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Reconciliation
User Topic: Do We BS Inflict More Pain On Ourselves?
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Here is one concept that I have noticed or been toying with lately is, How much of this pain is self inflicted for a BS. I am a BS so mentally I know what I am talking about because I live it. I feel it and I do it to myself. Here is what I am talking about:

I found myself for a week where I didn't give a shit about the A. I was having a great week on cloud 9. So what my wife Fucked someone else. So what.... She fucking lied to me for months. So what.... She lost herself... So what... I almost lost my marriage. So what... She left me. Oh Well... Because if none of this happened we would still be chugging along miserable with a mediocre marriage,little communication, never spending time together, never going on dates, going down the river of life on 2 seperate boats. Passing the kids off in between my day job and her night job. She wouldn't be in IC figuring out her FOO and we wouldn'e be trying to build a far better life than we had Pre A. After all this sick twisted shit we are still here side by side because for some crazy reason we want to still be with each other for the rest of our lives.... (That was mny good few days)

Then i realized what I was doing good. I felt at peace. For those few days Hey I am actually doing Ok. THEN my mind started slipping into "Hey you can't feel this way. YOU WERE BETRAYED. YOU WERE WRONGED. SHE DID THIS TO YOU. YOU CANT JUST LET THIS GO." I started thinking the pain was like a drug and a defense mechanism. Like when I felt "ok" I allowed myself to subconciously slip back into the pain. Just so I could feel it again. So I knew I was alive. So I didn't let my guard down. I couldn't just be excited for my new future. Appreciative that after all I put her through and the most extreme shit she did to me, we were still here together. Left here to attepmt to make a new piece of art out of all this shattered glass. NO!!! I have to obsess and fuck myself up in my head. What makes me do that to myself? How do I control that emotion? We all have the ability to control thoughts and emotions. Why do I choose to hit myself with that painful drug? Looking back at old emails and photos during the A time. Why do I do that? Do I want to feel this way??? HELL NO!!!! So why do I allow myself to? Its self-destructive. Its a wall that I am building. I am sitting here asking my WW to work on letting down all her walls from when she was a little girl until now but I have built a fortress around me. I guess there isn't an answer to this post I am just merely making a self observation. Sometimes I feel like I beat myself up about this and allow myself to feel the pain and when I am doing ok my mind won't allow me to stay there. To me I think my mind is my own worst enemy. I wonder if this is the time where I really need acceptance. To accept that this is my reality and there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it. Burn it, shred it & move the hell on!!! Yep My Wife Fucked Someone else, told him she loved him, walked away from me and my kids, told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, She was boarderline suicidal when everyone found out and her Affair now became her reality. YEP All that happened. Not a damn thing I could do about it. No amount of dwelling, obsessing, Raging, Yelling, Crying, Screaming, Divorcing... Nothing will ever change that. It happened.... But how I live my life from here is up to me. If the pain of infidelity is like a drug, I suppose its up to me to take the needle out of my arm, detox, heal and find myself again.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

OMG

(((IGaveItMyAll)))

Are you in the same torture chamber that I'm in?

I have those thoughts too.
I am feeling better for a few days & I say: so what. After I had his 4 kids & all the sacrificing I did, he had sex with some young pretty bimbo. So what. I had sex with someone else in my life ( I was married once before, he cheated on me too) but that was before I met WH#2.
The problem for me is the fact that WH's vows to me meant nothing to him.
Things are better now than they were 2 years ago when I found out, and I will give R my best effort, but I will never forget that when push came to shove, he chose his own selfish desires over me & the kids. That says it all. I know where I stand with him, & I need to somehow protect myself from him in case he does it again in the future. I am trying to think of a plan to prepare in case that happens.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:59 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
mj052
Member
Member # 38495
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I can only speak for myself but after a year since my d-day I can honestly say that in my quest for the truth- and my wayward husband's need to minimize- I found out so much more than anyone should really know!!

The bottom line is how we're feeling is a coping mechanism to help us survive the most awful- traumatizing unjustice that has been done to us- by the person who was supposed to love- protect us and no matter what- to always have our back!! What they've done cuts us to our very core! And it takes time to process the extreme hurt! A year later and I'm still so extremely hurt but stronger!

Hugs to you! You deserve so much better!!


Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!

Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Thanks that felt great to write!!!!


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I feel exactly the same way and I don't have an answer either.

I think the posts above about it being a safety/coping mechanism are correct. We're only human and there's only so much pain we can endure before we go crazy or become numb to it all.

I'm sorry for your pain.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

All, you're scared. That's all it is. It's only been 6 months since your Dday so your feelings seem pretty much *normal*. It takes a really long time to re-build trust and begin to feel safe again.

As your wife continues to *show* her commitment to your marriage, I'll bet that it will become easier for you and those *reminders* to yourself will lessen.

They don't call it a *roller-coaster* for nothin'.

The past cannot be changed. Look at who your wife is today and look at the steps that she is taking to overcome her inner demons. It takes a shit-ton of courage to face those demons and as you watch her face that crap head-on, you will gain enormous amounts of respect for her, which will (hopefully) work to soften the blow of the past.

Just keep chugging along, All. It's a marathon, not a sprint.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

So gonna, when will it stop? I just wrote out a huge long journal about how I can have a great day, but then that night, somewhere around 10 or 11 oclock, I start to doubt it all. I doubt that he's with me because he wants to be, I doubt that he's really done with her, I doubt that he's actually attracted to me - I doubt it all.

When does this go away??

[This message edited by Uneek at 2:21 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I totally relate to this post. This is MY journey too.

It is odd isnt it? Odd in that it changes so quickly and completely.......


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Good post. At almost 18 months out I still do the same. Its not as intense or last as long but it still happens.

I used to have a tagline that said "The feelings I want to let go of really need to let go of me"

I think the pain of this is kind of organic. It comes and goes and flows and changes on its own.

All if it is meant to be felt and processed. When it is done with me it let's me go until it has more to show me.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I kind of see it the opposite way. I believe that the bad days are the real ones - that is our reality, but it is too much to face 24/7, too painful to bear, so every now and then we take a "vacation" from it and go into la-la-land where we can say "so what? He fucked her, so what? Things are going to get better, everything will be great.... blah, blah, blah" Trouble is reality is just there, waiting around the corner and sooner or later we have to face it again.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 912 | Registered: Oct 2012
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I agree it's a defense mechanism. We have to remind ourselves what our partners are capable of ...the pain is still too fresh and it's a way to remind us to be on our guard.

It would be the same if we were robbed going to our car in the airport parking lot late at night alone. After it happened, every time we came home to pick up our car again, we'd be hypersensitive and then as time went on, we'd remember it but, if it didn't happen again, we wouldn't be as jumpy and eventually it would become a memory, not part of our daily concern.

I can remember a little over two years out from DDay realizing I had to go 'all in' ...be vulnerable again to H if I wanted to laugh from my gut again...if I wanted to feel joy. And I told myself.... so what if it happens again...I am seasoned and have already learned from the last experience that I am more than capable of not just surviving but thriving......

But to really feel the joy I feel now I had to let go of that pain....it's a memory, rarely rising to the front of my thoughts, but it is not a daily concern anymore. H's actions and my confidence have put those thoughts where they belong....... time along with a WS doing everything they can to repair the damage will make this better......for now you are just protecting yourself.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1641 | Registered: Mar 2010
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

So gonna, when will it stop? I just wrote out a huge long journal about how I can have a great day, but then that night, somewhere around 10 or 11 oclock, I start to doubt it all. I doubt that he's with me because he wants to be, I doubt that he's really done with her, I doubt that he's actually attracted to me - I doubt it all.

I don't know when it stops. But I do know that it gets less and less as time goes on. Yes there are some shitty days where I feel like I'm going back to square one. But really I am not. I am not shaking, I can eat, hypervigilence is gone, etc. It's part of the roller coaster. As we continue to process the pain does lessen. Whether reconciling or moving on alone.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Thanks for all the replies to this!!! I realize all these thoughts and feelings are normal. However, I question how much of this stuff are things that we hold on to because we are scared to be vulnerable, scared to let go, scared to let our spouse off the hook, scared it will happen again. Well there are no guarantees on anything in life. I compare these feelings to a drug because emotions are thoughts and I feel deep down we have the ability to control them. However, we still keep going back to them to get that jolt again. I am experimenting with myself on what I am able to control. My WW is really working on repairing the damage she caused (both with herself and me) So if my thought process is always on the negative and I keep bring myself back to that place aren't I robbing myself of the good parts in my life. I am not saying its not ok to have these emotions I am saying I feel its better to feel them, process them but don't get stuck there. I personally feel that I feed the pain with my thoughts. So if I control my thought process when I start going there just maybe I can help myself from hurting so much. Food for thoughts I suppose.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Thank you for posting this All, it made me cry because I feel like this sometimes. Yesterday I was fine, today, not so much; and then I beat myself up because sometimes I feel like I am making myself sad on purpose. I want so badly to just be alright, to be in the "so what" state of mind because it is much easier, but then I get scared.

I also worry that this is really the truth:

I kind of see it the opposite way. I believe that the bad days are the real ones - that is our reality, but it is too much to face 24/7, too painful to bear, so every now and then we take a "vacation" from it and go into la-la-land where we can say "so what? He fucked her, so what? Things are going to get better, everything will be great.... blah, blah, blah" Trouble is reality is just there, waiting around the corner and sooner or later we have to face it again.

And I am terrified that someday I will not get out of la-la land and that the life I am trying to rebuild will not be possible.

I hope everything works out for both of us, thank you for your post.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

And I am terrified that someday I will not get out of la-la land and that the life I am trying to rebuild will not be possible
Here is my thought on this. If we have a WS that "gets it" Is trying to change their lives to deal with their hangups and we are striving for a healthier life than PreA at some point we have to move to acceptance. Its a hard one but we have to accept our reality. Accept they did this to us and themselves. Truely accept it as there is nothing you can do to change the past. This is our reality. This is our life. This is our marital history. What can we do about it. Nothing. It exists. its hard. Its a hard concept to grasp and I struggle with it but I feel the more I accept it the less it has a hold on me. I need to shift my focus to bigger and better issues. Building a better marriage from all this pile of shit. That is being in touch with my needs in the marriage and finding my partners needs and meeting them. Acceptance is a bitch but I think its one of those things that is a key to a better life. If I can just accept it and stop fighting this battle in my mind I may just win.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

My take may be completely different on this as I am both a WS and a BS, so people can take it or leave it.

I found that after I found out what Hlessons had done and I was struggling with it, and I would have really bad days, those were the days that I was focusing on him, his program, what he might or might not do. Those days were all about him. On the days that I did better, those were the days that I focused on me, my program, what I needed to do for me to heal, get through this mess. Those days I could let go of it and move forward. Every day that I focused on me and my healing and let go of him and what he was doing, I feel lighter, and ok with things.

But then I would go back to looking at him and all the panic would come back, and the fear, and the anger, and often the triggers were more intensified. So I would have to remind myself again to get back on my own side of the fence and take care of me.

This was just my journey and how I did things for the past year. And I feel pretty good about where we are. I feel a sense of trust starting to come back and we are doing pretty good.

For me, healing myself and focusing on me, not the M, not him, was critical this past year. I had to recover in order to know if I could enter R with him.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4532 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

On the days that I did better, those were the days that I focused on me, my program, what I needed to do for me to heal, get through this mess. Those days I could let go of it and move forward. Every day that I focused on me and my healing and let go of him and what he was doing, I feel lighter, and ok with things.
I feel that same way. The days I was feeling great were days I was taking the entire essance of myself and doing things for ME. That is a huge part of it. I did that all day yesterday and it felt GREAT!!!


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Sure, sometimes maybe we are self-destructive in thinking about the pain our WS's have inflicted upon us.

But for me, I know that the more I think about it, the less the painful it becomes. It's taken a while, but I can now look at pictures of some of the OW without shaking, crying, or wanting to vomit. Sometimes I still feel rage, but more often it just makes me sad. Not crying and depressed, but just plain old sad. And I think that is a sign of healing.

I see it as throwing gasoline on the fire. At first it's a great big explosion of flames, but eventually it dies out and just becomes a little ember.

Just my two cents.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jul 2012
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Thank you All, your response is very helpful. I am trying to accept it as my reality and that it is part of my marriage now, it is scary because now I am sad a lot more than I was before. I realized the other day that no matter what I will never be able to change this aspect of my life, it seems like I should have known this before but when it actually hit me the other day I was very upset. I just hope that when I do fully and finally accept this as part of my marital history I will not discover that the affair is a deal-breaker, because I still can't imagine my life without my husband.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 19