SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: advice please
meplustwo
Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

So, I don't think we are ready for R yet, but I have some questions for y'all in case it moves that way. My WS and I have been separated since November. I have been living with my parents, but thats not sustainable so I got an apartment. WH knew I was looking and he was planning on moving out of our home too. Yesterday, I signed my lease and moved a bunch of stuff out of our home while he was at work.
Last night at 5, I got a call from him. He asked if I moved stuff to the apartment. I said yes. He started crying. He wants to work on the marriage. He is so sorry for his terrible decisions. He knows he loves me and can see how much I love him. He has ended the affair.
I am sure all cheaters say this when reality hits. I have instituted NC and 180, and moved.
How do you know he is serious about reconciling? How do I explain to my parents (who hate him right now) that we may give it another go? Van we reconcile by living separately and dating for a while?
Thanks for any advice you can give!


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Do YOU want to R? It has to be something you really want - not just because he has decided.

Attempting R is incredibly hard work from what I can see. To achieve a successful R in many ways seems to be a painful process.

Have you read these links?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/consequences.asp


If he wants to work at the marriage will he go to IC first to work out why he had his affair?

I cut and pasted some of the following for my WH to read -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250


As far your parents - you need to be clear to them that this is what you want and that you want them to support you. It may take them years to come around - maybe never or maybe they will be supportive right from the start.

In the book by Linda MacDonald called How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, it suggests that the WS apologise and seek forgiveness from the parents.

Have you read it? It is a short read - couple of hours. If your husband is serious about R - he should be keen to get hold of it and read it. It is a great little book and well worth both of you reading.

Good luck!

[This message edited by avicarswife at 3:48 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
lost100
New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I wish you & your children all the best. Parents will have a accept whatever decision you make. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions. I sense you want to give it another try.
Life is about taking chances not living with regrets.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
Itsgoingtobeok
Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I give you credit for making the decision to move out . That sends a clear message to your WS .IMHO is the best advise I've heard was this " you are giving your Husband the gift of R and he has to treat it as a gift " I'm really strugling with my R so good luck with yours .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

My opinion may not be the most popular, but it's based on my personal experience. Actions speak louder than words. You moved out. 6 months ago. That's half a year. My youngest child was still in the womb when you moved out, and now he says "mama" and eats food.

You often know what is best for you even though it wouldn't have been one of your top 50 choices.

I was divorced when I was 25. My husband and I had been together since we were 17. We had a huge fight one night and I left. I stayed with my parents for 2 weeks. I came back, went to marriage counseling, but it was over. And I later realized, that once someone has reached the point where they are really willing to walk out that door, it's over. You still might not WANT it to be over, but it is.

I'm not saying I got over it overnight. Actually, I instituted NC, and it still took 2 1/2 years. We're casual acquaintences now, but only in the last year or so. We didn't have kids together, but I was pregnant the night I walked out on him and later miscarried.

I know you probably want a two parent family for your kids, and you probably want the infidelity to never have happened. But that's not what R is. R isn't everyone pretending the infidelity never happened. It's in your face day after day for the rest of your stinking life. Some days I have no idea what the point is. Really.

I didn't leave my WH on Dday for a lot of reasons, but the big one is that I learned the first time around that once someone leaves, it's over. There are some people who will tell you "we got back together..." and they did, and there are happy people who've done that, but it's a minority.

Stay the course. After 6 months, you would know if R was an option, not wonder. one poster here was separated from her husband for 6 months ... he ended the A and went NC from day one, went to AA meetings once or twice a day the entire 6 months, went to IC, apologized to everyone they know...

Is that how your WS is acting?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

(((meplustwo)))

If he is JUST now telling you the A ended, then you have no idea how serious he is.

Someone who is serious about R, would have ended the A immediately on Dday, SHOWN you he ended it, gotten himself in counseling and would be working his tail off to woo you back and make up for the devastation he has caused in your and your children's lives.

He has been cake eating since the day you caught him. Nothing beyond tears and words in a phone call is what you have to go on.

Ignore the tears and words. What have his actions been? His actions are he has been sleeping with you and his AP.
That is not R.

He needs to start ACTING like he wants to R BEFORE you R.

180 him hard.



Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
meplustwo
Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have continued the NC and 180. I haven't said or done anything that would indicate to him that I would consider R. It was nice to see some affect about his poor choices though. Up until now, he was just rolling through life with zero emotion. Every day I go without getting sucked into his crazy world, the less panic and anguish I feel. Thanks again!


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
Painfool
Member
Member # 33227
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

One thing I would say is that if YOU want R, then by all means continue as you are, but you could also think about what your deal breakers/requirements for R would be, and let him know.

That way, if he is serious about it, that could jolt him into IC and sorting himself out properly, and proving to you how serious he is about R. Or maybe I'm being too soft, and he should go about taking action himself without any input from you? I don't know here. I'm wondering if he thinks that there's no chance whatsoever that he may become even more depressed, and continue along the same route of behaviour feeling that there is no hope.

To put this into perspective (or so you know where I'm coming from)...I didn't give fWH hope that we could reconcile as such as I left him too, but I did start to talk to him a few days after I left because we have a child together and I realised that he was at such a low he could have taken his own life and my son would end up with no daddy. It started as pity for fWH and concern for my son basically. It was him who then read hope into me talking to him, and went to IC off his own back etc.

Saying that, my situation is very different. It didn't take 6 months for reality to hit him and I wonder if perhaps he has got back in touch with you because OW actually ended it?

As for explaining things to your parents- I understand this as I felt similarly. I ended up writing them a long letter explaining that I loved them etc, but I was the one living my life, and I had to make my own decisions and make my own mistakes. I've grown and changed so much since then that I don't think I'd feel the need to explain myself to them in the same way. I'd speak to them face to face now, and just ask that they accept my decisions as we all love each other...


Married 9 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 6.
WS (31)
Me (30)

The bad news is there is no key to happiness. The good news is it isn't locked.


Posts: 1871 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom
Topic Posts: 8