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Just Found Out
User Topic: I'm so tired of all this
papoula
New Member
Member # 39079
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Today is day 12 since D day and I'm very discouraged.

My H hasn't come clean with the truth and I don't know if he ever will. I've been trying do to the 180 but I haven't had much success. I've decided to live on day at a time but it is hard not to worry about the future. I just had all my dreams crashed and I don't know how the future will be.

I'm also tired of thinking how many times he cheated before, or if he is cheating NOW. Every time I check his phone my heart races and I start shaking. I don't like doing those things. I never did before because I wanted a healthy relationship based on trust. 'm afraid of finding something else when checking his phone and I honestly believe this isn't a life worth living.

I also worry about an STD and I feel pathetic that the truth is that I feel better that he is still around and says he regrets and wants to try R. I feel so weak and trapped.

I don't know what to do and where to go from here. He is talking about MC and I decided to give it a try since I can't move out yet. I figured that even the MC doesn't help us to R it will help me to find closure.

I'm just very tired of all of this.


Me: 32
WH: 36
DD: 04/21/13
Married: 4 months - together 2 years
No children
Status: Trying to figure out what to do

Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Evil  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Papoula

This is still very very new for you. Day 12, although it feels like and eternity, it is not. Your mind is still processing 100 emotions at once ( completely normal ).

You are not pathetic. You are devastated. BIG difference.

First, as I am sure you have read here. This is NOT your fault. You cannot control the actions of your husband.

He made the conscience choice to cheat. He did this without your consistent.

You are in fear or flight mode. You need to know and yet you don't want to know ( again, normal )

I would recommend IC counseling on your own so you can get your bearings and understand what you want your reality to be going forward. IC will be about you finding your place, dealing with your thoughts/feelings.

Please convey he needs NC, to be honest, and getting tested.

IF he truly wants to R then he will do WHATEVER you need him to do.

MC will be about the relationship.

It is a long, tough road but you can make it to the other side one way or another.

Look on the library for the timeline for healing. Not to depress you but to help you understand healing is a process.

TIME is the only way.

Sending healthy healing hugs.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Dear Papoula,

So very sorry that you are here. It probably doesn't provide much comfort to you right now but there are many, many people on this site know & feel your unspeakable pain.

When I came to this site a couple of weeks ago I was stunned at the number of people in facing the sting of betrayal. More importantly I was touched at the outpouring of kind words & gentle advice to help me thru those awful days I was too paralyzed to get out of bed much less think. It's hard to separate yourself away from your WH but it really important to do & very necessary to begin to heal. The best advice I got here was to take care of myself. For me that meant putting it out there to my WH what I would & would not tolerate from this point on. Hard to do after having been married a lifetime. He TT'd me for 2 months (death by a thousand blows) until I finally decided that I simply could not begin to heal until I knew the truth. I started to see a real "pattern" after reading story after story here on SI. Seems most WH's (with the exception of a handful of real jerks) are sorry & all of a sudden they realize that they love you after all. Then, the way I see it, they get humble very quickly at the thought you mProblem is they somehow still think they can do it on their terms. I have come to believe that this is where the 180 came from. The betrayed seems to have the upper hand. I finally figured it out & last week played my hand by telling him the secrets he was keeping were very detrimental to any thought of R. I'm not an assertive kind of person. He is & has always been in charge since we've been married. I looked him straight in the eyes & told him I had real doubts about us being able to move forward until he came clean. I think it scared him to death because that very night he started giving it up little by little.

It took me 8 weeks to get to that point but it was a good move & I'm actually proud of myself! I would have never done it had I not gleaned the valuable information that is available here on SI. His actions were/are selfish & self serving. Time to put you first now. If he doesn't want to play by your rules then you have to evaluate if life will be healthier for you from now on with or without him.

Something my sweet minister told me in the initial days after my D-day was this- Remember there are people in your life who love you completely who have never done anything to hurt you & would be devastated if anything happened to you.

Take care of yourself honey & just remember you have all the time in the world to decide which direction your path should go.

We are all here for you! Blessings!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 747 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Dear Papoula,

So very sorry that you are here. It probably doesn't provide much comfort to you right now but there are many, many people on this site know & feel your unspeakable pain.

When I came to this site a couple of weeks ago I was stunned at the number of people in facing the sting of betrayal. More importantly I was touched at the outpouring of kind words & gentle advice to help me thru those awful days I was too paralyzed to get out of bed much less think. It's hard to separate yourself away from your WH but it really important to do & very necessary to begin to heal. The best advice I got here was to take care of myself. For me that meant putting it out there to my WH what I would & would not tolerate from this point on. Hard to do after having been married a lifetime. He TT'd me for 2 months (death by a thousand blows) until I finally decided that I simply could not begin to heal until I knew the truth. I started to see a real "pattern" after reading story after story here on SI. Seems most WH's (with the exception of a handful of real jerks) are sorry & all of a sudden they realize that they love you after all. Then, the way I see it, they get humble very quickly at the thought you might be able to move on without them. Problem is they somehow still think they can do it on their terms. I have come to believe that this is where the 180 concept came from. I finally figured it out & last week played my hand by telling him the secrets he was keeping were very detrimental to any thought of R. I'm not an assertive kind of person. He is & has always been in charge since we've been married. I looked him straight in the eyes & told him I had real doubts about us being able to move forward together until he came clean. I think it scared him to death because that very night he started giving it up little by little.

It took me 8 weeks to get to that point & we have along way to go to get to where the truth is but it was a good move & I'm actually proud of myself! I would have never done it had I not gleaned the valuable information that is available here on SI. His actions were/are selfish & self serving. Time to put you first now. If he doesn't want to play by your rules then you have to evaluate if life will be healthier for you from now on with or without him.

Something my sweet minister told me in the initial days after my D-day was this- Remember there are people in your life who love you completely who have never done anything to hurt you & would be devastated if anything happened to you. Happier days are ahead with or without him. Don't give him the ability to rob you of that as well.

Take care of yourself honey & just remember you have all the time in the world to decide which direction your path should go.

We are all here for you! Blessings!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 747 | Registered: Apr 2013
papoula
New Member
Member # 39079
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

1Faith I am hoping time will heal. I know I have to be patient. I want to try IC as well MC. Thanks for your support.

outtanowhere I definitely need to take better care of myself. By your story I see that I have to consistent and show him I won't give up or settle down for anything less than the truth. I am struggling with the 180 because NC with him hurts more. I seek for contact with him for comfort and I KNOW this is not good at all. I should be doing the opposite.


Me: 32
WH: 36
DD: 04/21/13
Married: 4 months - together 2 years
No children
Status: Trying to figure out what to do

Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2013
stilltrying2025
Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Papoula:

I do the same thing....starve for his attention, to be around him, cling to him, spend every waking minute with him. Just yesterday I finally, FINALLY, went to a girlfriend's house for a couple of hours. I haven't done that since D-Day. I'm making very small steps and I believe that's the way a person has to do it. You can't do it all at once or you become overwhelmed and then go back to the way you were. Baby steps is the answer. I'm no expert as I'm in a rough situation myself and can't seem to do what I need to do, but at least that for me was one step forward instead of 3 steps back. Hang in there.....HUGS!!!!!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Topic Posts: 6