SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: A refriend request from facebook
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

So on DDay, I had my husband delete any women that were friends with message that were flirty. IE twat ticklers messages, beautiful pics, an ex girlfriend and just overall flirty tones.

On May 1st, while checking his old email that was associated with his facebook account (sad I know, but I don't trust 100% yet) I found a friendship request from one of those women. And he accepted but hid it on his timeline.

Now the dilemma....Do I bring it up or continue to track to see what happens?

She was not the one he had an affair with, but the messages made me very uncomfortable. Both messaging with XOXO. Help me out please.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Wait to see what happens between them? I dunno, seems like you already know what has happened between you and him.

A boundary was broken.

Then covered up to conceal it.

What do you gain by waiting?


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

There is a part of me that wants to know if he would go there again. You know the full on affair. At this point he does not realize that I have seen the request. And I cannot remember if I told him exactly why I wanted her deleted. Since it was more focused on his MOW at the time.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

He hid something from you. Therefore, he is being secretive with regard to another woman, which is inappropriate and very disrespectful to you. There are no good intentions here, and I would confront as soon as possible.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jul 2011
whatjusthappened
Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Would you really want him to go all the way into a "full on affair" before you chose what to do? I don't mean that as a 2x4 at all - I just think it's letting your H slide down the slippery slope without doing anything to stop it.

I agree with JustWow - the boundary was broken, and it was hidden. Period. For me, that would be enough for me to begin the conversation. And in my mind, it shouldn't matter whether or not you told him "exactly" why you wanted her deleted. For a remorseful WH trying to R, "She makes me uncomfortable" should be "exact" enough.

(((lmg)))


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Were the xoxo messages recent, as in after she re friend request him?

Or did you ask him to delete her after you saw those messages?

Who is this girl to him? Highschool friend, old childhood friend, acquaintance etc...?

Either way the boundary was broken. Do you know if they have messaged each other since the refriending? I am not sure how you would find deleted messages.

Thinking out loud. I guess I would wait and see because saying something now doesn't really get you anything except for him to know that you know. Let us know what you decide.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 11:04 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2012
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

nuke strike.....


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Boundary was broken and he stepped onto the slippery slope. Whether he goes farther with it this time or not, he has shown he will take the first step. There will be another time if he is ok with it this time.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I agree with everyone else. Huge red flag that he hid it. By doing that he is showing that he is not really out of the fog and not really into reconcilliation. You probably need to go to 180 and make him think you are done. He is still risking his marriage and needs to know that. So sorry.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1177 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

A boundary was definitely broken. Is he in IC?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Were the xoxo messages recent, as in after she re friend request him?
Or did you ask him to delete her after you saw those messages?

They were prior to me asking him to delete her. No messages since the rerequest.

Who is this girl to him? Highschool friend, old childhood friend, acquaintance etc...?

From what I can gather a high school friend who dated one of his close friends. Also she knew his mom really well. Kinda of second mom for her.

Either way the boundary was broken. Do you know if they have messaged each other since the refriending?

Not that I have been able to find.

I am not sure how you would find deleted messages.

I have his email associated with facebook notifications locked down with a new password since I found the request. The only way around it is for him to change his settings which he knows will result in him packing a bag and heading to his sister's house.

Thinking out loud. I guess I would wait and see because saying something now doesn't really get you anything except for him to know that you know. Let us know what you decide.

I will....just looking for the majority of opinions here.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

1. You need to figure out what the consequences will be if you confront and he lies.

2. You need to come up with what you will do if you say something and he tells you the truth and allows you full access.

If you have access to his email, he knows you have access to it, and that you look at it from time to time. He's either 1. really stupid or 2. figures you will see it anyway so technically its not 'hiding' it from you.

Either way....it doesnt look like he will be upfront with you on the new friendship.

You need to confront him after doing the 2 things up top.

Get the ducks in a row and follow through with your choices of consequences so that he realizes you mean business


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1609 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 12