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User Topic: Oral vs genital
Afraid2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Sometimes I see posts that state she/he only performed oral sex on the AP. The premise is that oral is not as bad as sexual intercourse.

I just don't get it. I consider oral to be much more intimate. Looking at this hypothetically, I guess it could be possible, solely from the results of gravity, for a penis to accidentally enter a vagina. (Joke)

But how in the hell can slobbering someone else's private parts ever be an accident. And, eww, kissing your spouse after they've been down on some other person...


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 412 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I agree 1000% A2LA. If I ever find out that that had occurred with the the POS cumdumpster whore, I could not continue to R.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7035 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I feel like if there had been oral I would feel worse than I do now- I'm not 100% sure though I mean this time last year if you'd asked what I'd have done if I was cheated on and I would have said left her!!

I just think it's the Mother of my children's mouth- no fucking way if that touches any dick but mine I'd throw up. I feel like I couldn't kiss her again and I'd be a total arsehole regarding the kids- I know I would (probably wrongly).

TMI but sometimes if I get bad mind movies it's the only way I can finish- knowing nothing's been there- it's really weird I know!!

This is from the mind of a 28 year old idiot- and it shows!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I don't think I could ever kiss him again if I knew there was oral. Strange enough, that's an absolute dealbreaker for me. It's way too intimate for me to get past.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jul 2012
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

absolute dealbreaker for me

Word.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Strange enough, that's an absolute dealbreaker for me.

Meh. The funny thing about dealbreakers, is that about 1 year and half ago, an affair would have been a dealbreaker for me.

Then I swore if NC was broken that would be a dealbreaker.

Hmmmmm.

But I do agree, the oral aspect was troubling to get over. I got the extreme joy of reading about all their sex acts! Yeah for me! They all disgust me, but I guess they weren't actually dealbreakers.

And no I do not think that oral is somehow less "affairy" than intercourse.

Tomato, tomato. (hmmm, that expression doesn't translate as well in text)


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

It seems to me that people in pain like to try to minimize the pain inducing action in order to reduce the pain sometimes. It also seems to me that when speaking of horrible things that have happened in their life to other people, it somehow seems to validate the person in pain to make their pain sound greater, such as "at least it was only oral sex, my WS had full on sex with their AP".

We all do things to make ourselves feel better, or feel worse depending on what kind of mood we are in. Some people think this sex act is more intimate than that one, others think it's totally fine to do that same sex act with anyone who walks through the door because it's not intimate at all.

As a woman who's H betrayed her by both oral sex AND vaginal sex, they both suck big rocks and they are both deeply intimate to me because it's sex. Period.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
broken81
Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

OW gave WH a blow job but WH never gave her oral.
Im not happy about the BJ but we are still together.
If he had gone down on that tramp there would be no way he would ever be touching my mouth again.


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I think its just trickle truth, plain and simple.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I totally agree. I mean anything sexual is personal and intimate, but for me, it doesn't get much more personal that giving someone a BJ. Unfortunately my WS got BJ's and of course sex with his whores...

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 11:40 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Strongmama
Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I still get queasy when I think of all the times I kissed now ex after his A trips. I now know they also did oral, and anal!
Makes me want to freaking puke that that went on a year plus and all he was exposing me to. Sick sick sick!
It's all bad, but the oral and other are pure disgusting to do then come home and have sex with me! Barf!!
There's a special place in hell waiting for him!

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
mysticmoons
New Member
Member # 38861
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

My WBF first tried to confess that the bar slut only gave him a BJ but the next day I started questioning that story. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that if I was interested in some guy that I found attractive that I was goig to want to do more than give him a BJ...I mean what would I get out of that, so I confronted him the next night with my way of thinking and then he confessed to having sex 2x with the whore! So, now I know he had sex with her and I am sure that during the act there was oral going on because I know he likes to give and to receive. I have not asked if he did perform oral on he or if she did to him, but I really dont have to ask. I feel that if your partner likes to give and receive oral then more than likely it was done. I think I would have rather it just been a BJ, I could have handled that far better than knowing he put his dick in her!


Me: 39 BGF
Him: 45 WBF
DD#1 02/06/13 Found 6 months of texts between him and my friend
DD#2 03/14/13 Found texting between him and a 24 year old he met at his gig
DD#3 03/17/13 confessed to BJ from bar SLUT
DD#4 03/18/13 Had sex 2X with bar SLUT

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: mysticmoons
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

You know, I was pretty calm as I got the details about my fWH's LTA. Until several weeks in when I thought to ask about oral. Apparently in almost four years there were two BJs and two brief the other way.

This had me lying on the floor in my closet in the fetal position screaming. (really freaked out my H!)

It took me some time to come around and lots of talk from my H. Not so much the BJs, but the other. That seems so intimate, and frankly, caring, in what he describes as a selfish sexual release. And it is something that we share that took some real deep intimacy on my part, but which I now love.

But, actually, twice (less than a minute) in almost 4 years (and he was probably just showing off frankly), I finally got past it.

Isn't it weird what causes us to go off the deep end?



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Changed72
Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I think about all of it and it makes me sick.
But yes, oral either way to me seems more intimate, always has.
And of course that was just one of the thousands questions from me to her.
Did you give him a bj?
Answer yes.
Next question.
Did you swallow?
No. I just spit it into a water bottle that was next to me.
Whatever???
I'll never get the whole truth about everything, even if it is the whole truth.


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
cletuswv
Member
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Where is Bill Clinton when you need him?


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

My fWW did both to the OM.
But she had refused oral to me because it was "disgusting".


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 454 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Sex is so personal, so it would make sense to get lots of different answers to what's the most intimate for people.

For me, it's oral sex on the woman. When I found out that WH didn't do that for OW in any of their 30 or so sexual encounters, I was relieved. It confirmed for me his story of interactions that were not sensual or loving. He didn't care whether she orgasmed or not. Knowing WH, that means he didn't love or respect her, and he didn't love or respect her body.

As far as deal breakers, I've thrown out the concept for me. I have to experience these things and live with them awhile in order to slowly learn what I can deal with. So far, with a completely remorseful WH, it turns out that I can handle way more than I ever would have imagined.

No oral makes R one step easier for me (because it jibes with WH's story) but it's a long journey with a lot of steps.

[Edited because I felt like my post was unnecessarily triggery and "holy than thou" about A's without oral.]

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:38 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
WastedEffort
New Member
Member # 39125
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Oral sucks (literally)

I found out that she often gave BJ's and swallowed (she always has) but he was never willing to give her that. It was a small comfort to realize that he didn't respect her enough to even try to give her pleasure. The OM was very selfish. And yet she didn't have the self respect to see that and stand up for her needs....and some point I'm hoping that realization hits her and bears fruit in our R. Incidentally, she'll never be able to say she doesn't like giving BJ's again! (Though I also found out that the reason she was so willing was because they didn't take much work....OM had some serious premature ejaculation issues!(consolation prize?)

[This message edited by WastedEffort at 12:36 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Sometimes I think the oral sex hurts more and sometimes I think the vaginal sex hurts more. Oral sex is tough because when he went down on her it was purely to make her feel good, he doesn't really get anything from it. Where if it had been just him F-ing her I could pretend he just wanted to get off. Oral is kind of his specialty too, he is really really good at it. He said she didn't seem to like it much. I've always wondered if he did it long enough to get her to orgasm or not but I can't bring myself to ask. The fact that she gave him oral doesn't bother me as much as him doing it to her for some reason.

When he first told me he had sex with her in my naive little mind I thought well surely they only did it once and then realized it had been a horrible horrible mistake and surely there was no oral or I love you's or anything.....then slowly the depth of it became clearer and clearer.

I agree we all try to look at well it could have been worse and if it had been worse we would leave but I agree that you don't know until the situation slaps you in the face. I always thought cheating was a deal breaker until it wasn't. I often think a LTA or OC would be a deal breaker but at this point who knows? Apparently I'm willing to tolerate more then I ever imagined. Sigh.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 231 | Registered: Oct 2012
bluewater
Member
Member # 9297
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

My fWW did both to the OM.
But she had refused oral to me because it was "disgusting".

Willing to do it for him but not for me? That would have been a deal breaker for me.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2006
NotDefeatedYet
Member
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

No oral makes R one step easier for us, but it's a long journey with a lot of steps.

I laughed at this. For a brief moment I thought, maybe things would have been easier if my wife hadn't given out a BJ.

It doesn't matter. If you get stabbed in the back, it doesn't matter if it goes in at an angle, sideways, or it gets twisted, it's still pain from a knife in the back.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Seems to me there's a bigger chance at an STD with oral since everyone seems to think condoms are only for birth control.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

cletuswv -

NO POLITICS: We have zero tolerance of discussing politics here. No names, jokes, polls or debates are allowed. Violation of this guideline results in losing your profile.


Posts: 34491 | Registered: Mar 2011
BW2639
Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

My "deal breaker " , or line-in-the-sand, if you will, gradually moved as I asked questions. Bottom line is my fWW had a PA. She has answered all of my questions and I now know what they did and where they did it, but I remember her response when I first asked her "what they did". She took a big breath and was in tears and said we "did everything that people having affairs do". Naturally she hates everything about it now but that's what the "fog" does to a person.

[This message edited by BW2639 at 3:09 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2012
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

It doesn't matter. If you get stabbed in the back, it doesn't matter if it goes in at an angle, sideways, or it gets twisted, it's still pain from a knife in the back.

Amen to that NotDefeatedYet. That's the real issue, if we're being honest with ourselves. Someone we loved and trusted betrayed us. My wife denies giving oral but admitted that pretty much everything else happened. She could be telling the truth, or trying to make me believe that she withheld that one thing for me. Whatever. Her betrayal of our marriage over a 10-11 month time period, and our ability to get over that and R, are the real issues.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1351 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

one problem here is too many people here are saying what would be a deal breaker for them.....cause you didnt have to deal with it.

Pre-A 99% of you wouls have said an affair would be a dealbreaker...now its blowjobs and going down are a deal breaker...

sorry...just a frustrating thing I get here as of late...

truth is...no one know what they would do unless they are faced with it...its just a "guess"


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 766 | Registered: Jun 2011
NotDefeatedYet
Member
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I lived with a girlfriend before my wife, and I thought she was cheating on me. I kicked her out immediately. Put more than a decade and three kids into it and, what I wouldn't have hesitated to do before, now causes me to pause and consider the whole of the situation.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

[Quote]one problem here is too many people here are saying what would be a deal breaker for them.....cause you didnt have to deal with it.
Pre-A 99% of you wouls have said an affair would be a dealbreaker...now its blowjobs and going down are a deal breaker...

sorry...just a frustrating thing I get here as of late...

truth is...no one know what they would do unless they are faced with it...its just a "guess"

I agree with Long Gone here. I know how I was before I felt the burn and pain of infidelity. I know that WGF gave oral. Her statement, she "started with just giving blowjobs because . . . " she didn't want to have sex. I recall a thread which discussed how many women view giving oral as the lesser sexual act. I obviously felt differently but again, what you thought you couldn't deal with before ever experiencing it is pretty much your mind defending yourself from an outlandishly big unknown.
Fact for most is, our SOs have had relationships before ours. They've done extremely intimate and sexual things with other people that they thought fondly of in some way. It just so happens that they may have done some of those similar things again but while in a committed relationship with us. The WSs broken mentality and selfishness is what matters. If you want to put limits on what is too much, that's fine, your heart will tell you if that's true or not, not your words.

[This message edited by Brokenheart777 at 5:32 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

***IMO*** I wouldn't believe that a physical affair took place without oral sex.

I guess it could happen but doubtful in my book.

I never asked for such details because ***IMO*** an affair is an affair.

For those of you who feel that would be a deal breaker for you your spouse might know about you and decide to keep that detail to themselves.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
anemie
Member
Member # 37543
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

The whole thought process a WS has regarding oral not being as bad as intercourse is probably a very childish reasoning. Think back to high school. Oral sex was never considered "going all the way". So perhaps they have maintained the same high school mentality that without penetration they didn't "go all the way" therefore it was not as damaging. To me, you kiss, touch or you perform or receive oral sex you have now committed a sexual act even if it does not end with penetration and that is still cheating.


D-Day October 18th, 2012 D-Day2 October 5th 2013
4 kids 12,11,7, 1 and one sweet little newborn

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: MA
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

X did both. Strangely, neither one seems "worse" to me. They were both incredible breaches of trust. One thing that does bother me though, is how proud of himself he seemed that they used protection when they had sex (gives lie to that whole "unplanned" thing, huh??), but not when they had oral sex. Despite the months of hysterical bonding after day, there was never anymore oral sex between him and I. I just couldn't....


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

"No oral makes R one step easier for us, but it's a long journey with a lot of steps."

I laughed at this. For a brief moment I thought, maybe things would have been easier if my wife hadn't given out a BJ.

NotDefeatedYet, I hope what I said didn't sound offensive. I meant that for me personally, it would be one more obstacle (out of 100's) to get over if my WH had given OW oral. It would be a particularly tough one for me because of my personal feelings re oral on women. My post also says that I've thrown out the whole concept of deal breakers.

I agree that betrayal is betrayal and it's hell.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
tryingmybest2011
Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I agree with the original poster that oral sex is much more intimate. My WH did that will all of his affair partners.

I am so grossed out.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone by saying oral would be a deal breaker for me. You're right, since it's something I don't have to deal with I can't say for sure.

What I can say for sure is that, to me, a man giving oral sex to a woman is much, much more intimate than sex. I honestly don't believe that is something I could live with, my WH performing that particular act on someone else.

I actually believe my WH when he says it didn't happen. When I asked him about he he was surprised, even shocked, at the idea. Then again almost all of his A's were with whores, so it wasn't like he was worried about her enjoyment. It was simply a transaction.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jul 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

This is such a big issue for me that I could barely click on the link to this thread. I am halfway to a panic attack as I write. Because of this:

***IMO*** I wouldn't believe that a physical affair took place without oral sex.

I believe this as well. I know what my husband does in bed. I know that he did this. It is infinitely worse than the intercourse to me bc that is mutual. This is giving. It was for her, not him. Which means....well I can't really make myself type it, but you can see the obvious conclusion to draw.

The thought of it makes it hard to breathe.

I try to dump all the sordid details about the A into one big "crazy basket", but this one is hard. I haven't asked bc I know what the answer will be. Which is kind of crazy in and of itself actually.

I think this is one of the things that will take the longest to fade. If it ever does.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

The A as a whole is a dealbreaker for me. WH claims there was no oral either way. They only had sex once and it was a humiliating experience that ended the A. I am, however, fighting against my natural inclination to D by giving WH a chance to change and become the man and father he is capable of being. I am giving my children the chance to grow up in a healed and healthy family. As a Christian I don't believe anyone is beyond redemption so I am practising that belief...but if I cannot grow to love WH again then we will D. I will not martyr myself...WH has taken more from me than he has ever deserved and I have given him more than I ever should have and in the process completely lost myself. Through therapy I am reaching a balance in that and so is WH but there are no guarantees this M will survive his A.


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I know ws did oral on ow, that's his thang Kwim? I know she reciprocated. For some reason I do feel bj is less intimate than him doing it on her. Then again if I was a man and my wife did it, I would prob feel like that was intimate idk, it all is betrayal and there have been lines crossed DLL over the fn place..geez the fact that my ws texted ow a catrillion times was a.line crosser.
Had my ws just received a bj or had he just had intercourse, it would still be horrible but him going down on her..I agree with a previous poster, that was for HER and that PISSES ME OFF!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4881 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
whensenough
Member
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I feel like this thread has become sort of like an inverted stab at others who experienced a situation differently...

we must be careful not to label and judge others situations because we may be kicking others who are already down by rubbing it in there face why if "we were in there shoes, how much more horrible it would be..."

one problem here is too many people here are saying what would be a deal breaker for them.....cause you didnt have to deal with it.
Pre-A 99% of you wouls have said an affair would be a dealbreaker...now its blowjobs and going down are a deal breaker...

sorry...just a frustrating thing I get here as of late...

truth is...no one know what they would do unless they are faced with it...its just a "guess"

everyone here is not in good place and for the most part i think we are all dealing with or have dealt with our signifigant other doing things that we thought were once upon a time so intimate that they would be a deal breaker.

short term or long term
emotional or physical
oral or genital

who cares...comparing our situation with others is not a healthy way to deal with our problems or support the situations of others here. Most people here need comfort not judgement.

personally for me sex is sex oral or genital...its the EA thats gets me...but i cant say that someone else situation is my deal breaker cause you really dont know til your in there shoes...

why would kissing a person who gave oral be any different than letting them be sexual with you in other ways when there penises and vaginas were all intertwined with anothers..just as gross...or if you have ever gave them oral after the affair or during just as gross...

also in this world of deception unless youve had a poly done you may be saying something is a deal breaker that happened an you just dont know it...be careful what you say...


WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow
OVER IT ALL!! DONE!!

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

agree with WE.
A little surprised to read certain responses.
I have no idea how someone could take the word of their WS about what activities they engaged in.
Sex is sex. Betrayal is betrayal.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I have no idea how someone could take the word of their WS about what activities they engaged in.

Quite frankly since this thread started, I've been wondering how many people here really truly believe that their WS didn't have oral with their AP.

If they had the opportunity, and it's a sexual activity that they generally enjoy, why wouldn't they do it with the AP? Or even if they aren't really into it, maybe the AP is and the WS wants to "impress" them.

The only way I could imagine believing that they didn't, is if they really truly hated and objected to the act. And even then I'd have doubts. Or if they were Pinocchio, and I could physically tell every time they were lying or not.

As for my personal situation, my WH had 3.5 months with his APs alone in a hotel on a different continent, and quite frankly there is not a single sex act that I would doubt happened. He loves to go "down there", and therefore there is no way in hell I would ever believe him if he said he hadn't. I haven't even asked, I'm that sure about it, and I don't need to hear the words.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Had my ws just received a bj or had he just had intercourse, it would still be horrible but him going down on her..I agree with a previous poster, that was for HER and that PISSES ME OFF!!

Just a different take on this....sometimes the "motive" may not be selflessly giving pleasure to the OW....it may be more that they wanted to be SEEN by the OW as selfless, or skilled in bed, etc.

That's how I think about the fact that my H did it with his APs. His A's and everything he did in them - the money, the sex, the time spent - were all about making HIMSELF feel good, ultimately. Not about "giving" to her.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I have no idea how someone could take the word of their WS about what activities they engaged in.

This whole thing is horrific to me.
My WH told me conflicting versions of what he did & didn't do in bed with OW. I think he was so flattered that a woman so much younger was pursuing him ( when all of the men at work were drooling after her, so he says), that I think he was trying to impress her.
So I am just going to assume that they did every physical thing possible.
And it is all so intimate.

And do I want to continue on with someone who was that intimate with another woman while he was married to me, & obviously he couldn't have cared less what it would do to me to know about it.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

These days I very rarely believe it when people say "XYZ would be a deal breaker".... fact is, it is very rare to see that happen. I think almost all of us could have said at one point that the affair itself would have been a dealbreaker. I am also skeptical of any WS who says they did not engage in oral sex, unless it was something like a one night stand, and even then I would still take it with a grain of salt. Giving and receiving oral is too common, and is one of the build ups to the actual sex.

I have no idea how someone could take the word of their WS about what activities they engaged in.

QFT.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:51 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Dealbreakers don't really exist until it happens. Then you know whether it is the step too far for you. Until it happens you just don't know.

I think betrayeds like to believe there is a line their wayward wouldn't cross. Something that is just for them or that their spouse just wouldn't do. I think it's somehow comforting. I also think it's our little delusion. There isn't really much a wayward won't do when they are in the fog and fantasy.

Like others here I feel that oral is a much more personal thing. My WH apparently thought it was not as personal as he claimed that it was "only" a BJ. But cheating is cheating. I was just as crushed when I found out he had flirted all night with a stranger at a work function at a bar, then kissed her at the end, years before he ever had sex outside marriage. To me that was cheating. It didn't have to be sex. It was doing something that was supposed to be just us with someone else.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Hi all

I generally don't respond to posts about this as I rarely think it is relevant. Sexual intimacy is what it is - any kind. However I thought you might enjoy a smile at the OW's expense.

It is important to note that I was about 6 months out from dday at this time so perhaps my response would have been different if I had JFO.

Story 1

I asked FWH if his OWs had ever done oral on him.

Him: Yes, OW3 did it most of the time

Me: What do you mean?

Him: When I went to visit we would lie in bed talking for a while. After a time she would say "Well there are better things I could be doing with my mouth" and get to work.

Me: How often did she say this?

Him: Every time.

Me: EVERY time??????

Him: Yes

Me: Hysterical laughing. I couldn't stop. I just kept laughing. (I found it SO corny. Not just that she said it but that she said the same thing each time).

Him: Looking both puzzled and a little offended. What's so funny?

Me: I'm sorry. I just assumed she would have had a more extensive repertoire. More hysterical laughing.

Story 2

I then asked him if he did it often with her.

Him: No, only a couple of times.

Me: Why only a couple of times?

Him: Because I didn't like the taste of her.

Me: Looking away to have a private smile. Oh I see. (Thinking: Yes. Sadly you didn't know she was screwing another AP at the time. Perhaps he had been to visit shortly before you visited her those times)


Story 3

After dday I noticed FWH referring often to the fact that his member was a little on the small side and had a bend in it. I could never remember him saying anything about this in all the 28 years we had been married. Me, I had never noticed, cared or commented on either. (Well we all know I am challenged in the observation department otherwise I would have picked up on his A activities earlier).

I was tempted to say Well I guess OW3 had lots of opportunities to do a detailed inspection..

I bit my tongue in the interests of R but have a little smile to myself each time he says it.

Be kind to yourselves people.

Be gentle with yourselves.

This shit can really screw with your head. (Oops - double entendre perhaps! )

What the deviants got up to together hurts. I know it does. But the focus should be on the deceit and the betrayal. Like many of you, in the early days I desperately wanted the details. But I think most on SI would agree that whether she liked to stand on her head when he did her, hang from the rafters, or do it to him with or without her false teeth in.....who cares?????!!!

To me it is a bit like asking "Which is worse - a PA, EA, LTA, OC, Muliple As, Muliple LTAs, Same sex partner(s), double betrayal etc?"


They all suck!!!!

Dumbfuckery is dumbfuckery

BIG HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 10:27 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Devastated777
New Member
Member # 32905
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

My FWH said she just jerked him off for 4+ years and the omly tim he had vaginal intercourse was theday I caught him Iin bed with her. D- day. WTF he expects me to believe this? He said he was drunk and didn't come. Her boyfriend arrived to srprise her on St Pats day. What a surprise! The slut told my husband nit to worry BF wouldn't show up. He says no oral either way. I dont believe him. Think she gave him numerous BJs . He dtill wont admit vsg sex except once. So it must have beenmorr. Hes a lier and still wont trll tgevtruth 2 years later. I need to hear it all, gross as the pig ( both her and him). Shes uglier than a cesspool pig, and he liked that??? Go figure. Syill in msjor pain


Still Devastated

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Devastated777
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

Feeling rather concise today, being cheated on/ betrayed hurts like a son of a bitch no matter what form it takes! Hugs to all who are hurting:) Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

How odd... I'm years divorced and I never once thought about oral between ex-asshat and the OW. How is that even possible?

I wasn't one who demanded details, though... but yeah, in the whole scope of sex, the three things that seem most intimate to me are kissing, oral and just the emotional part of the A. I found the EAs a lot harder to bounce back from than the PA(s?). If I'd had confirmation of oral, I probably would have walked sooner than I did (which was years, anyway ).


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15382 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

I knew the answer to this question before I even asked (although I did ask and get confirmation). I knew OW gave FWH oral, because that was the way she enticed him. I knew FWH gave OW oral because to my FWH it is an ego thing. The fact that he can get a woman to O is a lot about him and how great he is, how proficient, how giving--whatever. It is part of his "I am such a great guy" image. It is validating for him to be able to do that, have that power over a woman. It is an indication to himself of how hot and desirable he is. So of course he did it to her--but it was really all about him.

Unfortunately for him, as much as he loves oral, he may never get it from me again. I have tried, but it is tremendously trigger. Maybe with time it will get better, but for now he is going to have to do without. Consequences.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1285 | Registered: Aug 2010
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

***IMO*** I wouldn't believe that a physical affair took place without oral sex.
I guess it could happen but doubtful in my book.

***IMO*** I agree. In my personal experiences, this is almost always part of the foreplay.. But any time people are intimate, plenty of body parts touch other body parts, pick your poison..

Ditto on the condom thing too as I think the percentage of people who use them for oral is very slim And as a women, am I really gonna get out some saran wrap to protect myself?

But my biggest opinion on this whole discussion really is that it's usually not the sex that's the dealbreaker, it's the lies, lies and more lies. Sometimes I think I could have gotten over the sex, whatever sex, but the lies, deceit and betrayal and how I was treated after I found out was what broke the marriage for good..

Lots of hugs and support to all the betrayed people on this site. No matter what form of infidelity it was, it all sucks BIG TIME, and my heart goes out to everyone dealing with this life-changing bullshit.

(((((((((Everyone))))))))


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

Sometimes I see posts that state she/he only performed oral sex on the AP. The premise is that oral is not as bad as sexual intercourse.

Flashback to 1969....a naive 18 year old girl seduced by her boyfriend's bf....to experiment, to get some experience....
So he convinced me to give him bj's....and only bj's...never intercourse because that was sex!
...and this continued for a long, long time....I have racked my brain for the reasons why this horrific betrayal continued, one being that I was punishing my H for not marrying me at age 17 (he supported my parents' insistence on abortion). During this 18 years, I believed that I held the power, the control, the dominance not only during the act, but the "dance" leading up to it...the satisfaction of my superiority over OM. What a fool I was!
And the person I loved was the person I destroyed by my selfish choice.

And what has my deceitful, horrible betrayal done to my H? If you read his posts, you know that I have totally destroyed him, that he is struggling to make sense (???) of 40 years total of lies.
We have been trying desperately to wade through this muck.....seems we're sinking more frequently lately. This morning he told me he was dying inside. But we keep holding on tighter.
I wasn't the woman he thought he had fallen in love with 45 years ago.
And his bf was never his friend at all.
This was a huge double betrayal.
OM is dead (brain tumour @ age 57), so no closure there for my H.
I'm living my karma.

Oral vs genital?
It's infidelity, regardless.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

The image in my head (although not relevant in my case) is my WSO going towards another woman and taking her in his arms. That would hurt so much.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
luvedmypbear
Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 6th (Monday)

To answer the OP, it's never an accident, but none of it is.

When I first experienced DDay and it began washing over me I began reading. Reading here even before I became a member and reading every book in the library and book stores I could get my hands on.
What stuck with me initially besides the fact that it wasn't my fault was that there would always be people who had worse things happen and not such bad things happen but your experience is yours and that is really the only one that you can speak to when it comes to resolutes like deal breakers.

Any sort of cheating was a dealbreaker for me and he knew that.

He wasn't thinking about that when she kissed him. Or when he took her to the garage and went down on her (to convince her to do more because she was hesitant and married and knew me)
It doesn't matter that he didn't start it
It matters that he didn't stop it
The words they wrote later and his admission to me that the PA made him feel alive at a time in his life when he was suicidal.

I didn't make him feel alive.

Oral hurts, kissing hurts, kind words exchanged hurts, genital hurts, the STD he passed to me while I was pregnant and nursing hurts, my daughter almost dying because of his choice to cheat hurts, the fact that he stopped performing oral on me after his PA with her (I guess hers was made of gold?) hurts

Is mine the worst kind of hurt? no
Is it the best?
No

Wish he had just divorced me first and then done everything else....and that he had chosen a partner who wasn't married and whose husband wasn't serving bravely overseas at the time (and my exfwh was a veteran himself and he knew better)

I guess at the end of the day
Yes, Oral is more intimate in my opinion but to my exfwh it was just a commodity, something he was good at that he could trade for what he really wanted....

The only shining light for me is that I am not him. I am greatful for that. At least I do not destroy lives just to have an orgasm.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

My fWH said he received a BJ once but never went down on any of his OW.

To this day I don't believe him, and probably never will.

But some things I feel I am better off not knowing!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I think although they're all kinds of horrendous betrayal for some reason I do feel like oral is worse then sex then kissing BUT it feels a little like a conversation I had with my mate where he was trying to comfort me:

Mate: "It could've been worse- she just had quick fucks- no loving or lying down"
Me: "I'm not sure the thought of my wife being nailed against a wall helps"
Mate: "I'd rather that than lying down and cuddling- all 3 times were against a wall- no love there"
Me: "the thought of my wife being nailed against a wall isn't helping"
Mate: "But the alternative is sexy love making- she just got rammed drunk"
Me: "Again, the thought of my wife being nailed against a wall is DEFINITELY NOT HELPING!!"

That conversation had me almost in tears!! The point is- I'm acutely aware that I could feel differently if it actually happened.

It's like I said- this time last year I'd have told you I'd have left her if she cheated on me but here I am- staying put.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

My fWW hated oral. At least when I wanted it.
"It's disgusting and dirty!"

Of course it wasn't when the OM wanted it.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 454 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I know they had sex a variety of ways and that was one such way. I remember screaming at him about that. He just stared at me like he didn't know what hit him.

I have been able to perform on him - bc its a position of control. But have not let him near me. It seems crazy since we have kissed....what am I supposed to do? Not kiss him again?

Anyway. I don't think I am in any position (no pun intended) to receive - still too vulnerable.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I don't think one is worse than other. The fact he betrayed me in any way is gut wrenching.

My WH still maintains that for 2.5 years mOW#1 provided him with oral sex and not vaginal sex.

With mOW#2 he says they rolled round the office floor with most of their clothes off - no vaginal sex took place in their 4 month PA it was BJs and petting - and somehow that makes it not so bad??? I don't think so!

He has lied so much I don't know what to believe. All I know is that infidelity of any kind hurts like hell.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 12:34 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

It doesn't matter. If you get stabbed in the back, it doesn't matter if it goes in at an angle, sideways, or it gets twisted, it's still pain from a knife in the back.

^^^That's right.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
twodoves
Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Both are awful in cheating.

Oral is very personal.

WH did it all with the OW, it's hard to know that there's nothing that was 'just us.'


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

IMHO I don't really think one is worse/better than the other, and quite frankly feel that if it was more than just a one time deal most likely both occured.

As far as healing and being able to again, well I had horrible mind movies any time we did it with me facing away from him, I started to trigger even if it were face to face. Someone here reccommended I suggest some time where it was all about me....

Wow what a result. I told him, I needed him to focus on me, and not his needs, and I needed to focus solely on the physcial aspect of it. He went along with it. End Mind movies. For a good long while I had to recieve before being able to go all the way with him. So I guess I won on that front.

As you go through R, and see your spouse returning to the person they were, and loosing the fog it becomes much easier to enjoy it again. Or it was for me.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Early on, I realized a romantic kiss with someone else would have hurt pretty much the same as what they actually did. (My W never treated sex lightly.)

Long after I had this realization, my W said that the first few touches were amazing, but after that she wished the sex with ow was as good as it was with me.

Except for the kisses. The kisses were always special.

Personally I'm with Wonderboy on deal breakers - you never really know what you'll do until you face one.

At the same time, I have absolutely no quarrel with any BS who is grateful something didn't happen. No matter what, the stuff that did happen is devastating enough.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:14 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9947 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

My WH doesn't really consider oral as actual "sex." So it doesn't really count as cheating.

He was "going down" on MOW1 morning, noon and night. I know because I got to read blow by blow details!

Joy joy!

I haven't forgotten that oral doesn't count as cheating by the way...


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
Memphis
New Member
Member # 39303
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

What constitutes an affair or cheating? For some, it may be as simple as a kiss. My H and the OW danced, talked, and had good conversation. I was told by the OW that the entire night was very intimate. However, I was informed by the OW that there was no vaginal penetration, BUT his DNA was all over the place. She told me that he badly wanted vaginal penetration, but she wouldn't let him. I guess that was ok. Let's all pat her on the back!! My H doesn't believe that he cheated. I know that he slept in her bed that night while he wasn't in mine. He wrote her a letter saying that he would be back again, (He's never written me anything.) AND he gave her a kiss that morning before going to work. Intimacy between a H and W, even a kiss, stays there and nowhere else. I know I made a promise.

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

But what about if WW allowed and asked to be fingered and did? No oral or sex, just making out and fingering.

I can't kiss her now at all. And every time we have sex I think about this. I can't stand it.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I can't kiss her now at all. And every time we have sex I think about this.

you are not alone, 2m2q.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5391 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

H admitted he did oral for OW. He even said that she said he was "persistent"

The only funny thing is that he said she tried and he had teeth scrape marks Guess she wasn't that good at it.

Either way it makes me sick to think he went down on her and then might have came home and kissed me


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 659 | Registered: Jun 2012
OnMyFeet
Member
Member # 21650
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I've often wondered about the oral thing with my fWH and OP. He just told me that he did stuff he wasn't supposed to, so I've accepted the worst but I agree with a previous post that sex - no matter what kind - to me is personal.
What bothered me most of all was that he sent her texts that, in her words, made her blush. Super flirty, maybe sexting. All I know is I had tried for so long to get my fWH to do that with me and he wouldn't. When I asked him about it after DDay and why he felt like he couldn't do that with me he said, "I can't fake that." That has always stayed with me.


Me BS: 42
Him FWH: 42

Status: R



Posts: 809 | Registered: Nov 2008
Topic Posts: 68