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Just Found Out
User Topic: I answered the OW
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

I took over my husbands secret affair account. He is trying to R the best he can. She emailed the account a couple weeks ago to ask him if it was secure and talked about her violent husband. I took her email to my therapist today and she said it sounded like OW knew I had it and was really writing to me and asking that I don't tell her husband. Its been bugging me. I know her husband deserves to know.

I just emailed her back simply saying. "I hope by now you told him what you did. He deserves to know." I pushed send and then started thinking...what if she emails my husband on his other account and lets him know. I want to tell her husband. Our marriage counselor told me that I should give her warning. Yikes! What have I done.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Why would she suspect that it was you answering unless your husband told her you had taken over the account?

I think you should tell her husband. He does deserve to know and I hope that if someone knew that I was being cheated on that they would let me know too.

Whether he's violent or not (she's probably lying anyway), it's her problem not yours.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
emmawa
Member
Member # 32154
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

It's just another textbook ow statement. It's a ploy for her to gain your sympathy. Nothing more. Probably not even true. Affair partners lie. 99% of the time
when this is said:when the bs's talk it is found to be absulute bullshit and the bs is just as nice and
just as devistated as you. I have witnessed this phenomenon over and over. Besides 2 sets of eyes are better than one. Easier to keep tabs on both of them. And If her bs knows she will have her hands full and be more likely to remain nc and
Less fishing attempts are usually made. If ow really were being abused she would be so afraid of the consiquences of her cheating by him her bs finding out it would be very likely she would not have cheated. I believe she is lying. Oh and tell your mc that she/ he have their head up their ass. With warning the ow will come up with some excuse. Ie your ws is lying, or stalking her, or she pissed you off and you are lying to get back at her or hurt her. She will deny deny deny and her bs may believe her over you. Don't give her time to spin her story. She did not care about hurting you. Why should you really care about her? Did she give you any consideration? I don't think she did. Ow are selfish and it is all about them. She is just once again making this all about her. She is the ""victim". Don't believe her. Do what makes you feel better on this long shitty rollercoaster. Take care of yourself. Think about what you need. She does not deserve any space in your head for worry, she did not worry about you.


emmawa

Posts: 100 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Washington state
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

It's not your secret to keep. Yes there are instances where the AP is married to an abuser (there are a some Waywards on SI that are in this group).

Generally speaking, I have seen on SI, the BW is told that the OWBH is violent. Or the BH is told the OMBW is crazy, vindictive. It is normally false because cheaters lie. (even to themselves). They will tell their AP anything to get a reaction, to further the fantasy, to manipulate the sitch. FWH and OW2 loved to rationalize the cheating by saying her BH was mean, abusive, controlling and I was mean and put down FWH. Except we all knew eachother, and although you can't know what happens behind closed doors, I knew they were exaggerating incidents for their own purpose.

Tell the other BH. Keeping the truth from him doesn't mean he won't find out. I found out about FWH online EA almost 3 years after it ended and 1 year after DDay for the PA.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

If you were an abused wife -- would you dare to cheat on your husband? Just saying...


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

OW in our sitch lied about being an abused wife. It is a classic ploy they use so please do NOT believe her. It is highly unlikely that a woman who was truly being abused would dare to cheat on her abusive husband. She would be too terrified of him to betray him to that degree. Tell her BH, he has a right to know that he is married to a ho. Do NOT warn her first she will gaslight the hell out of her BH and he won't believe you. So what if your WH knows you replied to her fishing attempt? He better NOT have a problem with it, know what I mean?


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

My FWH's OW filed false police reports--called and said that her BH was being physically violent with her, then when the police showed up, he was magically gone and she did not have a mark on her. She did this twice. It was so obviously a fraud, although my FWH believed it at the time. It is classic OW behavior. Their BH is always violent, abusive, etc. It is a plea for sympathy from you WH--or sometimes it is a way to try to keep you from telling her BH. either way, it is mostly likely untrue.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2010
cheerless
Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Whether he's violent or not (she's probably lying anyway), it's her problem not yours.

^this

The WSs had their affair without any consideration of whom they would hurt, so that should not be your concern. You're not responsible at all. She AND your WH should've taken her BS' abusive reputation into account.

BSs can also turn into violent people after affairs. (Jean Harris, Lorenal Bobbitt, etc.) They didn't consider that either, huh?


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

If you were an abused spouse you might indeed cheat on your violent H or W. My former BFF was married to an angry and abusive man. She cheated on him (that's why she's my former friend), and he beat her badly enough to send her to the hospital.

If people only cheated when they were sure it was completely "safe", nobody would cheat.

I do agree that the abusive husband story is often a lie. But it can certainly be true. BTW, I did help my former friend when she was in the hospital and after (kids needed attention, etc), but I haven't spoken to her since she recuperated.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

The OW in my situation was single so I don't have personal experience with this.

But, I have also read that some of the other common lies that OW gives
for why you should not contact the other BS is that the BS has a medical condition & the news would be the final straw that would kill them.
But this one is inventive---that he is abusive.

Definitely contact him, but don't tell your WH or OW that you are going to do it.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Classic lies the OW/M says to manipulate:
- My BS is violent and will hurt me/my children
- I''m pregnant
- I lost the baby
- I have/my (relative of choice) has cancer and I need support
- My BS and I live separate lives by choice

etc, et al. 99% of the time, it''s true. The 1% of the time that there might be some truth can be summed up by this sentence. Not My Problem. Being brutally honest, if it was a choice of the WS being beaten into a coma or being allowed to continue to contact my FWH, then bring on the coma. My primary obligation is to my family, not theirs.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I know that STBXH made choices too, but I've always felt like OW did something like this. I think it's because he was so confused about leaving or staying and had decided to stay, done all the right things, and BAM! It was so sudden that I wonder even bribery or manipulation, but yes, I do know that he also went, i.e., "it takes two."

I've been tempted to do something like that but haven't.

There are some interesting websites where some are free and some want money, but one thing some can do is search for websites a person is on.

I'm finally to the point where it's too much to see things or the names, but when I was looking for dirt, it was an interesting find.

The other thing I meant to mention is that now that I'm on this side of the fence, I am a lot easier going with the one person who is a friend who told me she knew some of STBXH's behavior and activities. She's a fellow BS and a whole bunch of people knew but didn't tell me.

It's another bees nest to sort out, how to treat or what to do with a person who knew pertinent info. but didn't say anything.

It's my belief that if it's bugging you not to tell the H, then maybe you should think about telling him. I think it's something like guilt because you know something about him?

I hope you can make a decision soon and find some peace.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Take2... What you said just stuck in my head and I wasn't planning to reply until your post.
It's absolutely true!
If you have a violent husband, a mean husband, treats you bad, calls you names.... No way that your first thought is to cheat!! Maybe plan on escaping somehow?? But cheating.
So many men fall for the "my husband abuses me, hits, or is violent. I think that should make the guy think "if she's so scared, what is she doing talking to a married man???


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

Is your IC also your MC?

I ask this because you have in one post you have to horrendously bad pices of info and advice.

A counselor worth their salt would not try to "read" someone's mind, which is what yours did when she said it looked like OW knew it was you and suggested the OW's ulterior motive. Most counselors would never do such a thing, only work with quantifiable knowledge, not guessing.

Secondly, the MC is obviously not experienced in counseling for infidelity, or s/he wouldn't have suggested warning the OW. That normally only backfires on the BS because the OP will usually do one of three things:
- try to prevent the BS from contacting their BS
- lay the groundwork for making the BS out to be crazy and focused on the OP instead of the "real" (made up) OP or other issue.
- file for harassment against the BS


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 6th (Monday)

If you were an abused wife -- would you dare to cheat on your husband? Just saying...

LOL.

Isn't it comical how MANY cheaters seem to be married to "abusers?" And when they're caught at their dirty little game, they always use that excuse to avoid having their betrayed spouse find out about it.

Golly gee, what a coincidence that is.

Not.

If my significant other were abusive, I'd be too damned PETRIFIED to go out skanking around behind his back. Yet, this OW risked a life-threatening beat-down just to screw around behind her husband's back. Why, she's almost a hero for being so brave!

Lastly, if I had a dime for every single time I've read this on SI - a cheater claiming their affair partner's spouse is 'abusive,' I'd be rich.

Seriously.

Tell him.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 6th (Monday)

It's just so ridiculous how many times the cheaters falsely claim abuse from their spouses. Of course MOW's husband was abusive, and he told her I was too

What's so stupid about this is that even if I was abusive or her BH was abusive, that DOES NOT give them a reason to cheat! It would certainly give my WH the right to LEAVE me, and it would certainly give MOW the right to LEAVE her BH, but it DOES NOT EVER give them a valid excuse to cheat.

I would say tell the BH no matter what. Whether he is abusive or not, he deserves the right to know. Let's pretend he is abusive, then she needs to leave him and get herself some help from family, friends, women's shelters, etc., but there is nothing you or your husband should be doing about that. Obviously, there's nothing your WH could do to help that situation. He only adds fuel to the fire and makes things worse for her. And also pretending this guy is violent (again, highly doubtful), think of the danger your WH is putting himself and you in if the BH were to become vindictive.

Please tell the BH and then make sure you and your WH remain absolutely no contact with these people. That bitch needs a no contact letter from your WH, like yesterday, and the threat of a restraining order if she tries again..

Lots of hugs and support to you. Good luck.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 6th (Monday)

My BS started with the OW when she cried on his shoulder saying she needed help with her divorce because her husband was abusive. Found out years later from her daughter that she got divorced because her husband cheated on her! She said never abused her. Didn't realize this was such a classic ploy used by OW but apparently it is. Disgusting. Talk to OWH. Give him information about his own life. He deserves that. She can leave him at any time. Don't be manipulated by her. She has already taken enough from you.
Good luck on your R. Hope you and H can find a peaceful life without this thing dirtying it up. I agree that your therapist doesn't seem to be giving you good advice. Try another one. It is hard to start over with your story, but just try a better one.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 6th (Monday)

This is the letter from the OW that I read to my IC. When she told me she believed that the OW was really writing it for me, I agreed. She was actually validating my feelings. I thought that the first time I read it, mostly because I knew that there were so many lies in it. It doesn't take much mind reading to see that she wants me to keep her secret from her BH.


Since I didn't hear back from you I have been wondering what was the fate of our emails? In retrospect, it never occurred to me that they would ever be seen by anybody except you. Had I thought through the possibility, I would not have made myself so vulnerable. I have been emotionally suppressed in my marriage and it felt good to be honest with my thoughts/feelings and I trusted you completely. I said I had no regrets, and on an individual level that remains true, you helped me through a very difficult time. In context, our friendship developed and my long held stress of living with PTSD was somewhat released. However, I guarded our emails with a paranoia of someone who knew they could never be discovered by my husband. With Ed's explosive history, I hope you understand my current fear.

I hope it's obvious that I never meant to hurt anybody when I reached out to you through facebook. I remembered you all these years as such a kind, gentle, and truly good person. When we started writing, I found that same wonderful man. I'm so sorry for the pain I have brought to you and your family. You have always remained true to your desire to work things out with _______. It's ironic that all of this was discovered after you asked me to discontinue writing so that you could focus on healing your marriage. I am deeply saddened that my emotions carried me to the point where it may not be possible to salvage our friendship. There are no words, only tears, to communicate how much I miss your wit, humor, and wisdom. I will always remember our email journey as a time when you brought life back into my dead soul. I truly hope that ________ understands and that the two of you are able to renew your commitment and love for each other. I will not write again, but I would appreciate a response simply to appease any fears I am harboring related to our emails being public.


I know that this was not just an "email Journey." I also know that my husband became completely emotionally distanced from me during their A. His intentions were not to heal our marriage. He was working to make me give up. Even after he told me about the A and promised to work on our marriage, he met her while she was on vacation, gave her a love poem, walked with her on the beach, and kissed her. For days after that they made a mockery of me by sending misleading emails with secret messages inside. I didn't catch on until I got into their "secret Love" account. I don't know if I will be able to feel safe with him again though I am trying to wait and see what happens with us.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 4:08 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Our OW was abused too.

Boy was her husband ever shocked. Other than the fact he was OW's BH he was a really sincerly nice guy.

The only abuse that ever happend was done by her own hand - as in throwing herself out of a moving truck for drama and affect.

Sadly, for a long time Mr Lucky actually believed it.

I had been in an abusive relationship prior to him, once I began pointing out how none of this made sense and the danger she would have put herself and family in... uhmm no.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 6th (Monday)

found out from WH that OW claims that the father of her first child abused her.....and the father of her second child wanted her to quit working and stay home with the kids.....both kids have no relationship with their fathers, first child a little bit but second one has none, so now my WH has become a father fiqure to them (ages 19 and 10) while his own children have been, for lack of a better word, abandoned

Wonder how much of her relationship history is actually truth and how much is just a bunch of lies so that WH will pity her and try to be her KISA


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
cheerless
Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, May 6th (Monday)

My WH's OW's BH also abused her. Poor thing.

For the whole 10 yrs she and my H knew each other, through their whole 8 yr affair, she was always getting ready to leave her mean ol' H and his abusive ways.

My H felt bad for the poor little skank. So he stuck by her side, like the upstanding honest man of integrity we knew him to be.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

OW in our situation claimed abuse also. I spoke with her BS and found out some things that I did not know. Not only was he not an abuser.....he had no idea she was telling people this. It could have cost him his job. He and his lawyer handled it.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3974 | Registered: Aug 2007
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Actually, I can understand that an abused wife would cheat on her husband. I can totally understand that she would be looking for someone to rescue her. Doesnt make it ok or a better reason to cheat. There are other options.

But having said that most of the time the OW are lying about that. Just like they lie about having cancer or being pregnant. And yes, if I truly believed she was being abused Id be afraid to say anything to the husband. Thats just how I feel.

As for the email OW sent you its CLEAR in her last sentence that she was making a point there she wants to feel safe that her BH wont find out and wants some reassurance. Personally, if that were me Id write her back tell her who you are and here is what Id say-

Im the keeper or your dirty little secret but just how long I intend to keep that secret is up to me. I hope you like surprises.

Thats exactly what I told the OW in my situation and yes I did surprise her when she least expected it.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

The OW in my sitch lied and said she was an abused spouse. It was the ruse she used to get close to my H so she could get his sympathy and friendship. Then the seduction started. After DD, my FWH dumped her ass. Her BH never abused her, ever. They are divorced now and she is living with a man that is younger than her children. She lied to con my H. Then she kept lying to kept me from telling her BH (he was her husband #4). I NEVER believed it and said so. Then she changed her story and said she wasn't in a real marriage. He was paying her so he could get a green card. Turns out she was still lying. She blocked me from his FB and tried to kept me from contacting him. She was the OW in his marriage. Bitch has a history of whoring, cheating, and stealing husbands. She thought my H would be her number 5. She soon learned her mistake.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

OW is probably lying. IF not - that's her problem.
Her husband deserves to know his wife is a CHEATER.
I'd tell her.
Make sure you don't let your WH know, either. Otherwise he might warn her!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

OW is probably lying. IF not - that's her problem.
Her husband deserves to know his wife is a CHEATER.
I'd tell her.
Make sure you don't let your WH know, either. Otherwise he might warn her!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

She may or may not know you have access, but I say she was fishing.

"I won't write again, but please email me back and comfort me" is a ploy to get him to start communicating with her again. It tells her he is still checking the account and if he answers, it tells her that he will still talk to her.

Does your county/city have online police/court records? You could check and see if there are any complaints against the husband.

I would never recommend putting a human being in danger and that includes OW. If you really believe he is abusive, I wouldn't reveal to him. If you don't think he is abusive, then tell the BH and that way she doesn't need to worry any more.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I tried to call him on the phone with a blocked number. They don't accept blocked numbers so I have to figure something out.

A friend told me to print out the emails they exchanged and send them to him in registered mail. I might do that. I don't know how much he would want to know though. I don't want to cause him pain.

I doubt he is that abusive. They have been married 27 years and her main complaint to my husband was that he was emotionally distant. Funny I could have said the same thing about my husband toward me.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I don't want to cause him pain.

You're not causing him pain. His WW and your WH are, just as they are to you.

Though I haven't done it myself yet (I work overseas), I would recommend personally handing the printed emails to the BH of the OW without saying anything except that you thought he should know, and leave.

My xWW has tried to claim even to me that I have kept her sheltered and away from society, when the truth is I never once stopped her from doing anything she wanted EVER. It's a lie. My point: THEY LIE. Even if what she says were true, how would you know for sure unless you saw it with your own eyes? Or saw a police report with photos? AND, even if you did, how does saving her become your responsibility? But the likelihood of it being true is very, very low.

Remember, when someone decides to cheat, they have decided to give their minds over to evil, and truth can no longer reside in a mind filled with evil. It is really that simple.

Is reconciliation possible? Some claim it is. But the truth is that there will always be a shred of doubt, and you have to decide if you can live with that doubt. I myself haven't decided yet if I can. Besides she hasn't asked to R because she doesn't think she's done any wrong--which is also usually the case.

Most cheaters don't really believe they have done anything wrong. If you carefully listen to what they say, you will hear a rebellious voice telling you that they don't believe they've done anything wrong or sinful and if they did, they don't really care.

Just sayin...be skeptical.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

This is the letter from the OW that I read to my IC. When she told me she believed that the OW was really writing it for me, I agreed. She was actually validating my feelings. I thought that the first time I read it, mostly because I knew that there were so many lies in it. It doesn't take much mind reading to see that she wants me to keep her secret from her BH.

Actually, I disagree. Based on the emails I read from xOW2 and many others I have read in my years on SI.

The lies are irrelevant. APs are in a state of mind that rewrites their reality. It's most obvious when the M history is rewritten, but it also happens as the A ends. I think the term is cognitive dissonance.

Quite frequently OW and xOW attempt to portray themselves as the loving, understanding alternative. After all, the BW must be a shrew or the WH wouldnt have cheated on her. He just needs to remember the loving OW and all they shared...

It sounds like, IMO, the xOW is trying to get reassurance by calling up your WH's KISA traits while assuring him that really, their A was harmless. It's a guilt trip designed to restart the A and testing to see if you have access to the secret email yet.

She has nobody to focus on but your WH since she's turned from her BH and M. Telling the BH would give her something else to focus on.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

What is KISA? I looked in the dictionary and couldn't find it.

I can see that she may be writing it to dh. It still sounds like she is tiptoeing in case I had access to it. Now she knows I do. She wrote me back.


Yes, of course you are right. Life has been quite humbling. Thank you.
OW

I do plan to let her husband know. They live in another state so its not as easy as handing him the emails. A friend suggested sending them registered mail.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

what if she emails my husband on his other account and lets him know. I want to tell her husband.

So what? Your husband shouldn't have a problem with it if he is wanting to R the marriage. If he does have a problem with it, he simply wants to protect her which you shouldn't have to put up with.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Learning:
KISA: Knight in Shining Armor.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Topic Posts: 33