|Just Found Out|
Topic: I feel trapped
Member # 39173
| Posted: 7:26 AM, May 4th (Saturday)|
This isn't the first affair that my husband has had. The first was at the beginning of our relationship. I didn't find out about that one until after we were married and had a baby on the way. It was still going on. At that time, he was incredibly remorseful and worked hard to reconcile and we had a great relationship for 7 years based on absolute honesty. |We had each other's passwords for everything and nothing was hidden.
Fast forward to a year ago. He starts a new position at work on a new team and begins talking about his team mates with one woman in particular. She is newly separated and he seems really anxious to help her out. When she starts texting him in the middle of the night and asking him to come over during the day to help her with things I start hearing alarm bells. I respectfully told him that I was really uncomfortable with his friendship with her because that is how the last affair started. He assured me that he would cut it off because he understood how I was feeling. Well he didn't. He started hiding his cell phone, changed his passwords and became very secretive. Around January I come to find out that not only did he not stop talking to her (thought he told me several times that he would) there was an affair going on. I am devastated and he walks out to go live with a friend leaving me to be the one who gets to explain to our kids why Daddy isn't sleeping at home anymore. We decided to try and reconcile through counselling. While we were in counselling the therapist told my husband that he can not have ANY contact with the Ow any further. My husband agrees and, like an idiot, I believe him. Well, guess what. I came home from work yesterday because I wasn't feeling well and find the Ow sitting on my fricken couch, eating her lunch! HE BROGHT HER TO MY HOUSE!!!
I feel so trapped right now. He even got mad at me for being so angry about it. He just kept repeating "There's nothing going on". He acted like I was being ridiculous. If we didn't have kids I know I would have thrown him out long ago. We have four children. Our oldest 2 are mine by a previous relationship. My oldest daughter is going through some horrific stuff with her bio dad right now that I won't get into here, but let's just say that his preliminary trial in in 2 weeks. Our youngest son has autism and is vwery high needs. I am also stuck now because his parents have just helped us to buy a house. It's in their name and we are paying the mortgage. We haven't even moved in yet! I kick him out and it screws them over. I just don't know what to do.
He doesn't even seem remorseful about it now. I'm so tired of feeling like I will never be worth it to him.
Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39055
| Posted: 7:55 AM, May 4th (Saturday)|
I am so sorry you find yourself here. I can relate to the situation of him bringing the OW to your house. My WS admits to 1x bringing her to our home but also admits with the intention of wanting to have a PA. He says they both felt uncomfortable and she had one drink and left.
My question for you to ask him is why not tell you? If it is so innocent, why not tell you he was having lunch with her at your house? Was this the first time? What if he came home to find you and a male co-worker sitting on the sofa? How would he feel about you corresponding with a distraught male co- worker. Also, he has a history lets not forget that. Even if he is telling you the truth and it is platonic, it is still your house. You have a right to express that you are uncomfortable with this and he needs to respect that. If he does not than you can see he is not respectful of the way you feel.
My WS has other encounters with multiple women that I just found out about 7 weeks ago. This one at my house is to me the most disrespectful. That is my house where I live with my children.
I'm sorry about all the other complications you are facing. You should seek out a lawyer so you can sort this out. There may be lawyers that provide free consultations or a women's' group that can offer financial advice. Get some facts that can show you your options. There may be options you have not thought of. When I sought legal advice I understood what would happen if we did divorce. Once I sought legal advice and understood what divorce would look like in reality I was able to separate myth from fact and it became less scary. Once I became less afraid , I was empowered to demand more for myself and for my life.
[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 7:57 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]
This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.
Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39173
| Posted: 9:18 AM, May 4th (Saturday)|
Thanks so much for replying. Maybe I will check out my options. I guess I wasn't too clear in my previous ramble, lol. The woman he had over at our house was someone he has/had been having an affair with for the past year and promised that he would communicate with anymore as part of our agreement to move forward. Needless to say I was more than a little p***ed! I may have thrown her purse at her head while she was sitting on my couch. Lucky for me, I missed!
Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 35507
| Posted: 11:00 AM, May 4th (Saturday)|
Please see an attorney and find out what your rights are. He may end up paying you enough alimony and CS that you can get out of the M. I cannot believe the audacity of him expecting you to share him with OW. That is mental and emotional abuse. Exposing you to STD's is physical abuse. Sounds like he is a serial cheater with no remorse. How did the OW react to your catching them? I applaud you for controlling yourself. I am too emotional and I would have ripped the bitch's hair out. My FWH brought OW to our home and had sex with her in our bed while I was out of town. I wish to God that I had come home early and caught them but then again, I would probably be sitting in prison on a murder charge if I had. I guess God was protecting me from myself. I hope that you find a way out of this mess your WH has created. I am so sorry for your pain and the pain your children are suffering due to his selfishness. Please take care of yourself and keep reminding yourself that you deserve better than what he has given you. Don't take any shit from him or the OW. Stand your ground.
Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
2 grown children
Status - in R
Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 38597
| Posted: 11:19 AM, May 4th (Saturday)|
Sorry you're here again.
My WH has been super remorseful and I feel almost obligated to give him another chance. Your story terrifies me. It's what I fear will happen if I do go ahead and R.
I know what it's like to feel trapped! I'm a stay at home mom and wouldn't have a way to support myself and the kids if I left right now.
I hope you get to see an attorney soon.
"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."
Posts: 609 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 30826
| Posted: 12:03 PM, May 4th (Saturday)|
I think I'd have pulled out my 9mm and told her she better get the fuck out of my house..that I considered her an intruder and if she wasn't out of there in 30 seconds I'd exercise my right to protect my home.
just kidding...sort of.
M: June 2001
Status: Happily Reconciled.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 34047
| Posted: 4:33 PM, May 4th (Saturday)|
I know you can't put up with what he's doing. On the other hand, you already know the pain divorce causes your children. So don't consider yourself a wimp for wanting to keep things going for the children. It's an indication of what a good and unselfish person you are. I have to admit that it's frustrating for a guy like me to see that this jerk has a wonderful woman and doesn't cherish it. I'm not good at giving advice on reconciliation, because I never got the chance to experience it. I've noticed that the 180 strategy that you can find on this site is a good way to go. If I were you, I would look it up and follow it. Good luck
DDay January 2010
Divorced July 2010...broke up 2 families
Contented single dad of 2 grown sons and two daughters.
XW talks to kids about once a year
Posts: 54 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Southwest
Member # 35812
| Posted: 6:54 PM, May 4th (Saturday)|
If his actions cause his parents to be financially screwed, then those are HIS actions that accomplished that. Not yours. You need to take them out of the equation. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4550 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 34823
| Posted: 12:39 PM, May 5th (Sunday)|
He just kept repeating "There's nothing going on"
Wow. He had an A with OW. You knew about it. He knew you knew about it. He told you he wouldn't be in contact with her anymore. The MC told him that he couldn't be in contact with OW anymore. You come home and find her in your home, on your couch....and he has the nerve to act as if YOU are the ridiculous, unreasonable one? AYFKM????
Look, I realize that kids and *life in general* complicate matters. But IMO, your WH is too far *gone* and it would be in your best interest to separate yourself from him immediately.
His parents getting screwed if you leave your WH is *all.on.him*. Your WH KNEW that he was still carrying on his A while he was allowing his parents to commit to a home loan for you guys. That's just stone-cold.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, alt....
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
|Topic Posts: 9|| |