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User Topic: He wants details
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Hi All

If anyone has read my recent posts on Why can't I explain Why knows that I've been trying to explain details, whys and wherefores of my A to my BS. He is asking questions in writing which is helping as it lets me compose answers honestly and properly. But he is asking for written details of the sexual acts; and I mean DETAILS!

Should I do this? I am willing to do anything to help him heal - but I'm not sure this is going to help ... Have any WS done this or BS requested this? Did it help? Or was it just more material for triggers? Any advice from those further in the path than me greatly appreciated!! xx


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

blackkat - for me, the whys took a little while to really figure out. Not sure when your dday was, but you registration date makes me think it is rather recent.

In the first 3 months, maybe a little longer, i personally was still in the very surface mode of the whys. It has taken me the better part of a 6 months to 9 months to really get to the bottom of all of my whys. I know the dreaded word around here is time, but time plus a lot of digging, is what is needed IMO to really get to your whys.

As far as details, my BW wanted to know all of the details, and a written time line. If that is what he is asking for, and you want R, then you need to give it to him. It helps the BS put the pieces of the puzzle together.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
tryingmybest2011
Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

You should do it.

At this point, it's not your decision as to what will help and what will hinder his healing.

Your compliance with his request with be one of those actions that us BS are always looking for.

If he's asked for it, give it to him. Let go of the outcome.

Good luck, blackkat.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

If a BS is asking for details, it is because they believe they need those details. Please don't decide for your BH what he needs to know, or doesn't.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
hurtsobadinside
Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Each BS needs different details to heal. One shoe does not fit all.
With that being said, if you are asked a question give the correct truthful honest answer. If details are asked for, give details in your answer.
The truth will hurt, but nowhere near the hurt and pain more lies cause.
Plus in answering honestly and apologizing for the pain you have caused will show you are committed, to "R" and willing to putting in all the hard work that comes with this journey
If I can impart one thing to you....its to be
completely honest...no TT ing
Sending you strength for this roller coaster journey

BS- me 59
WS-her 58
LTA--7 yrs. PA&EA with former boss
1 Daughter 24 - reformed eating disorder left with excessive OCB
Dday- April 2012
Married 25 yrs.
I did contact AP's faithful wife and advised her of everything
Status: in "R" and finally getting better

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 2:51 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Thanks to you both - yes my DDay is pretty recent - it was only Feb of this year. Sounds like its time to take a deep breath and commit the sorry-arsed sorrid tale on paper.. Ive already done a timeline - but I hadn't accounted for the sexual details which is what he is asking for! Here goes ...

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

BH here.

I asked my fWW for explicit details, and yes it helped very much.

If you truly want to reconcile your marriage, now is the time for open and honest communication. Secrets are the death of a marriage. As long as you don't reveal the requested details, your BH will assume you are still lying and hiding things.

Without the details, your mind imagines the worst possible scenarios. As you reveal the information, be respectful of his feelings, but also be honest. Your BH knows you well and he will sense if you are answering in half-truths. Allow him space to express anger if needed.

Writing things down is a good idea, because it will allow your BH to review the answers as needed. This may help reduce him asking you the same questions over and over from different angles.

It may be helpful for you to read "Joseph's Letter" in The Healing Library. This will give you a better perspective of what your BH is thinking.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

BH also. I also wanted all the details. Yes it hurt incredibly much to find out exactly what she had done. However, the reality paled in comparison to the mind movies I was able to create. The only caution I might have is that once you know something, you can't unknow it.

please be honest with him.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2549 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

BS here, and I agree with the others - BH is entitled to the details. If he's asking for them, then he needs them. He is imagining the absolute worst, so all your honesty will do is either confirm the worst, or something less than the worst.

I think what we really are trying to reestablish is openness and honesty in our most important relationship. I'm still new at dealing with this, but honesty and transparency are the first steps toward regaining trust (at least I think so, see me in 2 years).

Best of luck.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1326 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
JustForgave
Member
Member # 36038
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Another BS here.

I agree with everyone else--tell him what he wants to know. But I'd like to add: you say "I'm not sure this is going to help."

At this point, please don't make any more decisions for your BH. My own WH recently, in answer to one of my questions, said, "I don't have an answer that'll make you happy! I don't see what good an answer will do!" My response was, "I don't want an answer that'll make me happy, I want the truth!"

That's what this is about--TRUTH! He's been lied to by the one person he thought he could trust, and needs to see and hear NOTHING but truth coming from you now, no matter how much you think it'll hurt him. He knows what he needs.

Good for you for coming here! Hang in there!


Me: 47
FWH: 39 (SI username: Bumbling)
DD: 10

DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present


Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Texas
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

BS hee.
If your BS wants details to help him heal, then give him details. It's his choice.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I can't stress the importance of truth about everything, no matter how much you think it will hurt him.

This is why my M is such shit right now. My SAWH has lied his ass off to me about details since day one, just got more of the "truth" two weeks ago and it set me back to the very beginning.

The way it is with me, not saying your H is like this, but every single thing I have gotten him to confess was something I already knew he was lying about because his version of the truth made no sense. We BS have a real sixth sense about this stuff.

So to repeat what others have said, please tell him whatever he needs to know ASAP. You won't regretit if you want to save your marriage. Wishing you luck.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Another thing to consider: your BH already knows what you will do and won't do in bed. Sometimes these questions are mainly geared towards finding out how committed you are to being honest and transparent. An affair by its nature requires dishonesty and secrecy.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1326 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Yet another BS here. Pulled up this post hoping to find WS posting...to see their perspective on this basic question.

I am a BS that needs details. If details are left out my mind has a hay-day. I actually had my wife drive me to the farmhouse in the country that the OM owned as a weekend getway...this is where they met to have sex. I had her point out which rooms by window they had sex in.

Sure it was hard...but it did help me put together the puzzle I have been handed.

TT was a way of life for my wife...and it has added a pile of new stuff to dig through and deal with.

Please, if details are asked give them. If direct questions are asked fill in with direct full answers.

Dont pull a Bill Clinton...offer up what you as a caring person know what your spouse is driving at. Dont spin anything.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Apple3point14
Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

You should tell him everything he wants to know. It really is about him. If he is going to process this he needs answers. He deserves answers. You know the nitty gritty details and he deserves to. Tell it as early as possible. I tt,d changed details about exactly where it happened and I regret it deeply. It caused even more pain and set r back. Never again. Telling the details is hard ,I know, but anything that can possibly help him Doit for him.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2013
FaithStricken
Member
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

For a BS the details are horrific. But getting the truth and having our WS face it ... every terrible detail... is important in order to reconcile otherwise the secrets of details can create an even bigger distance between spouses.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
Honest1
Member
Member # 29976
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, May 5th (Sunday)

blackkat,

BH here. I commend your concern for your BS and your wanting to help him heal. I haven't posted for a very long time but saw your post and felt I should reply to your post. I didn't see a Stop sign.

I think you should give your BH the truth if you want to help him heal and are wanting to R. The reason I say this is that I needed details from my WW so I could heal and begin rebuilding trust that the A took away.
Despite the hurt and betrayal of the A I still was hoping for R.
Unfortunately my WW was never willing to give me any indepth details of the A; no details on sexual acts, and a very vague timeline.

In the end I never got the details nor the opportunity to rebuilt the trust needed.

You seem to know what your BS needs to know and seem sincere in helping him heal. I wish you well.


BS 49
WW 47
SPa May 3rd 2010
D-day Oct 6th 2010 WS asked for R
D-day2 Oct 17th 2010 WS breaks NC
2 Kids ages 5 & 8
Separated 11/07/2010

Posts: 135 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Midwest
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, May 5th (Sunday)

My BH wanted details. I answered his questions. It was hard and it was humiliating. But there are no more secrets or lies between us. I would advise you to tell the truth. All of it.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Changed72
Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

BS here also.

My WW is very vague with her answers on everything. Timeline is somewhat together, but just as many missing parts in it. There are so many days that are unaccountable for.

As far as the details on the acts, she is vague there also. She has said sex wasn't the focal point of the A's. So there isn't alot that happened sexually. So then I think she should remember more then, but she can't.

So I'm coming to a crossroad...
In her mind, she never want to lose me all this time, but she did everything she could to accomplish that.
Now with our M in the line, she just can't figure out, or remember the details. Go figure.

So blackkat, if you have those details, tell him.
I wish I had them.

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!!!

THE TRUTH HURTS!!!
But you can make it hurt a little less.


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

Oh thank you very much for those who have posted - both BS and WS. Advice has all been very consistent so its very clear what I need to do - 'man up' and start writing.

The words from JustForgave really hit home (thank you!!) in that thinking 'it wont help' I am making decisions on what I think is going to help him. I can now see that I've no right on judging whats going to help him in his R.

I can honestly say I am absolutely terrified at the thought - but I just need to write it down and try and let go of the outcome. Wish me luck folks - will let you know how I get on!!


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

Good luck and strength to you blackkat. It's a big step on the way to being an honest and authentic person.

I was sick and literally shaking but my BH and I both lived through it and I feel like we are on the same team in getting through this mess now. He says he feels like that most days too.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Its Better Now?
Member
Member # 34802
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I know I am in late on this topic, and only have one thing to add to all the good advise. As he has asked, give him EVERY detail. What I'm saying is, don't leave something out because you feel it was an unimportant piece of the whole story. Especially the details about the sex ( again: he has asked ). I can personally tell you that if you do leave something out, because you feel it doesn't add anything, or in your mind it is genuinely unimportant, and it comes out later..... you have just hit him in the chest with a sledgehammer again.Seriously. Give him everything.


OK; It's Brass Tacks Time

Posts: 124 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Lost and Wondering
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Hi All - just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and encouragement.

I've wrote the timeline, sexual details and all - I felt sick writing it so god knows how BS is going to feel. I am now dreading sending it as we've had a really good couple of days together. BS asked for the details rather angrily a few days ago when we were not in a good place. I know its naive to think that sending it is going to 'set us back' cos we will go back and forwards, up and down regardless of this... it just feels even more tough after such a lovely couple of days...

Needing strength right now as I'm scared...


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

As you know- it won't disappear so just give all the details then work from there- as you hold it off it will just drag on another problem if you know what I mean.

I wanted all the details and they're horrible and it was awful hearing them BUT I know now so it gets dealt with. I personally self soothe sometimes thinking about how she's told me everything.

Stay strong and go for it- it'll be better in the long run.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Well, I've done - I had wrote down all the sorrid details as factually as possible; and sent to my BS. we are seperated at the minute so I know he is sitting in our house (I moved out) reading those awful details on his own and my heart is breaking for him. I also feel sick at his reaction to me. God please help us both tonight.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

BS here, please answer the questions. Give details. If it helps to not have to be looking at him when you say it, then don't look at him. Turn out the lights if you have to. It's kind of like a splinter, I think. You can't heal and he can't heal until you get it out.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

(((blackkat)))


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

This is one thing that I didn't think would help my husband at all. I didn't think that telling him details about my A would help him heal in any way.

One day though, I sat down with my husband and told him all the details of my A. And I mean all the details.

Everything from the text messages, to the conversations I had with him in person, to the actual sex acts and even the blowjob I gave my AP. I gave him all the details about it all.

Honestly, I didn't see how this was going to help my husband heal but after I was done telling him everything, he said Thank you and was relieved. Because now nothing was a secret and he knew everything little detail there was to know about the A. I know that it hurt him to know that I had taken part in 2 sexual acts that he wasn't part of but he was okay to know exactly what happened.

Even now, my husband still asks questions every now and again and I answer them. I know he is and always will be hurt with what I did, but knowing all the details has helped him and his mind movies. Mind you, he still has mind movies but they aren't as bad sometimes.

It was a relief to tell him everything about my A.

[This message edited by FR2012 at 8:45 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

How are you blackkat?

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
dontknowanymore1
New Member
Member # 39238
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

hi, I know I only found out the other day, but, I got answers today about the sex, every detail I could get, and it does feel better. the movies I was getting involved loads of things and were really hard to cope with, but now I know the truth the movies are easier if that makes sense!!


me bgf(25)
him wbf(44)
dday 7th may 2013
children 2
together 4 1/2 years
status want out

How can you love what you cant trust?


Posts: 49 | Registered: May 2013 | From: england
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

May I make a suggestion? Take an incremental approach. Write 2 detail reports.

The first one more basic: a list of positions, # of orgasms, etc.

The second one could be more explicit.

Your BH is looking for what was going on in your mind and heart. Make sure you annotate this description with what you were thinking THEN and what you think/know NOW. In fact, if you are doing this on the computer, use different font colors for "thoughts then" and "thoughts now" vs "storyline"

I discovered my WH's A by finding his skype chat window open and reading what they had been saying to each other. Basically I had to skim through MONTHS of sexting to find out who, where, when.

There are details I wish I didn't know that have affected my ability to R.

Tell your husband you have the 2 detail lists. Tell him you are giving him the more basic one first and that you have an even more explicit one available for him to read if he choses to do so after the more laundry list one.

He's free to PM me if he wants to talk about the problems associated with TMI.

Just like you can not undo the A, no matter how much you wish, he can not unknow details after he learns them.

Kudos to you for being willing to do this. Remember... honesty is the most important thing now.

Good luck.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Darkonius
Member
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 13th (Monday)

BS- here, I am so proud of you for managing to muster the courage to put your BS needs in front of your own fears and needs on this. I desperately wish more than anything I could convince my WW to do this, it is constantly on my mind. I just want the whole truth every detail so that I can move past this mental block for me, right now I am stuck in a constant loop of making shit up in my mind, and then replaying it over and over looking for things that I have missed.

Please give us an update on how this is going for you.


Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
Children:None
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
DDay#3:3/4/2013
Married:19yrs
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Hi All - a few of you have very kindly asked for an update... so just wanted to check in.

I did as asked and wrote two documents - one with all the thoughts and feelings, why I felt the A had happened etc; the second one was a detailed timeline including when we met, where and sexual acts that took place. I can hand on heart say that writing and sending it was one of the hardest things I have ever done - I was absolutely heartbroken and hysterical. I'd love to put anyone considering / verge of having an A in that position - and they would run a mile!!! It was horrorific - all I could think of was... if this is what its like for me writing it - how the f@@@ is my BH going to feel reading it.

As I think I've said - we are seperated and so I spent a very long 15 mins in a seperate apartment waiting for him to read it - before he emailed back with more questions - which I answered immediately and then the said - OK - now I know the details ... we can focus on why it happened!

I couldn't believe it.... its like an element of peace was instantly restored. I felt so blessed in that moment - that he could read those things, take a deep breath and go OK ... so now what??!!

All, I can say is that the collective wisdom of SIers proved to be spot on and thank you so much for encouraging and supporting me to do it. Blessings to you all xx


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
Darkonius
Member
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 13th (Monday)

((((BlackKat))))

I physically broke down and cried for a good 10 minutes after reading your update. I had to step outside and get some fresh air.

I am so happy that you found the wisdom and courage to do this, and that you realize the impact of your actions. I'm so very glad that your BH had the ability to ask the questions and to receive the answers he so desperately needed. I hope you don't mind if I say that you two will be in my prayers.

Please keep up the hard work, and continue to shine a light in those dark corners because evil thoughts and deeds cannot exist in the light.

I seriously cannot express to you how moved I was by this, and pray that one day soon my WW can manage the same courage.


Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
Children:None
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
DDay#3:3/4/2013
Married:19yrs
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Oh thank you Darkinious - I've had so much support on SI; and I wouldnt have done it without the guidance of SI members that it was the RIGHT thing to do.

Is your WW on here to get the same messages? I dont think I could have done it without SI - NO WAY!! But, more to the point - I wouldn't have realised that it is the RIGHT thing to do to move forward - its very counter-intuititive.

I hope you both get to where you need to be


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
Darkonius
Member
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Yes she is a regular on here, though I am not sure she receives the messages being delivered with as open of a mind. She is still very hung up on "protecting me" from the truth and doing things that she thinks are in my best interest, rather than listening to what I say my needs are. But we are slowly working on it.

Again I just want to say I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU!!

Edit: Spelling

[This message edited by Darkonius at 2:26 PM, May 13th (Monday)]


Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
Children:None
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
DDay#3:3/4/2013
Married:19yrs
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 13th (Monday)

I would have been the same Darkinous in terms of 'protecting' my BS. But then, something that JustForgave posted gave me a good slap - in that "please do not make any more decisons for your spouse - you've already made decisions for you both by having the A" (or words to that affect). Hit me like a bolt from the blue - it wasn't my call to protect him - if I was serious about that I wouldn't have friggen done it in the first place!!!

And then it was a case of getting over my shame as I realised that by not doing it I was still making it ALL ABOUT ME!! I hope the penny drops soon...


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Nicely done, blackkat.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

blackkat,

I so wish my WW had had the strength to do for me what you did for your BH.

The last thing I want to do is interject negativity to your hard fought for outcome, but you need to be prepared for a swing of emotion when this information starts to sink in.

He's desided to work through this with you, but digesting it is going to cause an unpredicable amount of indigestion.

Hugs in advance and a big thumbs up.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 609 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

If he asks, you give them. You owe it to him.

Having said that, I don't think it will help. I don't think anything will. This is why I'm, more times than not, against reconciling. Even if you don't give him details, he will make them up in his head. And whether he makes them up, or you give them to him, it will eat away at him. This is the kind of pain that infidelity causes, and in my opinion more so with physical affairs.

So the problem is, will it help, or will it hurt things? The answer is it really doesn't matter. You tell him what he wants to know and pray. You owe it to him, even if he doesn't know if its the best thing or not for him.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

nofool: Fatalistic much? You're generally against R because, what, it's a no-win situation so why bother?

So thankful for my BH right now. When he vowed "for better or for worse" I'm sure he had no clue how bad I could be.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
sadcamper
New Member
Member # 34991
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I have to echo Twitchy. When I confessed to my BH, I gave details. I read a book that said to keep details vague, as they aren't helpful, but there's not much you can do when you want to dedicate yourself to R and you're faced with this question. I continued to give more details (as best I could remember - it's a bit blurry) for as often as he asked. 18+ months later, he recalls those acts and asks about them.
The upside is that he doesn't have to wonder what happened. He knows all of the awfulness. The downside is, he can now focus on those acts, fixate on them, ask me questions, etc.
In other words, it was the right thing to do to tell the details and answer what my BH wanted, but it almost always feels (to me) like it didn't help. Like it creates a movie for him to play over and over. Of course, I also believe that if I didn't tell him, he would wonder, worry, fixate, and then hate me for not answering. I know it's one of the burdens I bear, and hope like hell I could make better.
When BH is angry and starts to talk about the details, invariably he goes to such an angry place that he storms off or gets aggressive. Therefore, I've learned that when he starts to head that way in a fight, I try to change the subject to a prior point in the argument, about moving forward, about being sorry and ashamed. I hope your experience is different.

[This message edited by sadcamper at 11:34 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2012
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Over two years out from my first DD my WH refused to answer a detail question. He thought I was too focused on the details and was not getting better. In reality, I needed to know that he would answer anything I asked; that there was nothing off limits to me. It was the final nail in the coffin. It was still more important to him to keep things private. We are now in the process of divorce.

If you truly want R then be completely open with your answers. The BS feels as if everything has been decided for them. Everything is out of our control. It's very true what is said here. It's the lies, half truths, and omissions that kill the marriage.

ETA:

(((blackkat)))
Just read the result of your telling your BS. I'm so glad that it went well. Yes, telling your BS anything that they want to know helps them feel more in control. Be prepared for more questions or repeat questions. He will want to know that this honesty is not a one time thing, but the way you will be living your live on a daily basis. You had gotten into the habit of lying and protecting yourself. You will need to focus on not falling back into those habits.
Although it did not happen for me, I believe that R and an authentic life is possible after betrayal. You can do this.

[This message edited by fallingquickly at 12:11 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Hi - thank you for the additional feedback - I love the variety of views and experiences here!

I am nearly 3 weeks out of full disclosure in writing - and so far it seems to have moved us to a better place. I am aware that it might not last - in fact is unlikely to last and when he triggers - he now has all the details to focus on.

But, so far - so good... for now its a sigh of relief for us both. This nice lull in the storm of life post-A will hopefully give us strength and energy for the next hurricane!!


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jack317
New Member
Member # 39010
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

My BS wanted details. A lot of details. It will help them heal. Be open and up front about everything. And I do mean everything. This isn't about you anymore. It's about helping your BS to move forward.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

nofool: Fatalistic much? You're generally against R because, what, it's a no-win situation so why bother?

Thats right. Thats the way I see it.
However, I wasn't commenting on whether they should reconcile. I was answering her question. And having been in her husband's shoes, what I thought at the time of my betrayal is more than likely what he is thinking now.

Either she wants to know what a BH might be thinking or she doesn't.
And yes, every BH is different. I'm offering one glimpse into his mind of what he possibly might be thinking because I have been there.

I'm simply saying that details won't matter, and even if it hurts more than it helps, if he asks, she owes him the answers. Thats it.

I don't recall telling her her marriage is going to die. Thats up to him and how he handles it.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:30 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

And having been in her husband's shoes, what I thought at the time of my betrayal is more than likely what he is thinking now.
I don't think any one, even another BS, can possibly assume they know what he's thinking.

blackcat - I'm glad you gave him all the details and that you are both feeling relief.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24434 | Registered: Aug 2011
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 24th (Friday)

yes. which is why I said "more than likely" What one BS felt during their betrayal quite possibly is some or alot of the same things her husband might feel. Not a guarantee, but a possibility.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 11:46 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
noescape
Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

I applaud you bk for following the advise here on SI. I am yet another of those BHs who never got the truth/TT/no details and vague answers .... till I gave up. 3 years out from DDay and nothings changed no matter what we have tried towards R. Nothing will. WW doesn't understand this one bit.

I'm praying for you and your BH. You have finally put your family ahead of yourself - actually ahead of your mind worms. This is the doorway to remorse.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
hurtsobadinside
Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 1st (Sunday)

blackkat

was reading your post from May of this year. How are things now over 3 months later.
I hope better

BS- me 59
WS-her 57
LTA--7 yrs. PA&EA with former boss (maybe 10 yrs.?)
1 Daughter 24 - reformed eating disorder left with excessive OCB
Dday- March 2012
Confrontation day- 6 wks after d-day
Married 25 yrs.
I did contact AP's faithful wife and advised her of everything she cannot thank me enough for that.
Status: in "R" and finally getting a little better but still an uphill struggle.


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Emptyshelldad
Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

yes I too am wondering how things are for you. my wife has yet to do this for me, despite asking regularly and repeatedly......she just doesn't get around to it. very hurtful....I always ask myself why I'm staying when I think about it.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
Topic Posts: 51