User Topic: name calling
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I'm not proud of , but I've called my WW some horrible names.

I'm wondering, is it common? Is there a double standard as to what is ok for a BW saysay to her WH versus WHAT a BH says to WW.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I am a I can only answer for myself. First of all there was no physical anything...EA of sorts. I never called names or the such. He was told how disappointed and shocked I was and he truly knows how much he broke my heart. Not to say there wasn't a whole lot of that going on in my head....just never verbalized it. I gotta tell you much changes about who we used to be, I can honestly see it happening frequently with betrayed spouses of both sexes.

Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Is there a double standard

Hold yourself to a high standard and don't worry about others. It's normal to be angry, but that does not mean you should be disrespectful to your spouse.

Reconciliation is a time for healing and understanding. For emotional intimacy to be re-established, your WW has to feel safe discussing things with you. Once a discussion degrades to name calling, the discussion can only cause further damage to an already severely strained relationship.

Please apologize to your WW for calling her names and let her know you will try to be more respectful in the future.

So sorry for the pain you are going through.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5667 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I think a remorseful WS will accept a certain amount of venting at the beginning but I think it can be incredibly destructive if it is protracted or extreme. Is your wife remorseful?

I don't think I have ever yelled at my WH and called him names but in conversations I have told my WH that he is an adulterer and his behaviour was predatory. Prior to this he had been hurt when I told him he "wasn't a very nice person" - so I knew these comments would hurt him regardless of the accuracy.

Of course there is a double standard - it isn't acceptable to deliberately try to inflict pain with words, just as their behaviour wasn't acceptable. But as the above post says - you want to hold yourself to a higher standard.

I think whatever your usual behaviour is when you are in pain, grief and angry are just going to amplified to the max after finding out about an affair. If you normally cry you will cry to the extreme, if you normally yell you will do it more and it you normally exercise you will mostly likely do even more at the beginning anyway.

Are you in IC? It is important to talk in IC about it to get perspective. Is your WW in IC? Knowing my WS is in IC and is trying to address the behaviours that lead to the affairs is helpful for me.

Venting your feelings using a real punching bag, even hitting a cushion with a picture of OM on it, going for a run or yelling and screaming your pain out at an isolated beach might be alternatives. You are posting in the R forum so I presume want R - get some help if you are worried what you are doing is getting out of control and/or becoming destructive.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 7:04 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I'm a big believer in not name calling. Have I? Sure. The worst things were probably ass or jerk. But I also used very real terms - I called his AP his "girlfriend" and never pulled punches when it came to using the term "fucking her." So descriptive terms? Yes. Nasty names directed at him? Not so much. Just NMS.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6491 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

God help me...I did this. sigh. So not the right thing to out of character for absolutely scary for both of us.

I have done this twice during extreme RAGE about 5 months out. So far I have been able to control myself since.

This was wrong. I will not justify how I got to this level....I should have walked away and cooled down.

I will regret my actions for the rest of my life.

I dont think this is typical for BH...but it does happen.

God be with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3756 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

We are in reconciliation.

I was just thinking about the cliche of when a wife finds her cheating husband, she slaps him and calls him a cheating bastard. Society in general would think this reasonable. Even have compassion for her.

But when i catch my WW and call her a whore....its different.

Not proud of it, just thinking of the double standard.

FWIW we are doing much much better. Feel like we've turned a corner, both in her honesty and my ability to communicate better.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, May 5th (Sunday)

I admit that the name calling started two years ago when I knew about the A. Something changed in me and I find the F word fit in a lot of heated arguments. And I feel that WH deserves it so why not use it. Besides of course calling the AP sl#t. I'm embarrassed to say that I have been doing it almost every time we argue
It's a huge issue to lose respect for your spouse. Respect is a huge thing in a marriage. I've watched my parents grow in an all-love/loveless/affairs/crazy love again marriage and went through a lot, but never did they lose respect by calling each other names or cuss or anything.
I gotta stop the F word it's killing me, I feel low after I use it

BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, May 5th (Sunday)

BW here...Ashamed now to admit, but during the first initial months while in the 'rage stage', I was guilty of this.
So out of character for me too.

One time later at about a year out i can recall, after we had established that we wanted R, I lashed and just couldn't figure why. I immediately felt sick and apologized because I knew that does NOTHING towards R. Completely the opposite. Now a bit more than 2 years out, I haven't felt that anymore.

My gym has punching bags....that really DOES work, especially in early days ! Great way to release anger.

[This message edited by tryin2havefaith at 6:06 AM, May 5th (Sunday)]

DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 5th (Sunday)


Please note the following guideline:

There is no OP namecalling in the Reconciliation forum.

Thank you.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 37751 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I didn't call my FWH any names, not sure why not because I sure felt like saying them. Often. Ok -- edited to add, that for the first few months I was so devastated and so afraid that he would leave, that I wouldn't say anything that I feared might make him leave. After that, I think mostly I quashed my desire to say those names because I knew that if we stayed together they would hang over us.

The worst thing I said was not a name. I told him that I had always thought that he was the most ethical person I knew, but that now I knew he wasn't, that I was better than him and always would be. Very devastating, because he sees being ethical as at the core if his identity. It took him a long time to get over my saying that. Which I sometimes feel bad about. But mostly I just feel right.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 1:19 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 866 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I'm guilty of having called my WH stupid, ungrateful bastard. I am not apologizing for the things I've said and he understands that he deserves to be called names for the horrible things he has done.

Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I've called my H some horrible things, and this was at times of extreme anger, but some of those times were before his A.

I don't think bad behavior is ever "okay" or justified. It is simply bad behavior, and something I recognize I should not do, was not justified to do. But I am human. We all are. I do think that it is possible to actually overanalyze what we do in life,scrutinizing every act or word to determine whether we were "justified" to say or do it.

I recognize I am not a perfect human being and I have made some effort, and still make efforts to be the best person I can be. But I'm still human and one of my weaknesses happens to be my mouth when I get angry.

Posts: 5745 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I called my husband a "f#@king bastard" and he calmly replied "I was a f#@king bastard then. I'm not now". And I agreed.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I'm sorry to say that I've resorted to name calling and inserting the "f word" into just about every affair-related comment to my wife.

This started just about a week ago. For the first 70 days, other than to call my wife "trash" once (and regretting saying it), I avoided name calling. But for some reason a rage like I've never felt before hit me about a week ago, and it's like I'm possessed by an evil spirit.

I didn't know I had this much anger in me. And I've never hit a woman and will not start now (or ever), so my rage finds an outlet in some pretty vile language.

I'm not proud of it at all. I hope IC will help me get a handle on this. The sense of betrayal and loss of respect and trust is so deep right now, it feels at times like I'm on the verge of insanity.

Yakamishi, we should expect better from ourselves, but expecting rational behavior from a person who has been betrayed by a loved one in such a profound way might be too much right now.

Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 6th (Monday)

As you move forward and work at R it really does no one any benefit to call your spouse names. Some days it was all I could do to not do this, but then I would hear my Gma saying "If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything" and I would stop myself.
The other thing was, I felt that when R really was underway I didn't want to do anything to take the control away from me. Meaning, I didn't want to EVER have to apologize for anything, and managed to not name call.

Now I did call the OW lots of not nice things.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8595 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I called my WH every distasteful name I could think of during my crazy raging. I think it gave him another glimpse into the trauma he brought into our lives.

Prior to the A I never, ever used foul language.

At 8 years out, I won't apologize for it, and I don't think WH would expect me to.

The "f" word instantly became a part of my everyday vocabulary.

IMO it's very normal to lash out when your whole world is shattered.

Posts: 7569 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 6th (Monday)

Actually my WH#2 seems to respond better since my last rage. I said some very ugly things to him and threw a coke it his face. Very unlike anything I have ever done before. I had always taken the high road since DDay#1. It seems to have somehow lifted him out of the fog and showed him just how much this A has torn my life apart. I don't think he really realized until then the damage he did to me and our marriage. Now instead of regret, he is starting to show more remorse. Will it last, only time will tell. I did apologize for the coke, but not for what I said and I never will.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I've called them both names,

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 8:57 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I ended a conversation/argument when we were separated by telling him that "You aren't worth the paper I wipe my ass with".

That's the worst I ever said to his face

Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 788 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 6th (Monday)

I think a part of it is intense rage, and another aspect is a desire to let the WS understand the extent of the devastation they have wrought. Sadly, when that happens, appropriate words sometimes fail us and some pretty ugly French spills out.

Infidelity is an ugly thing that demeans all involved. The trick for the BS is not to be dragged deeper into the muck. Easier said than done.

Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 6th (Monday)

This is an interesting one. I can't think of any specific names I called my WH after discovery. However, the "F-word" became a very common adjective and verb.

What I really, really have to watch out for is sarcasm. It is my defense mechanism and, trust me, I can make completely G rated sarcastic comments that can cut to the bone.

I am at least to the point where I recognize I'm leaning to the sarcasm and apologize because I know it doesn't help. Like Sal1995 said, easier said than done.

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 6th (Monday)

Ummmm, yeah. I had a pretty foul mouth. Not good or productive. But oh so hard to control.

My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 6th (Monday)

What I really, really have to watch out for is sarcasm. It is my defense mechanism and, trust me, I can make completely G rated sarcastic comments that can cut to the bone.

This is 100% my issue as well. I can keep it completely kid-friendly, while taking aim at someone's self-esteem and hitting the rapid-fire button.

As far as avoiding name-calling, we've always managed to do that, more or less, but sometimes it's a real struggle to stay respectful after someone has shown a complete and utter lack of respect for you with their actions, you know? It only makes it harder when the person asking/telling you to be respectful is the one who did it to you.

One really weird thing that has worked for me? I call my cats the names that spring to my brain. I don't hit them or anything crazy, but if the cat's bugging me, or in the way...I'll be like "Move, whore." "Get out of here, slut." I have yet to decide whether this is healthy or not.

I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 6th (Monday)

I'll be like "Move, whore." "Get out of here, slut." I have yet to decide whether this is healthy or not.

If it helps you and you're not abusing the poor animal, I tend to think that it's healthy. I had a cat once who was a bit of a slut, maybe you have one like her. Besides, cats don't care what you say anyway.

Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 6th (Monday)

My husband has said some nasty things to me. He apologized but you cannot take them back once said. He said they were just words, but he has no idea how much they hurt.

Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 6th (Monday)

If it helps you and you're not abusing the poor animal, I tend to think that it's healthy. I had a cat once who was a bit of a slut, maybe you have one like her.

Lol. Well, she DID just have kittens. But no, I'm not hitting or even yelling at the cat. Just calling it names.

Besides, cats don't care what you say anyway.

And also, if I ever die suddenly in the middle of my apartment, my cats will surely have no qualms about eating my face. None.

I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Yep did the name calling over here. My WH is a doozy. He was unremorseful until 5 months ago so I have said more colorful things to WH this past year than I have in my entire lifetime. I know he can't unhear them and I have to be honest I'm notsure I care given what he has put me through.

I don't name call anymore because I don't like how it makes me feel. I still call the MOW names when talking about her with WH.

My sarcasm is deadly though and it creates a lot of fights. I have been working on that part lately.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:12 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 5:44 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)


There is no OP namecalling in the Reconciliation forum. Please reread the forum description.

Thank you.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 37751 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I'm a big name-caller definitely not proud of it.

Sometimes I surprise myself with the horrible sentences of rage I direct towards my wife. I'm working super hard to calm it down and bite my tongue.

I have had a few successes and I find it really helps getting over the particular argument- name calling seems to drag it out and take it deeper and deeper. I feel sad- she feels worse- no winner.

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

My WH calls himself names. The other day called himself the asshole, bastard for inflecting me so much pain. I've called him LIAR, con.

Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

There is a difference between name calling and using descriptive nouns. It is not name calling if you use the word correctly. If the shoe fits...

BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2599 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Count me in too. I called my FWH all kinds of names after DD. I called him a coward, a liar, a cheater, an adulterer, a bastard, and some french words too. The f word became part of my vocabulary overnight. I could have made a sailor blush and it infuriated my FWH. I was never one to talk trash or cuss and suddenly he was being bombarded with nasty names and curse words during arguments about his A. He said I was acting beneath myself and I disgusted him when I used certain words. I told him that it was his fault for traumatizing me and that my hurt and anger were seeking an outlet. He said my behavior change was all on me and not him.

The MC explained to us about how chemicals were being released in my brain due to the trauma and overloading it and shutting down the rational side and the emotional side was in charge. I forget all the medical terms he used but bottom line is that it is involuntary. It took a while but I got control of myself and was able to change back to my normal self. Sometimes it still comes out but only when I post on SI. Things trigger me and I use bad words in my posts especially if I have had a glass of wine or two. That pretty much loosens my tongue. Not ladylike or becoming of me. I hope it all goes away completely one day. I no longer call my FWH names or curse when we have a spat now. We don't have those bad arguments anymore like we use to. I am sure moving helped as a lot of the triggers are gone.

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Im an introvert shy at heart, quiet by nature I often measure my words so I dont hurt someone unintentionally cursing just isnt part of my everyday vocabulary. My H used to complain sometimes that I was *too* quiet. Well after DDay Im sure he was wishing Id be quiet again!

After DDay I was angry, hurt, etc. But the epithets and vile words started after broken NCs once I got started, I couldnt seem to stop. Words and phrases came out of my mouth which would have made a sailor blush. Even *I* didnt know where those words came from- I called him every low down word I could think of- used every disgusting word and phrase I could conjure up to describe his affair and the things hed done with her. I wanted to use ugly words to describe the ugly things they did. In the moment - it felt WONDERFUL.

But of course, Id feel bad afterwards I never once apologized to him and I never will but I found out what I didnt like and that was ME I didnt like who I was becoming and I discovered that all the cursing and name-calling wasnt getting us anywhere and really, it had become a habit with me one I stopped. When I would feel that rage of name-calling and insulting coming on internally I would tell myself in a split second, dont go there. And really, after a few times, it worked.

My H also was always so proud of his ethics and integrity. I think thats what hit him the hardest when I calmly told him he had no integrity and Id lost all respect for him and *he* changed how I would forever feel about him. Actually I soon discovered that when I was raging and screaming, sure he was upset and hurt but he really *heard* me when I was clam and matter-of-fact.

Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Ooops sorry didn't realize I name called on the name calling thread

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:11 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

UGH! *SO* guilty of this. I have had some major sailor mouth years in my life and I had gotten so much since for years before Dday. Since, it appears all bets are off :-( I was just apologizing to WH today about this. RAGE is here like a mad disease and I WENT OFF on the way to IC via text with a new memory. Promptly swore like a sailor at IC. It sucks. I don't want to be like this.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 38075
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Yes! I just blew up at my WH last night after a trigger hit me, I tried to explain my emotions and he just dismissed them and I lost it!
This is so out of character for me and I feel so ashamed after I call him names! I beat myself up for days after a blowup but I'm trying to work on my anger.

BS(me) 31
WS (him) 37
Married 5/5/12
2 children ( both his from previous M )
D DAY 12/30/12
Not sure if we can R

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Sure, I have name called. The sad part is that just calling the behavior by the appropriate name makes my WH think that it is the same thing. I am not particularly shame driven and don't have guilt over the name calling. If I said these things to someone that didn't have disgusting behavior, sure I would feel guilt. Calling a spade a spade isn't abusive, in my book.

DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 38788
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Wayward husband here. I've been called a lot of things, I've been told to look forward to explaining to my daughter why she should never be with someone like me, and that I will hopefully burn in hell, alone. I do my best to take it in stride, to recognize the anger as an expression of the hurt that I have caused. I know it's my fault, I know it's an outlet of emotion and not really what she believes, but it stings...and not in a way that affects the way I feel about her, it really is most difficult because of how it affects the way I feel about myself. I hate myself. Hate what I've done, hate how I've acted, hate that I deserve to hear all those things and worse. It's part of what makes it feel impossible that I will ever reach the point that I forgive myself (though my wife has said she has forgiven me). She often speaks of the importance of forgiving myself...but I'm not sure she understands the obstacle presented by hearing those things.

I hope very much this doesn't come across as trying to sound worthy of pity, I promise it's not that, just trying to share my experience of being on the receiving end of the well deserved anger and the ways in which it has impacted me on this journey.

Me - 34 - Wayward
Her - 37 - Betrayed (smittennomore)
Two kids
D-Day: 12.19.12

2 Year Physical & Emotional Affair (Co-Worker)

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I was called a bitch, a whore, a slut. I was cursed and at one point his face was inches from mine while he was yelling. In return I've yelled and raged and I called him an asshole twice. I immediately apologized after doing so and told him I do not want to insult him. He never apologized and I never expected him to. I thought it was expected but those memories stand out for me and sear me when I think about them.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2755 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Yes I called main ow a lot of names when I confronted her.

I occasionally call wh a name, the worst part is I do it so casually . This happens when he acts all high and mighty with a lot of morals

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I don't think I ever felt an instant of guilt for anything I said or names flung during the healing process.

I don't even understand describing the venting process in terms of guilt or feeling guilty...but then again, I also don't believe in "gentleman's rules" in the practice of war, either. When you're being attacked, you either fight to win, or you don't bother showing up on the battlefield at all.

Now, unless you're having another D-day or something, if you're still fighting down and dirty 18 months into the process, then you probably need to take a look at your resentment stack and healing curve, but anything prior to that isn't something I'd freak out about unless it was like 3 hours a day/7 days a week of screaming that your wife is a whore. That's probably a bit on the extreme side.

I don't think I actually called my wife a name fore than half a dozen times during our recovery, but at least one of those was in the "stupid c***" category, so they probably count double or something.

And this, yes:

There is a difference between name calling and using descriptive nouns. It is not name calling if you use the word correctly. If the shoe fits...

If someone does ugly, graphic, vulgar things, then having those things described in ugly, graphic, vulgar terms should not come as a shock to them. If it does, they need to get their eyeball off their colon and start breathing the fresh air with the rest of us.

I'm all for treating one's spouse with respect, both in speech and action. But I also abhor double standards and don't mind getting down in the mud and slugging it out if one side decides to start fighting dirty (like, you know, having an affair and trying to justify it). You want to play the disrespectful game, I will eat your fucking lunch. I'll eat it, take your lunch money, then shit in back in your toilet.

I understand that our culture has moved toward the "be the bigger person", "de-escalate the tension", and "promote mutual respect through leadership" end of the spectrum. That's cool as a cultural theme (though I imagine your average Afghani or Iraqi citizen's eyes would bug out from that characterization of our placid American society), but starts to look a whole fuck of a lot like just being a doormat in a one-on-one situation.

How did Riddick put it? "You keep what you kill." Not sure that's a bad model...or any worse of a model.

You know what worked much better for me than the occasional explosion of anger and name-calling, though? Detachment.

Detach and ignore.

Detach and ignore means I don't even given enough of a shit about you to *be* angry. Or it can mean that I don't really expect anything better from a cheap little such-and-such like you, so I guess I really shouldn't be surprised.

What do we say the best technique is for dealing with OP's who won't let go?

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Works with WS's, too. You're talking about folks who have gotten used to getting double the daily recommended allowance of ego kibbles for the entire duration of their affair. You try going from a double portion to a fraction of a fraction of a portion in no time flat -- not only the loss of positive attention, but *any* attention, even raging attention, which also makes you the star of the movie of your own life -- is pretty fucking brutal. Especially for people with low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy in the first place.

Good weapon, and you don't have to lower yourself into things like vulgar speech.

Or maybe I just spent entirely too much time thinking about the tools of the anger trade.

Then again, I'm also the guy who realized about three months after joining SI that if I paid attention to the thoughts, weaknesses, whys and struggles on the WS forum, they were practically giving me the blueprints to fight dirty. The set of typical weaknesses and vulnerabilities to attack turned out to be pretty small. Then I just had to spend some time analyzing my wife's affair and figure out what it was that she was getting from OM -- because that was the neediest of emotional needs and insecurities -- and consciously avoid giving that. Maybe even treat that thing with a bit of derision.

Then you don't even have to fight. You just identify the weak spots and exploit them until you've filled your bag with your pound, pound-and-a-half, whatever of flesh.

But maybe I'm the only one who thought about this kind of stuff. It happens. I'm probably the only person who read The Art of War as a relationship textbook, too. But I'm a "level playing field" sort of guy when it comes to things like respect and inter-personal relationships. This is also why the RA is not a good technique. Why? Because part of the disrespect and hurt of an affair is that one's spouse has done something to you that is *unconscionable*. That's what you can't wrap your head around.

Having an affair back is...well, conscionable for your spouse. It's on their radar as a likely consequence, an ambush part of them is expecting.

You want to level the playing field, you need to figure out what is unconscionable for them and exploit that. If you pay attention and know your spouse very well at all, you can probably come up with half a dozen things like that. For my wife, one of those things was changing the beneficiaries on all of my life insurance policies so that she would get nothing in the event of my death.

I knew this because my wife's affair was rooted in the fact that I'd just come out of a period of deathly illness, and she was -- likely on a subconscious level -- trying to ensure her future security by lining up a new family in the event that I died. OM was her backup husband. I also knew that she'd spent her formative years watching her father eventually succumb to cancer. My illness triggered all of those fears of death and abandonment and not having anyone to take care of you or shield you from the world.

Which made changing the life insurance thing the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb -- a very clear message that "I don't care what becomes of you once I'm out of the picture."

Sort of puts some hand-wringing over name calling in perspective.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 7:36 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6747 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Geez, I'm a jerk. lol. But, I'm working on it. It's been a week since I've yelled at him. I'm trying to replace all the hate with love from now on. Also, we have two little guys looking up at us, watching us.

I'm digging deep for all the love I have and save the hate/anger for MC.

I used the eff word for everything and would constantly ask how when he effed them. I'm over it now. My biggest bash was calling HIM a Wh***.

I know no name calling on this board, but the title IS "name calling."

To SI monitors, we're not bashing, just talking about bashing...

Wow, wincing at light. I saw the smashbook... "tools of the anger trade" really struck me.

This was an excellent exercise post for us all, I'm sure. Thanks, Yakamishi.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 5:33 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 35085
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Sure I've called WH many names, and OW as well, when the rage hit boiling point and resulted in arguments. Also have no qualms about using the F-words and such aplenty. And no, I am not sorry and will NOT apologize for it. I told him like it is, from my POV, and made it very clear that all that was the result of HIS actions.

Married 21

This was not how it was supposed to end.

Posts: 338 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 9th (Thursday)


Sweet baby Jeebus. That one got printed and put on the office wall.

I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Yakamishi, If the best way through your anger that you can think of is to call your WS names, well, being called names by one's partner seems like a very unsurprising consequence for cheating.

If you've called your W names continuously since 2008, you've probably got a problem. If you're referring to the period after your 9/22/12 D-Day, I can definitely see a new rage stage just about now, compounded by being the umpteenth D-Day. So maybe you've got a problem, but maybe not, and I think 'maybe not' is more likely.

I absolutely reject double standards.

I called my W names a number of times, and I certainly said a lot of things that I knew would hurt her (they hurt me, too, thinking/knowing they were accurate), but I went through a lot of therapy years before D-Day, and that taught me the most effective way through pain is thinking and talking in terms like, 'I'm furious that/about....'

Don't get me wrong - I wasn't trying to be a bigger person; I just wanted to process my anger the best way I knew how. I could say I was trying to 'de-escalate' tension. It's just that in the post-D-Day sitch, the best way to reduce tension was to process my anger, and the best way to do that, for the long term good of our relationship, was to let my W know I was furious. Yeah, tension went up for a few months - but releasing anger during those months helped me choose R, and it helped R progress, too.

It's probably better to call your WS names than to swallow your anger. It's definitely better to shout, 'I'm angry that...' or 'I'm angry at...' or 'I'm angry about...' than to call names.

Responding to w_a_l -

I've read Stephen Leacock and Stephen Potter on gamesmanship, and I think that marriage is a relationship for which gamesmanship is out and authenticity is in.

You're a pretty astute observer, and you make a lot of sense, and you've certainly helped me, but...

Did you detach in order to win a game with your W, or did you do it for your own reasons. Did you name other beneficiaries to beat your W up or to meet your own need and desire?

In other words, did you R by acting 'against your WS' or 'for yourself'?

IMO, I've recovered (to the extent I've recovered) by doing things that benefit me, even if they benefit my W, too, and even when I was angry at her. If I needed to do things that hurt her, I did them, but I didn't go out of my way to hurt her.

What are you advocating? (I'm not arguing (yet ) - I'm still trying to get a good understanding of your approach.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

i've called him a coward twice, he called me a fucking bitch the day i told him the truth. the coward thing really hurt him, the fucking bitch thing - well, i thought I'd get much worse...
we don't go there anymore.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5053 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, May 10th (Friday)

In other words, did you R by acting 'against your WS' or 'for yourself'?

IMO, I've recovered (to the extent I've recovered) by doing things that benefit me, even if they benefit my W, too, and even when I was angry at her. If I needed to do things that hurt her, I did them, but I didn't go out of my way to hurt her.

What are you advocating? (I'm not arguing (yet ) - I'm still trying to get a good understanding of your approach.

These are excellent questions, sisoon.

Taken in order:

1. A little bit of both. Some things were just to twist the knife and felt immensely empowering, so became "for myself". The more that time passed, it was definitely a standard curve toward "for myself", because I just wasn't much interested in acting "against" her. It's worth noting that things like changing the beneficiary weren't initially about hurting my wife at all -- they were more in the vein of self-protection (i.e., "There's no way she's going to get rich if I die. Let her beg my brother for the money if she wants it." Note: I picked my brother because he knew about the A and would manage the trust for my kids responsibly. So I was making sure they were provided for...just not *her*, at least to the extent that I could prevent it.)

There were times I intentionally went out of my way to hurt her and to flaunt my disregard. More often, it was my personal favorite, which is simply *not* offering support or regard. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Indifference to your spouse's struggles, sufferings, misery, progress, etc., is a powerful tool.

(It can be fairly argued that intentionally withholding support isn't really indifference, because it *is* intentional. Doesn't matter when you're the only one who knows it's intentional.)

2. What am I advocating? Nothing. I can't say I'd strongly recommend the path that worked for us. It's more of a gamble than most people are comfortable with. If you're the sort of person who would be haunted by someone else blowing their head off when you might have said or done something kind that would have stopped them, then this sort of gamble probably isn't for you. It is admittedly punitive on some levels, and some people are uncomfortable with that.

The whole point, really, is that I think BS's should give themselves a break about a bit of name-calling. I see the argument frequently about broken people feeling kicked while they're down and trying to put themselves back together, therefore harsh language has no place in a mutually supportive recovery atmosphere.

It just doesn't resonate with me. "Can't you see I feel bad enough already?" is not a sufficient indicator to me that anybody's learned anything. It just means you're miserable and want the bad feelings to stop.

FWIW, I think the way I handled things is much more appropriate if your spouse keeps acting like an idiot and doesn't seem to be particularly ambitious about making progress, but you're not quite ready (for whatever reason) to give the marriage up as lost yet.

Oh, and if you've got one of those WS's who wants to pine, grieve, and talk about their pain from not seeing the OP anymore or whatever, I'd recommend it then, too. But that's just because I believe that sort of behavior is cruel and more than a bit fucking stupid. Do you *really* want your spouse to understand how much you miss another person's genitals and warm sexual feelings?

Because they will. And they'll remember. And neither you nor the marriage will never again matter to them as much or mean as much as an exclusive, intimate relationship as they once did.

Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6747 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 10th (Friday)

My WH said some pretty awful things to me during his affair. But quite honestly, I hardly remember any of it. I only remember his actions:(

So don't beat yourself up!

I did make gyrating motions with my hips when I talked about him pounding the OW. He did not take to this well but for some reason it felt fucking great to do it! Don't be afraid to "break the rules" b/c the rules as you once knew them have all changed.

[This message edited by so_lost at 1:26 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I didn't call my WW any names or label her at any point. I thought them sure, but I just couldn't bring myself to say them. I'm not comfortable doing it either. Partly because my WW is a master at poisonous hurtful words. I'd no doubt get into a never ending back and forth with her that would only leave me feeling like crap afterwards.

Some people need to do that I suppose. To each his own in situations involving infidelity.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 50