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Just Found Out
User Topic: Conflicted
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

And stupid. After I posted last night, he came and talked to me. I told him again how I felt and why I believed he was cheating. He pleaded with me to believe that he did not cheat. He admitted that the texts and relationship were not right and he admitted that he liked the attention. But he said he was not interested. He loves me. He admitted that not everyone knows about me, but a lot of people do know about me. He said he doesn't deny that I exist, I just never came up in conversation. I told him this bs, when this woman started hitting on him, instead of reciprocating, he should have addressed the boundary and told her then that he has a girlfriend...practically a wife, a home.

I'm conflicted bc I feel like he owned some of his actions. He admitted that some don't know about me. Admitted what was wrong and why. Admitted he enjoyed he attention. And admitted that it was wrong. He keeps telling me he loves me. He doesn't want to lose me. I'm not saying I'm staying, but I'm not saying I'm going either. I have an IC appointment on Friday. For now, I'm in limbo. Still distant and just shut down. I don't know that I'll ever be able to open up to him again if I did decide to stay....


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

I know this is tough. I wish I had something more concrete to offer. At the very least it was an EA and he did more than not tell her about you - I remember her mentioning visitation with his daughter in one of her texts - that means he intentionally mislead her, telling her in some form that he was separated - for what reason?

I know this is tough - sometimes our hope to keep what we love alive leads us to ignore the facts. I'm not saying run, I'm not saying stay...but analyze the shit out of everything you know and everything he says to find the truth. And simply owning "some" of his shit is no good. He's got to come completely clean - almost surrender himself and give up protecting himself. Good luck - keep posting, we're here for you - infidelity really screws with your sanity...(((foolme1)))


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

He's just a liar. Plain and simple. I asked him if he told the ow that he had a girlfriend. He told me he hasn't talked to her yet. So I check phone records. She texted him 3 times today. He responded once. Hell, why wait for her to text him to tell her he's in a relationship and he realizes he crossed a boundary and to leave him alone now.

I've lost control. Of me. Of my life. Of my wants. I want control of my life back. I'm going to try to remain calm until Friday, my IC appointment. I'm so upset I could just cry. Why do we believe them??? I'm so ready to just kick his ass to the curb.

Friday can't get here soon enough...


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
UntilThen
Member
Member # 16954
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

I'm just wondering why you haven't simply demanded No Contact. He needs to send OW a NC letter telling her that you not only exist but that he is committed to you and his relationship with you. No need to wait for an IC appointment .. It's pretty simple -- he's with you or he's not.

You need to take control over your life ... You CAN take control over your life.


Posts: 74 | Registered: Nov 2007
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

Up until last night, I didn't care about NC as I was done. Then idk what happened. I hesitated in ending it because of word. Just words. No action. So tonight, I told him he needs to tell her about me and he needs to tell her no more tutoring (I thought she was a tutor with him too, but he tutors her apparently). That's when he said he hadn't talked to her yet and then I found the call log. I am going to type up EVERYTHING that he needs to meet in order to convince me to stay and work on this TOGETHER. Honestly, I've got one foot out the door. My mind may be cloudy right now, but I'm aware enough to know that I deserve better.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, May 6th (Monday)

(((Foolme1))). May you find the strength to do what you need to do. From your previous posts it's not his first time doing this. I would seriously weigh my options if I were you. Either he gets right or he gets out!

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 12:32 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, May 6th (Monday)

It doesn't sound to me like it will get any easier for him to stay faithful. He already has not been true to you. He will keep working around a lot of people who will give him more opportunities.

He needs to meet all your requirements and keep firm boundaries if he is to be successful in being true to you.

The second time is a huge problem. Repeat behavior, not telling people about you, little remorse.

Take good care of you. Get tested for STDs. Make him do it too and show you his results.

You have time to decide.

Hugs.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 6th (Monday)

(((Fool))))

It sounds like the words that he chose that have made you question staying were chosen by him, for him.

He isn't sorry for what he has done, he is sorry he got caught. His words are an attempt at damage control.

We say often on here "Actions speak louder than words". If he were serious about righting this wrong, he would have ON HIS OWN, ended any communication with her. He would tell her that he has crossed a line he should not have.
But instead he is giving excuses as to why he can't tell her this.

I know this is a very painful time. It is very hard to find your strength when the person that is supposed to be your soft place to fall ends up being a huge chunk of granite.

Keep posting, making a list of R requirements is good, this helps you to get your thoughts in order.

(((((and strength )))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 6th (Monday)

Thank you everyone for your responses. Sometimes it sucks to here that your gut feelings are right, when you want to hear someone say "chill, you are over-reacting". But, I know that this is what I need to hear. I am only 30, I am still young and eventually, will get to the place where I am able to offer a worthy man my love. I will take your advice too, tushnurse, and make my list of R. That will be the test, if he is willing and takes the actions to show me he is serious.

My anxiety has started for the day already. This sucks. I will try to focus on my job and not let him ruin my day...


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 9