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User Topic: oh fuck... when does it end
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Shocked  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 6th (Monday)

When do I get a break


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, May 6th (Monday)

(((SSM)))


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, May 6th (Monday)

(((ssm)))

Hang in there sweetie, good and bad things come in waves.


Posts: 3339 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 6th (Monday)

This is bad


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
weeping willow
Member
Member # 22800
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 6th (Monday)

((((SSM))))

I'm praying that things will be better for you very soon.


BW - me FWH - him
D Day - July 26, 2007
Married 36 years


Posts: 1793 | Registered: Feb 2009
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 6th (Monday)

SSM... Talk to us if you can...

What's happened?


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 6th (Monday)

(((ssm)))

Lean on us. We are here for you. Sending you strength and hope.


Posts: 34670 | Registered: Mar 2011
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 6th (Monday)

((Ssm))

You're in my thoughts. Take a deep breath.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7541 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, May 6th (Monday)

(((((ssm))))) Holding you in my thoughts, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24999 | Registered: Aug 2011
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 6th (Monday)

((SSM)) I don't know what's going on, and am hoping you can share if you are able so that we can better support you, but in the mean time, huge hugs, for you and yours and I'll add you to my prayer list. I hope whatever is going on can have a workable solution for you.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 6th (Monday)

((((((((((ssm)))))))))))
Talk to us when you're ready. We're here.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44392 | Registered: Sep 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 6th (Monday)

My daughter. It started with our NC beach vaca last summer.

It's been a rough time. Thought we had gotten through the worst and things were on the upswing. They were... for almost six months.

Today, that all changed. She is gone from my home, and will remain so. Tough love is.... tough. Lots of pain and fear. Uncertainty... and idk... confusion. I just wish she didn't make the choice she did. Or even knowing it was much of a choice. I love her more than my life and I can't fix this for her. It's a horrible feeling


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 6th (Monday)

((((((((SSM)))))))))

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard that is and I know it's not something you wanted to do
I hope whatever it is isn't too serious to recover from and she learns from it



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44392 | Registered: Sep 2006
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 6th (Monday)

(((((((((SSM)))))))))

Posts: 11599 | Registered: Mar 2008
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, May 6th (Monday)

((((((((ssm))))))))

Posts: 34670 | Registered: Mar 2011
Ripley123
Member
Member # 25277
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 6th (Monday)

I am so sorry. My daughter went thru a rough patch years ago but we survived it. I am sending you hugs, strength and prayers and feeling in my heart you will have a happy ending...


So let's roll the dice, one more time
Take a chance on love again tonight
Risk it all, lay it on the line
Let the skeletons fight for life
Tonight, hold on tight, as we collide -kid rock


Posts: 1680 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: The land of OZ
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

(((((ssm)))))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37243 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

(((((SSM)))))


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197237 | Registered: May 2002
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

((SSM)) There is no bigger heartbreak than mamma heartbreak.

I hear your heart breaking mamma.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Hugs, SSM.

We're here for you.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I have been there also with my daughter and the tough love. My mom also did it to me. I feel your pain and there is no pain like that when it comes to your children. I made my mistakes as a parent but one that I will not regret is the tough love. She had to learn on her own about her choices. Stay strong, let her know you love her with all your might and this is for her own good. One day, she will look back and thank you. Big hugs...


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Thanks. I'm just at a complete loss... definitely hurting but it's not about me. I made clear stipulations months ago, we had an agreement in writing... and I have to follow through. I really hoped that yesterday wouldn't happen, but it did.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Yes, you have to follow through. Boundaries and enacting consequences are tough. But choices being consequences. This will be a tough lesson, but a necessary one.

Hang in there--they do become human again. Just experienced that with my youngest. Finally!

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

(((SSM)))


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

(((SSM)))

Going through some of this (long over-due tough love) with an adult child...

It's killing me too.

I understand and hope she finds her way.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
redvixen
Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

((((ssm)))))


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Sending you strength and comfort, ssm. You are doing the right thing, as excruciating as it is.

(((((ssm)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24999 | Registered: Aug 2011
TrulyReconciled
Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

She will grow, and learn, and be back.

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 12:05 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21040 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I understand completely SSM ! I had to tough love my SS34 when he was 19. Yes he had to move because he crossed my boundaries.

It's so difficult but he did come back to really talk about it after a few years and with a different mature attitude. We are very close, he is now a parent and sees things so differently. I did OK as a Mom.
Hang in there and know it might be awhile before she sees the light.
Big Mom Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20364 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

((((ssm))))) sorry you are going through this. Our love for our kids can bring us a tremendous amount of joy and pain at different points in time. Hope things resolve in the near future.

hugs again.


Me: 41
Two boys: 17 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25509 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
cryingdaily
Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Our kids can tear our hearts out on a whim.

Just stay strong. I don't know what happened but I know you are doing the right thing.

(((SSM)))


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14398 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I did reach out to her today to let her know that i am not angry (never yelled yesterday, just spoke calmly and in facts). I told her i love her very much and am here as support for all the good decisions she makes.

In return, i got a guilt trip. No surprise. She is doing what she knows to do, and what works... the easy fix so she doesn't have to do the hard work.

Don't get me wrong. I feel awful. She is hurting and she's scared. I hate... HATE knowing that and I can undo it ... but I can't. I am looking at the bigger picture and even though it feels shitty and others look at me as unfeeling, i know i am doing the right thing.

It's drugs. Pills. Opiates. We went through outpatient, then inpatien, then lots of stipulations to avoid halfway house. After 6i months, she blew it. Went through a breakup, and used. I caught her immediately.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Oh SHIT SSM ! I'm so sorry she is down the drug path. Yes you have to let them fall so they will do it for themselves.
Big Mom Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20364 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
AimfortheHeart
New Member
Member # 37195
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I've been there SSM. Hold on, you are doing the right thing.
Had to send my son away when he was a teenager - drugs, alcohol, you name it. I almost waited too long, trying to "help" him. The day he left he said "I will NEVER forgive you."
Eight months later he sent me a Valentine's card saying "Thank you for saving my life when I wouldn't do it for myself." But in fact he did do it for himself. I truly hope your daughter does as well.
(((SSM)


Me - BS 63
Him - SAWH 61
D-day #1 8/22/12
D-day #2 11/3/13
D-day #3 12/15/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2012
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

((SSM))

I am so sorry!! You are doing the right thing. She has to understand that no matter what happens she has to stay sober. There are no excuses.

Your boundaries are not unreasonable and won't mean anything if you don't enforce them.

I am so so sorry!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Last year at the beach when I had to make her leave our vacation house, she called her father, and he told me what a horrible mother I was for doing that, etc...

Later he realized the gravity of it, and we both learned a lot through the meetings and classes for family. We even took our 16 yr old son, and made him sit through a 4 hour class.

This time, I called him right away. I told him in advance of me testing her what I suspected, and why. I also explained how I would have to follow through on the written agreement we have. He was totally on board.

He talked to her Monday night, and we talked again yesterday. He's changed his tune. Now he is on the fence, saying that he respects my decision since it's my house, etc... but that "it was only one time, and she was upset about the breakup, and she made a mistake... but was doing so well for 6 months, has nowhere to go, now will be worse off and more tempted if she is crashing at friends houses, harder for her to work and do well..." etc... etc... (these are all the things she is saying - to me too)

I GET all that. I think it might be harder for her too. I feel TERRIBLE - I had terrible dreams last night - one where she called me and I ignored the call... I actually woke up at like 4 AM and grabbed my phone, and was totally confused when there was no missed call from her. I really thought it had actually happened.

As I told her yesterday, I hope this "mistake" and set back becomes the catalyst for her to really get serious and change her life. Since December, she has only saved up $600, and $300 is a tax refund. She is only working around 18 hours a week, hasn't done anything to get back in school, and when I get on her, she always has excuses. She has no car is the big one. I guess when mom is paying all your bills, why be motivated.

This is going to be make or break for her, because I am sticking to it. She is not coming back to live with me. It scares the shit out of me, and I have a lot of guilt, but I really feel that I'm doing the right thing.

I have reminded her that I'm not angry, and that I love her and am here to support all the good decisions she makes. She said I'm obviously not, and I told her that I am - even if it isn't the type of support she wants (not financial and safety of home)


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
cryingdaily
Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

"it was only one time, and she was upset about the breakup, and she made a mistake... but was doing so well for 6 months, has nowhere to go, now will be worse off and more tempted if she is crashing at friends houses, harder for her to work and do well..." etc... etc...

No...."only one time" this time, then the next time it will be "only one time". When addiction is involved there is no such thing as "only one time". I'm just trying to reinforce what you already know. Stay strong.

You had a contract, she broke it. She knew the consequences. Breakups are hard but there are a lot of hard things she will need to go through in life. She needs to learn to cope with hard things without using. Again, you know this.

Ugh, it's so hard when you love someone so much.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14398 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

(((((ssm)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24999 | Registered: Aug 2011
feelsgaslighted
Member
Member # 19290
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

She is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. She knew the consequences and did it anyway. She needs to learn to cope with life, it's up to her. You are doing the right thing even though it hurts, ((hugs))!


Not all who wander are aimless. Especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image.
Betty Warren- Mona Lisa Smile

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: South
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

((((ssm))))

Posts: 34670 | Registered: Mar 2011
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

SSM -- you will have a PM in about 2min

Have you talked to her father about contacting one of the treatment facilities she's been to or an addiction counselor. You're 100% doing the right thing. Maybe they can help him understand? It would be good to have him 100% on board.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

He's just more easily manipulated by our kids. Bunt and I went to visit my DS16 a couple weeks ago. We went to his game, then got subs and went to a park. Bunt was running around and me and DS were talking, and he said ex's GF says "you are too much of a pushover with him" and we were joking at how "easy" dad is...

His opinion definitely is important, in that I don't want him encouraging her in that line of thinking. She met her grandmother (his mom) for dinner last night, so who knows what advice she's being given.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Please stick to your guns ssm!!!!

My exH was an opiate addict from his teenage years until ... well, until now of course. His parents "helped" him over and over and it ruined him!

Take a stand now and she has a chance. A number of years of mom and dad bailing her out and giving her "one more chance" is a huge mistake!!! Your exH needs to learn this and as quickly as possible.

The patterns get established now and she learns quickly how easily various parties are to manipulate. You all need to stick together.

Good luck!


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Totally behind you on this.

I equate this to my Wxh's affair....he said that it was only one time, but it wasn't.

Like all addicts, they will tell you what you want to hear.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7541 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

This is going to be make or break for her, because I am sticking to it. She is not coming back to live with me. It scares the shit out of me, and I have a lot of guilt, but I really feel that I'm doing the right thing.

Thank you, I have been wanting to cave lately, not wanting to but feeling completely over-whelmed with his being "kicked out"

He is spiraling and I needed to hear what you said.

I am afraid too...hang in there. (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
teach5
Member
Member # 18445
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I admire you for doing the hard thing, but one that may ultimately save her life. I will keep yprayers.ou all in my

Posts: 416 | Registered: Mar 2008
teach5
Member
Member # 18445
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I have no idea how to edit-sorry for the typos!

Posts: 416 | Registered: Mar 2008
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

((((((SSM))))))

Feb 2012 Threw my alcoholic son out. Hardest thing I have ever done. This is the short story.
He checked into rehab, he's been sober since. He hasn't quite gotten back on his feet, but he is looking, sounding and generally better than he has been for many years.

Prayers that your DD will find her way, too.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3435 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ImNellNow
Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

(((SSM)))
You are my hero today, for taking the hardest road there is to save your daughter.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

((SSM)) The guilt you feel and the words she is saying are all her addiction. Not her.

Her addiction is manipulating you too.

My heart is breaking with yours. I hope this is the catalyst for reach change in her.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I have heard from her a little bit, but I think she's still in denial/my fault mode. I did see something she posted on FB at 1:00 AM. Seemed to be words of a partying girl, but who knows. I didn't comment.

I plan to invite her for Mother's Day. I am hoping DS16 comes down, and plan to just grill out and spend time with the kids. Hopefully she'll come.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

((ssm)) Hugs to you!!!!

You know in your heart you are doing the right thing - with "tough love", but it really isn't tough love, it is a "life lesson". She has a contract with you, she broke it. Actions meet consequences.

I pray that this is what she needs to realize that her life is going down the toilet. No school, little work, drugs. She needs the motivation that this "tough love" may give her. She won't be able to couch hop too long.

This may have been "one slip", but who knows. It is the first you caught it. She needs to learn to cope with hardships in life - a break up, death, etc. There is always heartbreak, but turning to drugs is not the answer. We all know that. She just isn't there yet.

She has a Dad let him take her in.

You are doing the right thing as hard as it is on you, YOU R RIGHT!

This may be (hopefully) a blessing in disguise.

Peace to you!


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4472 | Registered: Nov 2007
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 10th (Friday)

She has unfriended both me and her dad on FB. Not a good sign. We both also text her yesterday and haven't heard a word back.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
amitheow
Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Passive agressive.


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5083 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's extremely hard.
T/j to give you some hope beyond today:
I have a dual addict son (opiates and alcohol) that is approaching three years sober. Very hard road for years before that. We were always there to catch him- until we had to let go. Lots of intensive outpatient didnt work, then inpatient that was extended. Continued with outpatient after that and halfway house. That was hard to tell him, but it is probably the thing that saved him. My heart aches to this day when I think about the counselling session when he was told he couldn't come home- had to go to the halfway house next. But I am thankful that that was what we did.

But he had to want to live sober. He didn't at first. We always felt that if we could get him sober long enough to let the fog lift that he would "get it". He was a hard case. He eventualy became the house manager there at the halfway house and has now moved on to live in an apartment. He has also become a counsellor at the inpatient facility where he went for his recovery. He works the detox and difficult cases. He sees through their lies-calls them on their crap.
He thanks us for his life.
End t/j.

If you haven't found Al-Anon for yourself, I would suggest it. You can find strength and support with them.
She is spiraling and will try to manipulate you in all sorts of ways. It's worked for her before and she figures she will be successful. They can get very dramatic, but stay the course. You need to end allowing her sickness to make you sick. Remember that with an addict the whole family is ill.

I'm sure you already know all of this, but do remember it during the hard times. You have to love her enough to save her by letting her hit bottom. The real bottom.
Wishing you peace.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Soverysadnow: I didn't see this until just now when I came back to update... but ironically right now is just when I needed to read it... so thank you. When she left inpatient, they strongly suggested halfway house. I was the one that gave in, but set boundaries and stipulations, and let her come home.

She came over Sunday. I had all three kids there and it was a great day. She called me the day before asking what time, and saying she needed to know cause she was going to work a shift. Then she asked for some of her money, saying she wanted it for a Mother's Day gift. I told her I didn't need a gift, and that I thought her money was best saved for when she was ready for her own place, or a car, etc... she hung up on me. (BIG RED FLAG).

Turned out that Sunday she didn't work at all. hmmm. She didn't look horrible, but she didn't look good either. I can see it. I didn't ask any questions, didn't offer any unsolicited advice, and didn't make any comments. Very unlike me.

We text a little Sunday night, after she left. I thanked her for coming, and she said some nice stuff then asked why I didn't really talk to her - I did... just not what she expected - I told her I just wanted to have a nice day and didn't want to nag or bug her, and didn't want her to think I invited her over to attack her.

She asked to come home. Said a lot of stuff... some I believe, and some I don't. I calmly and very kindly (as kind as you can) said no, she needed to do this on her own, and the decision is made.

It's killing me. She is saying how the places she is staying aren't good environments, she'll do anything I want, etc...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

SSM....think about the ramifications your actions will have years from now. Her addiction is speaking. Not only the chemical addiction, but the dependency on others for her wellbeing. If she doesn't learn self-reliance she will ALWAYS be a burden on either society as a permanent welfare recipient or in a series of horrible relationships just because she needed someone to take care of her.

I know it will make you feel better to relent and take her back....but think about this in the context of long-term results.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6509 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
cryingdaily
Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

You're doing the right thing. As hard as it is. I feel for you both. I really do. Stay strong.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14398 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I don't know what the stipulations are. Can you help her find a stable place to live? Is the halfway house still an option? I'm glad you didn't give her any money.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I just typed a whole mess and lost it... dang it.

Bottom line was that you provided her with a safe environment for a long time. Rather than use it to build a foundation for her own life, she stayed right in the limboland that was supposed to be tke a temporary. Living off your resources like a kid, but wanting the respect of an adult.

Her challenges are not easy but she threw away her support system. Her choice. Do not let her guilt you into taking responsibility for her flawed decision making.

I am so sorry that you are here. I hope that she finds the strength to do what is right for herself rather than finding someone to rescue her....

Hugs.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

She spent the last two days up at her dad's, and he is now in her corner, pressuring me to let her come home. I already feel bad enough - last night didn't help defending myself to him.

Luckily, we get along very well and are able to talk - we're kinda like brother and sister, as weird as that may sound. He is a pushover, though, so I expected this.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Did you explain to him that the most loving thing to do is jolt her enough now that he doesn't have to see her desperate, and way further addicted and broken in the years to come?
IMO this is a very critical time. The last thing I want for you guys is to see her facing jail time or losing her kids or her health being critical and then think "I wish I had drawn my line while there was still a chance" .

The rehab likely recommended the halfway house because they knew she was still thinking like an addict and it was just a matter of time before she used again. It's not enough to be clean. She has to address the mentality that allows her to use and justify and the poor coping skills or the urge to use will always be at her door. It's not unlike the reason we are at this website. Until the thinking is changed, nothing changes right?
I can only imagine your struggle. I truly believe by being willing to take the hardline now you are doing the most noble thing...the right thing. Caving and giving hugs and buying her stories is the easy and natural thing. We love our kids.
Looking down the road and saying "I love you enough to be willing to have you hate my guts right now so you won't to suffer later" is much harder and I commend you. That's what a parent does. They do the uncomfortable thing.

Just the snippits here tell me she is still using or very close.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44392 | Registered: Sep 2006
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

((( ssm )))

I am so very sorry. I've been exactly where you are - probably worse as there was a murder involved w/ Lucky sons best friend.

I know the fear but I can assure you that you are strong enough to cope with this, you have to love her enough to let her go.

Users don't think like you and I do. They can justify anything and everything, they'll do anything for money and a hit.

Lock up any and all valuables, when they hit near rock bottom they will have no issue stealing from you to get what they believe they need to 'survive'. Trust me. I know. I've been robbed near blind.

The only person who can change a user - is a user. And until they want to quit your hands are tied & your heart will remain broke.

If you need to talk you know where I am.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Thanks. In defense of my daughter, she never escalated to different drugs (percs are expensive and heroin is cheap... both opiates). She also never stole from me - ever. In fact, one of our stipulations in the agreement was she bring her paychecks to me and we go over them together, give her a small amount of spending money, and I get the rest - to put away and save for her to get another car, and move out eventually. She has done that, but I've had to bug her about it...

I do know that she can easily get to the point of stealing, etc... and of course I don't want to see that happen, or for her to "give up" and give in. That is what her dad is saying he fears if I don't let her come home.

He doesn't get my point of view, and it's frustrating. He keeps saying stuff about her losing her support system, and I keep telling him she isn't losing me as a support system at all - just as her cushy safety net.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

He doesn't get my point of view, and it's frustrating. He keeps saying stuff about her losing her support system, and I keep telling him she isn't losing me as a support system at all - just as her cushy safety net.


Yep, sometimes its less your job to stop their fall, and more your job to help them climb back up.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

We've been texting today. At first I was feeling good because she's following up on a claim from that accident she was in. She had been ignoring all correspondence and I was dealing with it (I had to - it was my health insurance involved and with Bunt, and I can't let that get fucked up). But now she's taking it upon herself. GOOD. As she should.

She also said she went to see a couple of military recruiters, to look at options. OK - good... might be just what she needs.

I told her that I looked up IC docs in our insurance network, and that I highly recommended that for her - no cost for her is she wants to see someone. She answered back that she wants to make an appt to get on anxiety meds...

WHAT... I explained that meds aren't the answer - not for her right now... and that there are a lot of things people can do for anxiety without meds (I do them, so I know), AND... that the first step is to see someone and explore your issues and problems, then discuss solutions. MEDS... isn't the automatic solution.

sheesh


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

He doesn't get my point of view, and it's frustrating. He keeps saying stuff about her losing her support system, and I keep telling him she isn't losing me as a support system at all - just as her cushy safety net
.

If he wants to be her safety net and take it on, that is his choice. Why is he trying to get you to flex your boundaries?

I don't remember if he is married, but I do remember you talking about his SO saying some really crappy stuff about your son. Is his SO going to want her out soon and that is why he is laying the guilt trip on you?

Just wondering.

Hang in there.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Well honestly IMO meds aren't the worst thing. A lot of people self medicate anxiety and depression and gently.. your issues aren't hers and she might need something different than you do.

That being said, there are two families of meds for anxiety. She would need to avoid the benzopines like the plague. They are highly addictive and habit forming.
An SSRI is not the same. I take a low dose of Zoloft and it's been a life saver for years now to stop panic attacks that were debilitating. The thing is she's screwing up her brain chemistry with drugs and alcohol so she doesn't know what she feels like normal until she's had some time.
You know it's only my opinion and I trust you to take it or leave it, but she could see a doctor with FULL disclosure and see what they say. An SSRI is not the same thing as Xanax or Ativan and I think at 20 she can make that decision health wise.

Don't be mad at me.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44392 | Registered: Sep 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

She only stayed up there for a couple days, and went to visit her aunt (his sister lives close). She isn't moving there. Now I think she is at his mother's (her grandmother), but I'm not sure for how long.

Well, my ex loves to be DAD... but nothing that requires financial support on his end. It's a bit like how he always insisted my son get to play competitive baseball, and how great it was for him, etc... yet never helped pay for any of it. He's great at contributing his opinion...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Oh no Meta... I agree... i assumed she wants benzos, as she has mentioned it before... i just think she should see a professional first, before deciding what she needs.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Oh, ssm... your typical post of sheer hysteronics and then the "Buts" and the "Buts" and the "Buts"... you know exactly what I mean.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

(((SSM)))
You are doing the right thing, and I'm sure it's very very hard.

Has your daughter ever been worked up or tested for ADD/ADHD? Many of us with this real issue also tend to self medicate something to quiet the mind/body. The number or untreated ADD/ADHD folks that drink/do drugs/ become addicts is much higher than the general population.
Effective treatment can make it much easier for her change the cycle of thought for her addiction.

Military may actually be a very good choice for her. She sounds very unmotivated, but capable of much more. The military will fix that.

Sending good thoughts, prayers, and MoJo your way.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Oh, ssm... your typical post of sheer hysteronics and then the "Buts" and the "Buts" and the "Buts"...

I'm trying to figure out what you mean?? The fact that she did it again definitely did affect me greatly, and that hasn't changed. I'm scared to death at how this may escalate. I think prior to all the classes and meetings I attended, I was in denial about the potential severity, but I'm not any longer. I was only trying to say that we haven't gotten to that point with her... yet. I hope we never do.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

She is moving in to an apt. with a friend. She called last night and told me. She sounded excited, and when I asked about this girl, she said she has a good full time job, and does not do drugs. This is not one of her old high school friends, so hopefully this is a good thing. Time will tell.

They came over, and she introduced me to the girl. She seemed ok, but what do I know??? They all seem nice. They packed up the car with some of DD's stuff, and she asked if she could come move dressers and more things on Sunday. She also asked to store some stuff at the house, and I said sure, and the girls don't have a washer and dryer - so I said she could come do laundry sometimes too if she needs.

Overall, she seemed happy to have figured at least this one hurdle out. Like I said, I hope it is a good decision on her part, and time will tell.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
cryingdaily
Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Ok. Good. It's sink or swim time. This could be good but it will all be up to her. (((ssm)))


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14398 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
ToTrustAgain
Member
Member # 15167
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

SSM, you have a PM. :)


"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2007
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Well, update on my DD. She got a second job, and is doing well. She is saving for a car she plans to buy in August, and she has been pleasant and helpful - helping me with the dog while Bunt is in the hospital.

She is struggling with some health things right now, acid reflux and anxiety caused by stress and fear. That makes me feel bad... but I am helping her with medical bills/expenses, and we are talking and spending time together. I stuck to my guns, though and she is not back at my home. I hope she continues to do well on her own


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Awesome update, ssm!


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7541 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Great job SSM. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to do that.

Getting on her own with need for work and structure may be just what she needed. Something to focus on besides the next high.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 80