SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: I'm trying...
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Stop  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 6th (Monday)

I've been married for over 15 years and about two years ago I started having an affair with a guy I met online. We live in different states but he'd travel to where I live in order to see me.

I've ended things with him so many times but it never really stuck. I recently told him that I can't keep doing this because the guilt is killing me. I haven't had any contact with him for over a week but I miss him.

I miss having a friend to talk to everyday. My husband is a wonderful man but he would rather watch TV than talk to me. It wasn't a problem in the past because I had small children to take care of. Now that they are older, I'm feeling alone.

I know I did the right thing by ending the affair but I still feel alone and I still miss the other guy.

My husband has no idea about the affair. I'm 100% certain of that. I have no plans of telling him either. It would kill him to know the truth.

I think this time the other guy and I are both determined to stay away from each other. Instead of calling him and telling him I miss him, I'm "confessing" here. I have no one else I can tell.

[This message edited by luckyllama at 8:06 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, May 6th (Monday)

I didn't remember to un-check the stop thingy and I don't know how to go back and do that, but I don't care who responds.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Welcome to SI luckyllama.

So you've "broken-up" with your OM a billion times and always gotten back together. What's going to make it stick this time? What's stopping you from contacting him again?

And your husband doesn't know. What happens when your OM gets pissed because you turned him down and he tells your husband? Or he confesses to his wife and she calls your husband?

I will tell you that I think you are very wrong to not tell your husband. I am a FWS that confessed my affair. Hardest thing in the world to do. But it was the right thing to do. Why? Because my husband had a right to know what he was married to, what I had done, and to make the choice to stay with or leave me.

While you're hanging out here, please check out the Healing Library. Lots of good info in there.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 6th (Monday)

luckyllama...

We're going to leave the stop sign on and this thread closed off to WS's only...it's best for now.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196464 | Registered: May 2002
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 6th (Monday)

confessing here is helpful to a point. But it won't necessarily keep you accountable and away from the OM.
Want to know what will?

Confessing to your BH..until you do, there is nothing really stopping you from going back again to the OM.
What happens when your will-power runs out again as it has many times before?You are just one keystroke or one text or phone call from contacting him. How is that fair to your BH?

How is that fair to your marriage?
Just because your Bh doesn't pay you enough attention is no reason or excuse to cheat on him.
It's reason for counseling, but what you have done now is compound the problems you were having.

You think you can live the rest of your life with this as a secret?
You could, but eventually the guilt would consume you. Either health wise or mentally wise.
You won't ever be happy with yourself because this dark secret will always be there.
Every kind gesture by your husband will make the guilt grow. It should unless you are a sociopath.

The best way to cure this is with honesty, transparency and no contact.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Aubrie84: I don't know what's going to make it stick this time. In the past, I've called to check on him to make sure he was doing okay. This time, I told him I was not going to do that...and I haven't. I deleted all the old emails, pictures, etc.

He's not married so there is no wife to call my husband. I don't think he's pissed; probably sad and hurt. He has no way of contacting my husband.

I posted this knowing that I would be told that I should tell my husband. I'm just not there yet. The other guy would marry me in a minute. If I told my husband, and things didn't go well, I'd have an easy out...and I don't think that's right.

I will look at the Healing Library. Thank you for the suggestion.

floridaredman: It's helpful to me because I have no one else to talk to. I've only told one person about this and he told me, "It's okay, everyone cheats." Not really what I wanted or needed to hear.

There is no valid reason to cheat. I wasn't trying to justify my actions just trying to give insight as to why I did.

I'm confident that if I told my husband, he would not leave me. But he would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve the pain. The guilt may consume me but I deserve it.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Sounds like you've got a nice, neat little package deal then eh? You don't have to worry about anybody snitching on you. You can just pretend this never happened.

Till time passes, the guilt wanes, and you get sick of your husband ignoring and not talking to you. How will you handle that? Will you pick up the phone and chit-chat with OM? Will you find a new OM? What do you plan on doing when the void is screaming at you?

You said that you're not going to tell your BS. You're not there yet. Ok fine. But know this...

I'm confident that if I told my husband, he would not leave me. But he would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve the pain.
He doesn't deserve your lying, manipulating, and cheating either. He doesn't deserve to be unknowingly exposed to STDs.

Stick around.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Hi lucky llama

I see you have been welcomed to SI. Glad you have decided to join us here for support. I''m yet another person who will suggest that you will need to confess. I came here in July with no intentions on confessing and thought it was crazy talk. Well I have learned a lot here and wrote a post on my thoughts on confessing. Rather than write you the song and dance here, I bumped my older thread and hope you have the time to take a read.

You know keeping this a secret would eat you alive... Whether you like it or not, it is the healthiest step you can take to regaining your life and living honestly with your husband.

We are here for you. Put on your thick skin here and learn as much as you can. Good luck


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 764 | Registered: Jul 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Hi ll,

I was a lurker on here before I gathered the courage to confess to my BH. It's scary and it's gut wrenching.

But he would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve the pain. The guilt may consume me but I deserve it.

He's already hurt, he just doesn't see what's causing it yet. The damage has been done. Give him (and you) what he (and you) needs to heal.

You're here because you want to be an honest person. You can get that back. You can get through this. That first step is a doozie, but we are here to help you through it.

You can do it.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Thank you for the welcomes. I'm a big girl and I can handle whatever anyone here has to say.

My nice little "package deal" was having my husband who is a good friend and roommate and my other guy who was attentive and affectionate. I didn't get caught and I wasn't given an ultimatum. I decided on my own that this needs to stop. I know that I need to put the effort into my marriage. I am trying.

I'm taking this one day at a time. Today I was missing the other guy and this forum has helped me refocus my energies. In time, it may help me confess.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Ll,
I bumped Maia''s Withdrawal Survival Guide for you.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Having been where you are I can tell you something that may help. My M had no hope in ever working out while AP was still in it. It's a cliche but there cannot be 3 people in a marriage.

Now that you've initiated NC with your AP you have the headspace to deal with your M. You now HAVE to face the craziness of your M and have no-one to run to for comfort, adoration or attention.

My spin for you right now is different. I think the confession will come in time but for now you must also focus energies on how to maintain NC as this is imperative.

What are your coping strategies? How will you control the urges to communicate? Have you understood having pangs of longing is part of withdrawal? Have you read about the "fog".

I'm 3 and half months NC. First few months I was still checking for him online, reading his status', wondering about what he'd be doing right now, reading old emails etc. Until someone on SI pointed out that's not NC. I deleted everything and have not checked since that post. Have a strategy plan on how you're ging to cope with the withdrawal of AP.

This site is helpful. people want to help and support.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Thank you for bumping the threads. I'm reading them.

Trying33: You get it! That's exactly where I am. In the past, I would read the old emails and IMs, so the first thing I did when I told him I couldn't continue is delete them. So far, my coping mechanism has been to come here and read threads.

I'm also trying to engage my husband and get him away from the TV. It worked tonight.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

luckyllama,

Here's the thing...you're a liar. You are keeping a huge secret from the one person with whom you should have no secrets. You are treating your husband like a stranger by withholding something BIG from him. Something that has a profound influence on his life. You are lying about who you are. You're choosing to continue to act without integrity because...why? It would hurt him to tell him? Yes it will, but it will also put him back on a level playing field in the marriage. He will have the information he needs to decide how to live his life. Its the fair thing to do. Its the right thing to do.

I'm betting the real reason is fear. You say you're sure he won't leave you. Good for you. Maybe that's the case, but are you ready and able to bear witness to the pain you created? I can promise that if you love him, that will be the hardest thing you ever do. Are you ready to dig in and figure out what inside you allowed you to cheat? Are you ready to relearn how to cope, to turn toward your husband in times of crisis, even when he's pushing you away because of the pain you caused? Are you ready to face his anger with humility and his deep sadness with empathy? Can you even begin to understand the damage you've done? Are you ready to face the fact that you've changed him forever?

That's what you face when you do the right thing and tell him. Otherwise, you continue to lie, to be inauthentic and be prepared to repeat the pattern. If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. Expecting anything else is foolish.

I did not confess. I was discovered. I will always regret that I didn't have the balls to confess when I had the chance. Confessing will give you a big head start on rebuilding trust. Your H deserves to know who you are and you deserve the chance to become who you want to be. If who you want to be is a true partner and an authentic person, do the right thing, starting now and keep doing it every day moving forward.

Healing from an A is a long road, and the journey doesn't start until your H has the information you've been keeping from him.

Enough excuses. Respect you H enough to give him the truth. All of it.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
starrysky
Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Hi luckyllama...welcome to SI.

I'm 8 years out now from DDay and have reconciled my marriage beautifully. How did I do that? I confessed my affair to my husband. At the time I confessed, I had been in the affair for 5 months, the guilt was eating me alive & I blurted out "I think I'm in love with someone else" while extremely drunk one night. Still makes my stomach turn to think about it. Even after I confessed, I didn't end the affair for another 5 1/2 months, which again, makes me sick to my stomach. At any rate, once I went completely no contact, started working on my why's, began to dig deep..my husband said this to me "Just so you know, if you had not confessed and I had found out on my own, I would have divorced you immediately." I'm certainly not speaking for any or all BS', but for my H, the continuing lies & secrets would have destroyed our marriage, not solely the act of infidelity.

You mentioned that there's no way your H will find out, there's no wife or girlfriend on the other end to rat you out nor do you think your OM will spill the beans, but can you bet your marriage on that? Do you want to bet your marriage on that? There are a million and one ways your H can catch you, even if you think you've covered every base that can possibly be covered. A keylogger on your computer, getting cell phone records, putting a voice activated recorder in your home/car...the list goes on and on. Take it from me and all of the other incredibly wise folks here, TELL HIM. It's scary. You'll want to vomit. You'll feel like you're being sucked into a black hole. Yet..it IS the right thing to do, whether you're "ready" or not. Even if your H doesn't find out right now or anytime in the near future, it COULD happen years & years down the road & your H will think to himself "The past 15 years of my life, MY MARRIAGE, have been a complete lie".

Also, you've stated that you've tried, unsuccessfully, to permanently end contact with OM; that it's something you struggle with, telling your H will help eliminate this as you will be held accountable. Help yourself, help your H...please consider telling him..and soon!

Keep posting..the 2 x 4's hurt like hell but they come from those of us who have been there and we truly do care. Good luck!


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

starrysky: Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it and so far nothing has felt like a 2x4. To me, the responses are food for thought.

The other guy is a dear friend whom I really care about. For the last year I've been trying to get the strength to end things. I'd do it but then because I care, I'd start wondering if he was doing okay. I was sad that I was hurting him but I realized that I am doing more damage by not letting him go (not to mention what I was doing to my marriage).

I think I need to do things in stages and right now I am in the stage where I need to let this friendship die.

My husband is a quiet person and he does not communicate well. If I were to tell him, I think he would shut down completely as he tried to process everything. I think that would intensify the feeling of loneliness for me and I would be more likely to run back to the other guy. If that friendship is dead, I won't have that temptation. I need to be completely over him so I can be strong and do the right thing. That's why I say I am trying...

Before, when I started to wonder what he was doing, what he was thinking, if he's mad, if he's hurt, what he thinks of me, etc., I'd get weak and call. I didn't want him to think badly of me and think I didn't care about him. I still have those thoughts but I am being more rational. Of course he is sad and is hurting but this is what is best for both of us. He may be mad but deep down, I'm sure he knows I care even if I don't call. Whether or not he thinks badly of me, is not important. I can't worry about that.

So right now, reading threads here helps me keep my focus on doing what I know is the right thing: no contact.

After I make it through this stage, I can move onto the next one.

[This message edited by luckyllama at 11:50 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I think there's something to be said for getting yourself through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Ok, I just need to address the "friend" thing. This guy is NOT your friend. Real friends don't aid in the disrespect of your H and destruction of your marriage. Real friends don't encourage you to lie, cheat, and deceive your spouse. Real friends will tell you to take your ass home, shut off the TV and do every single thing you can to make your marriage work. Your OM did none of these things. You must let go of the notion that this guy was your friend. He was not. He does not have your best interests at heart. He is selfish and wants what he wants. He was and is an opportunist.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Amen to what MissesJai said!!!

There is nothing that is keeping you from contacting him again - you even said you always caved in. What is to stop you now? Your conscience?? Didn't work any other time. As time passes, you will become more depressed and as Aubrie said, you will probably contact the OM or start a new 'friendship'. Your BH has NO IDEA how unhappy you are so he probably won't change much.

If I were to tell him, I think he would shut down completely as he tried to process everything. I think that would intensify the feeling of loneliness for me and I would be more likely to run back to the other guy.

You have no idea how he would react. Yes, he would be devastated, I can guarantee that. His world would cease to exist. He may want to R and he may not, that is his choice. Let HIM make it. And as for the OM, you really think you would run into his arms if your BH shut down? Really? You wouldn't be there for him?

Have you sent an NC letter? If not, you need to. Today. Make it short and to the point - NOTHING sweet. This should help you also knowing you can't break NC.

As your reading here on SI, be sure and read the Just Found Out forum as well as the Betrayed Men down in the I Can Relate forum.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

If that friendship is dead, I won't have that temptation.

This is delusion. What if only you thought the friendship was dead and the moment you reach out to see how your "friend" is doing", he reels you back in?
He is obviously still emotionally invested in you since he could not stop this himself and neither can you in the grand scheme of things.

You are still in wayward thinking, dry adultery as uncertainone (a member) calls it.
MissesJai is right..this is no friend.
A friend wouldn't help you do things to destroy your marriage. A friend would make you talk to your husband instead of having sex with him and getting emotionally invested in him.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I didn't send a letter; I told him in person. Sending a letter, however, would have been a lot easier.

I already know what will happen if I contact him to see how he's doing...that's why I won't contact him...and I told him that.

I've read on here about people who confessed and then cheated again. So to say that confessing now will prevent me from contacting the other guy is false logic. I need to be strong enough to do what's right. I need to work on my own weaknesses. No contact is the first step. That's all I've said and that's where I am.

Attacking the other guy is unproductive and not helpful.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Confessing is not false logic. It informs your BH of what kind of marriage he's in. Right now he doesn't know...that's false logic.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Attacking the other guy is unproductive and not helpful.
I disagree. It takes two to engage in an affair. If you want to reach indifference towards the OM, you have to see him for who he really is. It's hard to do that when you're in the middle of it. We see him for who he is and have no problem calling it out because we don't have any emotional ties to this guy. You do, thus your vision is not clear when it comes to him.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Attacking the other guy is unproductive and not helpful.

I must disagree with this statement and here is why. No one has "attacked" him, only spoken truths. But quite often the truth is very hard to hear. He was not a friend of yours as much as you would like to believe he was. I know it is hard to understand right now but as long as you hold onto the "friendship" you will continue to hold onto those romantic notions of him. As long as you do that, your marriage will be doomed no matter how your husband acts. Part of letting go is understanding the toxic role that person has in your life. The other part is understanding your own toxic behaviors. Which leads me to your justification of being lonely in your marriage.

Sure your husband may be quiet and withdrawn. Sure he may spend way too much time paying attention to the TV rather than you, but you need to start figuring out what it is about you that felt getting attention outside of your marriage was a better solution than working with your husband to get your needs met.

I recommend being careful about making blanket statements regarding knowing what your husband will say or do. I say this from experience. I was certain that my husband did not love me enough to work on our M. From my perspective at that time I felt he had a very low interest in me in general. I felt that he stayed with me more out of obligation than because he truly loved me. I was certain that if he were to find out about my A that he would be upset but for the most part quietly let me go. After all, I had been with this man for more than 15 years. I should be able to properly predict how he will react to a situation.

I could not have been more wrong. I should have given him much more credit. Once he knew there was a problem of this magnitude, he was all in. I saw a side of my husband I never knew existed. Not because he was never willing to show me, but because I never bothered to look or ask to see it. I had never let on to him what state our M was in. And I certainly never let on to how broken I was inside. So my point is, never underestimate how your BS will handle things.

He has a right to know. Every day that you do not tell him is another day of lies. It is another day that he is living his own life under very false pretenses. It is another day that he will feel foolish because he carried on his life as if everything were just fine.

I was caught vs. confessing. It's something I regret deeply. I thought about telling my BH often but then would talk myself out of it, saying that I needed to get things under control first. I was never able to. I was always drawn back in. Then it was too late. The MOM outed me. He did it because it was what he wanted. I wasn't consulted on the matter. It was a selfish move on his part (one I failed to see at the time because I felt he was my friend). It was ugly and public. It should have been the kind of thing that my BH heard from me, privately. But it wasn't because I had too much trust in someone that did not have my best interest at heart. I had no idea that my life was about to come crumbling down in such a monumental way. And as much as I would like to blame the MOM, I only have myself to blame. I was the one who had the power to take control of my life the whole time and do the right thing. But I didn't. That was my choice. And it's something I have to live with now.

Don't make the same mistake. Don't think you have time to "get over" the OM or work on your issues before coming forward about your A with your BH. You never know when the house of cards will come crashing down.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 4:04 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 613 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

t/j
WoW..great post WOES

end of t/j


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

floridaredman: I didn't say confessing is false logic. It's false logic to say I won't contact the other guy if I confess. If I confess, I will still have to remain strong and continue the no contact. That struggle isn't going away by confessing.

MissesJai: It's unproductive because it really doesn't matter if he is a great guy or not. I'm moving on. I have no interest in defending him one way or another. I'm not struggling with his failings, I'm struggling with mine. Having anger toward him isn't going to help me. I will miss his friendship whether it was a sincere friendship or not.

I feel like I'm the only person who has on her own decided, "this is wrong and I'm not going to do it anymore." I didn't need to be caught and I didn't need an ultimatum. I needed to come to my senses. And once I came to my senses, I needed the strength to do it.



Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

that's fair and let me say that you are not the first to come to this point:
"this is wrong and I'm not going to do it anymore."
there are MANY here in the same position.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I feel like I'm the only person who has on her own decided, "this is wrong and I'm not going to do it anymore."
You're not. There are quite of few of us, myself included, that did not get caught or were forced to an ultimatum.

I confessed, then faced my husband's pain from my confession square in the eyeballs.

Did he deserve the pain? Absolutely not. And if there had been another way, I would have done it. But the thing is, I couldn't get healthy while hiding this big secret from him. I knew something was broken within me. And if I was going to fix it, I had to start by doing things right. The first step of living an authentic and healthy life is getting it out there. He is the one I wronged and I couldn't possibly get my head screwed back on straight if I didn't tell him the truth.

Not confessing = lie, which most definitely does not = healthy and/or authentic.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

That struggle isn't going away by confessing.

No it's not going away, but you would be amazed at how the struggle would be impacted.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 6:26 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

My husband is a quiet person and he does not communicate well. If I were to tell him, I think he would shut down completely as he tried to process everything.

I wouldn't assume that. There have been many "quiet" and withdrawn BH's on here that became The raging Incredible Hulk on DDay. I wouldn't assume how he would react.
By doing this..you are already deciding his fate for him..shouldn't he be responsible for that?

[This message edited by floridaredman at 6:39 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

So don't tell him. Then every day is a lie. You try to rekindle something with your BH...it is based on falsehood. Or, you maybe are angry at your BH, but maybe you feel like you can't really get mad at him though, because of what you have done now.

So you continue to resent and drift apart.

And so it festers inside you.

Or do you just master compartmentalizing it?

Nothing pretty about an A. It is not a beautiful friendship, you and OM. It is simply cheating - two people making each other feel good without a dose of real married life and with no consequences.

I tucked my secret away for 9 years. I thought I was OK. I turns out I was not. It also led to the lack of intimacy in my M.

You can't white knuckle this. Sorry.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 7:42 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

So, you've heard it many times in many different ways from people with many different experiences who have all walked a similar path before you. We are all saying you need to come clean to even begin to set yourself and your M straight.

Do you still think you know better?


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I have no anger toward my husband.

I'm already a master at compartmentalizing. I mastered that as a child.

I never said I knew better than anyone here.

The condescending comments aren't helpful at all. The personal stories and reflections are.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Not meant to be condescending at all. Sorry it came off that way. Just pointing out that you still haven't come back with a plan to tell your BH after all of the personal stories and reflections you've heard.

Perhaps I should restate it this way: do you still think your current plan is better?


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

It's only been a day since I've posted anything. No, I don't have a plan to to tell him yet.

I haven't even had time to read through all the suggested threads.

Pushiness never works with me.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

One saying we have here is "take what you need and leave the rest." What you perceive from others is honest truth from people who've walked in your shoes. For the most part, we've all had someone who we thought was a friend when really we all made a choice to fuck someone other than our spouse. You're no different. We are all wayward, just like you.

So when you have a group of people pretty much telling you the same thing, and you come up with all these convenient answers as to why your path forward is especially different, who is the one with a skewed outlook?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I'm going to add that it took me quite a while to pull my head out of my ass, so I get that it my take you a while to get to a point where you're open to such different points of view.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Pushiness? Why do you think I'm challenging you? Because I like it? Everyone here is responding to help you, whether you like what they have to say or not. It looks like I'm not the only one seeing a red flag in your plan to not tell your BH. If he finds out before you confess, you've lost a major trust building opportunity that will help you both heal and perhaps facilitate R if that's what you both want, so pardon me for trying to impart a sense of urgency to the situation.

I will gladly back out of this discussion if you'd like, but I stand by my statements. The right thing to do is tell, and soon.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Thank you, BaxtersBFF. I appreciate your comments.

longroadhome, I'm a big girl, I don't care who comments or what they say. If I weren't open to the feedback, I wouldn't read the responses.

Maybe I am reading too much into your comments but they came across to me like, "Well, we all told you what to do, why haven't you done it yet?"

Being a hardass works with some -- and that's usually the type of person I get along with best -- but in this situation, I think I need some compassion coupled with the hardassness. Were you able to figure everything out in 24 hours?


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

From one trying to another, after reading this thread, I really do think it's a little aggressive. Yeh, sure, it's one thing sharing views and recommending ways forward, but it's another thing pressuring these movements when the person isn't ready.

One thing I still don't feel super comfortable with here (and I feel It would be nice if I could) is get help with my withdrawal. I'm not as strong as llama and stop myself from describing how much I still miss AP. Fact is I do. Withdrawal for each person is different and the timeframe is different too.

From what I gather from reading here, those who were "caught" and have decided they want to R, manage to withdraw faster and with not as much anguish as those who have decided to stop it themselves of their own volition.

What I'm trying to say is despite the attachment to AP being wrong (which we all know) it's still there. We are humans. I spent 8 hours a day with my xAP for 2 and a half years. I think about him and I wonder how he is. I am trying not to but it's a process.

I'd like to feel safe and for others to feel safe to get support from other waywards (and the stop sign is on) and help through the withdrwal process without feeling like I should be over it by now and fully committed to R. I sometimes feel like I should feel ashamed for missing xAP. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.

Fact of the matter is, and this is what llama is trying to say (from my interpretation) is "let me let go of one relationship first before I can focus on rebuilding another one".

That is exactly how I feel right now. I'm not "over" AP as much as I'd like to think I am. I cry when I listen to songs, I'm reminded of him daily. I miss him. I need to let it die rather than replace one man with another. I've done that in the past and it hasn't worked and it's not fair on my H.

Is it ok to grieve the loss of a relationship no matter how immoral it was?

On a positive note. There is no desire whatsoever to contact xAP. I couldn't think of anything more opposite to what I'm thinking.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I think there's something to be said for getting yourself through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it

I agree.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Trying33..your view will likely change after you get over the withdrawal of your AP. Right now you "mourn the loss". As does llama. We have all been where both of you are right now. It may seem pushy, but if we didn't care..we would just let you go down the path you are currently on.
We know where those paths lead


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

We have all been where both of you are right now. It may seem pushy, but if we didn't care..we would just let you go down the path you are currently on. We know where those paths lead
x2.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I could not have been more wrong. I should have given him much more credit. Once he knew there was a problem of this magnitude, he was all in. I saw a side of my husband I never knew existed. Not because he was never willing to show me, but because I never bothered to look or ask to see it. I had never let on to him what state our M was in. And I certainly never let on to how broken I was inside. So my point is, never underestimate how your BS will handle things.
^^^exactly this was true for me too!


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

trying33: I knew you got it. I think we are in the same place. I understand that others are trying to help but sometimes you have to meet people where they are.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

but sometimes you have to meet people where they are.

Nope..our job is to help you get from where you are. Where you are right now is no good for you..your husband or your marriage.

Trying33 needs the same help as you do. If there were 2 people dying, who can resuscitate who?
Your posts are also very offensive to some BS's who have been put in the situation that you are now in.
To think that you have to "get over" your AP while not letting go of your spouse to begin with to start the affair strikes a nerve.
I am guilty of that myself.
Just remember..you made no pledge to your AP to love, honor, cherish or be faithful to. If you did..it was after you already pledged it to another.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:30 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

sometimes you have to meet people where they are.
Ok. So you miss the AP terribly. Let's chat. What do you miss about him? His eyes? His laugh? Maybe the silly jokes he emailed to you? What were his best traits? What did you love most about him? How does he compare to your husband?

How will that kind of questioning help? It won't. Hence the reason the FWS don't ask that crap.

No Contact isn't just physical. It's mental. What is withdrawal? Getting rid of and getting over something that is bad for you right? People deal with withdrawals from sugar, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, shoes, poor spending habits, Beanie Baby obsessions, people, the list goes on.

How do you deal with it? With NC. You can't sit on the couch, and daydream about that crap. You will crack and go back to your vice. So how do you deal with withdrawal with the AP? NC. Physical and mental. Alot of WS are all, "Hey lookie at me! I'm all NC with the AP! See how awesome I am!?" yet they're still mentally in the A. They still think constantly about the AP. That's not NC.

Keep your hands and your mind busy. When your mind drifts to AP, picture a giant stop sign. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. When you think of AP, snap that band. Hard. Do crossword puzzles. Get into IC.

I "get" the withdrawal. Had it myself. But wallowing or excusing it didn't make it go away. NC did. Physical and mental.

To think that you have to "get over" your AP while not letting go of your spouse to begin with to start the affair strikes a nerve.
And extremely selfish.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I can be just as snarky as you guys...

If someone is stuck in the mud, sometimes you need to get off your high horse to help them up.

I don't think anyone said they wanted to talk about what they love about the other person.

Instead of being rude, why not just stick to offering advice and suggestions? It can be done without coming off like an ass.

What about an affair isn't offensive? If a BS is getting offended at what's written in a "Wayward" forum, maybe it's best if s/he refrains from reading the threads.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

If someone is stuck in the mud, sometimes you need to get off your high horse to help them up.

The person on the high horse is already out of the mud..it is the person in the mud that needs to accept the help instead of trying to get out of the mud they have no idea how to get free of


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

LL


If a BS is getting offended at what's written in a "Wayward" forum, maybe it's best if s/he refrains from reading the threads

First off...every reply on this thread has been from a WS, so you're incorrect.

Second off...every person on this thread has been trying to help you so instead of slinging mud at them, you would be best served by showing a little gratitude. Because I can promise you this...they will get tired of your insults and most likely stop helping you.

Be humble


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196464 | Registered: May 2002
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Instead of being rude, why not just stick to offering advice and suggestions?
You've got a 3 page thread full of it. And many of the answers, you don't want to hear or aren't open to. What do you want us to say?

Your thread has a stop sign and after your BS in the WS forum comment, I'm glad it is. You know what a stop sign means? It means that every reply that you have gotten is from a WS. They have been in the exact same boat as you. They know all the excuses before they even come out of your mouth. They have a very good idea where your head is right now cause we have all been there.

The FWS here are throwing you a rope. It's up to you to grab it and pull yourself out of the mud.

I stand by my words. If you prefer I back out of your thread, I will.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

advice:

Go no contact ..mental and physical.
Keep busy to keep your mind off the AP

Confess to your BH
Stop Romanticizing the affair and see it for what it was.
Get counseling
Become transparent
Keep Reading the healing library

Stop being defensive..
This is help whether you see it that way or not.
Breaking from an affair is hard work and it going to take a lot of work to fix it.
Keeping it a secret can be damaging.
We are not giving you theories..these posts are all about experience.
Take what you need and leave the rest.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Deeply Scared: Perhaps you misunderstood. I was told that I was offending BS's. I wasn't implying that any BS's have posted. If a BS has read this thread and found my comments offensive, I'm sorry. I don't understand what the point of having a wayward forum is if we have to worry about offending a BS because everything about an affair is offensive. That's all I'm saying.

floridaredman: Admittedly, I am not good with words but my choice is try or not say anything. Not saying anything has probably led to where I am now.

My dad recently died from terminal brain cancer. After he was first diagnosed, the doctors prepared him for his treatment. First, he needed radiation, then chemotherapy. Before his custom-fit radiation helmet was ready, he had an abdominal blockage and needed emergency surgery. After his surgery, his helmet was ready but, even though his brain cancer was the most aggressive form, they had to hold off on radiation and chemotherapy because he needed to heal from the abdominal surgery. Two weeks after his surgery, they started radiation...when his body was ready.

I feel like I'm being pushed to the radiation stage when I still need abdominal surgery. My dad died two months after his diagnosis and maybe I will too but this is where I am today.

Aubrie: I've read quite a few threads and I've seen several references to the book, The Five Love Languages. I've read the book and as well as The Five Love Languages of Children. If your love language is Acts of Service and I keep buying you gifts, you may not feel loved. Perhaps there are different helping languages too.

I appreciate the efforts. I've tried to point out what is helpful to me (personal stories), but it just isn't resonating.

I received a PM from someone who said she wasn't brave enough to comment and I replied and said that I'm only brave enough because the internet is anonymous; none of you know me. I'm actually shy and introverted. I've told no one about my situation and was pretty happy to find a safe place to talk. I'm not sure it's for me though.



Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

advice:
Go no contact ..mental and physical.
Keep busy to keep your mind off the AP

Confess to your BH
Stop Romanticizing the affair and see it for what it was.
Get counseling
Become transparent
Keep Reading the healing library

Stop being defensive..
This is help whether you see it that way or not.
Breaking from an affair is hard work and it going to take a lot of work to fix it.
Keeping it a secret can be damaging.
We are not giving you theories..these posts are all about experience.
Take what you need and leave the rest.

This is golden, and combined with personal stories, would have been my preference all along.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Sorry about your Dad.
This place is safe..trust us..we are trying to help you.
We cannot push you no farther than you want to go..

Personal stories are good...but they are someone else's story. We are trying to help you fix yours.
This is still at your pace..we cannot make you do anything, but what we can do is tell you the ramifications that may come by what you do or don't do.

Stay for awhile and you will see.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I don't know if I agree that it's a safe place. I suppose I haven't been here long enough to say but, if I'm going to be honest, I feel like there is a little internet bullying. Maybe some people respond to that but I don't...well, I don't respond appropriately to it. Of those who don't respond well, some will shy away and not comment and some will get obnoxious (me).

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I've been to other sites and trust me, you being a WS would get slaughtered. The BS's have free reign and will chop you up worse than we are here. It would be favorable if you can discern tough love from bullying.
IMO..you think things ought to go the way you prefer..that simply cannot always happen. Especially in this case.
You have no idea how to bounce back and save your marriage from an affair..I do as well as the others here.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Cool. Good luck in your healing.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

luckyllama,
I have never felt bullied here. People will speak their minds. We can all agree or disagree as we see fit. It always feels like helpfullness and support to me. I backed out because I was convicted by my own conscience and I felt I was not helpful.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

IMO..you think things ought to go the way you prefer..

No, I don't think that's it. Probably more like I want to go the way I think is right and if your way is different than mine, I need you to show me why your way is better. I know it can piss people off but I am one of those who need to know the why's behind everything.

(As I wrote that, it reminded me of my son who is the same way and it drives me crazy when he does it to me!)


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I have never felt bullied here. People will speak their minds. We can all agree or disagree as we see fit. It always feels like helpfullness and support to me. I backed out because I was convicted by my own conscience and I felt I was not helpful.

I'm glad you haven't. I've read other threads and I've thought people were genuinely helpful. I tried to thank the people I thought were helpful and I thought I thanked you as well. Sorry if I didn't.

[This message edited by luckyllama at 3:09 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Sorry ll, that's not what I meant...

I meant I felt I was being harmful to you, even if you didn't.

I don't need to be thanked.

I felt what I offered was the wrong thing. It happens. My feelings weren't hurt. I just didn't want to make things worse.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Probably more like I want to go the way I think is right and if your way is different than mine

How do you know what is right when it comes to recovering a marriage plagued by infidelity?
Have you done this before?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

No, I haven't done this before and I don't know what's right, that's why I said what I think is right. I'm open to other possibilities.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Some of my best "therapy" is when I'm out outside running and alone with my thoughts. I just got back from an hour of therapy and I realized that I am expecting responses and support to be in the style and manner I prefer and not recognizing that you are all different too. I apologize for my snarky comments.

I don't usually open up about anything so I'm not used to getting advice. Initially, I think I just wanted to vent.

If you took the time to respond, thank you.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Llama, in your first couple of posts, you said that you stopped the A because you knew it wasn't right. Can you talk about that more? What did you know wasn't right?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Cheating on my husband wasn't right. Lying about where I was going wasn't right. Spending time with the other person when I should have been spending time with my family wasn't right. I'm sure I can come up with more but just one of those "not rights" is bad enough.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I need you to show me why your way is better.

Since you are a mother, let me give you am example that may resonate with you. Everyday we make decisions for our children. We tell them what to wear, how to behave, where they can go. We make those decisions because at the stage they are in their life they do not have the wear with all to make sound decisions on their own. They don't have the experiences we have. They don't have the knowledge. They are innocent children and we try desperately as parents to protect them. So we make decisions for them.

But as adults, when decisions are made for us it is no longer to protect. Because as adults we have experiences and we have knowledge. When others try to make decisions for us as adults it's condescending. When people think they know what is best for us without having all if the information it's maddening and degrading.

Look at your reaction when perfect strangers here on this board have attempted to tell you what to do. You have gotten angry and lashed out a bit. Why? Because you don't like being told what to do. You feel you know what's best for you but others keep on insisting that they know better and now you are feeling a bit beat up by it.

So take every feeling that you have about us here trying to tell you what to do, trying to make a decision for you that you are not ready to make. Take those feelings and try very hard to step in your husband's shoes. From the moment you decided to step out if your marriage and not disclose that information to him, you began to make decisions about your husband's life. You began to treat him like one of the children, deciding for him what he should and should not know. Deciding for him when he can be privy to the most important piece of information regarding his M. And that is condescending to him. It's insulting to him to make the decision that he is not able to handle this information. And the worst part about it is he has no idea.

Even my kids can appreciate when I include them in decisions. Would you move without consulting your husband? Would you change jobs? I doubt it because these are big life changing decisions and you are married. So I ask why would you make the life changing decision to sleep with another man and keep that from him?

It's not marriage. It's management. And it's not fair to him.

I understand the fear. But imagine not knowing something so personal and pertinent going on in your life. Imagine being so clueless that thousands of complete strangers on the Internet know more about what is happening in your life than you do. How would that make you feel?

Please consider staying here. The people here are attempting to help because they have gone through it. They speak from experience.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 613 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks, WalkinOnEggshelz. Your reply is one I'll read over again. It brought tears to my eyes.

One thing you said that really hit me is, "It's not marriage. It's management." I've been managing his life for over 20 years. He's the first one to say he'd still be living with his mom if it weren't for me.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

^^^ Fantastic explanation, WalkinOnEggShellz.

Hi Llama. I know I'm coming late to this thread, and you've gotten great advice from far wiser folks than I. I just wanted to say that I am a WS who was caught, and I don't think I would have had the courage to ever confess on my own, even had I stopped the A before my XH found out. That being said, I regret to this day that my XH found out on his own rather than hearing it from me. The fact that he had to uncover my behavior rather than me confessing adds another layer of shamefulness to my already deplorable behavior during the A.

I too had a "quiet and uncommunicative" spouse. When he discovered my affair, he didn't rage or scream much. What he did do was divorce me immediately. And he cited the fact that I hadn't confessed, and that I lied/trickle-truthed on the day of his discovery, as two of the reasons (out of many) that he wanted the divorce.

Telling your H is the right thing to do...simply because it's right. Ending your affair is a good first step in the direction toward living an honest, authentic life with integrity. But you can't get all the way there, within your marriage, while there is still the barrier of such a huge secret between you.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

So your "not right" reasons are pretty normal, something that a WS can understand. Can you take it a step further and realize that things (infidelity-wise) became not right when you started talking to the OM on-line? At what point did you finally realize it wasn't right and why did you not have that realization before the communication with the OM started?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I need you to show me why your way is better. I know it can piss people off but I am one of those who need to know the why's behind everything.

***As a member*** (which in itself can anger people)***

LL...

I really don't post much anymore, mostly because after 13 years, I'm pretty much talked out. I cheated and hurt my husband beyond anything I'd ever like to remember. But there it is...with me everyday.

You have a major attitude and I understand that. I understand that you're so far in denial and so far in this defense mode that most of what is being shared with you will fall on deaf ears./

Whether you confess to your H is your business but please understand if you don't...I swear to God you will wait for that one day that it comes to a head. And that will not be a day I'd want to be in your shoes because everything leading up to that will be a lie in your H's mind. Nothing you say or do will convince him otherwise.

Get defensive, be flippant, shove your middle finger at all of us on here trying to help you...but in the end, you'll be alone because you weren't honest.

Just remember that...

you'll be alone because *you* weren't honest.



"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196464 | Registered: May 2002
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Can you take it a step further and realize that things (infidelity-wise) became not right when you started talking to the OM on-line?

No, I don't think it was "not right" when we first started talking online because it was on a forum. I don't see anything wrong with replying to each other on a public forum. It went from the forum to Facebook...which is essentially public. I think it became "not right" when messaging became daily and lasted for hours. It wasn't sexual in nature just not appropriate because of the amount of time.

At what point did you finally realize it wasn't right

At the time, I probably would have rationalized what I was doing, but when I started hiding the communications from my husband is probably when I realized it wasn't right. Previously, I had been completely transparent with all my online interactions.


why did you not have that realization before the communication with the OM started?

I'm not sure how to answer this one. Was it wrong from the beginning? I don't think so. It was a platonic internet friendship that my husband knew about and was okay with. Once it became wrong (when I stopped being transparent), I was too weak to end the friendship and I allowed it to go further.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I came on here defensive too. You want personal stories? I lied to my BH for years. I tried to "heal myself" but all I did was compartmentalize.

We see people come in and out of here every day. A few stay. Many leave.

It is fucking hard to face the truth. So many can't hack it.

I get it. I am stubborn and a bit (ok, a lot) self-righteous. I thought I could do it alone.

But when I realized the man I loved was slipping away, I looked here for help.

You know what helped me the most? The people that pissed me off. Challenged me. There was truth in their words. I didn't want to hear it. It is amazing that I stuck around. I would sweat and shake when I read responses that hurt me or judged me.

They told me to pull up my big girl pants. That I wasn't special or unique in my luuurve for the OM.

They were right.

My BH reacted differently than I imagined he would. He was so disengaged from me, I figured he didn't care. He raged, he cried, and he fucking fought for me.

And I for him.

So please, the reason we are harsh on you is we see it here. All the time. We want you to succeed, not fall back in the mire.

So put on the big girl pants and buck up. You don't have to follow a timeline. But just stick around and learn.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Hi LL,

I''ve still been watching and reading through all the posts. There are elements that remind me of my situation back last spring/summer. I originally joined another site after the first time I cheated but it was awful. I would compare it to a pack of BSs trying to make a skin coat out of me. I ran away from that site after a few days and then continued to be a wayward. Then I got to a point that was close to a rock bottom. I didn''t know it yet but SI helped create the rock bottom for me just like an intervention.

Just like this thread I had many wise folks post on my threads. Some were harsh but I needed that too. I didn''t want to hear some of it but it was needed. I think you need to hear and listen to what is being posted to you. Think of this as an intervention. You think you can handle this problem on your own. Stop the affair addiction because you want to as you know it''s not right. Sure you went NC for now. But what about the future. Start thinking as this is the first day of the rest of your life. Seriously. This could really be a new start to the rest of your life. Surrender yourself to the process and trust that its going to be the right thing to do. Your situation is not unique, sure there are things to your story that are yours truly but everyone here has walked in your shoes in some way shape or form.

Now what about the fallout? Start giving your BH more credit. I didn''t at first. I thought I would be thrown out on my ass when I confessed. I was ready. But I knew that I couldn''t control the outcome of my confession. It was freeing. I knew if I laid it all on the table and left the decision up to my BH that''s all I could do. He processed the information in a way I didn''t expect. He knew he wanted to save the marriage and keep me. We went to MC and have worked hard at improving our relationship. It has not been easy bit I feel like confessing to him has saved my life with him. I can live honestly and know that he''s here with me because he still chooses me and I choose him. It''s wonderful.

If you don''t confess, you will have a piece of you always nagging. Wondering that if your husband knew the truth, what would he do? Is our life real? Would he leave or love me still? Your husband deserves to know what has been going on in his life.

I do hope you stick around. No one here is saying to confess today or tomorrow or even next week. I know that you need time to go through some emotions and thoughts. Plan your confession. Do some more reading, posting, counselling. All is helpful.


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 764 | Registered: Jul 2012
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Deeply scared: I already apologized for being snarky and acknowledged that others are trying to help.

I'm not sure why you feel that I'm in denial but thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Just the fact that you have to point me out confirms my thoughts that you're really snarky.

Good luck...I'm out.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196464 | Registered: May 2002
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Huh?! I was being sincere! If you look through my replies, I typically address the person to whom I'm speaking. You are an administrator so I thought there was a good possibility that you did not read all the replies. How could you possibly keep up on everything? I understand that and that's why I wanted you to know that I did apologize a few hours ago.

It's difficult to communicate over the internet.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

LL...

You are an administrator so I thought there was a good possibility that you did not read all
the replies.

Never assume anything...I hope you can continue to find support here.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 9:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196464 | Registered: May 2002
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I don't think this is the right place for me. I'll likely continue to read threads but that's it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Going to push a little more...your husband knew about your online friendship, at what point did the communication go from things you would be comfortable talking about with this guy in front of your husband to hiding the things you were talking about, or the frequency?

The online build up is, or can be non-sexual, but I'm here to tell you that there is such thing as an emotional affair and it doesn't have to be sexual to be considered an affair. I had an EA only. Never had a PA despite my earlier comment in this thread.

So, if your BH had been talking to another woman as much as you had been talking to the OM before you first had sex, would you have wanted to know? Would you view it better if he had confessed or if you had found out yourself?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Well luckyllama... SI is only the right place for someone who wants to heal honestly with support from others. It is not a happy place for someone who thinks their affair should be kept a secret from their spouse and get pats on the back for saving their feelings. Hell no. Maybe I should mention I found one of those forums too. The sneaky bastard cheating forums that helps you hide affairs. I would point it out to you but that horrible website got shut down because the owner was disgusted by the members. Apparently there are a lot of people out there that flocked to that site to find ways to bullet proof their affair and justify it all. They all supported each other in a bad way. Oh you poor thing, you had a dday. Let me help you find a way to go underground... Blah. I gross myself out for knowing every trick of the trade. Thankfully my confession and honesty to my husband was more important than living a lie.

I wish you well. Your story brought tears to my eyes and I hope you find the strength to save yourself. We will be here for you if needed with no judging. We all had our moments of being there.


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 764 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Thats really unfortunate LL...I personally think you could gain alot, if you weren't so defensive.

I wish you well on your journey..but hope you decide to stay here.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196464 | Registered: May 2002
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I'm a fledgling FWW and recently confessed multiple affairs going back from 21 years to 5 years ago. This week I handed over a complete timeline and lurid details that had me cringing as I wrote them, knowing my H would be reading those words.

My H was also disconnected and disengaged. But not anymore. He wanted to know everything, and this is from a man who never ever questioned my old habits of being out till 4am in the morning, and who offhandedly commented during a conversation "well I assume you've been faithful" and quickly moved on to something else.

Yesterday, he made me look him in the eyes as I smashed a bottle of perfume that the OM had brought me 7 years ago. I didnt think he even noticed it as it had been sitting in a cupboard and I'd never worn it.

But now he notices everything.

I was like you Llama. The thought of confessing my affairs was so ludicrous, and my fear so great, that anyone suggesting that it was EXACTLY what I needed to do, would have been guffawed at.

But as it turned out, it was exactly what I needed to do. As our relationship now is showing.

My H now knows exactly who he is loving, and what he can forgive. The fact he is still here and telling me how awful it is that I could debase myself so badly with men who didn't deserve me, is the most loving thing anyone has ever said to me. And generous, considering his own pain at my betrayals.

This site is unique in that the people on here give freely of their time, experience and yes, love, to those of us struggling through the mire of infidelity. And as waywards, we know truth is often missing from our lives, and when given, not always well received.

I hope for your sake, you can feel the love and caring behind people's words on here, because that is where they come from.

Good luck.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Going to push a little more...your husband knew about your online friendship, at what point did the communication go from things you would be comfortable talking about with this guy in front of your husband to hiding the things you were talking about, or the frequency?

Even when the chat conversations were too long, there was nothing said that I'd be uncomfortable with my husband reading. It was platonic but not appropriate because I shouldn't have spend an hour talking online.

It definitely turned into an emotional affair and then a physical affair...and I agree with you that an emotional affair is still an affair.

if your BH had been talking to another woman as much as you had been talking to the OM before you first had sex, would you have wanted to know?

No, I wouldn't want to know. That's probably not the "right" answer but I wouldn't.

Would you view it better if he had confessed or if you had found out yourself?

Given the choices of him confessing or me finding out myself, I'd rather he confess.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Just woke up in my part of the world and caught up on this thread.

I sincerely acknowledge all the efforts that veteran fWW put into fresh fWW, the thing is sometimes it's just too soon to start absorbing these pearls of wisdom because the hurt is too much.

The rate and intensity of withdrawal is different for every person. It hurts like hell. I personally feel like I convinced myself I had withdrew from AP as this is where I "should" be by now and from feeling guilty for still having feelings for him. I wish I didn't but there are mega triggers right now and I can't avoid them (major developments in the country he lives in and it's on the news every single day, people talk about it every day, AP and I used to spend hours talking about it as he's personally involved in it). So, as much as I can go about life avoiding any triggers, some are in my face and I have to deal with them.

This sets me off and I get very sad. I've started crying again this week, when I haven't even done this for weeks and weeks. I thought I was getting stronger but it would seem I've had a set back and perhaps this is ok as long as I deal with it in a healthy way.

What I've realised is I'm not in a good emotional space to start working on things with my H. I'm taking out my anger on him that's actually directed at xAP for throwing me under the bus. I still haven't dealt with the rejection and abandonment related to that. Both the issues need to be separated. I need to heal and get stronger before I start dealing with my M as the issues are getting blurred and it's actually making issues in my M worse. There's too much transference, and as my H isn't ready to start talking about the A just yet, I need to figure those things out internally and with my SI friends.

It was a thread I started on SI that helped me understand that I'm mixing up the issues and need to chill for a while.

llama and I and people like us need tough love (especially me as I tend to fantasise alot). We need perspective and reality checking BUT we would also benefit from a little bit of nurturing from fWW's who KNOWS how withdrawal feels (even if their withdrawal was instant they still had to withdraw).

I wish I could have a virtual version of sitting around with gf's, eating ice cream, being depressed, after all that's part of the weaning process of any break-up. Just for a few vents to be able to hear, "yes, it's fucking hard and it sucks, but now let's focus on how you're gonna make things better". Self-pity? Perhaps. But that's where I'm at right now.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm no where near the indifferent stage that I'm aiming for. It's going to take time and I'm inpatient. I'm doing the whole rubber band thing, avoiding reading or watching the news, posting regualarly but I'm still very bruised and hurting at the way it all ended. I'm still trying to process it. I need friends who I can talk to about this as IRL I have none.

Sorry LLama, don't mean to hijack your thread. Maybe I'll start one of my own.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

No Contact isn't just physical. It's mental. What is withdrawal? Getting rid of and getting over something that is bad for you right? People deal with withdrawals from sugar, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, shoes, poor spending habits, Beanie Baby obsessions, people, the list goes on.

The difference is these are not taboo topics. If I was withdrawing from the above I'd have a number of people I could talk to about them. I wouldn't need an anonymous forum for support. I could talk to the post-man about how I'm craving a cigarette and wear my nicorette patch. I could talk to my mum, dad, husband, sister, friend, colleague, kids about how I need their support in me not somking anymore. I can't do that when I'm withdrawing from an AFFAIR partner hence why I come to other waywards. Not for sympathy but for support and venting and of course for some gentle reflection.

And as for not letting go of spouse whilst withdrawing from xAP being selfish, well I have said on many occasions, that's been my hugest failings. I have selfish tendencies and I'm trying hard to be a bit more selfless. My H and I share a dynamic where he fuels my selfish behaviour and we have talked about this together. I call it boundaries, he calls it selfishness. Anyway, we are addressing it together. Needless to say, selfishness is one thing most WW's have in common otherwise we wouldn't have affairs in the first place.

I get where people are coming from and I appreciate it. It's from a place of "Please woman, I've been there, I know what you need to do to heal, just do it and you'll be fine, benefit from me so my pain and hard work is not in vain"

I feel the same when I'm telling people to go NC. Encouraging them, telling them they'll be ok, because I know that was the right thing to do and I can start the journey of not being a wayward anymore. But it took me a while and I did it when I was ready. I had the goal in sight, but was always just too scared to do it.

I am benefiting from this site. Thanks to everyone.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

The fact he is still here and telling me how awful it is that I could debase myself so badly with men who didn't deserve me, is the most loving thing anyone has ever said to me.

This brought tears to my eys, ophelia. I remember thinking that exactly during my own gut wrenching talks with my husband. This is true love, not shallow affair fantasy, but real, "I value you" love.

I wish I could have a virtual version of sitting around with gf's, eating ice cream, being depressed, after all that's part of the weaning process of any break-up. Just for a few vents to be able to hear, "yes, it's fucking hard and it sucks, but now let's focus on how you're gonna make things better". Self-pity? Perhaps. But that's where I'm at right now.

trying, this scene is for a single woman after a break up and mourning the loss and loneliness of having no partner now. Your reality is you HAVE a husband who loved and valued you enough to marry you, and make you the only woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. While you are sitting there romantisizing about the man you degraded yourself to have an affair with, your husband is choking on pain from the knife you stabbed into his heart when he trusted you to keep it safe. He just found out that when he thought you were his trusted partner that he adored as the most special woman to him, you were actually lying to him and sneaking behind his back to go have sex with another man and humiliate him. In llama's case, the BH doesn't even know he's been utterly disrespected and humiliated by the woman he still thinks is his partner. Have you thought of how much your husband hurts or will hurt? I've seen first hand my husband curling up into a ball of tears for days after I confessed, the pain and anger in his eyes crushing. How well does this soul breaking pain on your BH fit into your self pity?

I've been where you are, trying to end things and stop thinking about the OM on my own while hiding everything from my husband. It led me to go from an EA that lasted years to a PA, all while telling myself "I won't see him again". When the PA happened, I was shocked at what I did, and angry that the OM could disrespect me so much to help me dishonor my marriage. Even then I didn't cut off contact when guilt was eating me up. I waited 5 months to confess, one night when I couldn't face my husband looking at me with such love anymore. The pain that registered on him, the following sleepless, soul crushing painful questions about details of my affair - all this from a man that was always strong, that snapped me out of it like nothing did before. It made me realize who REALLY loved me: my husband. Not the OM who cared nothing about my honor or his. It's been almost three years since dday, but it still makes my heart constrict at the thought of what I put my husband thru.

I hope you wake up to realize the real love you are taking for granted before it's too late, the husband that honors you with faithfulness. He is the one worthy of your heart, not the shallow affair fantasy.

[This message edited by burntashes at 1:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s DD: 7 together 14 years, married 13
LTA
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.
Moved back together.

Posts: 352 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

We need perspective and reality checking BUT we would also benefit from a little bit of nurturing from fWW's who KNOWS how withdrawal feels (even if their withdrawal was instant they still had to withdraw).

Every WS on here KNOWS how withdrawal feels. We were all hooked on the same drug, craving the same with the same highs and lows. It hurts and it's sucks. That's the price you pay. Its the price weve all paid - and a minor price compared to what our BSs went/go through everday. We chose that drug and chose to have that high. We therefore chose the withdrawal by default. They didn't get a choice. We chose for them. And you're still chosing for your BS.

Both of you (T33 and LL) spend a lot time on here talking about how ready and prepared you need to be before dealing with your BS or confessing. That's still selfish wayward thinking at its finest. Your still making unilateral decisions about a relationship that is supposed to involved 2 people equally...that's you and your BS. Instead you and your AP are actually making the choices.

LL, so you don't believe you should confess until you're emotionally and mentally ready. You also are adament you won't get found out. Fine. So how does your plan work for when you do tell him? Because here's the thing - when you tell him, he's going to want to know when, how long, who with, all the gory details. He'll want a timeline....and then you have to tell him you stopped it x time ago and chose not to tell him - in his own best interests....

You see how's that going to go? It only gets worse - you'll be lying for longer and he will look back and all those times you were together as one great big F8*&$ing lie. His life has been a lie from that first illicit message on FB until the day you decided it's right to confess.

Aubrie couldn't be more right - she confessed because HE had a right to know who he was married to. If you had any respect for your BS you'd afford him the same courtesy. Hiding behind getting "ready" to confess is bullshit. It's another wayward excuse. If you actually put yourself in his shoes and want to save the marriage (pr give it the best shot anyhow) then confess - sooner rather than later.

Sure you may well reconcile after the delay, but damn sure you're just delaying the inevitable and hurting your BS with whom you wish to now reconcile with more and more every day - one of those days will be his breaking point; his dealbreaker. Only you won't know because YOUR chosing for him, you'll only know when it's too late.

I know you don't want to hear it from the WSs. That's ok, nor did I when I got on here. So go and read the JFO forum or general where BSs do post about the pain of discovery and how they felt about the lies and delay. SO often you'll read words to this effect "It wasn't the A itself; its the continual lying - the unilateral decision making...." THEN decide on whether holding out's a good plan.

I didn't confess. I was caught. I lied and cheated for a good while afterwards. I was made to post here and a term of R. I hated it because I was "bullied" with stuff like this. Then I tried to take te advice and found the "bullying" was actally support. It's not bullying here - it's incredibly well moderated and protected as it's a very emotional place. It's your mindset right now that makes our posts seem like bullying. We know you'll only do what you want, which is probably why DeeplyScared posted what she did - it's just disappointment and frustration. We're pretty sure we know how this' will play out - it's just the details that'll change. YOU can change this path. YOU can be a better person, but your chosing selfish everyday.

Facing your shit NEVER gets easier. In fact it's the dredging through the past deatils and trying to explain WHY you did't tell that is really shit.

Pays your money, makes your choice.

Of course, this advice is only valid if you are GENUINELY planning to tell him. If not, then life is easy. You'll get over the OM, throw yourself back into your marriage, he will never know. It will get easier and easier NOT to tell him and harder and harder to face telling the truth. Because you'll think "why rock the boat". Except your life will be bullshit. A fallacy. As make believe as any other made up story. any work you do on your marriage will be false, because it will all be based on lies. And then one day you might just do it again. After all, none of us INTENDED to have an affair when we got married. Or maybe one day he actually does find out. Then as everyone has pointed out, everything you do up to that point will be seen as lies, wasted time.

It boils down to a simple question. Do you want to live a life of honesty, and look at yourself in the mirror knowing you have made some terrible decisions but have had the courage to face the ramifications of those decisions, and have dedicated yourself to being a better person, and a better wife. Or do you want to have a marriage based on lies and deception, and look in the mirror knowing that you are the cause and that one day it may all just come crashing down around you. It's your life, and only you have the power to pick the path.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 2:29 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
starrysky
Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Hi again luckyllama,

I have quite a bit to say but I'm exhausted, so I'll be back tomorrow with more but wanted to say something quickly. Please, please reconsider going elsewhere for advice/guidance/support instead of staying here at SI. Before I found SI, I was posting on another message board that does have a separate section for waywards (both still actively in A's & those not), however, there was no "protection" from the moderators/admins on what was said & by whom. I was called every name in the book, told I should do my husband a favor & jump in front of a train and so on. Thankfully, I found SI and I've never left, 8 years after DDay. You may not like what's being said to you, but rest assured, no one is saying things to hurt you, make fun of you, trying to make you feel worse about yourself or anything of the sort. We've ALL been where you are, though our stories may be different in some ways they are alike in one way, we all had an affair. Everyone here posts in the hopes of helping someone else, at least that's why I'm here. It's been 8 years since the day I confessed & I'm still here to help others the way I was helped, even if I didn't want to hear what people were saying to me.

There is a wealth of information here and an overwhelming amount of kind, intelligent, caring posters who want the best for you. Please stay, continue to post, take the advice you want & leave the rest..I promise it's worth it.


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, May 9th (Thursday)


llama and I and people like us need tough love (especially me as I tend to fantasise alot). We need perspective and reality checking BUT we would also benefit from a little bit of nurturing from fWW's who KNOWS how withdrawal feels (even if their withdrawal was instant they still had to withdraw).

Trying, I went through withdrawl for a year. Poor me. Pity party. I was also thrown under the bus, like you.

There is a wonderful old thread by Maia about this topic.

There is no way to "properly" mourn the AP because it's like mourning when the villian in the blockbuster dies. Everytime you are crying for him, think about what your BH would think if he knew. You say he is disconnected, try telling him the truth about why you are crying.

You have to logic your way out. Force the mental NC. There's no easy way.
Reliving an experience thhat should be shameful, not a-ma-zing, is something you can make a conscious effort to avoid.

You think about the AP? Go for a run. Clean something. Snap a rubber band on your wrist (this is is great). Organize a closet. Watch a movie. Call your Mom. Occupy yourself. Time and deliberate attention to stopping mental contact is key.

We don't get to cry and watch the Notebook and eat ice cream. It's not a breakup. It's cheating.

Nurturing is for kittens and babies. Time for us to grow up.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Trying (and llama too), the deal is that you are wanting to stay where you are at, mourning the loss, until you are ready to move forward. We all get that, but what is frustrating is that you seem to think that you have to finish that process before moving in any other direction. That is where you are both wrong, and it doesn’t change at all with the fact that every person has to do things their own way, at least not with this one thing.

Trying, turn off the TV or the radio or whatever it is that keeps the OM triggers coming at you daily. Yes, there are going to be triggers that are unavoidable, but as long as you are actively working on dealing with them, the source, your reaction, your sharing these difficult emotions with your BH, then you are heading in the right direction. I guess the question is, what is your idea of dealing them in a healthy way?

Your thoughts of dealing with the anger toward the xAP and the rejection/abandonment of being thrown under the bus are also wrong. You want to work through that? Tell your BH about it. That will be the best way to get through those emotions, because at the end of the day, you aren’t really mourning the loss of the AP, you are mourning the loss of your source of the high, which is actually the A, not the AP.

I used to think that the A was unique to the AP, that it couldn’t have happened with anyone else, and that made it seem special in some way. Well, I’ve done a bit of work over the years, and eventually came to realize that the AP really could have been anyone. It was just a weird circumstance that led to me having an EA with an xHSGF. It took a long time to realize that my wayward behaviors started a long time before the actual A, which is why I’m asking some basic, pointed questions of luckyllama.

Llama, you say that you would not want to have known if your H was talking to OW before leading up to a sexual encounter. There are BS’s here who wished they had never known, at least to some degree, but once the A is out, there is no going back, and most of those BS’s who would have been happy never knowing realize that they never knew their spouse who was capable of inflicting so much pain. EA’s are a bad as PA’s. Sort of depends on the individual. Also, as you see in your case, EA’s are often just a precursor to a PA. So, you not wanting to know, well, it isn’t a matter of right or wrong, it’s a matter of what would have happened differently if you had known. Would the PA have actually happened? Would your BH have realized that he was about to have a very different life than what he thought he had? Would things have changed before they got worse? See…he never had a chance to make any kind of decision about that. And, in the case of PA’s, the BS is know exposed to the threat of STD’s no matter how “careful” the WS and AP are with protection, nothing is 100%. Also, What would have happened had you become pregnant?

Anyway, I feel like I’ve gotten off-track…

You don’t have to be indifferent today. In fact, you can’t be. You’re right, it’s just too soon to work through all of this shit. But you can’t let yourself sit in this mourning the AP phase, because that is just a way for you to hold onto the dregs of a failed relationship which is the most hurtful type of experience that you could ever push onto your BS. And instead of owning up to that, you want to sit and eat ice cream and “process” all of those strong emotions associated with the A and the AP. You can’t continue to do that to your BS. And, from experience, the best way to work through those emotions is to expose them to your BS. Seeing what kind of reaction your BS has will put those emotions into a new reality where you start associating the lovey-dovey stuff from the A with the heart-wrenching pain of your BS. That will help get rid of some of those triggers…

Trying, back to the NC/withdrawal/addiction subject, those other things are as much a taboo as an A. Really, how many people talk openly about their addictions? For the person collecting Beanie Babies to the alcoholic to the sugar addict, those folks who actually have those problems are no more open to talking about them with others than you are talking about the A. Don’t diminish others problems.

So, being ready vs. doing it now. You know what? You guys are right. A WS is only going to be able to work at their own pace. Some hate the AP right away, others mourn. Some throw the AP under the bus, others are thrown under the bus by the AP. We really do get that everybody works on their own timeline. If you look back at all of these posts though, and not just on this thread, but most new WS’s, the frustrations come out when those new WS’s start saying “well, I may not know what to do but you need to convince me that your path is the correct one.” It’s bullshit and we go through it again and again trying to break through that barrier. No, you aren’t going to suddenly “get it” today. But the resistance and justification as to why you’re situation and process are special and unique is beyond frustrating. Yet we still try. Definition of crazy anyone?

Trying, you should start a thread of your own rather than rallying with llama.

Llama, the one line that stands out in this entire thread is “be humble.”

Both of you have it within you to change so that you are doing the right thing, both for yourself and for your BH. You’re both smart. Take your time. But listen. Even if you don’t agree, just listen. The cumulative years of experience of those posting to each of you is pretty awesome. If you’re not ready to “agree” with us, that’s fine, but don’t try to argue with us that your way and your situation is any different than what we’ve been putting out there. We’ve seen so many others come through the SI doors trying to do things differently than what the general consensus says works best, and they either disappear or they come back with their “well, you guys were right” post. The same thing actually happens on the BS side too. All the time.

Oh, and trying33, you telling people to go NC is actually a great way to reinforce those things that you may not be 100% ready to do. It feels hypocritical sometimes, especially early on when you are having problems with NC yourself, but the practice of saying it out loud (via keystrokes) is a good one. It shows you know what to do even if you have a hard time doing it yourself right now. It will get better.


[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 7:35 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

You don’t have to be indifferent today. In fact, you can’t be. You’re right, it’s just too soon to work through all of this shit. But you can’t let yourself sit in this mourning the AP phase, because that is just a way for you to hold onto the dregs of a failed relationship which is the most hurtful type of experience that you could ever push onto your BS. And instead of owning up to that, you want to sit and eat ice cream and “process” all of those strong emotions associated with the A and the AP. You can’t continue to do that to your BS. And, from experience, the best way to work through those emotions is to expose them to your BS. Seeing what kind of reaction your BS has will put those emotions into a new reality where you start associating the lovey-dovey stuff from the A with the heart-wrenching pain of your BS. That will help get rid of some of those triggers…[/quote]

Absorbed this. At present unable to expose such emotions to H, he is not ready to hear them.

Both of you have it within you to change so that you are doing the right thing, both for yourself and for your BH. You’re both smart. Take your time. But listen. Even if you don’t agree, just listen. The cumulative years of experience of those posting to each of you is pretty awesome

I'm listening and registering to every single word people say. It is not in vain. Thanks for all your input everybody.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

At present unable to expose such emotions to H, he is not ready to hear them.
trying, how do you know this?


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I usually try to respond to each person individually but there are so many responses this morning and not all of them are directed at me so I'll just say, I'm making progress and I'm moving on. I'm not an overly emotional person. I'm the last person to want a pity party. When I told the other guy that I couldn't continue and that there will be no contact, I cried a little as I walked away but after that, I haven't cried once. I miss him but I'm doing fine. I'm a problem-solver by nature.

More than anything I think I was looking for someone to talk to. Like trying33, I have no one IRL I feel comfortable sharing this with. I got it out here and I'm not sure if it was the right place or not.

Maybe I present myself poorly, or I misinterpret what is said, but I feel things are being attributed to me that aren't accurate. I'm conflicted as to whether I should clarify because when I try, I come across as defensive. Communication obviously is not my gift so working through this on a forum most likely is not the right thing for me.

I'm introspective and I like reading the threads. If I had been able to find a forum "search" feature, I probably wouldn't have posted at all.

[This message edited by luckyllama at 11:23 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Yeah, there is not a search option because this site needs to be kept as anonymous as each individual makes it. There are some not-so-nice people who come on here from time to time with the intent to seek out certain individuals.

You communicate just fine. But defending a position is not really necessary, and that is where I think most of the issues have come from. Like has been said many time, take what you need and leave the rest. That includes reading something and not responding if you feel that defensiveness creeping in. Even if you don't mean it as defensive, obviously that is what is being perceived.

In most of our opinions, there is no better place on the internet for a WS than here. Believe it or not, it is safe. Now, if it is something you aren't ready to hear, then that is a different matter. That doesn't mean it isn't a safe place, it just means that you aren't ready to hear it, and that is when backing away from a thread is an option, rather than digging into a particular viewpoint/perspective.

I do hope that you see the healing possibilities here. We all wish for the best outcome for you.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

BaxtersBFF: I tried to send you a PM but you are at your limit. I apologize in advance if communicating with one member within a thread is frowned on here.

I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to respond. Your questions were thoughtful and I can tell you sincerely wanted to help me. That's not to say that others didn't. I guess your approach was better suited for my personality. You certainly are a good "guide."


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

That makes sense; I can see why a search feature wouldn't be a good idea.

Hahaha, my communication must suck because I didn't mean defending a position. I'm just going to let it go because I hate being overly wordy.

Thanks again.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Whoops...I didn't know I was at the limit. I've cleaned it out. PM or here, either way is okay.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, May 10th (Friday)

trying, how do you know this?

Because he's told me. His last comment to me regarding the EA was "I'd rather draw a line under this and forgive your slip of guard and move on"

He's not ready to talk about it. He tends to allude to it but when I try to elaborate shuts down again. It's obviously on his mind and he's trying to deal with it internally. I've recieved some great advice and guidance on this on other SI posts, namely, let him be until he's ready and when he is, be ready for what's to come.

I'm respecting his wish as when I've hounded him in the past it's backfired. It only made him further withdraw. In the meantime, I'm working on me.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I'd rather draw a line under this and forgive your slip of guard and move on

Sounds like he's trying to rugsweep rather than deal with this internally to me....not a healthy coping strategy.

I get that there is a fine line between pushing someone to deal with stuff they aren't ready to; but an EA isn't the kind of thing you can draw a line under and move on - and if he deccribes it as a "slip of your guard" that's a worry to me...it's not a slip it's a fat big leap into disaster.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Sounds like he's trying to rugsweep rather than deal with this internally to me....not a healthy coping strategy.
I get that there is a fine line between pushing someone to deal with stuff they aren't ready to; but an EA isn't the kind of thing you can draw a line under and move on - and if he deccribes it as a "slip of your guard" that's a worry to me...it's not a slip it's a fat big leap into disaster.

Well exactly, hence my need and urgency to address the disaster to which I face a blank wall in my H.

Hope this gives you some insight into the state of my M at present. It's frustrating.

And yes, I agree, it is worrying.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

This might be simplistic, or not possible, but can you leave books and articles laying around on the coffee tables or countertops? Books like Not Just Friends or How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair? Maybe print off articles from SI and leave them around? Might be seen as passive aggressive, or you might have kids you don't want to see this stuff. It might be something that he decides to pick up and read (deal with) in a way that he would also feel comfortable setting the book down if he feels he still isn't ready. It would also maybe show him that it is something that you feel a need to work on.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Ll,

I am curious as to why now? Why have you decided to stop this A now? Has something changed with you or your M?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

tired girl: Because I finally got the strength to just end it. I never wanted it to go as far as it did. I was lonely and the EA met that need (wrong, I know). The AP fell in love with me and wanted more. I let it progress to a physical affair because I was too weak to walk away. The more serious the AP got, the more I backed away. The last thing I wanted to do was get a divorce and then get married again. A Facebook friend's post actually made me do a lot of thinking (and it wasn't even about infidelity) and then I finally mustered up the strength to end things.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Maybe I am jumping too far ahead here and if I am tell me. But it sounds as if you are already in a place where you understand that this whole thing was not about your AP, but about what was wrong with you. Am I correct?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Tired girl: Yes, you are correct.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Can I ask what you are doing to get to the bottom of what caused you to do this? Does your H know what steps you are taking to try to fix yourself?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 13th (Monday)

tired girl: I'm pretty sure I already know what caused me to do it. Now, I just need to do something about it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 13th (Monday)

LuckyLlama, I am so close to where you are right now...except my H recently caught me. Haven't had the nerve to update my previous thread (I was not feeling very welcomed either), but I was busted a few weeks ago. But still justifying my A to myself and my husband--who initially took a lot of the blame (I can relate to the TV thing in your OP) because he's just that sweet.

Like you I very much liked and respected my AP and I miss him. But I had to go NC to make my M work. It has only been like a week, but I am committed to devoting myself to my marriage.

I get (internally) defensive about my AP when my H disparages him as a cheating scumbag. Which is horrible, awful of me and I hope to someday be able to view him that way...but right now I don't. He's "a great guy" who is trapped in a loveless marriage. I know.

I am a deeply damaged person who has always had trouble feeling remorse, I think because I was molested as a little girl. Aside from the affair, I've never done anything really bad...but H and I agree I'm a little bit of a non-practicing sociopath. I've never gotten counseling because I have a 145 IQ and do not need anyone's help. I know.

Anyway, I read this thread with great interest. I can totally relate to a lot of what you said, and I do not blame you for it.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 13th (Monday)

20WrongsVs1: I'm sorry you are going through this; it's not a fun place to be.

I don't have any negative feelings toward my AP and I don't ever want to. Whatever bad is said of the other person, can't the same be said for us? Are we any less of a scumbag? Do we always want to be thought of that way?

It sounds like we have some other things in common too. I wish you and your husband the best. I hope it works out for you two.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Whatever bad is said of the other person, can't the same be said for us?

I believe so, at least at the time of the affair.

The difference, IMO, lies in remorse. Oftentimes, if the OP is not married, they behave even after D-day as if they have "no skin in the game" and therefore make no apologies for their behavior. My OM was single, and for a long time I was resentful that he got to skate, with no consequences and not even the personal feeling that he did anything wrong.

An affair takes two people to happen, but it only takes one to end it---or, better yet, only one to shut it down before it even goes there.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 13th (Monday)

heartbroken0903: I agree with you. I don't think my AP necessarily got to skate free though. He is in love with me and wants to marry me. He is left alone while I get to keep my husband. We each have consequences -- they are just different.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, May 13th (Monday)

I don't have any negative feelings toward my AP and I don't ever want to

Indifference is actually best. Is that a goal you are shooting for?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 13th (Monday)

tired girl: I never really thought about indifference being a goal. I'm just not one to hold on to negativity as I'd rather my heart be filled with love than hate.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 13th (Monday)

tired girl: I never really thought about indifference being a goal. I'm just not one to hold on to negativity as I'd rather my heart be filled with love than hate.

Indifference is not negativity or hate, and there is definitely a tone of "unlike you TG who sounds negative" in this response.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Absolutely not. tired girl has asked me several questions and I always try to reply. I don't think she sounds negative at all. I think she is trying to be helpful. If it sounds like I am implying that, tired girl, I apologize.

I agree that indifference is not the same. I was just saying the idea of being indifferent toward the AP had not crossed my mind as a goal.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
luckyllama
New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 13th (Monday)

I'm not coming across very well with my responses so I think it's best if I stop replying to questions.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Hi again LL.

I don't think you or TG has been negative. You say she is trying to help and you betcha she is. I just don't think you are ready for the help that TG can offer. She is a rockstar on this forum and so far has been good at keeping you engaged on your thread. But I just see you answering her questions with as little digging into yourself as possible. Sure you can see she is trying to help but you have your mind made up.

I have been happy to see that you are still on the site and hope that you might consider taking in more of the advice that has been given. Many of the who's who on this forum have poured their heart out to you in hopes of getting thru to you. I have been amazed at the support that is out there for you. I hope you have taken it allllllll in girl.


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 764 | Registered: Jul 2012
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, May 13th (Monday)

What I wrote doesn't mean I am 100% right Lama, I'm prepared to be wrong, however the last part of that sentence made me bristle with the underlying feeling of it having a "I'm better than that" attitude. And I decided to share that with you. Its not easy either putting yourself out there to be wrong, but I did. Everything we write is a risk of some sort, even if it is anonymous.

And it seems a common theme on this thread that when you don't like something someone says, or you feel misunderstood, you immediately threaten to stop posting. That seems somewhat childish to me.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 13th (Monday)

And in rereading what you wrote about negativity prior, your response to TG makes more sense now. Perhaps I am projecting some of my own frustration at what Messedupchick wrote about the lack of digging from you when something is put to you.

We all learning.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, May 13th (Monday)

So I get that indifference may not have seemed like a obvious goal. Often doesn't. If you are indifferent, then your AP is taking up literally no head or heart space for you. This is why it is actually a better place than negative feelings, and obviously feelings of still loving him or feeling fond of him.

How are you doing?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Whatever bad is said of the other person, can't the same be said for us? Are we any less of a scumbag? Do we always want to be thought of that way?

Unfortunately I am beginning to realize what a scumbag I am. Not a fun revelation. I took the easy path (blame husband and seek external fulfillment) instead of the right one (have a very difficult conversation about our M).

Can I offer my perspective, briefly, about telling your H? Currently I'm divided between wishing mine had never found out, and gratitude that it forced me to admit my feelings to him. Wishing he'd never found out, because my betrayal hurt him so deeply. Gratitude, because I have faith that we will come out closer and stronger than ever.

On the indifference topic: yes, I have evolved (since yesterday! LOL) and no longer think harboring ill will toward former AP is healthy. Others (in this thread I think and elsewhere) have wisely said replacing affection with disdain grants the former AP too much head/heart space. Yesterday (in midst of tough conversation with H) I was relieved to realize I didn't have to suppress an urge to reach out to former AP, because I genuinely didn't have the urge. Reconnecting with H has obviated that former need.

Trying to be succinct because I don't want to hijack your thread. At some point I may start one myself, but I can't yet. Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your experiences.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 123