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User Topic: incompatability issues?
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

So, as many of you may recall I have a new-ish SO. She is lovely and we get on so well.

More recently, she has been spending more time with my kids and that's been going well although the kids have their ups and downs with the general situation.

Early on in our relationship she told me of her wish to adopt a child. I was clear at that point that adoption was not something I wanted for myself, but that I would be supportive.

Things moved forward a bit and then the adoption issue went quiet - for more than 6 months. It came up again last night with SO saying how hard it is to adopt as a single person. I found this hard, and felt like I was letting her down by not doing this with her. I expressed myself badly and things escalated into a huge fight.

She feels hurt and I feel wretched - truth is I have been selfish in looking at this from my point of view and not hers. She has a driving need to do this and who am I to get in the way of this?

On the other hand, my anxiety about it is related to my own kids and the fact that I know I don't want more kids. Of course, it wouldn't be my child - it would be hers, but if our relationship is to progress - living together etc, then it does have implications for me and for my kids. I can't pretend otherwise. She feels I am being unfair - she has to deal with my situation (two kids, XW etc) and I am not prepared to deal with her adopting. I can see her point but I'm not sure she sees mine.

Thing is, how can this move forward now? Can it?

Any thoughts/ advice/ support gratefully received. I love her and right now I'm all over the place.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I don't have any advice, I think this is a difficult situation to be in, but you have to listen to your gut, if you feel like you can't accept her decision then it's time to move on.

Ask yourself this though, if you had met her and started a relationship knowing she had a child (either bio or adopted), you would have to accept that child as a part of the package of being in a relationship with her. She is accepting your package.

I guess she needs to be clear and understand that you will not be this future child's co-parent or step parent right now. After all she is not your children's co-parent or step-parent right now.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I'm confused about actions/intentions. Did she bring this up as a fishing expedition to get you to commit to a relationship with her so that she could more easily adopt and raise a child?

Or did you react by saying you're not happy about her plans to do this because they could impact you?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20151 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

To me it sounds like you are trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. "Being supportive" of her adopting but not wanting it for yourself, yet still talking about progressing the relationship by moving in together makes absolutely no sense.

Her whining about how hard it is to adopt as a single person sounds like a p/a way of hinting that she'd like to get married so that the adoption takes place when she's part of a couple, so she's ignoring your needs.

I don't think you're being selfish. You clearly indicated your desire not to adopt in the beginning. She probably thought she could change your mind, and now it sounds like she's trying to guilt you into changing it (and being somewhat successful?)

Some things are just deal breakers, and no matter how much you love the person, you need to walk away.

I'd also be really careful about her "oopsing" you -- make sure you maintain total physical control over the condoms.

(((velveteer))) Good luck -- I know it's tough when you have completely incompatible goals.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Dec 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

My old boss was in a similar boat years ago. He had 2 teenage girls and a 13 years younger partner. He was done having children. For her her own children was not negotiable.

I say to you what I said to him.

You are both right. That is what is so awful about this.

This is not something to be argued about or raged about or hurt about.

You are both right.

In a fight if i you surrender you will resent her. If she surrenders she will resent you.

You are both right.

Whatever you each decide it needs to be for yourselves.

If you decide to go down her path you need to own it as YOUR decision. For you.

If she decides to go down your path she needs to own it as HER decision. For her.

As it happens he went down her path. He loves his little boys. Their relationship is rocky at best because he did not make the decision for him. He made it for her. She pays for it on a regular basis.

I know with absolute certainty that I would make it 10000% clear to any SO well before integrating them into my childrens lives that I will never, ever, ever have any more children. I will never consider it. It is not up for discussion.

It turns into a fight because one or both of you did not make it crystal clear and/or have not stood resolutely behind your decision.

Hell, it may be that one or both of you have not made that decision.

One of those is why you find yourself here now.

Make a decision. For you. If it is different to her decision its not because she is wrong. Its because you are wrong for each other.

Sorry if this comes across as a 2x4. I see how people get themselves into these sticky situations and maybe I'm being overly harsh because I am a woman of a certain age so its kind of a moot point for me (I sure as hell hope so!) but how on earth did you go this far with involving your kids and all without resolving this issue once and for all?

That isn't a jab - its a genuine question. I'd like to know in case I'm missing something huge and maybe I'm not guaranteed to avoid this same situation myself one day.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5555 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

thanks all

SBB - I think you have hit the nail on the head - we are both right. I understand this and that is exactly why it is so hard. Nobody has wronged the other here.

How did it get to this? Well, we discussed it in the past (and almost split up as a result some time back). At that point, I felt that I was thinking about it wrongly - that what she was talking about was US adopting when in fact she was and is only talking about HER adopting. So I started to think about it in different terms such as what if she already had a child etc. She is accepting my package, why not accept hers? Its not me that adopting. This was much earlier in our relationship and she had not, for example, met my kids.

Then it all went quiet. She had put it 'on hold' and I found out last night that she had done this 'for me'. Except she hadn't told me that.

Meanwhile our relationship progressed and I started introducing her to the kids, and all had been going well. Then the adoption issue come up again. She is dismayed that I am struggling to get my head around it.

I guess that we have both to some extent ignored this elephant in the room. Maybe deep down, I have worried that this is a deal breaker issue - its a fundamental on which we have different viewpoints.

We have not been planning to move in and in fact she has always given the impression of being very independent in this respect. But - it is me thinking further down the line here. If we were going to move in, how would that pan out when I have been clear that I don't see myself having more kids.

But - she would say that this is not about ME having any more kids - it is about her. But how can this not have implications for me and for my kids too? It just seems to go around and around.

In the heat of our discussions last night I also learned that she still feels that she is not my top priority and that she gets pushed aside - hasn't seen enough of my kids. I understand that this must be hard, but we HAVE been steadily taking that forward. She had a shot at me about her not seeing them a couple of weekends ago, but that was because, as a result of events on my XWW's side, they were very wobbly. I decided as a father that what they needed that weekend was to be with me and just me. Not happy about that, even when I explained.

I am probably guilty of being over protective, but I would rather that than the alternative.

I feel gutted right now, and really unsure of how to proceed.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

When there's something big like this everything else gets magnified too.

Its a way to avoid the big hurt by focussing on the little hurts instead.

Its the same for the way you have tried to minimise the potential impact on you and your children.

A woman who already has kids is a whole other kettle of fish to someone who is not yet a mother and becomes a mother during your relationship. You know this - you've been there.

It goes around and around because you are both right.

My old boss told his GF he didn't want the hassle of more kids, he didn't want to go through babydom, nappies, baby-proofing - such a pain in the arse, etc. etc. etc.

I asked him what his REAL reason was.

He said he was scared. Scared that their relationship would end and he would break those childrens hearts as well as his own. He was unwilling to go through that again (sidenote: he was a WH in his first M, I believe he will be a WH again someday).

I don't know what advice to give.

Do you sit her down and tell her you are both right. You've reached an impasse.

You are not witholding anything from her any more than she is imposing something on you.

This is exactly the kind of thing dealbreakers are made of.

What is it exactly that you are afraid of? I mean really, honestly. Change is inevitable. Your kids will adapt. You're not taking into account the richness potentially added to their lives by a new sibling. So what is your "Why?".

I know what she is afraid of - I say that as a woman who was never broody, didn't have that drive for children so patently obvious in others. I would not have understood it before. I only know what she is afraid of now that I am a mum. You know the shit she would missing but you also know the bliss she is potentially missing.

Tough situation friend. The decision would be easy for me. As easy as breathing. It would hurt like hell but the decision itself would be easy. Not because I'm almost 40 - I have the fear my old boss has. I'll refuse to risk any more children getting caught in the midst of their parents divorce/breakup ever again.

Would I date someone with kids? Yes. That fear would still be there though so the pace would be glacial in terms of integrating them into my girls lives or me into their kids lives. Famous last words?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5555 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I can't remember if you posted on my last thread about the problems surrounding KD and I but I can relate in some ways...

When getting to know each other in new relationships there are things we tend to overlook or believe have been settled or discussed enough... Then, they boomerang back and hit us in the head after we "thought" they'd been settled...

Inspite of the love we feel there are simply places in the relationship where agreeing to disagree is the nail in the coffin... It unfortunate but the cold hard fact is that ultimately if you "give in" you're going to regret it and resent the person you gave in to...

I agree with the SBB... You're both right... Unfortunately it most likely means you're not going to be coupled much longer...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

SBB - what am I afraid of?

I am afraid of what your boss was afraid of too (I am not a WH though). Yes I know that kids can adapt, but I don't feel ready to be making these decisions. I am very afraid of going down a path that I am not comfortable with and ending up in a whole lot of pain myself, and more importantly causing a whole lot of pain to my kids and to an adopted child.

In my M, the introduction of kids fundamentally changed the dynamics and neither me nor XWW dealt with that well. Its a trigger for me.

So also said that my involvement here is complicating the adoption process for her. Doing it single is hard, but even more so as a single with a partner but not a live-in partner. I feel that I am not being fair to her - that I am a barrier to her doing the one thing that has driven her all through life. I can't ask her to give that up, and I can't put myself into a situation that I am not 100% committed to when there are kids at risk.

That is what I am afraid of.

I am also afraid of losing her, which is why I think we have avoided this elephant in the room - it has always carried with it dealbreaker potential. If I am really honest though - the other fears above are stronger. Having been through what I went through with XWW I know I can recover from my own heartbreak. I'm not blase about it, but I know I can. For me that differentiates this fear from the others.

I need time to think it all through, but I am not sure there are any clear answers.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

at the end of the day though her deep desire to adopt is not going to go away. It's one of those internal needs that won't be suppressed. What's sad is that she deserves a chance to have a partner who is just as excited about adopting as she is. By trying to make it work and "not lose her," you are actually taking this away from her which isn't fair to her or the child.

I really feel sad for both of you because it is nobody's fault, but it does sound like a dealbreaker in the end.

I'm so sorry.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Having gone through this with my STBX, all I can advise is that you end this relationship.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9651 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Snapdragon
Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I have a question. Has she actually begun the process to adopt? Or is all this still in the "I want, but haven't done anything about it" phase?

If she has actually started the process and put it on hold "for you", but you didn't ask her to, then that is on her. If she has NOT started the process, then she didn't put anything on hold and telling you that she did was just a guilt inducing manipulation.

I'm feeling like this is some big test of your dedication and commitment. But this is HUGE! If she's got her heart set on adopting, then no man (or lack thereof) in her life is going to stop her.


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3080 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Snapdragon - she has started the process but apparently when she told them she had a BF they told her she needed to start again!

More and more I feel like I am a barrier to her going down a road she so desperately wants to take. I'm really struggling with that, but I also need to be true to myself.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I don't know where you live but adoption is very very difficult in Australia, single or coupled. I've never heard of an unmarried couple adopting successfully.

What is the likelihood of success even if you do live together.

If adoption fails what will she do?

My old boss and his GF ended up having fertility issues and went through 5 IVF round for their 2 boys.

Her success or failure here is not the issue though. She wants to add children to her life and you seem like you do not.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5555 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

velveteer,

I would caution you on 2 other things.

1) you had a previous post where she complained that she didn't like "not being #1" in your life. That makes me wonder if this adoption thing is a way to sort of raise the stakes in your relationship? She is looking for ways to get to you really commit and what better way than make you commit to being a part of this process?

2) I had a guy friend a number of years ago in this same position with a girlfriend who had started the adoption process and then began dating him..... then OOPS! What do you know? She is pregnant! There is no doubt she just used him to get pregnant. They did not end up together in the end and he felt really deceived. So, be careful! It does happen! These were two very mature and professional people.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I agree that you are both right. I'm not discounting her feelings about needing to adopt, but I do see that it can affect your relationship and more pressure will be put on you than she wants to admit.

The differences I see in you already having children and her adopting, is that there won't be a second parent for her adopted child. Will she be looking at you as an "honorary" father? It is a different dynamic than her relationship with your children.

Think about people you've know that were dating and adopted a pet together. It creates this shared life that can keep couples together that shouldn't be.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Kids are something that definitely makes dating/relationship after D tricky.

I was very clear that I did not want more children. It was a subject I brought up early in dating.

There is no compromise when it comes to having kids. You can't half way have kids with someone. I broke up with a really great guy b/c having kids was very important to him.

Your gut is telling you something. Listen, sort it out and take whatever steps are necessary.

Would you date someone who already has children? How slowly are you willing to move forward with the relationship?

Unfortunately, love isn't always enough. Sometimes there is just no middle ground.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Snapdragon
Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Snapdragon - she has started the process but apparently when she told them she had a BF they told her she needed to start again!

My spidey senses do not believe this. Have you actually seen the application paperwork and communications AFTER it was turned in? I hope I'm wrong.


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3080 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone - this is helpful.

I'm still not completely clear on what I'm thinking here, but some things I do know:

- my guts are telling me something
- I don't want more kids - maybe ever, but certainly not at the moment
- SO does want to adopt - alone and NOT with me. Her need to do this is bigger than our relationship. As it should be.
- nonetheless, this has implications for our relationship and for me and my kids
- if we have a long term future it will need to all come together - that means another kid involved. Right now, I can't see that I want that
- I feel selfish. I feel like I'm being unfair. I love her and feel like I am letting her down
- my priority is my children. Period. I cannot imagine trying to explain this to them.

I think we are maybe just in different places with this.

I'm feeling very sad, upset and confused about it all and really don't know where to go with it. I'm hoping we can talk at the weekend. Communication between us is minimal for now - we are both needing some time and space.



Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Sometimes loving someone is not enough. Sometimes you can love someone and still not be on the same path as them, and that is the end of a relationship. I know, because this has happened to me. It hurts and I have found no solution.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13736 | Registered: Jul 2011
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

- I feel selfish. I feel like I'm being unfair. I love her and feel like I am letting her down

please don't feel selfish. you're being true to yourself. not wanting kids is not selfish. what would be selfish would be to go along with this and bail out later. being true to your own feelings is not selfish in this scenario.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I’m going to be hard on your SO.

She is being a cake eater. It is completely out of line to try to develop a relationship and start a family independently and simultaneously.

Does she want kids or does she want a relationship? She needs to get her priorities sorted and focus on one or the other. That is the issue with the adoption, NOT you. Not saying she can’t have both, but the adoption agencies are going to want a stable environment. Dating is not stable. She needs to be single or long term committed. It is not fair to ask you to commit just so she can have a child. It isn’t fair to you or to the child.

If you absolutely do not want more kids, you need to be clear on this and end the relationship. This is not the same as dating a single parent and you know it. There would be no other father in the picture and you would be in the child’s life from the start.

If you would consider having another child, but aren’t ready now, this needs to go on the backburner while you focus on the relationship. You have to enter the adoption process together when you are BOTH ready. It is a gamble she has to take just like anyone else choosing to have children WITH someone else.

If she wants to be a single parent and doesn’t want to do this together, she needs to end things with you and do it on her own. She can revisit dating once she is really and truly a single parent and the child has a stable home life.

[This message edited by Crescita at 1:34 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3387 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Crescita

This is an interesting take. She wants both. She wants to do this herself (actually said she never asked me to do this and I was being presumptious in thinking otherwise).

What she wants is to continue our relationship and pursue the adoption process. I would be her BF and would be involved with the child as a friend - uncle velveteer kind of thing.

What happens after that? Am I then to take on a greater role if I want the relationship to progress? I think she would argue that this is the situation she faces with me, but I came to the relationship with two kids - I didn't start without and then have kids.

I just go round and round with this.

I emailed her about something else and suggested that we need to talk - she replied saying that she is upset and confused and knows that we need to talk but it wary as it could lead to further upset.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Crescita hit the nail on the head.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Gently:

I don't understand what the issue is here.

You don't want more kids. You've stated it clearly multiple times in this post. You say you were clear and upfront with your SO about this issue from the very beginning.

You each should strive to find partners who have goals that are more in line with each other. It would be unfair to BOTH of you otherwise.

I think you know this issue is a dealbreaker.

(((velveteer)))

ETA: Also, what does the below mean? If I'm interpreting it correctly, it sounds a lot like manipulation to me. Correct me if I'm wrong (I have been known to be off base before) but the implication is that she feels that because she was willing to put her desire to adopt 'on hold' for you then, now you should be willing to consider accepting her adoption plans 'for her'.

Then it all went quiet. She had put it 'on hold' and I found out last night that she had done this 'for me'

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 4:19 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2010
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to input to this.

I'm still circling around all of this and think that ultimately, this is boiling down to how I really feel about SO and how I really feel about having more kids in my life.

On SO I know that I love her. We are a great fit and a very good together. I know she loves me too.

Its is the kids issue that's the sticking point. Right now I can't see that I want more kids in my life. My problem is I don't know if this is just a timing issue or if its a permanent position. Can I realistically rule it out in future? Could I say for certain that if this relationship ended I would never get involved with a woman that had kids?

Of course, added to this is the fact that she is not a woman with kids, but a woman that WANTS to adopt. I understand very well, as SBB and Crescita pointed out that this is not the same as dating a single parent.

And finally, there is the sense of responsibility I feel for 'getting in the way' of this for her - muddying the waters and making a very difficult and challenging process even more so as a result.

abby - is this manipulation - I don't know, but if I'm honest I did get a bit of that feeling. Otherwise I'm not sure why it was said, but things were pretty heated by that stage, so maybe it should be seen in that context.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Velveteer- what age child does your SO want to adopt?

Also, perhaps this IS less of a "I don't want more kids ever" issue than a "this isn't the right time for me to assume a role like this" issue.

Either way, it's okay. You're not selfish. This is what dating and relationships are all about... finding someone with which we connect and have compatibility both on basic things and especially on these types of major life decisions.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 8:11 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2010
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Abby - her age and circumstances mean that she would be unlikely to get a baby - more likely 3 years plus. I'm not sure though how much of a difference that makes.

And that you for your comments - I'm really struggling with all of this and to have people tell me that this is not somehow my fault or my failing is helpful - heading down a rabbit hole with those kinds of feelings at times.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I believe that if you really love her, then let her go so she will move forward with adopting a child. That's her dream. You don't want another child and you can't build a future with her on the possibility of changing your mind. That wouldn't be fair to her.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 1:46 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13749 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Abby - her age and circumstances mean that she would be unlikely to get a baby - more likely 3 years plus. I'm not sure though how much of a difference that makes.

I was afraid you were going to say that.

While it might not make much of a difference in how you feel about accepting this role, it absolutely should to your SO. You might just already KNOW, without a doubt, that more kids aren't in the cards for you right now. And that's okay. It's SO okay to feel that way.

But in case you're considering it, adoption is a complex, emotional process for all parties involved, but especially for the children. Idk if you've done any research on what the process would actually entail (and what emotions are likely to be experienced throughout) but you should if you're considering even the possibility of taking this step with your SO. My (brief) research has already led me to several resources for those considering adoption. These resources list emotional issues that all parties might have to deal with. But I'm most concerned for the child in this scenario.

What scares me is this: say you decide to go this route. You stick it out with SO, she adopts, and you're part of the child's life. At some point an attachment forms between the adopted child and you/your children. If things ever DO go south between you and SO, there is yet another broken attachment for an already fragile child who may have already been through a lot and is probably already trying to cope with feelings of loss, abandonment, etc. Imagine how that might feel to the child.

I can't tell you what to do, but I would think that you'd have to be all in, 100% on board, before taking this step with your SO.

On the flip side, you could decide to see this thing through and everyone lives happily ever after.

You just don't know for sure.

Forgive me if I've spoken out of turn. Just wondering if you had considered this possibility. I'd be happy to PM you the webpage I found so you can do a little reading.

(((velveteer)))


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2010
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

abby - thank you and yes I have considered this and like you this is also my fear. I am extremely wary of having any kind of half hearted involvement with such a vulnerable child. Scares me to death if I'm honest.

If you could PM me the link that would be great too. Thanks again.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I'm glad you're thinking this way and that you have concern for the potential adopted child here. THIS tells me you are a good person and you're not selfish.


PM sent. I hope it helps some.


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2010
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 13th (Monday)

OK - so we talk tonight and I have been doing A LOT of thinking.

Quite apart from the issues around having kids, I think we are both quite damaged people. I've realised that much of my own attitude to this centres around what if things go wrong in the relationship, what if we don't last etc. My faith in the permanence of romantic relationships has clearly been seriously shaken - more perhaps than I had realised.

SO is also very damaged. Her last relationship was emotionally abusive, and she has major trust issues. This is why she accused me of only wanting fun and sex when that is not the case - I have stood by through a few things that have been issues I faced with WXW and that were problems in our M. Yet still I faced these with SO and did not flinch. If I was just after sex I would have bailed a while ago. But she seems not to trust this.

I don't blame her or me - its our histories. In the heat of our argument, I think these deeper issues started to rear their heads.

Then there are all the issues around kids - my kids, her adopting etc. I have already rehearsed these here and while I have no clear answer, I think I at least know what the issues are.

So, who knows how things will go tonight. I'm anxious and I just hope that whatever comes we can treat each other with care and respect. I love her and I want her to be happy. If she is not going be happy with me then I may just have to come to terms with that.

Need some SI mojo.

V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

It sounds like you may be realizing that there are issues beyond her desired adoption. OR, you just flat out don't want kids so you're nitpicking to find things wrong to give you an excuse to end the relationship.

If it's the latter, you don't have to nitpick. It's okay just to say, "we're incompatible in this major area so we need to end this."

How are you doing this morning? How did the talk go?


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2010
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Thanks for checking in Abby.

Actually the talk went OK - grown up and calm. She wants to adopt, or at least to pursue the process. She knows I don't want more kids in my life right now. For now at least, that keeps our relationship in a particular place and we both agreed that this was fine for now. We both need and like our own space and were able to be honest about that. As things move forward we will continue to talk.

She has no expectations of me regarding the adoption. Its her thing. I voiced my concerns about potential impacts on the adopted child and she agreed that this was paramount and that we had to be careful if and when things moves forward. At this stage, that is still in the future, and still uncertain. We agreed no hasty decisions right now.

We both recognised that our argument last week also surfaced other issues and we need to talk about those issues more.

Neither of us wants to give up on the relationship altogether, or least not until we have unpicked this all a bit more. We are too invested to just let it go. This is a relationship that is in many ways very good for both of us - there is a lot of love and care between us, and a lot of respect. I don't feel we can throw that away until we have fully explored all of the issues that are in here.

It was good. We have not been communicating properly and we both agreed that this has to change. Last night we did communicate - honestly and clearly, even if some of it was hard.

You are right - my last post was nitpicking. It was I think defensive. I am realising that I harbour some negativity regarding relationships (no kidding!). I was essentially talking myself out of it as a way of protecting myself. I need to work on this more.

I put a lot of store on gut feel and this feels right for now - neither of us felt like the time was right for major decisions. I hope that by communicating better we will arrive at the right place, wherever that is.

Learning a lot here.

thanks
V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

You are right - my last post was nitpicking.

Yes! I got a sense that you were trying to convince yourself why remaining in the relationship was a bad idea... like you were talking yourself out of it or something. I can see that being a defense mechanism to protect you from getting hurt. I, too, have been known to withdraw and push people away before I have the chance to get hurt. I am working on this. It is hard!

It sounds like you guys had a productive, mature discussion. But I wonder if you're not just postponing the inevitable. Just something to think about. Time will tell.


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2010
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Thought of you when I read this article this morning, Velveteer.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/its-ok-to-want-different-things-it-doesnt-make-you-wrong


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13736 | Registered: Jul 2011
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