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User Topic: That ticking bomb feeling
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I've already bitten the wife's head off a few times- she's now upstairs sorting the kids out and I'm down here imagining what I'm going to say- none of it nice- my chest is tight and I feel like I've been kicked in the head.

I can't stop thinking about what she said and did with strangers- I'm on my own in this- I just want her to know how much I'm hurting.

How could she talk like that?? It's not OK when she is married and has my children.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I don't know what to say. I am having a hard day and I see yours is no better.

All I can do is hold out my hands and offer a firm hug. You are not alone though I am sure you feel as alone as I do right now... and I am at work.

No more words, just prayers for you.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Jada52
Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Sending prayers to both of you. I am having a bad day as well and want to explode on both the OW and the WS. I hate these feelings.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Bad day here too- yesterday was no better. It's just getting worse.
The entitlement he showed, the selfishness, the lies, the things stolen from our marriage really twist me up.
I'm sorry you all feel this way too.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 2:08 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Cheers everyone- hang in there.

Unfortunately my bomb exploded.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I feel sick this morning.

Last night I asked nasty questions and then I wanted to have sex with her in the same manner she did with them for no other reason other than because she is my wife and she did worse with strangers- last night it wasn't nice or romantic it was horrible and I was horrible then after she was all teary and I asked if she was OK- she said "yes do what you want with me" and left the room. I don't want to do what I want I want to feel how I did even just over the weekend.

In bed last night she was upset then this morning I could barely look at her- a mixture of my own guilt for being so rough and cruel as well as wondering how she could have put us here- who I am sometimes. Her eyes were red and my little girl asked if she had been crying- that hurt both of us.

Today is a bad day and who the fuck am I now??? What can help me now?? She's out today so I won't see her til tonight- do I tell her I'm sorry or just leave it?


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
stilltrying2025
Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I feel your pain! I do the same as you. Don't kick yourself for what you are doing....we all are on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Just take control of today...not yesterday...and try to stay calm. IMO I wouldn't apologize unless she brings it up and then I would just say "I will own my actions and may have been out of line". That's what I do because my WH has never ever apologized for anything he has done. (((Hugs)))


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I think I hurt her though and I definitely don't want that- all this just brings parts of me out that I never knew existed- every now and again I surprise/ shock myself.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
spareparts
Member
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Hey I85,

I understand where you are coming from, the pain and hurt is great. This is why I have previously tried to persuade you that YOU also need some kind of IC, and a method of releasing the anger rather than taking it out on your WW.

I would suggest that you apologise to your WW for your behaviour, I'm only guessing here but if you aren't happy with yourself then you need to own what you did as it was inappropriate regardless of the situation.

You need to be the better man here, but you also need to get yourself sorted. Speak to someone and focus on you, exercise or some other form of releasing the anger is what you need (I have a punch bag in my garage that really helped).

As you say this can bring out parts of you that you never knew existed, but it does also give you the opportunity to fix them for you.


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

if you feel you did something wrong, and you do, then of course you say you're sorry.

imagine she hit you in the face. but realized she was wrong and apologized. I mean, really realize she was wrong, and apologized.

Weeks went by. You didn't like it. After all, she hit you in the face. After a while, you hit her in the face. She humbly says, "do what you want with me."

should you apologize?

I think you should try to treat her nicely. I know you're hurting, so does she. But I don't think it's ok to treat her poorly. There are several reasons.

First, you love her. Even if you'r hurt, you don't want to hurt someone you love. That's why you're feeling conflicted.

Second, hurting her doesn't make you feel better.

Third, you are disrespecting yourself. You know you're better than that.

those are my thoughts. Hang in there friend. love your family like its the only thing that matters.


because it is.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I'm happy to talk- I just don't know what it would achieve by me going to IC- I can't imagine what they could say that my friends or on here wouldn't I don't hide anything I know I make mistakes- all I wanted was my own family I love them more than I can put into words. My wife is still amazing but sometimes I just feel full of rage toward her- I wouldn't hit her but last night I did the same as what I did not long after she told me- I was really rough with her in an intimate way and that's not like me at all and it fucks with my head thinking I could behave like that- nothing had even happened- we had the most perfect bank holiday weekend. I saw something yesterday that for some reason made me trigger really badly- mind movies but mainly words- thinking about what she said to me when I met her and what she said to those men- I just got really wound up.I hate mistreating her it hurts me too I feel guilty and wrong but still angry at her if you get me.

I don't want to end up like some mad man- I'm not that guy. Last night I treated my wife like some dirty whore- or worse- I could throw up.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
spareparts
Member
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I don't want to end up like some mad man- I'm not that guy.

This is why people recommend IC for yourself. Speaking to an IC can give you a better array of tools to help you deal with the rage, a better set of coping mechanisms and just an all over a safe place to vent away and help you to understand your feelings better.

Whilst SI can help, we only see the one side of the story, we get to see your writing, we don't see body language, we don't know your history or your past and all of those things can impact upon what you do. Also with a lot of friends, eventually you may find they get to the "yeah yeah she cheated on you, either man up and divorce her or quit going on about it" stage, which really may not help you.

You have effectively had a huge trauma inflicted on you and you need to start work treating that trauma to yourself.

Think of it another way, had you been hit by a car and your legs now appeared to be broken, I'm assuming you'd go to the Hospital? Also once they had put your legs in plaster I'm sure you would need a physical trainer to help you walk again. Same thing, only its not your legs, its likely whats going on in your head needs fixing. Hence you are acting out in ways you do not like.

And if you do go to an IC, and find that you are all wonderful and hunky dory, then what have you lost aside from the time and money? And really aren't you worth finding out?


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I'm more of a happy-go-lucky type of person- all this drama makes me act weird.

That's the thing- nothing weird or traumatic has ever happened to me- happy childhood full of happy memories.

I went to counselling after I saw her brother and yeah it helped but I just wanted to talk about it- the counsellor listened for an hour a week and after the 6 sessions (I think it was 6) I felt better.

I don't so much need to talk about this- I need answers- if I say to counsellor "why did she this/that" they won't have the answer- I know the answers as in- if you feel angry do this do that- in real life it isn;t working for me right now. It's not like I can turn it into a happy memory it's always going to be shit- she fucking hushed a guy up to say "I just want to fuck you"- a complete stranger- I'm angry about it and I know it will pass but she's my wife and she can't act like that no matter what a counsellor will think I'm a right muppet.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:39 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

If you are going to use sex as a weapon it may be better to abstain for a few months until your feelings have moderated.

When my FWH cheated we became roommates for 6 months; sex was off the agenda until I could face intimacy without anger. It worked out very well for us anyway; the mind movies tended to decrease because sex wasn't part of our relationship at that time. I could imagine we were friends and parents but not lovers; thats was for the future.

In a way we were rebuilding our relationship from the bottom up.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

It isn't usually like that- it usually makes us feel closer- I think it was when she first told me though and I think it was last night- I think I actually hurt her but she didn't say and I didn't force her if you get me-

It's the words that are killing me now and I keep remembering things she said to me in the beginning- it really upsets me and makes me so angry with her.

I'll be going home soon- she'll be home- I texted her a sorry and she said everything's fine. I know it's not going to be fine tonight- I won't do that though but who knows I might in the future- I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Edited to add: Can I ask her to get rid of a particular dress- it's expensive and vintage but she hasn't worn it since the last time- should she throw it if I ask her?? I think she would. I don't want to act like a freak I just don't like it- I don't know why it just popped into my head now.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 11:09 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Let me be blunt. You do not have the right to hurt your WW sexually. Itís wrong and itís immoral.

I think I actually hurt her but she didn''t say and I didn''t force her if you get me-

So, since she didnít scream rape, it was OK? Let me tell you, a woman who loves a man and/or feels guilty, will put up with essentially brutal sex and/or rape because ďshe deserves it,Ē ďhe didnít mean it,Ē and pure, basic fear. The fact that you felt that you had to treat your WW brutally during sex is one pretty damned good reason to seek counseling period. You do realize that had she cried spousal rape, you would be sitting in a jail cell right now, donít you.

Believe me. I fully understand wanting a WS to GET it. Wanting to punch their headlights out. Wanting them to hurt just as bad or worse than I do. I truly get it and I have some incidents that I am not proud of early after my DDay. But you cannot use the fact that you were betrayed to hit or physically wound your WW. No one has a right to feel fear in their home or their bedroom. No one.

My opinion, FWIW, is that you need to stop with even attempting to have sex with your WW until you can do so without force or the need to degrade her. If you want to leave, or her to leave, then kick her out of the house. If you want to try to R, then do things that help to lead to R. If youíre in limbo-land, then detach enough to figure out what you need to help in your healing. But just like having a revenge affair is wrong and doesnít help your healing or your R, being sexually vile will not help either.

Iím sorry for the 2x4 because I know that youíre hurting. Donít let your hurting turn your nature into something or someone that you donít want to be.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4785 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I know it's not right to hurt her in any way and that wasn't my intention- I never want to physically hurt but sometimes I really want to hurt her feelings so she has an idea of how I feel.

I didn't force her into anything and I never would- I'm just talking about being rough with her and I'm not usually- I told her last night and she said she was upset because she knows how much she's hurt me not because of anything I've done to her- she promised I didn't hurt her "that" way- I told her I just keep thinking about her being like that with strangers and she acknowledged and apologised- again.

She's definitely not scared of me- I'm a fucking pushover- look what she can do- she can go fuck who she wants where she wants and where was I- home looking after our children like a total idiot. I couldn't even leave her- I lasted less than a week before I was crying like a child- I'm not scary- I'm an idiot and a pushover.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Edited to add: Can I ask her to get rid of a particular dress- it's expensive and vintage but she hasn't worn it since the last time- should she throw it if I ask her?? I think she would. I don't want to act like a freak I just don't like it- I don't know why it just popped into my head now.

Yes, you can.


Hey Idiot, (((hugs)))

How are you feeling this morning?

I know you fight the need for IC. I went immediately but I didn't understand why I needed it. I knew all the bad stuff that had happened to meÖI figured that's all there was to it.

But it's more than that. It's being able to pull the little pieces apart. To look at them, identify what they are and what they mean, to you.

It's validation that you are not crazy.

It's a safe place for your anger and rage.

Eventually it becomes a little time out for you that you will enjoy.

It's actually neat to start to pick up on your actions/reactions to know why something makes you want to punch a wall or vomit into a bucket lol.

Trust me, go. Itís one step for you that you need to take.

(((hugs))) again Idiot. Hang in there.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:59 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Karma- since I take note and trust your happy posts I'll take note and trust your advice- it's only fair- I'll look into getting referred to a counsellor- it can't do any harm can it.

I'll tell her about the dress too- I didn't want her to think I'm trying to control her life- she used to wear it all the time and I've noticed she doesn't now- it can only be because of this. I think she'll get rid if I ask her to.

I do see when I'm wrong- I've been a dickhead today too but even though she has hurt me- she is still my wife and I love her- I just want this feeling to go away.

I'm feeling OK at the moment- not angry just a bit sore in my chest- I feel guilty for being mean to her too.

On films and TV it never drags on this long!!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
woundedwidow
Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I do think counselling for you is definitely in order if your anger toward your wife is so strong that you go to her workplace and call her a "dirty f*cking whore" in front of her work mates. You keep insisting that you love your wife, and I believe that deep down you still do, but right now your anger and rage are really toxic for both of you. Yes, she did something terrible. But YOUR recovery from her betrayal is not going to be improved by doing things like this. You need to find a more constructive way to channel your anger and pain, and counselling will help.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Karma- since I take note and trust your happy posts I'll take note and trust your advice- it's only fair- I'll look into getting referred to a counsellor- it can't do any harm can it.

Thanks Id ....I am happy, but really most of my healing has been the last year ...actually even the last 6 months.

It takes a long time. I had issues with letting "stuff" go and held on much longer than needed.

We all get to where we need to be in our own time. The most important thing, to me, is that we get to where we need to be in a healthier way.

If you find a good IC it is worth it, really is.

And as you said...

it can't do any harm can it.

No, my friend, it can't.

(((hugs)))


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I thought she'd have probably posted on here- I don't go on the W side and she doesn't go on here.

The thing is- it's my workplace too- my studios on a different floor- it's humiliating for me too.

My love isn't deep down- I wish it was- my love is on the surface and it's bleeding it's painful. I just want to hold her tight and make it go away.

Over the weekend I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I am to have this amazing woman in my life- I'm not articulate enough to describe how amazing she is.

This week I can't stop thinking about why she would want to hurt me so much and spoil our family. I can be insensitive and I am an idiot- I wasn't there for her when she needed me but I don't know what I did to deserve all this- I was just scared for her before- I don't like drink or drugs, I don't like her living in her own head- she has said some funny things and I was scared for her and didn't do it right and I know it- but did it have to take this to show me?? If it did then I'm more of an idiot than I thought- either an idiot or a horrible person.

Edited to say- Thank you Karma- I've taken note I promise I'll give it a go.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

idiot85... don't beat yourself up so much. What happened was your being human. You were different than who you see yourself as, you reacted out of anger in a place where you usually act out of love and that scared you. You want to be in control of yourself as we all do and in that instance you felt out of control.
I agree that you should try IC...I know you are resistant. I am actually having my first session today and am very anxious. But you will hopefully get some skills to make you always be able to act like yourself, be able to have more control but still be able to own your own anger and know what to do with it.

Tell her to throw the clothes out.
I asked my husband to throw out the clothes he was wearing in pictures I found of them. Makes me feel much better to know I will never see him in those again and no one else will either. It's good that you are thinking of ways to heal and avoid triggers like this.
((Hugs)) to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Over the weekend I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I am to have this amazing woman in my life

You have said something like this a few times. Either this or referring to she being "all that".

What about YOU? Do you not get how wonderful you are? How lucky she is to have you?

I am starting to wonder what baggage you are carrying Idiot, really, you sound like the old me and I had lots of it

You need to stop this thinking. She is no better than you...

No ONE person deserves to be any more "special" in a relationship. You both have special qualities that you can bring together in your marriage to make one bond, of equal partners.

But stop acting as though she walks on water and see the truth. She is human, with faults...the only reason why she didn't sink is because she is using you as her buoy right now...


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

She's sort of- I don't know how to phrase this so I hope you know what I mean- more of a grown up than me!! She's usually so sensible and clever and believe it or not makes good decisions- we went to a theme park over the weekend and I'm like a big kid "let's go here let's go there" and she was like "yeah and *6 month nephew* can hold the bags"- duh!!!

And she honestly says things that I've never even thought about and I love that- she just says something and it blows my mind.

She's cool- like a real life actual cool person- the youngsters at the college love her and her work and she's very popular- in a good way- she's a brilliant Mummy my kids ADORE her- her family (overly) rely on her because she can get things done- I'll stand looking at a lawn mower for 45mins wondering why it isn;t working- then she'll pull out the choke.

AND she is honestly swear to God so beautiful- I've never seen anyone as beautiful ever- even out of famous people!!!

I on the other hand am more like an overgrown puppy- a johnny bravo type, fairly good looking (so the young girls say), tall, big muscles but thick as hell. I'm daft as a brush and spit out my dummy when it doesn't go my way.

p.s. she might be able to walk on water but I can't confirm it

Edited to add- The other thing about her that I can't believe I missed is that she is so strong about anything at all- she can just work out a plan of action no matter what is going on. Everyone feels better when they've talked to her about something- big or small. With her own shit like pills and powders- got pregnant- stopped completely- isn't bothered. She was still taking this pill that was OK when pregnant but I told her it was pissing me off and she just stopped- other people get addicted but she can just be like STOPPED. She's stronger than me and she knows it- she's told me lots of times recently.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 11:22 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I bet even as daft as you are you have wonderful qualities too. You should start thinking about what they are.

I am done monopolizing your thread...

Get to IC


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

It's not monopolising!! I'm grateful for the advice- cheers Karma- I feel a bit better I really do.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

It's not monopolising!! I'm grateful for the advice- cheers Karma- I feel a bit better I really do.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Hi Idiot(lol). Hey...don't
be so hard on yourself.

On one hand..I get it..you love her,she's your wife,etc. OTOH, she also had sex with 3 random strangers in alleys and public bathrooms. So,IMO,your anger is justified...of course it is.

Here's the thing..and Im not talking specifically about your WW..but in general...if you act like a whore,then I don't think you have any right to be offended when you're called one. If you act like an asshole,then don't be surprised when someone calls you out on it. KWIM?

Is name calling good for R? No. But it is normal for a person who has been betrayed on the level you(and most of us) have. It will pass. And it is something you need to get control of,if you do want to R with her. Not only for her..but for YOU. I called my WH a few names during our R..and it made ME feel worse.

Doing it in front of coworkers...too far..yes. But then..fucking 3 random men is a bit too far also. Don't humiliate yourself..or her..in front of people you work with..also..it makes those coworkers feel awkward and uncomfortable,and they don't deserve that.

Admittedly...Im triggery and angry today..so maybe it's coming through in this post. It just pisses off that they get all upset and humiliated when a BS calls them a name..based on THEIR own damn actions..then cry because what you said was mean. If you don't want to be called a whore...don't act like it. Again..not speaking about your WW specifically..but WW's in general who have not done the work on themselves to become healthy(we have many FWW's here that are amongst my favorite members..).


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7380 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

It is obvious that your wife is articulate and highly intelligent. Maybe you don't measure up to her standards, then why have you payed her the respect of staying faithful and loyal, while she barfed all over her marriage, leaving a stench that will be linger for the rest of your relationship.

Obviously being intelligent isn't all its cracked up to be.....


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

So sorry 85, I feel your pain. In the early morning hours my wife finally admitted certain things that she's been lying about since D Day. She also added that she texted pics of her breasts and vagina to the OM. It's a hard thing to grasp and process that your wife, the mother of your children, is capable of things like this.

Wish I had some words of comfort. It sounds like your wife just went completely off the rails, as did mine (ironic to this analogy, she slept with a guy who works for a railroad).

Just know that there are plenty of men and women out there who can relate to your pain. Hang in there bro.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Hi Confused- I hope your day's improved- thanks for your kind words I know it's especially difficult on bad days and I agree with you- I know name calling is hurtful but you know what else is? Shagging random men- unsurprisingly it's definitely hurt.

I do agree that it ends up making me feel worse and I felt like like a right dickhead at work today- a few colleagues thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing and say shit like "it's been 4 months- move on"- GGRRRR!!!- I'd been doing well not calling her names but for some reason I just went on a mega downer and it came back with a vengence.

Sal- I've seen some of your posts and I'm sorry mate- I hope you get some peace too.

Tonight was a definite improvement- I'm still not right and had her head off a few times but we had a few little laughs too.

I nearly fucked it up in my kind of style- I needed a haircut and asked if she wanted to do it before or after dinner- she said "I'm easy"- so what does this bright spark say- "I know"- then I had to say I didn't mean it, it was a joke- too late though- both triggered by my stupid brain.

I hope I sharpen up soon because I'm totally shattered.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
wastoosoft
New Member
Member # 39176
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Counselling is working for me, just having someone there to verify that I didnt deserve the treatment I got, you can be honest with them about what you are like, what the situation is, what they are like.
I finally came to the conclusion yesterday that if my WH loved me like he said he did then he would not have messed about and walked away when found out, he would have stopped and worked things out, because our problems were not insurmountable, I had suggested marriage guidance, but that was not good enough for him, so really in the end he just lied, he didnt love me, now that is another mountain I have to climb, but with the help of the counsellor I will get there.

The fact your wife has stayed with you and apologised, must mean she wants to work at it, that she must love you to some degree, at least you have that, but to keep her, you also have to work on the way you handle her, so counselling is the best way to help you through that.

I really feel for you, I do.

Also I suggest marriage guidance for you both too, so that you can get to the bottom of the problem, find out what it is that leads her to do such things, and having a 3rd person there, looking on the outside in and hopefully pinpointing the problem can help you towards a healthier, happier marriage.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do


Me - BW (48)
Him - WH (51)
M - 16 yrs together 20 yrs
D Day - 27-12-12
OW - LeeAnn
2 Kids - 28 & 17
Seperated - 29-12-12 (great way to spend the new year)
NC with me but contacts son once in a blue moon

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Goole
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, May 10th (Friday)

wastoosoft- hi there- I'm sorry to hear what you've been through- I can't imagine how painful that would be.

I'm going along to my GP later to get a referral so I'll give it a go- I don't have anything against it- like I said I've been before and it helped but I think I have too many why questions and a counsellor isn't going to answer that- since everyone seems to think I should go I'd be an idiot not to give it a whirl.

Today is better btw- I'm managing to squash my triggers pretty well- here's for a good weekend!!!

Cheers everyone!!!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 34