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User Topic: Help...I need a quick reply to Npd-x girlfriend
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

This is an email I just received from Npd-X's live in gf of 5 months.

Chrysalis,
Hi! I've been wanting to reach out for some time now but wasn't sure how it'd be received. With graduation quickly approaching, and since we have never met, I thought it would be nice to maybe meet for coffee (or something stronger) sometime soon. What do you think?

Also, I was thinking of taking DD18 to get a dress for graduation. Of course, I don't want to offer to do so, if you were considering doing this with her. At the risk of over-stepping, I know your relationship hasn't been easy especially as of late. I just want you to know she truly does appreciate everything you do for her, even if she doesn't always show it. She's really hurting right now and struggling with not getting along with you, the uncertainties of graduating, growing up, and all of the responsibilities that go with it. Npd-X does what he can to comfort her, but she could use her mom right now too.......even though she won't admit it. I think she's been in tears more often than not.

You have done a great job of raising two wonderful girls. You should be very proud.

Like I said, I'd love to get together if you have time for coffee or a drink. Let me know.

This is not sitting well with me, so 2X4 me if I am off base.

Recent backstory is on the last few pages of the NPD forum.

Short story is DD18 has been treating me abhorrently for over 1 year. Extreme, repeated disrespect toward me, her sister, and my parents. Also stealing from me and her sister and hateful emails when she doesn't get her way.

My gut tells me that DD needs a course correction of tough love and realistic consequences for very hurtful decisions. I have emailed her and expressed my desire for a healthy two way relationship, and that I will be 100% in once she also shows the same desire and some consistent kind and loving actions.

I do not know gf at all. She is not married to Npd-X, is in her 40's with no kids and never married, and I think they have been long distance for several years. He spent 100% of his vacation time with her for the last few years. Apparently that is not important for the kids and indicates to me a level of self absorption between both adults.

Kids have also told me that in the 5 months she has been living there, she completely redid the place, removed all traces of the gifts the kids gave dad, and micro-managed DD18's diet demanding pictures of everything she ate....of course this directive came from Npd-X. DD18 saw right through it and said why were you not concerned about my diet before gf moved in?

My initial reaction to this email was shocked she sent this....how presumptuous for a women without children to intrude into my family and my life.

Second, I thought how come Npd-X isn't writing this...well we all know the answer to that...

Third, I guess she is trying to be thoughtful but....yuck. And why wasn't she sure how she'd be received? I have never been introduced, said one word to her, so I assume she has heard an earful from Npd-x. One time I saw her and she looked like she saw the devil when she saw me!

I don't want to have coffee with her. Can you wise folks help me craft a respectful reply? Y'all are so good at this kind of stuff.

Thanks in advance....


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
Cookie7088
Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

How about...

"Thank you for your words, it does appear that my daughter is having great uncertainties relative to her future.

I would like to be the one that goes with her to get her dress for graduation, but I will leave that up to her discretion.

As for us meeting for coffee, I find that it would be an inappropriate gesture at this time. There would be a great assumption to us building a relationship that does not necessarily need to be at this time.

I look forward to meeting you during those times that our paths should cross during my children's events, but other than that, I feel it best to keep our relationship at a distance.

Thank you for understanding."

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 6:00 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 659 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Oh, I can't imagine getting that letter. It makes me so pissed.

Maybe some response along the lines of "I prefer to co-parent with just NPD....too many cooks, and all that jazz".


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I can't tell if she's genuinely being nice or being kinda condescending....

Anyway. How about this:
GF,
Thank you for your offer to meet for coffee or a drink. As you pointed out it is the end of the school year, and my schedule is extraordinarily packed right now, so a meeting at this time isn't possible.

I plan to take DD shopping for a grad dress. Thanks for thinking of her, though.

Chrys.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8003 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone. Thing is I wasn't planning on getting her a dress.

I just spent a ton of money on her for a trip out of the country recently. She responded to that gesture in an incredibly thoughtless, rude, and very hurtful manner to me. In fact it crushed me. She basically used me to get the money.

I politely informed her I was no longer her human ATM machine.

So, to me, it is condescending of GF to send this letter. She is partially aware of the difficulties, although I am sure the events have been whitewashed to make it seem like I am the big, bad meanie because I have boundaries.

I can't quite figure out what is bothering me so much about this....I feel like I have been traumatized by the X again, by proxy.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I can't quite figure out what is bothering me so much about this

I am so thankful EX hasn't introduced the kids to any of his GF's. I have a real hang-up about the thought of another woman trying to parent my kids.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I have not a clue how to answer this email. Well, I do, but I figure "Fuck Off!" is not what you're looking for.

And I agree, her email does come off as condescending, in that way non-parents who think they'd be better parents than you act superior. Makes me kind of want to slap a bitch...

(((chrysalis)))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

As to the dress.....maybe tell her that you figured DD was going to wear <whatever> outfit that she already has, since it'll be covered up by a grad robe and whatnot.

As for her making you uncomfortable, she is being a bit pushy, presumptious and taking little-bitty digs at you. Probably reminds you a lot of your X's MO.
Example:

Npd-X does what he can to comfort her, but she could use her mom right now too.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8003 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Chrysalis,
When I saw the email you received I thought, what a bunch of patronizing, condescending blather. She really has some nerve.

This would be my response.

Dear Npd-X's girlfriend,

I can understand your reluctance to reach out and apparently your instincts were on target as I don't feel a meeting at this time is necessary or appropriate. Although you may be observing certain behaviors in DD18, hopefully you understand that mothers and daughters often have a very long and complicated history between them that you are not privy to. While your concern for her relationship with me is admirable, I think it's important that all of us respect each other's boundaries. I'm sure you would agree that is a good lesson for any young adult to learn.

In terms of a graduation dress, I'm sure that DD18 would be delighted to have her father involved in that activity and you have my blessing if DD18 is on board.

I appreciate your kind words about my girls. Regardless of the trials and tribulations that we experience there is a bond between us that nothing will break. People may come and go in their lives but I will always be here for them, no matter what. They might not always act like it, but they know that, too.

Chrysalis123


Two can play that game.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 8:49 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2110 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
gettherefromhere
Member
Member # 22932
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I wouldn't respond at all.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Feb 2009
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Chrysalis--I just read your post on the NPD forum.

I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I have three girls in their 20s and their father is about as NPD as you can get. He's married to a woman who has never been married and has no children. Thankfully she has never contacted me directly but she has said plenty of stupid stuff to my girls. I think she's been warned to stay away from me.

Anyway, I can empathize. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2110 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

My hat is off to you Meanie Mouse!!! I'm still laughing at how clever that is.

Now, I am a soft spoken kindergarten teacher .....do I have the guts to send it?..


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Sure you do. It's nice, compliments her for what she did and in a very kindergarten-teacher-like way tells her to bite you.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 8:58 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2110 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I would be very careful to leave out any pleasantries:

"You are completely uninformed, and your concern is misplaced."

If you have to answer at all...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20152 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I wouldn't respond. Or send something like, "I appreciate your concern for DD18. However, I don't wish you [find it appropriate/necessary for you] to broker my relationship with my daughter. I'm sure you understand."

No need to say anything about the dress. If DD18 is choosing to live there, then they are responsible for that.

I don't even remember having a dress for HS graduation. I think we all wore shorts/t-shirts under our robes.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

If you are inclined to respond, Meaniemouse's version, or some variation therein, is not bad at all.

You are in a tough position, but I think you are right that you need to hold to it where your DD18 is concerned. They simply don't get it, and I doubt your NPDX's input has helped the situation much.

GF sounds codependent and clueless at best. Perhaps with a bit of condescension thrown in due to her inability to relate to what is really going on here.

((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4515 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

My response? "Back the f*&k off!"

But, I may be in one of my menopausal mood swings right now. So take that into consideration.

I don't think a response is necessary. She doesn't know what the hell she is talking about and nothing you say to her will enlighten her.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
ImNellNow
Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I like short and sweet responses, like...

Dear CurrentChickie,
What a surprise to receive your email. Please tell NPD-X to contact me about any issues regarding our DD.
Sincerely, Chrysalis123


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
whyohwhyohwhy
Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I think Lyonesse and Nell have the best responses, if you reply at all.

It is awfully presumptuous of her to intervene in this situation, and it does sound condescending.

I think it will just start a negative email exchange if you reply, and it will continue to escalate.


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

As a recovering codep, if she is a codep too, then I have to say I understand her motivations behind the letter and think it was written probably with the best of intentions. I can totally see myself writing a letter like that because I'm one of those genuine "just want to help and see everyone getting along" types. For a codep, a letter like that would not be motivated out of a desire to step in between you & your daughter, or overstep a boundary, or anything sinister.

Now if the GF is just a bitch, then the letter is completely inappropriate and a power play. I'm just trying to give you the perspective of someone who was terminally codep.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9653 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Hoops
Member
Member # 22721
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I am going to take a different approach because I see it differently.

I see this as the GF reaching out to you. I bet this was a very hard email to compose and send for her. It almost sounds like you are punishing the GF just because she is with your ex, you said you know nothing about her.

You have already stated you have no intention of buying DD a dress but this woman is asking your permission first. Not only that, as much as you want to hate her, she is in your daughters life and can be an influence on her (as can any adult your child comes into contact with: teachers, her friends parents, even your adult friends.) Maybe GF can offer insight to what is going on, from your daughters perspective, from an outside perspective. Maybe she can influence different behaviors. And if things are so bad between you and DD, think of the information she has on you and where it comes from. I wonder if she doesn't realize how badly your daughter is treating you. Not to pit her against your daughter but to influence DD to be nicer towards you or so you can both see both sides.

If you make GF the bad person she will be (for you), but if you make her an asset to your relationship with DD then that too can happen and find out if she is a good person (GF). By pitting kids against the ex's new SO or spouse you only put your kids in a really bad position becuase they just might like the new person. Not only that, when kids visit the ex, they are in her home and GF/spouse is the adult so there needs to be a certain amount of respect, and that is going to start with you (just as you would expect/wish for the same if you had a SO living in your home). Suppose the ex's do find someone nice who has their act together and would be a good influence, wouldn't that be nice!

There are so many influences in childrens lives it is unbelieveable and if the GF is a positive influence (has a job, nice person, does the right things in life), then why not embrace that fact.

Just because she doesn't have kids of her own does not mean she is not capable of being a good influence or that she should not want to do things with/for your daughter. I see this all as her trying to help and I felt like she was really trying to be kind to you.


GF is reaching out to you and wants to try to establish some sort of relationship with you, you who are very important to your daughter. She is trying to set an example and establish a cordial relationship so when you all do have to get together for DD you can demonstrate how to move on and still be civil to one another.

Just imagine how it would be if you were with someone and you were in the situation of the GF..... You see a young lady having a terrible time with her mom whom she misses and needs and you feel this way. Would you really turn a blind eye and not try to reach out? What about if you were with someone with kids? Would you try to reach out to the ex whom he shares time with the kids? At least make it less uncomfortable when you have to spend time together?

She clearly likes your daughter and is trying to incorperate her into their lives. It could be the opposite, she could make your daughter feel very unwelcomed by not caring and pushing her away.

Maybe GF has no idea what stuff was gifts from the kids, maybe she has influenced your Ex to get more involved with your kids and just maybe the things they are doing they really think they are being helpful with.

It is very tough to become part of someones life when there are kids, it is such a fine line. We all just want to move on with our lives and incorpetate our past families with our new ones, and that can be made tougher or easier depending on how we handle the situation.


Just offering a different perspective on the situation.


BW (Me) 44
W(ex)H 46 .... SA, Alcoholic, compulsive liar
DD 12-03-08
Divorced: 9-14-10
Now: Happily married to a great guy who has the same birthday as my DD! Ironic. Now it is just my husband's birthday.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Va
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Unfortunately on this site, we see all kinds of bad behaviour. My first thought is always sinister. I think I've become jaded.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Ick! I guess I'm negative today because to me that email was just oozing with faux niceness.

If I were you I would respond, but only address the single thing in that long diatribe that requires a response, the dress:

Dear fake bitch who is dating my XH,

Thank you for your note about DD's graduation dress. As long as she's okay with it, please feel free to go dress shopping with her.

Again, thank you for asking.



Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 825 | Registered: Dec 2005
BeingNaive
Member
Member # 30652
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I'm with Hoops on how I viewed her email.

To me, it seems like she cares about your daughter and would like to meet with you to kinda get to see who you really are vs the stories she might have heard. She might also feel like she could help your daughter if she was able to give you some "behind the scenes" information on how your daughter is reacting to your "tough love and realistic consequences". I'm not saying that you're wrong about how you're responding to your daughter, just that the GF seems concerned for your daughter.

[This message edited by BeingNaive at 1:46 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 171 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

You said you think maybe events get whitewashed for the GF to make you look like the meanie. Maybe she has this hunch as well. Perhaps you should take her up on the offer and fill her in on the truth.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49473 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I keep wondering how else she could have phrased the request?

Sure Chrysalis may not feel inclined ot have coffee with this person. Totally understandable. But I'm not sure how else this e-mail could have been written. Its a tricky situation and I'm not sure the content of the e-mail its self is all that offensive.

Chrysalis - you are under no obligation to respond, accept or deal with her in anyway. If you don't want to interact with her...don't...don't even respond. She'll get the point.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

ďMany of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.Ē -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

GF just needs to understand that even if her intentions are entirely pure, you do not need her to mediate in your relationship with your own daughter.

If you did need someone to fill that role, a professional would be a better fit for that than your X's GF of 5 months.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
ImNellNow
Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I've been trained to nice people into doing what I want. Lemme break down the letter for you, as I read it.

Paragraph1: Hi! I'm a friendly, fun-loving person! I'm not so sure about you, though.

Paragraph2: Offer I could make to the 18yo girl herself, except it's actually a ploy to get you thinking that I'm a generous, giving person so you won't notice that I'm begging you to take this troubled young lady off our hands for a while, because I am getting a little tired of having to live with a father; this is NOT how Father Knows Best showed teenage children behaving!

Paragraph3: Inane feel good crap so you forget that I just tried to guilt you into doing something that would benefit me more than anyone else in this entire cast.

Paragraph4: Remember how I'm friendly and fun-loving!

ETA: I went back to read her email one more time and I am amazed at the bubble wrap job she did... the equal amount of ass-kissing and hand-shaking on either side of the "you are abandoning your daughter, you bad bad mom" message. I almost want to count words to see if they are exactly even. What does CurrentChickie do for a living?

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 5:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Interesting - I agree with everyone (how codependent is that!!?? )Actually I'm leaning toward Nature Girl's take. (An NPD is going to seek out Co-dependent).

But however the letter was meant, whatever it's intent,or purpose...and regardless of the sincerity or duplicitous nature of the send - Here's the thing - you don't want any new strings or threads that lead backward to an NPD X, soo... I'd go with short response: "I have no objection to your dress shopping plans, but thank you for asking, that was very considerate."

As for the rest - I wouldn't touch it, cause it could too easily draw you back in to the blackhole... If her intentions are good - she won't do any harm. If they aren't - you avoid giving her (or your daughter) fodder for future feuds...



"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks Hoop for your take on the letter.

First, I do not know the women nor do I hate her. I actually feel badly for her because Npd-x unrecovered alchololic will not treat her well as he does not think he has done one thing wrong, so doesn't need help. According to him I am the problem...and give it a few years and she will be the problem.

I pit no one against anyone.....I am complete no contact with Npd-x as well as all of his friends. That is what helped me survive this nightmare.

I see no reason to change my stance on NC, just because this GF moved to town. My kids are late teens and after next year both will be gone and there will be need for any contact at all except for weddings or funerals. I do not care to be her friend, therapist, or anything at all.. To me that is a slippery slope to triangulation...a favorite tactic of X-Npd (and I suspect as the root fo this email)

The way I look at it is I mind my side of the street. I have heard a few earfuls of complaints against GF from my teens. But would never dream of sending her an email. Heck her relationship with my kids is her business not mine. My kids get to decide how to interact with her. Of course, I am glad she is nice to them...but I have no idea of how much I hear is reality or not.

I guess I am different than you, as I would not reach out to the x-wife if her kid was having trouble with her. Not my place....it is the father-mother-therapist's deal. Not me...the gf. Not in anyway sayng that approach is wrong, just not for me.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

My initial reaction to this email was shocked she sent this....how presumptuous for a women without children to intrude into my family and my life.

^^THIS is spot on. She has been there 5m. Its not like she has been there for a decade and understands the dynamic.

She has no place contacting you like this on a topic like this at a time like this.

**Crickets**


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5556 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)


Paragraph1: Hi! I'm a friendly, fun-loving person! I'm not so sure about you, though.

Paragraph2: Offer I could make to the 18yo girl herself, except it's actually a ploy to get you thinking that I'm a generous, giving person so you won't notice that I'm begging you to take this troubled young lady off our hands for a while, because I am getting a little tired of having to live with a father; this is NOT how Father Knows Best showed teenage children behaving!

Paragraph3: Inane feel good crap so you forget that I just tried to guilt you into doing something that would benefit me more than anyone else in this entire cast.

Paragraph4: Remember how I'm friendly and fun-loving!

ETA: I went back to read her email one more time and I am amazed at the bubble wrap job she did... the equal amount of ass-kissing and hand-shaking on either side of the "you are abandoning your daughter, you bad bad mom" message. I almost want to count words to see if they are exactly even. What does CurrentChickie do for a living?

Nell, thank you so much. You put into words exactly what I was sensing.

And Take2, I do not want any threads leading back to the NPD. GF has no idea of what the kids and I have been put through, and would not believe me if I told her. Experience has been a very hard teacher due to my thick head and codependent nature. I have no intention of playing happy family with them, even if she is the nicest gal in the world. She picked him...I am out KWIM?

My quandary is to do the best thing for my DD18, who I fear is teetering on the edge of NPD herself.

I wonder if I should forward the email to DD18?? Probably a bad idea.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

No, don't invite more people into the crazy! Either ignore it (hard to do) or thank her (insincerely if you want) for sending the email and ask her to kindly give NPD-X's balls back to him.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Oh, and an NPD is also likely to be drawn to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (especially of the "waif" variety). Go ahead, ask me how I know.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

How do you know?


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

At various points over the past year, wifetress has reached out with similar emails/texts. In general, I've thanked her and was done with it. A couple of contacts were helpful, she let me know that my daughter was upset and crying about my SO's father dying. And while she never expressed an interest in "getting together to chat" the implication was there. My thoughts each time were a mix of pretty much each one of your responses, a generous mix of "skanky whore, don't talk to me about my sweet dd to at least one of them is letting me know what is going on in their lives.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

If I am remembering correctly, didn't your daughter just tell you that you could cohost a graduation party with NPDex and gf if you kicked in $10 per head and you could then invite 20 people?

My guess is that this little overture is at the behest of your daughter who wants the extra 20 invited to get herself some extra gifts. Since you said no, she is having girlfriend butter you up to cohost (the ultimate goal of the coffee meeting). The NPD doesn't seem to have fallen far from the tree here...


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4083 | Registered: Sep 2005
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Chrysalis,

I agree with Hoops interpretation but I also agree that you should not interact and make ties with GF. A simple reply saying that its ok for her to get the dress would be appropriate and thank her for asking. That should be it. Let the rest lie. All the rest is to suck you in but that part sounds legit.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I cannot believe that his is so unclear. Seriously, Chrys, this person is the 'twinkie du jour'. She's only been in his life for 5 months. ALL of this is none of her business. Whether she's evil or has the best of intentions, she obviously has poor boundaries and a severe lack of interpersonal skills. IF she ever becomes the wifey, you'll have to deal with her on some level, but now she needs to butt out. Don't form any kind of relationship with her and most certainly do NOT allow her to think she can advise you on mother/daughter relationships.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20152 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

^^ 100% this!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

THIS.

Well, I do, but I figure "Fuck Off!" is not what you're looking for.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Not my exact advice, but here's another option.

Approach dd18 calmly and give her permission to allow her father to buy the dress.

The vibe I'm getting from this is that gf and dd18 constructed this plan somewhat together. she wants the dress. gf wants to look cool. dd18 isnt mature enough to realize that you will see through their strategy. One way or another, Im sure they both really want her to get that dress.

Either don't respond to the email at all, or respond and say "I will discuss this with dd, thank you. I probably wouldnt even mention to whole coffee invitation.

Short and sweet baby.


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Also, if you feel so inclined, give a hint to dd that you are more quick witted than what she thinks. dont mention the email from gf to her. say something to her about the tumultuousness of mother-daughter relationships, and how mothers have an intuition unlike that of anyone else, and are quite perceptive and observant when it comes to the wants and behaviors of their children....and sometimes of others too.

my mom used to make "general" statements like this. scared the hell out of me.

[This message edited by survivor_kh at 2:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

^^^^^ OMG survivor! I just relived the morning my dad (the trained mediator) sat 17-year-old me down at the kitchen table and faux-casually asked, "So, Nell, what time did you get home last night?"

I seriously need a healthy pour of scotch right now. Second-to-worst moment of my life!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone! You have given me a lot to think about.

I haven't answered the email yet, and feel no overwhelming urge to do so right now. Perhaps that is my answer.


Anyway, Thanks for having my back and I appreciate everyone's time on this.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 45