SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: H hasn't been to mc yet now seems to be avoiding it
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Opinions wanted. I found a mc and I went for initial meeting alone not to waste my H's time if I didn't like her. I've been three more times by myself.

Monday I told him we have an appt for Friday. He came home late from work and the first thing he said to me was that he thought the counseling was something for me. I said its called marriage counseling. He was like ok.

Then, last night he comes home late again and the first thing he says to me is he doesn't think he can make it because he has a client meeting first thing.

Appt is for 8:45 for 45 minutes and its not even a ten minute walk to his office.

Opinions welcomed.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Good morning Sleepy,
For me MC is just non negotiable in the R process. How can you do it without it? Is that even possible?
We have an excellent MC, but in March WH decided he didn't need to go anymore. He says he wants to fix this and stay married, but then checks himself out of MC? Just doesn't add up does it?
I think going to MC is crucial, plus shouldn't he be supporting you in everything you think is important? I think I am talking to myself more than you, thanks for listening!
Take care!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 488 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

MC is a must for me as well. WH has the ability to make our appointments so they don't conflict with his work.

Can he reschedule to a better day/time? If not, you might want to consider that he is avoiding it for a reason.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I don't want to be in counseling either. I really dislike it, but I thought we needed to do it, and I thought it would help me communicate my feelings.

He thinks his crap is behind us, and we should move on. He has so why I haven't I? is his attitude.

I think he's avoiding something. What? I'm not sure, but I think it is the acknowledgement out loud that his actions make him that same piece of shit husband/father that he thinks he is so much better than. By avoiding counseling he can avoid confronting his choices.

I am going to ask him tonight why he's avoiding it, and an 8:45 am appointment should accomodate him just fine. He if he can't make it then I am going to make him schedule the next appointment so it works on his schedule. So sick of this.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

So sorry. This does suck. I take a very hard line on this. It worked for me, perhaps it will work for you.
Without knowing all details, why haven't you taken a really hard position on this? He cheated, twice.
Has he given you anything to believe this time?
Here's my suggestion. Get pissed, pull up your bitch boots and tell him how this reconciliation is going to go. MC, IC, whatever makes you feel safe. If he's not willing, personally, i would make the attorney appointment to find out my options.
He made decisions about you and your life without your knowledge. He lost his right to make them now.
I know this is hard, but sometimes, you just have to 2x4 them in the head in order for them to see what is really at cost here. Is he so in his own importance, that it's ok to risk you and his family?
Pull up those boots, and take control. If you don't, you risk this situation again.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I agree he's likely avoiding on purpose. Who wants to open themselves up when they have behaved abhorrently? A good MC will allow the WS to maintain their dignity while still facing their issues.

Let your H know that if he feels really uncomfortable he can speak up; he is not a hostage. But that this is something that is nonnegotiable for you.

Good luck!!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks for all your responses. Now, I'm seesawing on how to proceed.

I intended to nicely speak to him tonight and ask why he's avoiding. I don't think I will really get an answer, but it's clear this "appointment" is weighing on him since it's the first thing he mentions when he sees me.

So, right now I'm in a pissy mood, I don't trust him, and I kind of feel like saying screw trying to talk to him tonight, and if he can't be bothered coming Friday then I will tell him not to come home. I'm sure I'd puss out though. I clearly have trouble standing my ground with him.


UPDATE: H texted earlier that he can't make Friday MC appointment because of the client meeting. He asked if we could do a different time or early next week.

I texted back time/date and nothing else. I didn't hear back for several hours, and the text I received was to tell me will be having another late night. He hasn't been home before 9 the past two nights.

He also HATES his job and is desperately trying to get out of it. I think he needs the therapy not me.

[This message edited by Sleepy312 at 4:43 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I'm never going to get anywhere with this. H is never home. It's almost ten, and he isn't home. He was out of town last week. I'm gone on the weekends for kids' hockey. FML. I ready to give up and just live with the fucking elephant in the room.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Why does he have to work so late?

WH wouldn't go to counseling either at first and I let it go. Big mistake.

After we had gone to MC for quite a while, WH said he wouldn't go before because he was still lying.

After last big Dday, I told him MC or he could move his ass out.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

He's working late get presentations ready for client meetings which he has two today. He got home at 11 last night and he has an 8am meeting this morning.

It's frustrating.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Sorry - 2 X 4, slightly gentle, I hope.

He's either unremorseful or scared or both. I'd bet a lot that fear is part of it.

Your H is dodging the work he needs to do to R, and maybe you are, too - unless you like to live with noisome stuff under the rug.

Shoot the elephant. Go 180.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I have to agree with sisoon's. I avoided MC for almost a year. Honestly I was afraid WH would not want to work on R and faced with making a tough decision. When I finally came to the conclusion we could not avoid the problems and needed professional help things started to get better. WH was very willing to work on our marriage (it took him six months to finally come out of the fog) and it still has been a bumpy ride. But it is getting better. We can now talk about our feelings and the "walking on eggshells" feelings are getting less. Avoidance of seeking help is not very encouraging. I am so sorry.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

He found the time to cheat but he can't make the time for MC? Ask him how he worked the OW into his schedule.

I'm not being snarky, I'm just saying he can figure it out if it is important to him.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37750 | Registered: Sep 2007
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

He found the time to cheat but he can't make the time for MC? Ask him how he worked the OW into his schedule.

^^^^^This.

I get having to work late and having a demanding job, but that's what laptops are for. I don't know any office job that can't be done remotely these days. Did he at least call or text to check in? Someone truly committed to R would be doing that.

XH was very stubborn about MC at first. He went, but was ALWAYS late, and just seemed determined to sabotage the entire process. And guess what? He was still lying. Is it possible your H is still having an affair? Does he work with AP? I just find his convenient workload and resistance to MC to be red flags.

It's frustrating as hell, but until he's fully on board, you can only take care of yourself. Make a mental deadline of when you'll confront him with an ultimatum--two choices, in or out. If he's in, then it's MC by a certain date, no excuses. If he's out, tell him to take a bag with him next time he has a client meeting, because he won't be coming back to your place.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
Topic Posts: 14