SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: T/J ...withdrawal
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

There are a few among our ranks struggling with withdrawal. We want them to confess and own their stuff because we know that''s the most important thing they can do right now. ...But I remember being there and my withdrawal was terrible. I drew strength from SI and ended up confessing my A to my BH. I really believe that is what helped with my fog and my withdrawal.

I posted in another thread that "there is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it." I had been lurking a while and was probably mostly through withdrawal and fog when I confessed. Several others who confessed seemed to have done the same...

...I''m not sure I was right about that. I was thinking about BS posts I have read in other forums stating how hard it was for the BS to watch their wayward going through withdrawal. I can imagine how painful that would be.

But then again, the BS has a right to know...why you are tearful, anxious, depressed, edgy, miserable. I certainly don''t advocate using your BS'' pain to help you process your own but I feel handing my BH his d-day helped snap me out of the fog and withdrawal pretty quick. That wasn''t why I confessed though.

There is Maia''s survival guide, and MessedUpChick''s confessions post but anyone else have any suggestions we can share on helping with withdrawal?


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Neithan
Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

there is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it

There may be something to be said for it, but I have nothing good to say for it. Not from my point of view.

Speaking as a BH here, the most important things WW can show me are her true and honest feelings. No filters, no barriers, no subterfuge, minimization, misdirection or lying.

Only then do I get the info I need to make the best possible decisions for myself.

Seeing the truth is often very painful, but it's always worked out worse when the truth was hidden from me.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 328 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Thank you Neithan,
That statement hasn''t been sitting all that comfortable with me. I think I''m feeling some selfishness behind it but haven''t worked it out yet. It takes me a while sometimes.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

"there is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it."

In some way, isn't that still making a choice for the BS without their permission? In my opinion, it's like dating someone but never letting them see you without makeup (probably a bad analogy). As a BS, I want to know who my real wife is, the beautiful and ugly parts. It's the only way to have an authentic relationship. I wasn't aware of the ugly parts until one day I saw her without makeup (still an analogy!), if you get what I'm saying.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3926 | Registered: Dec 2011
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Th thing is, everyone is different. For every BS that is grateful their WS was "over" the AP before confession, there is another BS that is madder than a wet hen locked out of the hen house in an April thunderstorm because their WS knew what was going on all along and kept them out of the loop. They see every day that they were in the dark as another day the WS didn't care about them. Regardless of the fact the A may be over and the WS is moving on.

There is no "right" or "perfect" way to do this. We can sit here and discuss whether we should be non-fogged or not before confession. And again, there is a con to every pro. Either way, the BS is going to face monumental pain.

In my humble opinion, the day you "wake up" and realize something has to change, that is the day you confess. For or no fog. Withdrawal or no withdrawal. The BS needs to know what they have married, what they are dealing with, and decide whether they are willing to put up with it. Otherwise, we are still making decisions for them that really shouldn't be left up to us. kwim?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I think I'm clueing in...I should have stuck with this:
But then again, the BS has a right to know
^I think this is always the right answer.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

..I'm not sure I was right about that. I was thinking about BS posts I have read in other forums stating how hard it was for the BS to watch their wayward going through withdrawal. I can imagine how painful that would be.
Just as we often "know" about the infidelity before we know, we see the grief even if we do not know its source.

It's painful, either way. IMO, it's less so if we know the truth. There is nothing worse than knowing something is horribly wrong, while being told otherwise. I'm not the first BS to say--nor will I be the last--that it's not the infidelity that ends a marriage; it's the behavior surrounding it.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

*humbly*
I apologize for the comment. And thank you to those who cared to point out their take on it.

I think I would do better to take myself out of the equation when thinking about how to help others. It gets in the way of objectivity. I think I will sit quietly for a while and work on getting this beam out....


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

There is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it.

In more plain terms - hide the affair from your spouse until you decide it's the right time for him to know the truth. This is just lying, and continued disrespect to the BS. The BS is not a child that needs someone to decide for him when it's appropriate to let him in on the reality of the person he's living with. The day we realize we've been unfaithful is the day the truth should be told. There is no "too early" to tell the truth IMO. I haven't gone thru one day without thinking I wish I had been honest at the very first day there was an inkling of EA in my mind, and had been honest with my BH everyday since then. That is the only way to have a truely respectful, loving marriage - complete honesty. I lost so much of our time and created such deep pain because of this mentality of hiding truths from my husband because I thought it would be better for him to not know. I wish I can make every WS see how important it is to confess and tell the truth TODAY no matter how the WS feel. Being free from lies is the only way we can start living a life worth living.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 365 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I wish I had been honest at the very first day there was an inkling of EA in my mind, and had been honest with my BH everyday since then.
This is true for me too.

I'm very concerned right now about why I had to think about this. What got in the way of me seeing this clearly?

I guess I will t/j myself and tell off...

Recently my BH, our kids, and I were at the ball field at the same time as fAP and his BW. The BW saw me because my kids told me some lady we had walked past said, "...and there's the witch now..." I hadn't seen her and was distracted because it was the first time I had seen my college DD in a couple months so I said, "I didn't see her, she must have been talking to someone else." Shortly after it dawned on me that it was likely fAP's BW.

The girls talked about it in front of BH so he was instantly on high alert. I never did see her or maybe I did and didn't realize it was her (she's lost a lot of weight and looks different, BH wasn't sure he was seeing her either). BUT I did glimpse fAP. I made it a point not to look and was concerned about keeping BH away from that area.

I didn't tell BH until several days after that I had seen fAP. (Lie of ommision.)The excuse I gave myself was that I wanted BH to be okay. He's very concerned about how he/we behave in public, blah, blah, blah...

What I think now is. I had no right. I should have told him I saw the fAP immediately and trusted him to handle it the way he saw fit. He is a big boy and has proven he has much better judgment than I.

*sadly*I'm not there yet...not anywhere near where I need to be. I want to help others but I still need desperately to help myself.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

At first I didn't want to tell my BH that I was having withdrawal. I thought it would hurt him more. But when I would be anxious/sad/crying, he would want to comfort me even though I didn't feel like I deserved being comforted. I didn't want to pull away from him and have him believe I really didn't want to R. So I finally told him what I was really feeling and going thru and (surprising to me) he understood. And as I try to help him with his healing, he has also tried to help with mine. The A was not reality and just fantasy and he has helped me see that and it helped my withdrawal to be able to talk to him. I know it's painful for him to talk about the withdrawal; he told me so. But he also wants to always be there for me. It helps to keep things transparent, even the ugly truth about my thoughts and feelings.


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I originally agreed with your initial comment and I still do.

We can all say what's technically right and wrong. There is a text book answer for everything in life. But real life situations and contexts demand real life behaviours. My intense withdrawal after d-day was terrible and although I told my husband about the affair shortly after the reaction was so far from text book.

From my own personal experience, living with someone knowing they are not getting out of bed for days because they're heartbroken about another man, is not something EVERY person wants to see, no matter how honest.

I agree fully the honesty needs to come but can it come at a bit of a later stage when your nose is not so full of snot and your eyes less puffy so you can see? Haven't we hurt our BS's enough for them to have to see that state also?


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

In my humble opinion, the day you "wake up" and realize something has to change, that is the day you confess. For or no fog. Withdrawal or no withdrawal. The BS needs to know what they have married, what they are dealing with, and decide whether they are willing to put up with it. Otherwise, we are still making decisions for them that really shouldn't be left up to us. kwim?

This totally.

Knightsbff,

What did your BH say about you waiting to give him that info about seeing the FAP?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Tiredgirl,
He wasn't happy. He wanted to know why I waited and I told him the truth.

We have a dynamic that I think is unhealthy. I protect him from things. Screen his phone calls, write his emails and text messages (he's embarrassed by his dyslexic spelling even though he writes well), I straightened out a contract problem at work.

I think part of me waiting to tell him was this unhealthy habit, but I think there is another part. Fear of the anger it would trigger in him. I don't know why I would run from his anger now, he's respectful and safe. There was some name calling right after d-day but that is very unlike him and hasn't happened in a very long time.

He said I should have trusted him and let him handle it however he decided to. He's right.

edited for clarity

[This message edited by knightsbff at 8:40 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

bookjunkie,
I think it bodes very well for your marriage that you and your BH can communicate even when it's painful. Turning toward each other is a big part of this.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Trying,
I agree textbook answers don't always work. But I still feel that for me to condone purposefully waiting to confess to a BH until after withdrawal was wrong.

I didn't wait because of withdrawal, I waited because I was afraid. For some waiting could mean D when the relationship might have been saved had the wayward confessed sooner.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

My BH had to watch me going through withdrawal from the xAP.
I was caught - and so thinking about confessing was nowhere near my radar at the time. :( Tragic but true. I kept lying and lying "to protect him" - actually out of fear for myself. Once the A was outed and I was "trying" to maintain NC I hit withdrawal. It was shit. I remember the physical signs - heart racing, sweating, shakking, nausea - I remember the mental signs, can;t concentrate, everything draws my mind back to the AP etc etc. Makes me so sad to think I got that addicted. I know deep down I was addicted to the high of how I felt, rather than the AP himself, but I really wanted the high back.
I felt so alone. Of course I was kidding myself that the AP "understood" the real situation. He obviously just wanted what he wanted out of it, but at that point he was the only person I wasn't actually lying to all the time. The only person I thought "understood", mainly because everyone else was seeing exactly what I was doing for what it was in the cold light of day. Moreover they could see my BH's pain and natually that won hands down.
I was all over the place anyway - trying to keep on top of work (what a joke); trying to eat, sleep and face my BH, trying to juggle the lies - the I remember this.
One day I sat on the sofa in our sitting room and said "I'm not going to lie to you anymore, I do love the AP and I don't know how I feel about you". Honest, yes at the time; misguided, totally and utterly; fair, absolutely not. That sentence right there is what haunts my BH.
I don't have the answer to what the right way is.
I know confessing gets you way further along the R path than be caught, and TTing. My BH said earlier he thinks this is because at least the BS can hang on the a vestige of belief that the WS has a tiny bit of conscience about what they did and how wrong it was. He said that confession gives a BS one thing that your will never get as the BS who catches their WS - hope.
I know that confessing right at the start, right when you catch yourself having wayward style thoughts is the best time. I know that the longer you leave it, the more lies you tell, the harder it gets to confess and the worse it is for the BS.
I know that either way most BSs are likely to witness the WS withdraw/grieve/mourn for the AP (or at least the feeling that the AP gave the WS). I don't know how you avoid it.
But I do know that you can avoid hurting your BS with your pain....I know that saying shit like I did does not alleviate your pain and the pain you cause your BS will last and last.
I didnt say what I said back then to hurt him; I said it because he was begging for total honesty - and that was what I felt, so I told him. Should I? I don't know. I wish I hadn't felt that way. I wish I hadn't expressed it like that. I wish I'd realised that I was just another addict, and it wasn't about the AP at all. I wish I'd realised that I missed the feeling safe and loved and protected and I felt so so so alone. I wish I'd told him that, because at his core that was the truth, it's just I didn't even know that.
You can't protect your BS from the pain you caused them and your withdrawal is part of that. But you can stop to dig down to what you really feel before you express it. Maybe that's all a WS can do to remain honest but respectful of their pain...I don't know.
Of course, the ideal would be to talk about our needs and problems and share our lives openly with our spouses - then none of us would be here....


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

You can't protect your BS from the pain you caused them and your withdrawal is part of that. But you can stop to dig down to what you really feel before you express it.
^this is good advice!


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Even though my BH didn't witness my withdrawal knowing that I had it hurts him...we talk about this stuff so it still hurts.

Thinking a little bit more about withdrawal I do agree that I wasn't really withdrawing from the AP but from the feelings of the A.

AND I think my withdrawal had a lot to do with abandonment issues. I too went under the bus.

The studies about brain chemistry and romantic rejection...I'm a believer.

Abandonment issues and rejection are topics I probably need to revisit some day. Not today though. Boundaries are for breakfast lunch and dinner today.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:57 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, May 10th (Friday)

But you can stop to dig down to what you really feel before you express it. Maybe that's all a WS can do to remain honest but respectful of their pain...I don't know.

I really agree with this. I used to think that complete transparency with my H means saying every single unfiltered thought on my mind. I have since learned that I need to be mindful and sensitive of how that person may feel with my comments no matter how honest. That doesn't mean I'm not honest or real, it just means sometimes it's okay to not share every single internal thought. I guess this is about boundaries?

AND I think my withdrawal had a lot to do with abandonment issues. I too went under the bus.

This has been hard for me. It was abrupt and shocking for everyone involved. I rugswept this and it needs to be processed.

I've always had issues with never feeling good enough. This reinforced those issues. What I'm starting to realise is it actually had nothing to do with me as a person, but more with the situation as a whole. Someone on SI once described it as being a "casualty of war". Perhaps within all this there are ego issues too. It's all my own shit and I'm owning it.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
etaoin
Member
Member # 33270
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

This thread is just what I needed today. I'm doing everything one is supposed to do, and I could not understand why I have been feeling so crushed after 4 1/2 months. I have to keep telling myself that I miss the feelings and not the person.

I had no idea how hard this was going to be. I told my C recently that I do believe it would be easier to D. R is the difficult path.

Thank you for the thoughtful posts.

Does anyone think it would be a good idea to volunteer to my BW when I pine for my AP? Or will that do harm? It does not seem like a burden I should put on another.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Sep 2011
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Eta,
Read OctoberMest''s post in this thread and read uncertainone''s thread, "What if it''s rejection?"

I think honestly communicating your feelings brings you closer together, but making sure you understand what you are feeling first can help you avoid unnecessarily hurting your BS further.

Keep up the mental NC and these feelings diminish over time.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1426 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I know deep down I was addicted to the high of how I felt, rather than the AP himself, but I really wanted the high back.

BH and I were talking this morning, that when I was shooting up "the A drug," the high outranked my husband and family. Totally true, and shamefully hurtful--during the A, and even after DD.

And I'm definitely in withdrawal. It has helped us to talk about the A in the context of an addiction.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 23