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User Topic: Raped by exwh *possible tmi*
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Several kind posters have finally made me come to realize that during my marriage to WH I was repeatedly raped. I would say probably for 7 years out of our 9.5 year marriage.

It's still hard for me to admit he did that to me. I have been in serious denial. I have even gone so far to say that it must not have been as bad as it sounds because I don't suffer any lasting trauma....... Or so I thought.

This weekend my SO was in town to visit me. We have NOT had sex together as we are trying to take things slow. We were making out and got pretty close to going all the way. During this time I kept having two thoughts running thru my mind:
1. This is the man I love and want to marry
And
2. I want him to rape me.

After that day I feel like I need help. I have made an appointment to see a counselor. I'm not really sure where I start with that as I still think sometimes it wasn't rape (he didn't take no for an answer, he would wait until I was under the effects of Ambien to pressure me to have sex, and/or he would not stop after I told him he was hurting me).

I told SO about my thought and he is sad. He thinks we should cut out the physical until I'm healthy. I disagree.

Does anyone know of some resources regarding healing after rape?

What if no one believes me?

What are the lasting effects from rape?

I never told my family. I really haven't told anyone IRL except for SO.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:54 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Call your local domestic violence shelter... they will have a list of resources for you.

You aren't the first person to be raped by her H. Most abusers use rape as a way to control their victims. You are in no way to blame for his actions.

Please call the shelter... they have the way to healing from this.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

What if no one believes me?
We believe you, courageous. And it sounds like your SO believes you, too.

Are you struggling with believing it? With making it a truth in your life? It's ok if the answer is yes. Something to explore with a counselor.

((((((courageous)))))) You are WORTH the effort to work through this. You are WORTH the time and work it will take to process all of this.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

(((((courageous)))))


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

(((HUGS)))

I agree about holding off on the physical progression of your relationship.

People WILL believe you about being raped. I kept silent about being raped at age 19 while on a date. When I finally started telling people 20 years later I was believed. I kept silent about my grandfather molesting me. When I finally started telling people I was believed. There is healing simply in the act of telling, I have found.

I want healing for you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Are you struggling with believing it? With making it a truth in your life? It's ok if the answer is yes.

Yes I am. For the longest time I felt it was my wifely duty and that it was wrong to withhold sex. He was my husband. It was my job to keep him sexually satisfied.

I have been led to believe that you should follow thru when a man is aroused and not leave him in pain. It got to the point that I didn't want to have any physical contact with him so that he wouldn't get turned on.

Acknowledging it means that something really bad happened to me.... that it really was bad.... that I am NOT okay.... that I WAS violated. My best defense mechanism for most of my life has been to just pretend it doesn't exist. If it didn't exist than it can't hurt me.

I was also molested in middle school and several times since then. I wonder if I put off this air asking to be abused. I feel like I have a target on me that directs abusers to me.

I forgot to add that he would also not let me go to sleep until I gave in to sex. I learned after a while just to give in right away so I could sleep.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Your counselor will be able to better walk you through the early stages of recovery. Take things slow the next time your starting to get intimate and if you start to have those feeling slow the pace down. It also might be helpful for you to take the lead, you set the pace.

It's a long constant battle and I'm not sure you can ever be 100% recovered but if your willing to do the work it does get better.

(((courageous))) Your so strong. Just admitting this takes so much strength.

[This message edited by jennie160 at 8:39 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

(((courageous)))
(((jennie)))

Courageous- I believe you. Whether you want to call it rape or sexual abuse, you were violated. What you experienced is NOT part of a healthy, loving relationship. There ARE going to be lasting effects which you may not comprehend the full extent of right now.

You are absolutely making a wise decision seeking IC. I would urge you to find a GOOD one, and preferably one that specializes in helping survivors of sexual abuse/rape.

It was a revelation and a wondrous thing for me to realize my IC had experienced the same things as me. Please don't take my meaning incorrectly. I was NOT glad she endured the same types of horrible things that I did as a child. I would not wish this on anyone and actually it is my 'soapbox' issue even now. BUT, at that point, I felt that she actually GOT it. She got where I was coming from, what my emotions were, what I actually face in my healing... she just got me, which was a great feeling- to be understood and validated. THAT was the wondrous part. It also gave her guidance more meaning, because she had gone through what I have and utilized the techniques she's offering me for herself. She didn't go into too much detail but it sounds like maybe she had even experienced worse abuse than me. We were both tearing up that day.

I hope that this makes sense and that no one interprets my last paragraph incorrectly.

More hugs to you.

(((courageous)))
(((jennie)))


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

It may be a good idea to put off a full physical relationship with your SO for a bit. As suggested you should contact a local shelter and get some suggestions for a counselor through them.

You want your relationship with your SO to be healthy, in order to do that you need to be healthy, or at least on the road to being that way.

It sounds like he's a gem and understands what you have gone through.

((hugs))


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I have a close friend who was molested by her babysitter. She did EMDR as part of her therapy to work past it. I have also done EMDR (though not for the same stuff). I am a huge believer in it. It was very helpful for both myself and my friend.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

What exactly is EMDR? How does that work?


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
JKL Vikings
Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Hugs coming from TX
We have your back I ma glad that SO is showing patience and compassion


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 515 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

It sounds like he's a gem and understands what you have gone through.

And

I am glad that SO is showing patience and compassion

I am very grateful that he is such a wonderful guy. He is very careful to make sure I'm 100% comfortable in anything we do together. He even checks my reactions to make sure I'm not hiding my discomfort. He is so good me... I am very lucky.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I''m glad that you''re getting counciling. I didn''t. I figured that I could handle it on my own, that no one would believe me, and I was too embarassed to admit to it. This was back in the ''70s, so things were quite a bit different then. One of my rapes took place while I was in the service, and believe me, as much as you hear of sexual abuse/rape in the military today and how difficult it is for women to get justice, there was no chance in hell of anything approaching justice in the military back then.

The good news is that you can and will get over it. Yep, you''ll have some scars. Just like those infidelity scars. But you can put the work into yourself, just as you did with surviving infideltiy, and have a much better life including really good sex. I do, and I did it all wrong. Took years, though. So go get help. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4714 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Courageous, I have gone back and forth about whether I should add my story here, in such a public forum. I guess consider this another "you are not alone" confirmation.

I too was sexually abused in a relationship in the past, and it took me several years to admit it was rape. Not my XH, but a long term relationship I had while in college. He would give me an "either or" scenario and I had to "choose" what would happen, even though I didn't want any of it.

It wasn't until I told my IC about this during S from my XH (who was not abusive, just an idiot), in terms of, "this relationship isn't that bad, it's better than xyz" that I finally admitted it was rape. It took three hour-long IC sessions of basically arguing with her for me to see it that way. In my mind before, I always had a choice. I could have chosen the other option at any time, so it was never forced on me. Took a lot to see that it was never really a choice, since neither option was something I wanted, and saying no wasn't available as an alternative.

I understand how it feels to "allow" someone to abuse you, and how hard it is to accept that it was abuse in retrospect, and that you are not at fault. I just want to commend you for coming to this truth and for stepping forward to speak to someone about it. You deserve as much from yourself.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 7:03 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Yes, your IC will believe you,, especially if you go to a Domestic Violence center for counseling. (sliding scale for payment is used, btw)...

Anyway, I do know someone else whose XH used Ambien to sedate her, too, most likely on those creepy sex forums they discuss this stuff, so your IC will not be surprised. BTW I was seeing a younger person first for IC then had to switch to an older therapist bc I didn't want to freak out the young IC with all the freaky stuff my XH did to me.

When I finally told my best friend my XWH had dressed up in women's clothing,,, she said, "Didn't you hear alarms, sirens MAYDAY MAYDA Abandon ship abandon ship!!!!" I told her no, I just got further and further in the fog with him.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:52 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jan 2012
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

((((Amazonia))))

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
CharlieFoxtrot
Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, May 10th (Friday)

((((sexual abuse victims))))

courageous, you are just that for coming forward and seeking help, not only from your SO, IC, but also here at SI. I do understand the fear of not being believed when the truth is so fresh and exposed, but know deep inside that the sickness lies in the secrecy. The shame is not yours to bear, and telling people you trust helps you break free from the bondage of the abuse.

What helped me the most was to start seeing and accepting it as sexual abuse.

I understand how it feels to "allow" someone to abuse you, and how hard it is to accept that it was abuse in retrospect, and that you are not at fault. I just want to commend you for coming to this truth and for stepping forward to speak to someone about it. You deserve as much from yourself.

Beautifully put, Amazonia.

(((((more hugs)))))


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Skan- first I want to thank you for your service and sacrifice for our country. Secondly I'm so sorry for the way you were treated. I have heard the number of sexual assaults on female military is high and I think it's horrible how the women who come forward are treated!

Amazonia- thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I know that was very hard for you.

Jennie- what kind of issues have you had to deal with? I haven't really slept in bed with a guy since exwh. i wonder if being touched in bed while trying to sleep would be a trigger. The sad thing is after giving birth to two kids with big heads I have severe scar tissue from the third degree tears. Sex will be painful for me for a while whether I like the guy or not.

Abbycadabby- I understood what you mean and I think it WOULD be more beneficial getting help from someone who has gone through the similar abuse.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I have been really thinking about why I'm so worried that I won't be believed..... I told our MC that I resented exwh and didn't want him to touch me because when I took Ambien it was like a green light for him and that he didn't take no for an answer. She didn't really address that just that holding onto resent is not good for the marriage. And that my anger was damaging the marriage.

I told my lawyer the same thing and he never said anything about it. So these two people who I considered to be in authority positions said and did nothing.

If the two people I told didn't think it was serious how would anyone else?


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Your lawyer I can see not being able to use that information. You were probably taken seriously, but they legally can't undo the past, and if introduced in court it would just be a he said/she said situation. So for a lawyer it would be best to table that issue.

For the MC? I'm sure you've read here on SI the countless accounts of not just incompetent MC, but downright dangerously incompetent MC. That you told your MC about what your ex did to you and were then dismissed, that tells me you had a dangerously incompetent MC. I think the odds of you telling your truth to a competent IC and getting the help you need to be very high. The trick is finding the competent IC. And THAT, my sister, is why you should contact the domestic violence shelter & ask for a referral. They can direct you to someone who has experience & training in abuse victims.

I have told my IC some of the disgusting things my STBX did to me. She was so outraged that she about came out of her seat for a few, and that's saying a lot because she is normally a very steadfast person. She never disbelieved me or tried to fluff off anything I've shared.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

I was also molested in middle school and several times since then.

Have you read up on child sexual abuse? It rewires your brain. This could be the cause of you putting yourself in situations with men who would violate you. Because your brain has been taught the a man who does not accept "no" is showing you love.

To go even further back, even before the first molestation, did you already think about wifely duty as having sex with your husband regardless of how you felt at the time?

And now moving forward, do you lose interest in men who are not forceful? If your current SO does not have sex with you, will you lose interest in him? In other words, do you weed out the men who are respectful so that you end up with men who force sex on you?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6090 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I haven't read up on child sexual abuse because I guess I haven't really realized that was what it was until recently. I know that I had a messed up view of guys....that they only wanted me for one thing (sex) and when they couldn't get it from me... They left me. I was a big tease.

I know what guys thought of me was what my value was. So if a guy thought I was cheap, I felt cheap and I allowed myself to be treated like that. I have never been told no by a guy (until my SO) and I would try many things to get the guys I dated to say no and they never did.

With SO when he treats me well it freaks me out and it makes me feel off kilter. Being treated so well is hard for me to accept. I have pushed him away several times but he has been very patient and helpful. He talks me through my fears and treats me like a princess.

To go even further back, even before the first molestation, did you already think about wifely duty as having sex with your husband regardless of how you felt at the time?

I think I was in 3rd grade the first time a boy dropped his pants and put my hand directly on his privates. At that tine I wasn't thinking about sex yet so I'm not exactly sure how early on the idea was ingrained into me. I am a Christian and I got married to an agnostic. He ridiculed my beliefs. His father believes a woman's job is to serve her man and to know her role. So I know that didn't help.

And now moving forward, do you lose interest in men who are not forceful? If your current SO does not have sex with you, will you lose interest in him? In other words, do you weed out the men who are respectful so that you end up with men who force sex on you?

Exwh was the only one who forced me but I have dated guys who didn't treat me very well. I guess because I didn't put a high value on myself they didn't either. I came in behind video games, somehow only got lingerie and sex toys as gifts, or was cheated on.

My current SO has not had sex with me and has told me no numerous times...even after I have teased him, been provocative, and talked dirty...he has still said no. I appreciate that he has boundaries and values me so much. If we waited until marriage to have sex I would be okay.... Very frustrated but okay.

I don't weed out the ones that are forceful more like I weed out the ones who treat me well. I am unfamiliar with being treated well. When conversations get too close for comfort I move the topic to sex. When they respect me I freak out and don't know how to act. I resort to behavior that I'm familiar with.


**edited to correct spelling

[This message edited by courageous at 9:40 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I think I was in 3rd grade the first time a boy dropped his pants and put my hand directly on his privates. At that tine I wasn't thinking about sex yet so I'm not exactly sure how early on the idea was ingrained into me.

You knew it was wrong. You knew it was a violation. That's all your brain needs to start associating being violated with being wanted.

I weed out the ones who treat me well.

That's exactly what I meant.

I think talking to a therapist who understands CSA will be helpful to you.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6090 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

That's just it..... I didn't think it was a violation. I was confused and didn't understand why he did it. I never told anyone about it and he never did it again.

Then just a year later I was at a male friend's house. I don't remember what events led me to grab his brother's crotch hard enough that I left nail indentions in his skin of his privates. I know I did because he dropped his pants and showed me.

In middle school I would be cornered by a guy that would tickle me and grope me at the same time. He did it so many times.....even in front of teachers. That's when I realized that no one was every going to help me. A lot of my life is a blur.

The weird thing is I revert to the sex talk and overt sexuality but the minute a guy doesn't like it I feel like I'm being judged and I feel so dirty, unworthy, and unlovable. I have lost count how many times I have told SO that maybe he should just walk away... that I'm not good enough.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

That's just it..... I didn't think it was a violation. I was confused and didn't understand why he did it.

Did you know that was he was doing was wrong? Why didn't you tell somebody? (This is not a judgement - just asking your thought processes.)

I don't remember what events led me to grab his brother's crotch hard enough that I left nail indentions in his skin of his privates. I know I did because he dropped his pants and showed me.

Did you think that was expected of you? Did he ask you to?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6090 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Did you know that was he was doing was wrong? Why didn't you tell somebody? (This is not a judgement - just asking your thought processes.)

First I would like to say thank you for taking the time to try to help me figure all of this out.

I didn't understand why he did it. I thought it was stupid and didn't choose to play hide and seek with him in the dark any more. I don't think I thought it was wrong. My parents never talked to me about bad touching or inappropriate sexual behavior.

I was a very bashful child that was sensitive to raised voice and disapproval. To this day I still struggle with being a people pleaser. I sacrifice my happiness for everyone else's happiness.

Did you think that was expected of you? Did he ask you to?

I don't know. I find that a lot of my life is a blur sometimes I will remember something more but not too often. The first part of that memory starts for me after I had already grabbed him and he is pulling down his pants. I remember he was aroused but not fully and I don't remember what even happened after that.

I do know that the male friend at some other time chased me thru his house with scissors. He ended up cutting some of my hair off and burning it on the stove. His mother blamed me for letting him cut my hair. Obviously that probably wasn't a safe place for me.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, May 13th (Monday)

All of this led you to the question you asked earlier,, which was,, What if the MC doesn't believe me?

They will. If you are in the office of a MC on your own it is because you want help and they know it. People who are messed up (my WH) don't want help and don't go near a MC office.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jan 2012
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 13th (Monday)

what kind of issues have you had to deal with?

I didn't have these issues in the beginning of my relationship with SO. But as time has gone on and the honeymoon stage has worn off and the routine of the relationship sets in they happen from time to time.

The sad thing is after giving birth to two kids with big heads I have severe scar tissue from the third degree tears. Sex will be painful for me for a while whether I like the guy or not.

You may be surprised. When your actually into it the body does amazing things.

[This message edited by jennie160 at 8:41 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 13th (Monday)

The A was not my fault and I felt no shame nor did I keep it a secret but this.....

I feel so much shame.

I had put up with so much of his mistreatment and abuse. I took the silent treatment, being told my thoughts were not important and not to speak until I had something important to say. I allowed myself to be treated like the maid/ servant. I even stayed after he forced himself onto me...not once...not twice... but for many YEARS. And why did I finally leave? Because he wouldn't end his A and get MOW out of our lives.

I should have left for all of those reasons especially the rape but I never did. I keep telling myself it must not have been all that bad. If he hadn't cheated I probably would have never have left.

I feel so broken. I'm trying to keep it all together. I have maintained my strength by keeping my feelings at a distance and not allowing people to get very close. I know to heal I have to feel a lot of painful things. Right now I am so close to just falling apart.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I had put up with so much of his mistreatment and abuse. I took the silent treatment, being told my thoughts were not important and not to speak until I had something important to say. I allowed myself to be treated like the maid/ servant. I even stayed after he forced himself onto me...not once...not twice... but for many YEARS. And why did I finally leave? Because he wouldn't end his A and get MOW out of our lives.

I can't even tell you how many times I wished XH would just hit me or cheat on me. I always thought that those were the two concrete reasons for divorce. And if he were to just do one of those two things it would be my instant out. I stayed for years longer than I should waiting for him to give me that out but he never did. What finally made me leave was when we started seriously considering having children and I realized that I didn't want my kids to have him as a father. So when I did leave I still didn't even do it for myself.

I think the fact that you see that you are broken and are taking the steps to work on this is a good sign. Don't feel defeated by this either, even the most healed are still slightly broken. There is always more everyone can do to better themselves.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Yep, that's how I was with my xbf too. I cooked for him, cleaned for him, paid his bills, put gas in his car, listened to him whine, etc. and got essentially nothing back but punishment... yet I stayed. It's an abuse cycle, and (oddly) is actually really "normal" in abusive situations.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

((((((courageous))))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Due to FOO issues I rather be hit than ignored. Exwh ignored me frequently. I can't remember how many times I asked him to spend time with me...just to be in the same room with me. I always came last place to video games.

I was talking to my bf last night about all of this (mainly because it has been consuming my mind). He made a comment about how exwh would stop playing his video game immideately if he knew I had taken a sleeping pill to have his way with me. The way my bf said it made it sound so dirty and wrong. THAT sounded like rape to me.

I have a little girl that I have to make sure she grows up protected and safe.

Sorry I'm all over the place my thoughts have just been racing lately.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

(((((courageous)))))

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

My SO said that exwh knew what buttons to push to control me. I don't think exwh was all that smart. He was a computer programmer but he didn't have smarts in other areas, in my opinion.

How did he know which things to say and/do to get me comply to his wishes and be controlled?

[This message edited by courageous at 7:23 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

(((((Courageous)))))

How did he know which things to say and/do to get me comply to his wishes and be controlled?

He figures it out the same way a baby figures out if they cry someone comes. The same way a toddler figures out that if they throw a temper tantrum or ask 9,000times someone will give in.

I don't know if it's ingrained in our brains to do this trial and error. And I wonder if it is...

It's been said her on SI.. he knows the buttons to push -because he installed the fuckers. And it's true.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
NoLongerWantHim
Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

((To all who have been abused))

there is hope, there is healing, there is light out there.

It's brave to admit it happened, it's brave to give it a name, brave get help, and braver still to reach out to other survivors.

One thing my MST therapist suggested I look at is "Stockholm Syndrome" .

It's amazing what we do to cope and survive.

[This message edited by NoLongerWantHim at 6:42 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

I went to a church counselor last week. I told her about the A! The divorce, and him forcing me. She concentrated on the cheating and basically told me the same things I have heard over and over again regarding the cheating. Nothing was talked about the rape.

I guess I really do have to talk to someone at the domestic abuse shelter. I got so far as to look up the number but I couldn't bring myself to call.

I joined another message board specifically for sexual abuse and the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there. It just breaks my heart. The part of me that doesn't like to be a burden, that ends up sacrificing everything, feels like I don't have the right to be there. I survived relatively unscathed.....or so I thought.

I don't know if I'm finally starting to "thaw out" my emotions some and really stop denying it happened.

I have noticed its a lot harder for me to go to sleep. For days I'm consumed with looking at the message boards... Searching for the answer, the quick fix/ repair for me. Wanting to be told I'm okay and don't really need counseling.

SO is the only IRL person that knows and that I can talk to. I told 2 co-workers. Both of them had been abused and cheated on too. I can't trust anyone at work. I feel bad talking through things with him because it hurts him to hear it but he also knows I have no one to talk to. I can't bring myself to tell my friends.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, May 27th (Monday)

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0736923330/ref=ox_sc_act_title_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

Since you're open to the idea of a church counselor, I thought you might consider this book to help you on your path towards healing.

Also, this website might have words of comfort:

http://www.committedtofreedom.org/bio.html


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, May 27th (Monday)

In regards to Ambien, you do realize that it has hypnotic effects that can block the memories of activities engaged in while under the influence.
I mention this because Ambien has been associated with allegations that it can result in the best sex ever (but you may not remember). It was reported allegedly that during Tiger Woods sex addiction Ambien was involved. Now you can,t believe everything said about celebrities on the Internet, but Ambien side effects and patient history shows it is possible.
Your MC should have seen a huge red flag when you disclosed your rape.
I believe you! And contributors here do as well.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 27th (Monday)

I joined another message board specifically for sexual abuse and the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there.

Much like infidelity, the violation is the damage. The rest is replacement value - which is individual. To use a bad analogy, the burglary is the violation. Whether all the furniture got stolen or just your child's artwork or nothing was missing except you knew the burglar walked around your house uninvited, the break-in is the violation.

On that other board, they would be the last to minimize your abuse. Don't minimize it yourself, okay?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6090 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 27th (Monday)

((((courageous)))))

I went to a church counselor last week. I told her about the A! The divorce, and him forcing me. She concentrated on the cheating and basically told me the same things I have heard over and over again regarding the cheating. Nothing was talked about the rape.

It's very courageous to do what you are doing. Good for you to go and talk. Please don't let the subject drop. Next time you go, bring it up again.

I guess I really do have to talk to someone at the domestic abuse shelter. I got so far as to look up the number but I couldn't bring myself to call.

Wishing you more courage to call. Please call them, or call a local rape crisis center.

I joined another message board specifically for sexual abuse and the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there. It just breaks my heart.

It's very heartbreaking, but every instance of sexual abuse is traumatic, just as every instance of infidelity is. Doesn't matter if your infidelity was physical or emotional or virtual, etc. Doesn't matter if your sexual abuse was marital rape, stranger rape, date rape, incest, etc.

It's ALL bad...

Keep talking. Your counselor, your co-workers, your SO, a rape crisis center or domestic violence hotline. And here, too.

Healing hugs!


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2781 | Registered: Feb 2006
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

In regards to Ambien, you do realize that it has hypnotic effects that can block the memories of activities engaged in while under the influence.

I did know this because I had to be careful not to have my phone too close to the bed... Apparently I had some interesting phone calls I never remembered.

I really want to think that he didn't use my taking ambien for an advantage and that he didn't do things to me that I don't remember but I know that is most likely a pipe dream.


On that other board, they would be the last to minimize your abuse. Don't minimize it yourself, okay?

I'm trying not to but I keep going back and forth. I seem to be going thru a similar reaction as I did about the infidelity... Trouble sleeping, denial, shock, and I just feel off.

Wishing you more courage to call. Please call them, or call a local rape crisis center.

I can't bring myself to make the call so my BF made the call for me to get the info I need. The more I think about it the more I think the church counselors are not equipped to handle my issues. They are not certified or really trained. They are just lay people who want to help others.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:44 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

The more I think about it the more I think e church counselors are not equipped to handle my issues. They are not certified or really trained. They are just lay people who want to help others.
I think you are correct with this assessment, courageous. Keep seeking the proper support. It will make all the difference in the world in your processing and healing.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Honestly I'm afraid to make the call to the domestic shelter. My SO made the call and got the information but I have to call to make the appointment. I know SO would drop everything and come to go with me to an appointment but I don't want him to go.

I'm really scared to call. Someone suggested going to rainn.org and talking to someone on their anonymous online hotline. I have the website open but I can't bring myself to hit enter.

I wonder if subconsciously I knew the people in authoritative capacities I told wouldn't make a big deal of it... maybe I said it too casually. After all if no one says its wrong I'm okay. If I call or go to a domestic violence center I am NOT okay.

There is so much going on with me. I can't tell my parents/ family because I can't hold things together any more and hear how they can't go thru another divorce because it was too hard for them. I can't devastate them. I can't tell my friends. I know they would be very accepting but I would lose my strong facade. If I lose that then everything will come tumbling down.

I tell SO things but that's hard for him to hear. He has been so strong for me but he can't change the past or take the hurt/ wrong away.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

There is something I probably need to admit...

Around the time I was molested in middle school I started cutting. For those who have never cut, it was very comforting to watch myself bleed because it was the only way I could feel anything, like emotions... it made things okay again for a while. Unlike most cutters I didn't continue increasing the amounts of cuts. I just did more and more destructive things. I had choked myself with cords, starved myself, touched HCL acid, and then I moved on to letting men treat me badly. I would gravitate towards them because it's what I felt I deserved and it was normal to me.

The reason I bring all of this up is because I have been tempted to cut again, specially when I get angry because it leads to frustration and self destructiveness. I know a small factor is that SO is very familiar with cutting also. It's kind of like two recovering alcoholics in a relationship with each other. He has been "sober" for a while now. The other part of the temptations is that if I cut it will hurt him. The destructive side of me that wants to ruin everything wants to push him away. Yet I really don't want him to leave me... I want him to rescue me.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

(((HUGS))))

Hon, the truth will set you free. One reason you feel such conflict is because you're not being authentic and you know it. You are hiding behind a false front. For a long time that false front was necessary. It protected you. It helped you survive. It's been your protector. It's what you know.

However, you're growing now. You're like a seed that's sprouting. It's time for you to emerge from the darkness & see what you blossom into. The way I know it's time is because you are so unhappy with how things are now. You're trying desperately to keep things the way they were, even though you acknowledge that things need to change.

Honey, I went through a very similar conflict. I did not want to tell anyone about my abusive marriage. If I did that then it would mean admitting I was a victim. Admitting that things were really horrible. Admitting that I'd been weak enough to tolerate it & permit it. I didn't want to go there. But I had to. I could not continue along as things had been. I had to grow. I had to evolve.

You, too, need to grow & evolve. Telling the truth of your life will help you do that. The truth will set you free.

I know it's terrifying not knowing in advance how people will react. I'll be honest with you, some people were less than supportive. But the overwhelming majority were amazingly sympathetic, kind and helped me. I continue to be shocked at the people who confide in me their own past which contains sexual predation, abuse, molestation, rape, and the list goes on.

I've learned who I can talk to and who needs to just not hear what I have to say. I've learned to let go trying to control the outcome. I've learned that the truth has set me free. Not only have I finally blossomed, now I'm learning to fly.

You can, too!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying, I really am.

I have stayed strong through it all but I can't take any more. One simple "drop" in my already full bucket is going to push me over the edge. I can't lose control..it's scary. If I lose control my "protection" is gone. I'm so afraid to ask for help.

I am broken and in my brokenness I feel safe... For now. I can't live like this forever but I can't take that first step just yet. I know what he did was wrong but denial is my safety. It is the security blanket I wrap around myself keeping the boogeyman away.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Hugs. BTDT. Find a trauma specialist for a counselor. And don't minimize it because you were married. It was not consensual.......it wasn't OK>


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3691 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I can't lose control..it's scary.

You're not losing control. I know how hard this is, but think of it this way - you are taking back control. Right now, your ex still has control over you. You are away from him, yet he is overshadowing how much of your life? Your relationship, your friendships, your job, everything. Take back your power! Deal with this thing head on.

You are a strong, remarkable woman. You have survived everything he put you through, and you will continue to thrive. Talking to someone, facing these demons head on, it won't break you. You'll break them. If you weren't strong enough to break them, you never would have gotten out.

Deep breath. You can do this. Make the call. I know you have the strength.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the pep talk I think I'm going to print out your words and repeat them to myself over and over again.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

(((Courageous)))

You are dealing with some very difficult stuff. Ama is so right in her assessment. You will not get past this until you deal with it. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and strong. When you deal with this demon you will feel better. Fear of the unknown is a difficult thing, and you must be scared out of your mind right now. It's how you have been your whole adult life. I get that. But it's time for you to get the help that will allow you to heal.

Others that don't comment, or even really ackowledge what you say about being raped/mistreated, do so becuase it so out of their wheelhouse of comfort they don't know what to say or how to offer to help you. I rarely have to deal with sexual abuse in my job, but because I do have to on rare occasions I had to go through extensive training on how to deal with it. I still don't feel secure in doing much other than being able to allow the person to share their experience, and to let them know it is not their fault and give them referrals to the people that can help them.

Pick up the phone, call make the appointment. You know it's not like they are going to see you in the next 15 minutes. You will have some time to accept that you are doing something about it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

(((((courageous))))) Sending you more strength today.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.
The truth will set you free.

You can do this, and deserve happiness and serenity.

Hugs


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Update:

I'm trying, I really am. I have written the DV abuse hotline number down and I have it by my phone at work all the time. I think I have looked at it so many times last week. I have really struggled with calling. I hate being a burden and putting someone out.

My bf came into town this weekend. We watched poltergeist I and decided to watched the second one since I have never seen them before.

In the second one there is a scene where the husband is possessed and starts trying to force himself on his wife and she is resisting him. Since then, that scene has played over and over in my head. It took me back to a place I never wanted to go back to.

It triggered me so bad that I'm going to try and make myself call that hotline this week.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 10th (Monday)

((((courageous))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

((courageous)) I haven't posted or read the entire thread, but I want you to know that the domestic violence staff are there first and foremost to support you, NOT to make you DO anything. So I encourage you not to fear the contact. Just accept the help. From there YOU will determine what, if any, additional action is appropriate. ((Hugs)) Stay strong lady - you have lots of support.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

You can do it!!!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Oh sweetie ((((hugs)))) You are SO courageous! What you are dealing with and facing is so scary, so difficult, and it is no wonder that your emotions are all over, you get confused, you are in shock, etc....

Our minds can only deal with so much at a time. You don't HAVE to remember everything all at once. When new memories come in, give yourself time to digest and process them.

I agree you need a certified counselor that is trained in dealing with CSA. Not all counselors are the same, and some, while trying to be helpful, can actually be damaging.

I also was afraid to call the domestic abuse hotline, because dammit...I am NOT a victim. I have always seen myself as fairly strong and independent. Admitting that I allowed a man to abuse me changed my view (temporarily) of who I was. BUT....with the help of a counselor, when I looked at the reasons why the abuse occurred, I realized that I really AM that strong and independent and courageous woman....the reasons I put up with things were valid.

We do the best we can with the information we have at the time. When we get new information, then we can adjust our behavior.

You put up with the abuse for a while because it was what you knew, what you had learned, and how you felt about yourself after being abused as a child. Things that happen to us as children are very deeply imprinted on us. It can take a lot of education and hard work to rewire our brains.

I can't even tell you how many times I wished XH would just hit me or cheat on me. I always thought that those were the two concrete reasons for divorce.
Do you know how many women feel this way? (Hint....most that have not been educated about domestic violence)...

Now that I have some education about the issue, I understand abuse can be sexual, emotional, psychological, or physical. But growing up, I thought the only valid reasons to seek a divorce were if he hit me or cheated on me. And I mean actually hit/punch. My psychoX actually knocked me into a wall, drove like a maniac putting my life on the line (as well as my children), and verbally threatened me, and somehow I didn't see that as abuse. I just thought he had a bad temper.

Kids don't know they are being sexually abused. They know something isn't quite right, but because of our biology, especially with young boys, sometimes the abuse feels good physically (and sometimes mentally as we get attention that we have severely been needing). So it complicates the issue in our mind. However, a 6 year old or a 12 year old mind is not mature enough to understand what is really going on.

And when we are young, whatever happens to us, we generally think it is happening to everyone else, all over the world, that it is not wrong, unusual, and we feel it is normal. And we do "normalize" things until we mature, learn, and realize that hey, maybe this doesn't happen in every household (or actually, in the case of CSA, it DOES happen in many, many households but that doesn't mean it is right or normal.)

You are doing wonderfully (even though it may not seem so) with educating yourself, looking for information, and trying to work thru this. Be easy on yourself. Don't expect miracles or an "instant" cure. Nurture yourself right now. You are wounded and need to heal. We know to take extra good care of ourselves when we are physically ill and need to heal. Same thing for the emotional wounds. ((((hugs))))

E.T.A. Hey, we all get wounds from time to time. And...you are ALLOWED a bit of a break-down from time to time. You don't always have to hold everything together. When you are in a safe place (whether that is with a counselor you trust, your SO, or you have a day alone), allow yourself some time to have a bit of a meltdown...they are actually healing. There is a lot of emotion and feelings in there that are going to need to come out at some point.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:56 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I made the phone call. I don't know how I feel about all of this... The lady asked what was my history (sort of). She then said that they were a rape crisis center. I had to say the words to her! On top of that the counselor has the same name as my exwh's mistress.

I have an appointment tonight. I don't anticipate it going well. I don't think they will take me very seriously

[This message edited by courageous at 8:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

(((couragous))) so glad you took the first step to getting help.

I don't anticipate it going well. I don't think they will take me very seriously

It may not go as you had planned but they will take you seriously. I remember my first IC session, I barely was able to say anything because I would burst out into hyperventilating sobs. Stick with it. It gets easier.

The first step is always the hardest, you should be proud of yourself.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I have an appointment tonight. I don't anticipate it going well. I don't think they will take me very seriously

You know what I've found to be true in my own life? When I am uncomfortable telling someone about something, like my history of abuse, I downplay it. And then people don't take me seriously, because I don't make it a serious thing. This is a defense mechanism, but it ends up hurting myself. It took me a long time to realize that I do it. I've wondered a few times in this thread whether you do it too, based on the reactions you get when you've mentioned it to people IRL. It's 100% something you would be doing on a subconscious level.

I wonder if it would help you to print this thread and take it with you tonight. As difficult as it is to talk about, and if you have any tendency to minimize, you've put a lot of it into this thread, and could let her read it, if nothing else.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

AMA- you are right. I do down play it a lot. When she asked me questions all I said was that he wouldn't take no for an answer. I hate saying the words but I also don't want to appear like I'm being over dramatic and making things up.

Everyone has a hard and rough life how I look at my life effects my outlook on life as a whole. So if I think I was horribly abused then I have a much more negative outlook where as if I think things were not so bad I can be more positive.

People who know me IRL see me as a bubbly cheerful person. I'm under estimated all the time about my intelligence. People don't realize how much words have hurt me because I have been able to turn everything into a joke and even laugh at my own expense.

I guess you can say with me still waters run very deep.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

(((((courageous))))) I am so very proud of you for taking that step, honey!

Please please advocate for yourself tonight. Stand up and speak your truth - don't downplay it. Just straight facts, as if you were reporting what happened to someone else. You can do this. Strength and comfort to you!


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I really like the idea of you printing out your responses in this thread. It's a genius idea, actually.

Tell your story, Hon. Don't minimize it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Sending comforting hugs your way. I hope it went better than you expected.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

How did it go, courageous? And more importantly, how are you doing?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

The appointment was an epic fail. It was raining a lot and traffic was horrible. My gps in my car sent me around and around in circles. So then I used my iPhone GPS and it continued to get me lost. I finally made it there and the counselor had already left because I was late.

I did fill out the paperwork and made another appointment. I don't have a good feeling about this. If this counselor doesn't take what I have to say seriously, this is the last time I go to anyone for help.

I was very anxious going in and I feel that when I do have my appointment I'm going to burst into tears. I don't want to talk about things but I don't want to continue feeling this way.

I keep wondering why I need to see a counselor and how will they actually help me?

One of the questions on the intake form was what I was hoping to accomplish with the IC. I didn't really know what to say.... I'm out of the relationship. What more is there really to do? He can't be arrested.

I'm struggling with it all

[This message edited by courageous at 11:06 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

(((C)))

Okay, let's talk through this. Why are you going to IC? Why is IC important to you? What is the purpose of IC in the healing process?

I would guess it's to process (and accept/validate) what you experienced, to minimize and manage the power/effect of those experiences in your current life, to find healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with triggers, recognizing patterns in yourself to prevent this from ever happening again, build healthy relationship skills, build self confidence, become a stronger woman and mother, etc.

Any of that hit close to home?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

If this counselor doesn't take what I have to say seriously, this is the last time I go to anyone for help.
PLEASE don't give up.....there are truly good counselors out there and after what you have been thru, trust me....it will help.

Abuse rewires our brain. It changes the way we think about things and the way we look at life.

Trauma and abuse changes us. And when something traumatic happens to us, we carry it around inside, whether we acknowledge it or not. We can bury it deep, but at some point it ALWAYS comes out in some form or another and it is usually damaging.

A good counselor can help you work thru the trauma, see it in a different light, and release it from your body. They can help you reframe the circumstances of your abuse so you can see it from an outsider's point of view. They can help you make some sense of it and also help you release any of the toxic emotions and feelings you are carrying around because of it.

I know it is scary and it is hard work. True growth always is....but I know you can do this. You are reaching out here and I feel you are ready. You are so strong and courageous. Remember that when you want to run from this....you can do this. ((((hugs))))

ETA. Many women are raped by their husbands/partners. Most don't report it. Many women feel either 1. too embarrassed 2. they deserved it 3. it wasn't really rape since it was their partner and sometimes they may submit willingly. My first H manipulated me into sex before I was ready. I was a virgin. He called me a c**k-tease and it made me feel guilty. He told me it physically hurt men when they got excited and couldn't follow thru. I submitted. At the time, it just felt icky. Now, I see it as abuse....Not only that, but when I was hesitant about marrying him, then he told me that since I was no longer a virgin, no other man would want me. He guilted me into sex, then into marriage. Great start for a marriage, huh? And people wonder why I left that one.... At the time, I was a good Catholic girl and I believed him. He took advantage of my naivete and my religious beliefs and manipulated me into doing things I was not mentally or emotionally ready for. That WAS abuse....

Remember this. It is YOUR body. Only YOU have the right to do with it what you want. If you are asleep or unconscious or coerced in ANY way at all, it is rape. It is against your will. It is a violation of your body, your mind, your soul.....

I am angry for you for what he has done. When you get to the anger part, you will start healing. I know right now you are still in shock. But again, a good counselor will not only believe you (and any counselor that does NOT believe you should not be counseling) but will help you heal. Sending you strength and positive vibes....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:40 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

What more is there really to do?

What Ama said.

For me, it wasn't about getting justice, it was about healing myself. Understanding why I allowed myself to be treated poorly and how to not allow that to happen in the future. Accepting that at the time I did the best with the skills I had but being determined to grow and learn from my mistakes so they didn't happen again.

Your IC will help you understand that it wasn't your fault and you were just doing what you thought had to be done (fight or flight). She won't be able to change the past but instead teach you how to move past from it and will help to teach you how to recognize and confront bad behavior in the future.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Your IC will help you understand that it wasn't your fault and you were just doing what you thought had to be done (fight or flight). She won't be able to change the past but instead teach you how to move past from it and will help to teach you how to recognize and confront bad behavior in the future.

Change this to a GOOD IC. Some counselors are not good... if this one isn't going to work... give up THIS particular counselor and find another one. You will know, it may be uncomfortable, but you will feel the support of your IC.

Hugs and prayers coming your way.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Why are you going to IC?

Honestly.... Because bf thinks I need it to be in a healthy relationship with him. I love him and think I want to marry him. I have bad thoughts (rape thoughts) ... Although I don't see anything wrong with them I know that it is not healthy. I want my daughter to grow up healthy and protected.

Why is IC important to you? What is the purpose of IC in the healing process?

I don't know why it would be important. I guess I struggle with what would they make different in me? Am I already healed? I don't know. It's like I have allowed a broken arm to heal on its own... It's not in the proper alignment and now I have to go to a doctor to break it all over again to set it correctly. Having to rehurt myself to be better...is it really worth the pain?

I think i have minimized things so much in my life so far that it can't touch me except when i think about it. I admit my coping skills are horrible...when in doubt start talking about sex and acting dirty (gee isn't that how I got in the situation with my ex?)

I had a bad nightmare last night. I dreamed my ex BIL confronted me on why I hadn't been talking to him. I explained that I was verbally attacked by exwh's friends and needed to protect myself. Then MIL and FIL shows up. They say that they knew I went to the rape crisis center and they demanded to know why I was there. I told them it was their fault they raised exwh the way they did and I was there for what he did to me. Then they left to go tell exwh.

I was so afraid of him coming to confront me. My front door was like the swinging doors on commercial kitchens. I had a small little hook that the door only had to be swung the opposite direction for it to open. I see exwh coming up. I'm hold a hand gun in one hand while trying to hold the doors closed. I was so afraid of what he was going to do to me once he got in.

In real life he has never hit. I have no idea why I fear him so much.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Am I already healed?

I think you answered your own question:

I think i have minimized things so much in my life so far that it can't touch me except when i think about it. I admit my coping skills are horrible...when in doubt start talking about sex and acting dirty (gee isn't that how I got in the situation with my ex?)

I had a bad nightmare last night...

I understand wanting to do this for your SO, but you have to want to do it for yourself, or you will never be able to truly open up to the IC. And you may grow to resent your SO, and blame him for the hard parts that do naturally come with IC.

Yes, it does sometimes get "worse" before it gets better, because all of those negative thoughts and feelings that you have shoved down (unsuccessfully, see your own statements above) have to be stirred up and reexamined to work on them. And it SUCKS to let them out of the little boxes we create for them.

But wouldn't you rather have a healed, healthy "arm" in the long term, than to live for the next 10, 20, 30, 60 years with this broken, misaligned "arm"? You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better (and trust me, she watches how you interact with men, and she will imitate it in her own relationships). Your SO deserves better from you, deserves you healthy.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:01 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

The shame is not yours to bear, and telling people you trust helps you break free from the bondage of the abuse.

THIS. So much. CFT, you got that right. True words.

If the two people I told didn't think it was serious how would anyone else?

There's no easy answer for that. It's possible it wasn't a priority issue for them. It's possible the L thought it would cloud the D process. Personally, I think when this happens when you tell someone something like this, they can't deal with it, or they don't know how to interact with someone that's been through the experience. There could be other reasons, but these are possibilities.

I would try many things to get the guys I dated to say no and they never did.

To me, this was a possible subliminal way your mind was trying to deal with what you'd been through.Think of it as a way of trying to subconciously trying to be in control of the relationship, situation, dude, whatever. Because part of the trauma of rape is being controlled by the rapist, many survivors have issues with control over their bodies and it's not always clear how to handle situations or be around men after what you've been through. For years after it happened to me, I was terrified of all men. My dad, my little brother, my grandfathers, all my favorite uncles, cousins, etc. My mentality was all males have the equipment to do that to me and hurt me.

A lot of my life is a blur.

Coping mechanism. BTDT Look out for when that blurriness lifts. You'll have to work through all the new issues and thoughts it brings. And it's ok to take breaks when you're working on your issues and you're feeling overwhelmed. No one ever told me that. Kinda figured it out on my own.

I feel like I'm being judged and I feel so dirty, unworthy, and unlovable.

This is a normal reaction. Like CFT said the ""shame isn't yours...". Once you start to realize that you're not the one who did something wrong and you're not to blame, you're gonna probably hit an anger phase. That's all normal too. Anger can be cleansing, and if used right, it can also help the healing.

I should have left for all of those reasons especially the rape but I never did. I keep telling myself it must not have been all that bad.

Let's talk about this for a minute. I think part of was possibly a coping mechanism, making the best of a bad situation so to speak. Another part is how much head game bullshit was pulled on you over the years? Kinda like Stockholme Syndrome but in a weird way. Hell, just the experience alone is enough to mess with your head! Never condemn yourself for not leaving earlier. Think of it like a frog that's been put in a pan of room temperature water. The frog will stay there even as the the temperature slowly rises to boiling point and he boils to death.

Posting more in a minute. Does any of this resonate with you or make sense in a way?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I know to heal I have to feel a lot of painful things. Right now I am so close to just falling apart.

Baby steps. One day at a time, one hour at a time.

He made a comment about how exwh would stop playing his video game immideately if he knew I had taken a sleeping pill to have his way with me.

Very perceptive. Makes me wonder if he has a family member that's been raped. I think it's almost as hard on a male family member when this happens. I think they feel helpless and that they let their loved one down because they failed to protect them from a predator. I saw this in my dad after it happened to me as a kid. Rape doesn't just hurt the survivor, it hurts their families too.

I have a little girl that I have to make sure she grows up protected and safe.

So true. And she will learn a lot as she sees you work through the whole process. She doesn't have to know all the details and if she has any questions or gets worried about you, it's ok to let her kn ow that something bad happened to you and you're learning how to use it to become a stronger person.

My SO said that exwh knew what buttons to push to control me.

SO is right again.
How did he know which things to say and/do to get me comply to his wishes and be controlled?

All kinds of possibilities there. For instance, trial and error. Or waiting and watching for an opportunity when you're vulnerable (Ambien) and unable to resist. or using the ignoring of you when you asked for his attention when he was playing video games. Stretch it out long enough, he figures you'll be grateful for any kind of attention. I'm thinking he's one of these guys that can't handle a strong woman asserting her rights so he has to sneak around and do this when you're not at full capacity.

I went to a church counselor last week...Nothing was talked about the rape.

Another instance of being ignored and blown off. IMO a church counselor may not always be the wisest choice to go to.
#1. Are they even trained to deal with something like this?
#2. How sure can you be it will be kept confidential from the other church members?
#3. There's other reasons I won't discuss here in respect to the mods and rules of the board.

the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there.

Don't compare experiences with others. It's unhealthy and doesn't help anyone move forward in their healing journey. I learned this lesson too, with dealing with grief over losing my daughter. pain and suffering is pain and suffering no matter how it's dealt. Would the Holocaust survivors compare their horrors they experienced? I doubt it. I do think anyone who's been traumatized wants to be heard when they're ready to tell their story.

Searching for the answer, the quick fix/ repair for me.

There is no easy "one size fits all" answer. And the quick fix/repair is like the mythical unicorn. Ain't no such critter.

Wanting to be told I'm okay and don't really need counseling.

Anyone that tells you that doesn't have your best interests as a priority. I will say that you will be ok and you will survive what you've experienced in the past. And as far as the counseling goes, it won't work until you're ready to do it and do the hard painful gut wrenching work that's involved. There's more to counseling than just seeing someone for one hour a week. You have to open up and tell them painful things that make you feel ashamed and stupid. Hopefully, you'll get something you can take away for that hour to give you new ways to think about your experience. And your mind will be processing new thoughts and thinking of different ways of coping.

I started cutting...because it was the only way I could feel anything, like emotions...

It's also a way of telling yourself you have some kind of control over your own body. It's another type of coping mechanism but not a healthy one.

Please don't start again. I know you're scared about making that first step of contacting a center or hotline. Look at it this way. The cutting is a way of staying in the same rut you've been in all these years and a way of avoiding getting some real help and genuine control over your body, and mind. Think of yourself standing at an open door looking at Freedom way off in the distance. Calling that center or hotline is the first step taken through that open door towards that Freedom that can be yours. By not taking that step, you're denying yourself something that is rightfully yours. Kinda like a rapist, huh?
I'm still working through your posts on the thread and I don't type too fast but I'll post more.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I can't lose control..

You're not losing control at all. By making that choice and taking that first step, you're breaking the chains of what you've repressed and hid from yourself and held you back all these years. Don't be the caged bird that's afraid to flee when the cage door is open.

I hate being a burden and putting someone out.

Wake up call. Many of these people than run the shelters and hotlines are survivors that want to help others. If they didn't want to be there, they wouldn't be. They're further along in their healing journey than you and maybe helping other survivors is part of their healing process. If you saw money lying all over the ground, would you walk right on past it? or would you grab as much as you could with both hands? If you were drowning at sea and there was a lifeline within reach would you ignore it? Do not deny yourself a chance to heal. The first step of any journey is always the hardest. You can do this.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

YAY!!!!!
See? You are proving your courageousness. To YOURSELF. Awesome first step. be proud of yourself. I know it's not easy, but you've made that first step.
Three cheers for you.

Maybe someone seeing your thread here will also be inspired and given the courage by you to take their first step.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

.is it really worth the pain?

YES
I have no idea why I fear him so much.

Because of the past history and all the pain he's caused.

Yes, it does sometimes get "worse" before it gets better, because all of those negative thoughts and feelings that you have shoved down (unsuccessfully, see your own statements above) have to be stirred up and reexamined to work on them. And it SUCKS to let them out of the little boxes we create for them.

Ama said it so well. It's worth it though to go through this process. Damn sure don't feel like it at the time though. But the end results are so worth it. In a way it's like going through a horrible labor with no meds to help you through the pain of bringing a new life into the world. I guess in a way it's a way of bringing new healing to our own screwed up messy lives. Yes, you'll have scars but you know what? Those scars will be badges of honor and courage to be borne proudly.We earned them the hard way and we are survivors, no longer are we victims.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

When I attended a support group for abused wives last year something the leader said stuck with me. She said we should NEVER feel ashamed for surviving, we should NEVER feel bad for doing whatever we needed to do to survive.

Let me say that again.

We should never feel ashamed for surviving. We should never feel bad for doing whatever we needed to do to survive.

When I was raped at gunpoint when I was 19 I told him that I loved him. I did it because he threatned to kill me if I didn't. So I told him I loved him. I felt horribly about that! He used the fact that I'd told him I loved him as justification for a sick, predator/stalker type relationship for many months afterwards. I felt so guilty, I was so ashamed, I went along with whatever he proposed so that he wouldn't tell my parents. I carried the guilt of that rape & sick "relationship" for years & years afterwards. Did I lead him on? Was I somehow at fault? After all, I'd told him I loved him...

Now I can look back on my 19-year old self and be proud of her. She was terrified. She was angry. She was violated. But she survived. The most important thing is she survived.

I survived.

Sweetie, you have survived. I'm proud of you. Now you're realizing there is some damage done that needs to be healed. I'm proud of you. That takes guts to admit. It takes even more guts to make a phone call, set an appointment, then drive to the appointment. I'm proud of you.

Even if you can't see your progress, will you trust that there are people here who do? We're not lying to you. We see progress in you. We see courage. We see your heart. Will you trust us when we tell you that counseling & talking this through is going to be the key to your spiritual freedom?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I want to thank you ladies for being my support "group" I will try to reply to as much as possible... it might take me a while.. specially to heartless bytchh (there was a lot to reply too lol) It really means a lot that you have all taken the time to stop and show that you care.

We should never feel ashamed for surviving. We should never feel bad for doing whatever we needed to do to survive.

Nature_girl just saying this phrase chokes me up. I know I am so far out of touch with some of my feelings. I have watched a couple of episodes of "I survived" recently. They always have one story about a rape. I would listen to the stories and wish they happened to me because then I would have something to "cry" about.

I still have been unable to tell anyone, except SO, IRL what happened to me. I can't really say the R word right now.

I know I have been running from a lot of memories that I don't want to know what they really mean.....

ugh, I really have to get some sleep now so I will have to finish this up with you tomorrow.

[This message edited by courageous at 10:15 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I'm still struggling with bad dreams. I feel like I'm jumping between two emotions lately. I'm happy one minute and sad the next.

My next/ first appointment is the monday after tomorrow (the 24th). I'm really afraid... I have all of these emotions and I don't know what I would do if they act unconcerned and bothered by me wasting their time.

I was a little taken aback with the interaction I have had with them so far. They acted very rushed and tried to get me off the phone quickly. They wanted to know way too much info about my job, where I live, and what I make.


Once you start to realize that you're not the one who did something wrong and you're not to blame, you're gonna probably hit an anger phase.

I can't imagine getting to an anger phase. I know I had one with his cheating but I can't bring myself to be more than afraid and deny, deny, deny.

I should have left for all of those reasons especially the rape but I never did. I keep telling myself it must not have been all that bad.

Let's talk about this for a minute. I think part of was possibly a coping mechanism, making the best of a bad situation so to speak. Another part is how much head game bullshit was pulled on you over the years? Kinda like Stockholme Syndrome but in a weird way. Hell, just the experience alone is enough to mess with your head!

I can definitely see this being a lot like battered wife syndrome. It took the support of my brother to get me thru the divorce. I use to cry on exwh's shoulder begging him to just let me come home (this was going to require him to end his A). The longer I lived apart from him, the stronger I got. I was no longer the quiet woman crying in the courtroom. I became the strong and empowered woman who got her way (mostly) in the courtroom.


I think it's almost as hard on a male family member when this happens. I think they feel helpless and that they let their loved one down because they failed to protect them from a predator. I saw this in my dad after it happened to me as a kid. Rape doesn't just hurt the survivor, it hurts their families too.

Even though I wasn't with my SO during the rape stuff, he still feels bad that he wasn't able to protect me. He is very protective of me.

[This message edited by courageous at 6:01 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Abuse rewires our brain. It changes the way we think about things and the way we look at life.

Trauma and abuse changes us. And when something traumatic happens to us, we carry it around inside, whether we acknowledge it or not. We can bury it deep, but at some point it ALWAYS comes out in some form or another and it is usually damaging.

I know that I do over sexualize almost everything. My SO gets frustrated with me because it feels like he can't have a serious conversation without me turning what he said into a dirty joke.

I find myself flip flopping between a dirty girl and an innocent.

They can help you reframe the circumstances of your abuse so you can see it from an outsider's point of view. They can help you make some sense of it and also help you release any of the toxic emotions...

I think so much of my life and myself is toxic.

ETA. Many women are raped by their husbands/partners. Most don't report it. Many women feel either 1. too embarrassed 2. they deserved it 3. it wasn't really rape since it was their partner and sometimes they may submit willingly. My first H manipulated me into sex before I was ready. I was a virgin. He called me a c**k-tease and it made me feel guilty. He told me it physically hurt men when they got excited and couldn't follow thru. I submitted. At the time, it just felt icky. Now, I see it as abuse....

I have heard that line of a girl shouldn't leave a guy in pain so many times!!!! My exwh also use to say that it wasn't right that he shouldn't have to almost rape his wife for him to get sex that I should be more willing. It's like he knew what he was doing was wrong but didn't/doesn't care.

I don't think I will ever get to confront him on what he did to me as being wrong.

I am angry for you for what he has done. When you get to the anger part, you will start healing. I know right now you are still in shock. But again, a good counselor will not only believe you (and any counselor that does NOT believe you should not be counseling) but will help you heal. Sending you strength and positive vibes....

Thank you it's nice to have someone pulling for me...it's what keeping me from giving up.

I have been so disappointed in the marriage counselor that we went to. I have been tempted to send her a letter telling her about how much damage she caused and help perpetuate.

[This message edited by courageous at 7:29 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I don't think I will ever get to confront him on what he did to me as being wrong.
Probably not, and most probably he will go to his grave with his delusional thinking. He is manipulative and controlling, arrogant and self-entitled. You are not dealing with someone who can have compassion for others so don't even waste your precious time. Not only that, but trying to get him to see the error of his ways will only hurt you more because he can't and won't.

He is a predator. He preyed on you. He knew what he was doing. These types (many are personality disordered) are very good at manipulation and understanding exactly what it takes to get what they want.

It's like he knew what he was doing was wrong but didn't/doesn't care.
I think you have a good grasp on things here.

I have been so disappointed in the marriage counselor that we went to. I have been tempted to send her a letter telling her about how much damage she caused and help perpetuate.
Church counselors and marriage/family counselors are going from a different perspective. They usually are focused on saving the relationship, which means they may downplay what the other partner did in order to try to bring peace between the two parties. They also may focus on forgiveness. Screw forgiveness. You don't have to forgive. He hurt you. Screw him. Forgive yourself for anything you feel you did that you may need some type of forgiveness for, but you don't have to forgive him.

And you don't need someone who is trying to bring peace here. You need someone in your corner who will help you stay strong, look out for yourself first, reinforce that you did the right thing by leaving him, and help undo and make sense of the damage this creature did to you.

(((((((((lots of hugs))))))))

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:07 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 17th (Monday)

My next/ first appointment is the monday after tomorrow (the 24th). I'm really afraid... I have all of these emotions and I don't know what I would do if they act unconcerned and bothered by me wasting their time.

I was a little taken aback with the interaction I have had with them so far. They acted very rushed and tried to get me off the phone quickly. They wanted to know way too much info about my job, where I live, and what I make.

First, you are not wasting their time. They are wasting your time if they aren't there to help. Second, if their main clients are typically in dire straits and in need of immediate assistance and they arenít equipped for the kind of long term IC you are looking for, they can refer you to someone who is. Donít be afraid to ask for a referral.


Posts: 3339 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, June 17th (Monday)

You're not losing control at all. By making that choice and taking that first step, you're breaking the chains of what you've repressed and hid from yourself and held you back all these years. Don't be the caged bird that's afraid to flee when the cage door is open.

I hold my emotions very tightly. Although I am smiling and laughing on the outside I can be upset or hurting on the inside. Losing controls means I allow myself to feel my emotions. Once I start I can't stop. I have stuffed things down for so long I don't know what I'm feeling sometimes. My SO knows me so well that he can recognize when something is wrong just by the sound of my voice.

I know some have said the shame is not mine... I allowed a man to take away my free will, to not only hurt me but to keep coming back for more. When he cheated on me I had the hyper bonding. I wanted sex every night.... From my abuser instead of pushing him away I was needing him like I never needed him before. Of course it was all a joke for him and a sick ego boost...even then I was his puppet. He was able to get me to do things that I always felt were degrading just so I could try to keep my husband... The man that has hurt me most in this life time.

Everything I said as a girl I wouldn't tolerate, I did. I lost my self respect and so much more.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:03 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, June 17th (Monday)

At some point, courageous, you will come to a place where you can forgive the woman you used to be. Where you will not feel betrayed by what she did, but proud of how resiliant her spirit is and how far she has come.

It's a process, honey. WHEN you find the right counselor and start working through all of this, you will find yourself granting that woman the grace she (YOU) deserves.

(((((courageous))))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Everything I said as a girl I wouldn't tolerate I did. I lost my self respect and so much more.

Time to get it back. You got this!!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I lost my self respect and so much more

It will come back. I mean it. You seem like you're in a place where you're starting the work of discovering yourself. Your self-love is inside, waiting to be discovered. It's hard getting there, it takes time to get there, and for sure it's not a straight line to get there. But you're on your way.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

He was able to get me to do things that I always felt were degrading just so I could try to keep my husband... The man that has hurt me most in this life time.

Everything I said as a girl I wouldn't tolerate, I did. I lost my self respect and so much more.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You loved this man and you were trying to please him. That is not a negative trait.

This person took advantage of your love and your fears. He holds the shame. You were vulnerable and he preyed on your vulnerabilities.

Like Nature Girl says, we do what we need to do to survive. That is a strength, not a weakness. For whatever reasons, you felt you needed this man in your life for a while. You did what it took to keep him there. Now you realize you do not need him anymore and your eyes are opening, the spell is fading. You are getting stronger (though it doesn't seem like it right now). Your strength and new insights are what will help you avoid situations like this in the future.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I've been listening to a song over and over today. It's called damaged by plumb. The lyrics are:

"Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've ever know
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed

And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've
taken away

'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me (x's 2)

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger"

It really hit me today... I'm never going to get back what he took from me 😢

I'm damaged, so far damaged that I think SO is better off without me. The damaged part of me wants to destroy all the good and happiness in my life because I don't deserve it... I'm dirty and worthless. The small hurt child in me wants to give him my damage and make me whole again. They are constantly at war with each other.

I was completely honest with SO last night. I've been having the feeling of wanting to go out to a club and push the boundaries with a guy (like having a conversation and maybe dance) and then come home and tell him about it so that he would be angry at me. Half of me wants him to leave me and prove he is just like every guy I have ever dated. The other half wants him to come rushing in and heal my pain. **for the record I would never cheat on him and I have never cheated in the past**

Well his reply... If I did that he would leave me. Kind of devastating to know how little I'm worth. Granted it was a PTSD reaction but it doesn't make me feel any better.

[This message edited by courageous at 10:04 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Hang on, courageous. Your past is breaking through right now and you are caught up in these feelings and impulses. This is a good thing--and will lead you to a counselor who can guide you through the shoals.

Hang on. Let these feelings and memories wash through you. Don't act yet on them. Keep working on talking right now.

((courageous))


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8807 | Registered: Jan 2008
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Courageous....you have been here long enough to *know* that your SO's reaction to your proclamation that you wanted to go out and *push boundaries* is an extremely healthy response from him.

He won't tolerate that. And he shouldn't. It's not fair of you to 'test' him in that way.

It is NOT his job to 'heal' you. You are putting an insurmountable burden onto him. Your SO seems to like you and want to spend time with you. Because of 'you'.

Heal you.....so that you can be a true 'partner' to your SO.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Courageous....you have been here long enough to *know* that your SO's reaction to your proclamation that you wanted to go out and *push boundaries* is an extremely healthy response from him.
He won't tolerate that. And he shouldn't. It's not fair of you to 'test' him in that way.

Yes. I do understand that. I also know that I had to compete for my own husband and lost. I also feel like I'm in competition with SO's exww. She screwed around with different guys throughout their marriage and he continued the relationship with her. Yet talking to guys would be a deal breaker for our relationship... Feels like I lost again.

It sucks feeling like I'm being compared to the "previous" model....

As I mentioned before I have never cheated and do not ever plan too. I was faithful to a man prior to having an A would ask me what I was thinking and then tell me that what I said wasn't important and not talk to him until I had something important to say. He gave me the silent treatment for 3 months straight... Why you ask...for shits and giggles. I had done nothing wrong, he just wanted to see how long he could last not talking to me.

Being surrounded by happily married couples at church, being completely and utterly alone while standing in a roomful of people... I stayed faithful. Learning how to play a role playing online game so my husband would spend time with me and even then he scolded me for any mistakes... I stayed faithful. Mourning the loss of a child without the support of my husband because the babies he had his girlfriend in high school abort were more "real" and important to him than my miscarriage.

I hear what you are saying and I think you misunderstood me. I had these thoughts. They are never something I would carry out. If I cheated it would actually kill SO. I know this for a fact. I love him dearly and would never want to hurt him. I believe it's important to be transparent and told him my thoughts because I'm struggling with self destruction.

I had also told him how badly I wanted to start cutting again and how I even had the blade in my hand. I have told him where I would probably cut to hide it. I tell him these things so he can understand what I'm feeling.

It is NOT his job to 'heal' you. You are putting an insurmountable burden onto him. Your SO seems to like you and want to spend time with you. Because of 'you'.

I know it isn't his job to heal me and I haven't asked him ....just like it isn't my job to heal him. We are two very hurt and betrayed people who are supporting each other as we weather the storm our cheating spouses left in their wake. We struggle with triggers, fears, anxiety, and trust issues. Why are we in a relationship together? Because we both believe that the other person is worth it.

Heal you.....so that you can be a true 'partner' to your SO.

I'm trying...really I am. To heal I have to feel all the pain that I have pushed down and denied for a long time. While at the same time more childhood memories of abuse are starting to surface. My coping skills are very bad.

I have noticed that I have started the cycle of self destruction again...quicker this time. Last time it was in February and before that it was over 10 years ago. If I can just stay safe until I make it thru the cycle I will be okay.

I am hurting. SO is so far away and can't be here for me that often. I actually feel that even though he is the only person IRL I have been able to discuss what happened to me regarding abuse, I'm thinking I might need to not tell him any more because it hurts him too much to hear my pain.

I'm in the beginning stages.... Just like dday for an A. I have had a dday...realizing what happened was actual abuse (rape). I have started having PTSD issues again where even people in the same room as me startle me. I have sleeping issues. I'm still in shock and its hard for the words to sink in.....

My husband who vowed to love, honor, and cherish me not only didn't do any of those things but he took something very sweet and precious from me that I will never get it back. He raped me for YEARS and I allowed it to continue. I was treated like dirt even though I was the one who put exwh thru college.

[This message edited by courageous at 2:56 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I'm damaged, so far damaged that I think SO is better off without me.
Stop that. That is faulty thinking. Although I understand WHY you feel that way (I have felt THAT damaged myself sometimes), it is not correct. Anyway, it is HIS choice whether to stay or not. Let him make the choice, don't try to make it for him.

Well his reply... If I did that he would leave me.
He is giving you a healthy boundary. He knows how much pain he can tolerate and that would be too much for him, so he has let you know what the consequences of that action would be.
Kind of devastating to know how little I'm worth.
That also is faulty thinking. If you were worthless, he wouldn't care if you did that type of thing because it wouldn't bother him. It wouldn't bother him if he did not have strong feelings towards you.

It is good that you two can talk thru these things. It is okay to tell him your feelings, and it is okay for him to react to them. As long as you keep the lines of communication open and discuss these things in honestly and calmly.....my new guy and I have talks like these also.....

I also know that I had to compete for my own husband and lost.
NO. You won. You got rid of the loser.

I had also told him how badly I wanted to start cutting again and how I even had the blade in my hand.
Have you started IC yet? Please please please give it another shot (interview your counselor first to make sure you and they click. You are allowed to talk with them before you accept them as your counselor. It is vital that your counselor understands and has unconditional regard and compassion towards you, while still holding you responsible for your actions.) Your SO sounds wonderful, but this is a lot to put on him alone. You really need the IC to bounce things off of also.

I am hurting. SO is so far away and can't be here for me that often.
This is why you need someone else in your corner IRL that can hear what you need to say. IC IC IC IC!

I'm thinking I might need to not tell him any more because it hurts him too much to hear my pain.
Talk this over with him but let HIM make the decision over whether he wants to hear it or not. Quit trying to make his decisions for him.

but he took something very sweet and precious from me that I will never get it back. He raped me for YEARS and I allowed it to continue. I was treated like dirt
You will never get that back, but you do not have to allow it to determine your future. You can grow and become stronger from this. You can learn from this. You will NEVER allow another person to treat you like dirt, because you are working on healing, finding your self-worth, and strengthening yourself. I know I sound like a broken record here, but again, a good IC can really really help with this....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Well his reply... If I did that he would leave me. Kind of devastating to know how little I'm worth.

I agree with NA here - your SO establishing a healthy boundary in no way negates your worth. If anything, he knows that you are worth MORE than being the kind of woman who throws herself at men. Were he to stay under the circumstances you described, he would be enabling incredibly unhealthy patterns in you, and reinforcing that that behavior defines your worth. Your SO cares about you because of who you are at your fundamental core, and that behavior isn't a part of it. That behavior is reactionary to what happened in your marriage, and beneath you, to be honest.

It also shows that your SO knows his own worth.

There is no competition with his ex wife. She is irrelevant to your relationship with your SO. When he stayed with her, it wasn't because he thought she was somehow "worth it" where you aren't. The motivations, situation, everything was completely different. Your SO had different boundaries and was at a very different place as an individual at that time of his life. There is no comparison to be made.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

your SO establishing a healthy boundary in no way negates your worth. If anything, he knows that you are worth MORE than being the kind of woman who throws herself at men. Were he to stay under the circumstances you described, he would be enabling incredibly unhealthy patterns in you, and reinforcing that that behavior defines your worth. Your SO cares about you because of who you are at your fundamental core, and that behavior isn't a part of it

I never looked at things that way. Boundaries are a foreign thing to me because my boundaries were trampled on starting at an early age.

I talked to SO more after I wrote that and he said that although he wouldn't date me any more if I did that he never said he would stop loving me. Although it sounds silly that meant a lot to me.

I have the appointment with the rape crisis center Monday and I went ahead and scheduled another appointment with the church counselor. It's going to be someone different this time.

I don't like hurting so much. People are starting to notice things are off with me.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I'm making small steps of progress.... I told my best friend of 20 years that I am going to a rape crisis center for counseling. Her first words is she wanted to know who it was because if it had been SO she was going to go beat him up it's nice having supportive friends. She didn't ask any questions. I'm not that ready to talk about things ... just taking baby steps

my first appointment is on monday night. SO sent me a link to a youtube video by a counselor named Kati Morton. She had a video on how long it takes to heal from sexual abuse. She recommended a book called the courage to heal from sexual abuse. I was wondering if anyone has heard about it or used it before?


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I haven't, but on an unrelated note, did you see the WHO report released this week? If you are still feeling alone, you should look it up - they are estimating that 1 in 3 women worldwide has been abused by a current or former partner.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

I'm making small steps of progress

Good for you! These are your first steps of a Victory Dance. We're pulling for you. You CAN do this. It won't be easy or painless but surviving and thriving is worth every tear and all the effort put into your recovery.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 24th (Monday)

well I had my counseling appointment tonight. it went a lot better than I expected.

On my way there I started feeling so sick to my stomach. Of course the best way to relieve those symptoms is to deny, deny, deny

Don't worry ama....she saw right through me. It felt so good to hear her say what happened to me was a crime; that he sexually assaulted me, and that I was sexually abused as a child. her comment about how my voice was taken away from me really hit home tonight. My voice has been silenced all of my life! I never realized that was what happened.

I was very calm and collected until she mentioned how in marriage that a man is suppose to cherish his wife and I realized he NEVER cherished me. i just cried and also when she said that I need to look at myself the way God sees me.... that I'm precious. I don't remember ever being told that I was special or precious.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I was surprised by how much I said within the 1 hour time frame.

I can't explain how but I left feeling such a feeling of peace. I hope I am finally able to get a good night's rest.

I went in thinking that she would limit the conversation to just the "rape"....which she didn't. I told her how I feel so ashamed for staying to be repeatedly abused but left because he cheated. I come from a family with very long marriages. My uncle and aunt currently have been married 70 years, my grandparents were married 50+ before they died, and my parents are going on 40 years. I didn't want to fail or be a disappoint to my family.

The IC said there is nothing to be ashamed about... I did what I thought was right.

It was nice to be paired with someone who shares my faith. I have been struggling with feeling I'm being punished for disobeying. I know that's not true in my head but not in my heart.

I think my problem is I feel so damaged that I am not worthy of someone who is "good" or "clean". I feel damaged so I gravitate to someone who treats me bad so I get more damaged therefore I'm forced farther down the path of only going for people who treat me bad because that's all I'm worth. My worth diminishes each time.

Sometimes I struggle with my relationship with SO. He is something I am not familiar with. The way I understand love is through abuse. He gives me respect.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

((((HUGS))))

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of being cherished.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

(((courageous)))
(those are happy hugs)

So you'll keep seeing the IC? Sounds like you found a really good one!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I am happy for you. It sounds like your counselor will be a good fit for you and you will finally hear what you need to hear....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I don't remember ever being told that I was special or precious.

You are.

And to have survived all this all these years shows just how COURAGEOUS you truly are.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Thanks guys! I really needed that today.....on a non-related issue I stood up for myself when one of my coworkers was extremely rude, disrespectful, and then down right nasty to me. She is an UN medicated bi-polar. She knows she is, she has medicine but refuses to take it.

I was done tip-toeing around. I was done bowing down to someone else's bad behavior. The IC appointment gave me the idea that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Well if you ever met someone like her... She escalated more and more. I ended up crying for half the day. She unfriended me on the Facebook ... I know so mature! And now she won't even talk to me. Did I mention she once stabbed her boyfriend?! She says she stabbed him because he moved when she tried to run him over with a car


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I don't have any fight left in me. I have been chewed up and spit out one too many times. I give up. Stick a fork in me... I'm done.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 1st (Monday)

((((courageous))))

What happened today? Vent it out. Lean on us.

Sending you strength and hope for a better tomorrow.


Posts: 34667 | Registered: Mar 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 1st (Monday)

We're here to listen when you're ready to talk.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 1st (Monday)

(((((Courageous))))))

Remember we are here for you, and want you to be whole, healthy and loved.

I am honored that you are sharing your journey down this path of healing with us.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 1st (Monday)

(((Courage)))


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 1st (Monday)

(((((Courageous)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, July 1st (Monday)

So it started off last week. One of my co-workers got mad at me and demanded I just do what she told me to do.
The tone and way she said it remind me of my marriage. I kept hearing the IC say how my voice was taken from me from an early age. I am tired of tip-toeing around this co-worker. I stood up for myself and she just went off on me. I rarely ever stand up for myself. Her attack just upset me so much. I cried for a half the day. Since then I have felt like I have physically been kicked. My whole body is tired and weak.

This weekend I got to have the kids (they get 45 days w/ their dad during the summer). My 3 year old little girl didn't want me this entire weekend. She wanted my mom to put her to bed, to nap with her, and even to drive her back to my ex. My DD was talking in the car saying "I love you". I told her I loved her too. She said she wasn't talking to me...she was talking to her brother that was sleeping. I told her she could talk to me but she said she didn't want to talk to me. The mistress is around the kids all the time now. She brings presents and paints my little girl's nails.

At work today we were suppose to talk about what happened last week with our boss. The co-worker (who is bi-polar) was having a bad day so of course the meeting got postponed..... I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall. When this meeting happens I am going to be verbally attacked again. I just don't have it in me. The well is empty.

Tonight I had IC again. I listened to music so loud I could feel the bass in my body on the way over because I was trying to drown out my thoughts.

I was crying before I even got out of my car. I made my tears go away before I saw the IC to the point I don't think we really talked about much of substance tonight. I left feeling so confused. I still don't understand how the rapes were about control and not just sex. I asked her that and she said that maybe she was too presumptuous. So does that mean that some rapes are just about sex?

I'm going to met SO's parents this week. Both SO and his parents are going out of their way to clean and prepare for me. It makes me feel bad because I don't feel worth the effort. Plus I'm afraid I won't live up to everyone's expectations of me.

I'm so tired.... not sleepy tired but bone weary, don't want to get out of bed and face the day tired. I don't feel strong enough to protect myself anymore. My defenses are way down and I can't get them back up.

I can't separate the hurtful words from my co-worker from the things that were done to me in the past. It hurts that my little girl rejected me. I'm afraid of flying and even traveling alone and yet that's what I'm going to do to spend time with SO. Strangers are going to sit in judgement of me in one way or another. I'm not perfect and yet I struggle with trying to do everything right. My co-worker loves to point out every single one of my mistakes from the time I started working until now...it's like she gets pleasure out of hurting me.

I'm tired of juggling...so I stand still because it is all I can do...and I watch all the balls fall down around me, helpless to do anything about it.

Remember we are here for you, and want you to be whole, healthy and loved.

I am honored that you are sharing your journey down this path of healing with us.

^^^That hurts. I don't feel worthy of the attention. I don't feel like I have done anything that should make someone feel honored. I don't feel strong. I don't feel courageous. I feel defeated, beaten down, weary, and broken hearted.

IC felt like a waste tonight. I don't think I got anything out of it...it was a complete waste of time.. mine and hers. I just don't understand the purpose or what it is suppose to feel like.

I don't even know what normal feels like. What does healthy look like? I know what it doesn't look like... I see it in the mirror every morning.

There is a song that reminds me so much of me right now. It is by Plumb called real:

I numb the ache and decorate
My emptiness
Stand naked in the light

Well be pleased world
If this is what you wanted
This young girl is everything that you made
What will she say

Aren't I lovely
And do you want me cause
I am hungry for something that will make me real
Can you see me and
Do you love me cause
I am desperately searching for something
Real

I desperately want something that is real and good and safe. I long for someone, anyone to see the real me and love me for that person. I want this ache and loneliness to go away.... to be whole again.

[This message edited by courageous at 11:34 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Is it possible that your SO has seen the real you? Perhaps your wish to be seen & known & appreciated is already coming true?

Sometimes IC sessions don't seem that productive or have a breakthrough. That doesn't mean it was ineffective. I've found that each IC session builds on the ones that came before it. You're just getting started. Don't give up yet.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I still don't understand how the rapes were about control and not just sex. I asked her that and she said that maybe she was too presumptuous. So does that mean that some rapes are just about sex?

While they may have been about sex too, if he just wanted sex, he would have just asked you to have sex with him. Like a normal person. The way your SO probably goes about having sex with you. You know, in a way that makes you feel sexy, lets you be involved, makes you feel good as well as him, etc.

I can't separate the hurtful words from my co-worker from the things that were done to me in the past.

This is where we see the control in abuse. Even after you're away from a situation, you aren't really away from it. The abuser lingers in your experiences and continues to hurt you years later. They have an untold amount of power that is, in essence, eternal, at least until you do what you're doing, put your foot down, and stop it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I still don't understand how the rapes were about control and not just sex.
These kind of people control THROUGH sex. They use sex to feel their own power. Having sex with you while you are unconscious or unaware gives him the power and the control. It makes him feel that he has something over you. He took something from you and for him, that makes him feel like the victor.....(when we understand that in reality, he is a coward).

I understand your bone-weary fatigue. This is the time when you need to nurture yourself and be extra good and loving towards yourself. You DO deserve to be loved, especially by you. You are a good person. You had bad things happen to you. You made unhealthy choices because of the bad things that happened to you. That does NOT make YOU a bad person. It makes you the victim of someone else's twisted needs. Many of us are victimized at some point in our lives, but we do not have to remain victims. We can become survivors and that is what you are on your way to.

Survivors are strong. They are powerful and wise. They understand that what happened to them and others sometimes is out of our control, but we can choose how we react to the abuse. We do not need to remain in the victim mindset. First, you have to realize you were a victim to another person's ill-intent. After you realize that, then you can start working on becoming a survivor, strong and wise and powerful in your own way. You are on that path, but it is work and scary and difficult. True growth always is.

We are here for you along that journey. Many of us have undertaken that journey and can help you along the way, and others are on that same journey with you. You are not alone courageous. ((((hugs))))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

((Courageous))
That does hurt, when your own kid says they don't love you. She doesn't mean it, Courageous, she's just trying out the behavior. Also, she would be afraid to say that if she weren't super confident that you love her. Kids misbehave for and melt down on the parent who's the real rock, the one they know is safe.

Practice this response to her -- something like, Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. But I always love you so much.

I really admire your strength in facing the truth, Courageous. You may not believe it yet -- I hope you will! We're all cheering for you.

Big hugs to you.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 853 | Registered: Sep 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

(((courageous)))

Putting the words on paper is a very courageous thing to do. Most people suffer in silence, reaching out and asking for help is very difficult and courageouse thing to do. And seeing the pain and struggle that you go thru to become the person you want to be is very humbling and at the same time honoring. Not many would share their steps along this journey. It is a very difficult path to take.

But it is so worth it... right now you don't see it...but you are probably healthier than you have ever been... and while today was tough and this week may be tough... you are still standing. All the shit that has happened to you, you have not given up your humanity, and become like those that abuse you. You have a kind and loving nature that shows thru your writing. For you to be able to keep that part of you from becoming bitter and hateful shows just how much strength you have.

Yes you are tired, working on yourself is extremely draining. Physically and emotionally... and yet you are doing it. Dealing with a bully coworker is also tough to deal with... and yet here you are.

I would be more worried IF you WEREN'T so tired... that would mean you weren't doing the work and just making noise for the sake of making noise.

One step at a time... even if the steps are in inches.. it is still forward momentum.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

So the other shoe at work dropped...

We had the meeting finally to address the incident and at first my co-worker said she was putting her 2 weeks notice in which pissed my boss off. Then she said that as long as I was still working in the office there will be a problem. She doesn't want to try to be nice any more, she wants to revert back to being a bitch and not caring. She then said that when she has bad days she is going to take it out on me and only me because she doesn't like me any more. The boss just said that she was sure we could act professional.

THEN... I had made a huge mistake and told the women in the office that I had started going to a rape crisis center for counseling. My boss said that I was projecting my anger and hurt from the rape onto the wrong person and basically implied that the verbal altercation that we got into was all my fault. I can't believe how they ALL ganged up on me. I think I'm going to start looking for something less toxic.

Is it possible that your SO has seen the real you? Perhaps your wish to be seen & known & appreciated is already coming true?

I know he has seen the real me I just have problems with the truth. My IC wants me to work on the lies that I have told myself because of the abuse.

You DO deserve to be loved, especially by you

And I'm the worst at loving me. It's something I need to work on.

You have a kind and loving nature that shows thru your writing. For you to be able to keep that part of you from becoming bitter and hateful shows just how much strength you have.

Thank you. I feel at times that people see my kindness and use it as a way to hurt me and abuse me. It's hard to trust people now because of so much abuse in my past.

I am still extremely stressed out and it's messing with my appetite... A linger effect from the A. I'm trying to relax but it's a bit difficult. There is so much going on in my life but I'm breathing and just trying to take one day at a time.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 5th (Friday)

We had the meeting finally to address the incident and at first my co-worker said she was putting her 2 weeks notice in which pissed my boss off. Then she said that as long as I was still working in the office there will be a problem. She doesn't want to try to be nice any more, she wants to revert back to being a bitch and not caring. She then said that when she has bad days she is going to take it out on me and only me because she doesn't like me any more. The boss just said that she was sure we could act professional.
This is five kinds of wrong. I think you are right to be looking for something else, because this is a screwed up workplace dynamic, to say the least. Lordy.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Courageous, You've been on my mind this morning... This popped up on my newsfeed, and I thought of you. I decided to share it.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

(((courageous)))


Posts: 34667 | Registered: Mar 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Thanks guys I guess it just shows how much I have grown. Before I would have taken the work issue upon myself because I felt I deserved it. Now I am like no....hell no! I don't deserve this. It's nice that I am finally seeing a change in myself.

I'm still struggling with all the lies I have told myself to survive and protect myself from abuse. I think in my counseling appointment I am going to address all of this and really work on seeing the truth. The truth has been so foreign to me for so long.

[This message edited by courageous at 10:25 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Courageous - your user name is SOOOO fitting. I'm glad you are seeing your growth, because it is blindingly bright to those of us reading your posts. Keep going, honey. You deserve this healing. You deserve the truth, the hard work, and the results that will come from it.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

THEN... I had made a huge mistake and told the women in the office that I had started going to a rape crisis center for counseling. My boss said that I was projecting my anger and hurt from the rape onto the wrong person and basically implied that the verbal altercation that we got into was all my fault. I can't believe how they ALL ganged up on me. I think I'm going to start looking for something less toxic.

I have found that 99% of people don't know what to say to a trauma survivor, and they unconsciously aim to distance themselves from the possibility that the same could happen to them so they push the survivor away and project stuff on them. It feels awful on the receiving end and I am sorry your dumb boss went so far in expressing his ignorance as to psychoanalyze you.

About six years ago I was assaulted In a training program and was shocked at the lack of empathy as the other students and teacher absolved the abuser and questioned me on how my past drew this event to me. The book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman MD really explained so much to me, I highly recommend it.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and going to IC. I hope you can find a better job with a more peaceful setting so that you get your work done, and focus on healing.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5796 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

I have discovered I now have a physical reaction to violence....

After being away for the weekend with SO, I came back to work determined to keep my head down and just do my job... that I couldn't trust my co-workers, etc. Well Monday my boss came up to me because she said I had been acting bizarre and that I have a shitty attitude. She asked me if I was happy working for the company because if I wasn't she was willing to help me find another job she just didn't want to be left stranded. I told her there were days I was happy and there were days I wasn't and right now I don't know what I feel. She was very confrontational. I told her how she hurt my feelings with her blaming the "altercation" all on me. She, like the good politician she is, said that she never said that. She was trying to figure out why I told her about the rape crisis center and was trying to connect the dots. She said we both acted poorly.

Well to make a long story short, the bi-polar person I had the "altercation" with heard the conversation. When my boss went into her office the bi polar told her she quit. There was A LOT of screaming and door slamming and I heard the boss say "get your hands out of my face".. It scared me so bad I was physically shaking and just wanted to crawl under the desk.

Yesterday the office had been so tense. I am still not happy about things and I can't trust anyone but now I'm in a bad position of being afraid to leave and cause more problems for the company.

I didn't use to be like this! I hate it! I hate the fear. I hate walking on eggshells.

What happened to me? I never use to have this strong reaction. During each time: the altercation, both meetings, and Monday I had suddenly gotten very cold to the point of shivering uncontrollably. I got light headed and dry mouth.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Big hugs, courageous. My guess is that by starting to work on the past traumas, you have pulled back the scab that had formed over the wounds, and those nerve endings are exposed and back at the surface. It is a very vulnerable time for you, but believe it or not, I see that as a good sign. You are working on all the right stuff.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

(((C)))

the bi polar told her she quit.

Did she actually quit? Because IMO that's a good thing. You shouldn't have to work with someone like her.

I am still not happy about things and I can't trust anyone but now I'm in a bad position of being afraid to leave and cause more problems for the company.

You don't owe this company anything. They have a legal duty to provide a safe working environment, and if this isn't it, then you certainly don't have any obligation to stay just to help the company. It's not personal, it's business, and your first business is your own stability.

That said, if you need the job/money/benefits, would it be possible for you to transfer internally? More individual/independent work? Out of the toxic office?

ETA: I agree with NIK too, healing hurts sometimes but it's worth it. Are you still seeing your IC?

[This message edited by Amazonia at 9:14 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I wouldn't like hearing screaming and doors slamming in my office.

I am glad you were able to talk to your boss about what happened and you stuck to your truth. THAT was very courageous.

Keeping your head low... is ok.. it's protecting yourself..

Hopefully with the bipolar worker gone, your office gets calmer.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Did she actually quit?

Now I'm not too sure she supposedly quit and didn't even give 2 weeks notice but came in the next day to work. Her sister works in the office also. I asked her today if we are going to be okay when bi polar leaves. She says her sister has not given her official notice yet. So now I'm thinking this is all a game. It makes my leaving not so bad.

In the mean time I have to "play the game" of being cheerful all the time. Apparently I can't have a bad day or want to be quiet or else I'm rude and have a bad attitude.

This is the most dysfunctional place I have ever worked at. It's the corporate office and there are only about 10 of us in the office.

Are you still seeing your IC?

I am. I'm not sure if it is helping any. I leave confused frequently. We end up talking about SO's issues and childhood a lot. I don't know why.

My guess is that by starting to work on the past traumas, you have pulled back the scab that had formed over the wounds, and those nerve endings are exposed and back at the surface. It is a very vulnerable time for you, but believe it or not, I see that as a good sign.

That's probably true. I have always been sensitive to yelling. When I was a child it would make me cry. I remember several occasions when I was a teenager hearing my parents and brother screaming... I would hide in my room crying and so afraid of what was going to happen.

My work atmosphere is very volatile. The owner calls and yells at employees. There have many occasions of someone yelling at another person in the office. The bi polar person has a nickname of chucky because she stabbed her boyfriend.

This job was a blessing back when I was completely broken and damaged. Now that I'm trying to break free they have a problem with me getting healthy.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

@kajem-- I really liked that quote you shared with me.... It kind of describes what I'm doing now. It really made me feel good.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I'm all over the place today....

I have been reading a book called "love isn't suppose to hurt". It has really struck a nerve with me. It's by Christi Paul who is a news anchor who suffered from emotional abuse from her husband. The things she said were so much like my marriage. She understood what I went through.

It's encouraging but at the same time rips opens gaping wounds. I realize now that my ex NEVER cherished, respected, or valued me.

My trip to SO really drove that point home. I'm afraid of heights and have never traveled alone before, yet I got on a plane all by myself to go spend the holiday with SO. when he picked me up he had a dozen roses for me.

My ex never gave me flowers. I got a single rose when we were dating after 9-11 because he had a dream I died and it bothered him.

SO wanted to make sure I was happy. He offered to go to the store and get me any kind of ice cream I wanted and I could just relax at his house and wait for him if I wanted. My ex during both pregnancies told me that if I had a craving for anything I had to go out and get it... He didn't care what time of the day it was he wasn't going to get anything for me. This was the man I vowed to spend the rest of my days with

I told my IC about the BEST compliment my ex ever gave me... When I asked him if he liked me better with or without makeup on he told me he liked me without because I looked like a clown when I wore makeup.

My IC said "this was a compliment?" I told her yes it was... It was his best compliment. She stated the question a couple more times to me. I realized that no that wasn't a compliment. How did I get that far gone to think anything good out of that?

I thought I was doing well. My visit with SO was so refreshing. I even got on a motorcycle for the first time. I loved it!

And yet here I am, all alone and feeling the darkness calling out to me... My friend of many years beckoning me to return to the lonely, empty, and broken existence I was/ am.

I saw a squirrel fall out of the top of a tree today. It hit the driveway with a load smacking sound. I thought for sure it was dead. It laid there for a long while and then it started twitching. It pulled itself to its feet, in obvious pain. It stood there in utter stillness watching me. I could tell it was afraid because his breathing got very rapid. I hurt for this creature and wanted to help it yet I knew that if I got near him it's fear would just sky rocket. I went inside. After a while I came back out to check on him. The squirrel was gone but I could see drag marks through the dirt where he pulled himself to hiding.

I feel like that squirrel.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:54 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 12th (Friday)

I am not doing very well. I had been feeling like I was just waking up from a long sleep and seeing things so clearly. Now I feel like I am starting to reach a plain of indifference again. I kind of been thinking about cutting again...just once to see if it does the same for me like it used to. My thoughts are a bit obsessive on this. I spent 2 hours last night weighing the pros and cons. I told SO about my thoughts and he offered to stay on the phone with me all night to ensure I didn't hurt myself. I was able to convince him to go to bed after I promised to go to bed myself. I just feel so blah!

I feel I am being gaslighted a little at work and they have done a really good job of making me think I was over reacting. SO has been encouraging me to keep looking for another job.

I'm just so tired and worn out. This is not how life is suppose to be. What has happened to my joy??

My fear is that if I don't do something like cutting that I might do something even more self destructive to sabotage my relationship. I need to get out of this place of indifference. **For those who might read this wrong... I have not and will not ever cheat. The self destructiveness would be something other than that**


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Do you have medical leave from work? Could you ask your IC if there's anything she can do to help you get short term disability to focus on your health?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13681 | Registered: Jul 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Do you have medical leave from work? Could you ask your IC if there's anything she can do to help you get short term disability to focus on your health?

No I don't. I don't even get paid sick days or holidays. I can see that my company wouldn't believe I'm "disabled" in any way. I think I have been suffering from depression since the A. I get better and then I get worse... It's a never ending roller coaster.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

I am so sorry you are in this job. I hope you can either find a relative or friend to live with so you can quit, or find another job that's a peaceful environment. I also get afraid if people raise their voices in anger and would not be able to work in such a place. You are a brave woman. I hope you can find healthy, non self destructive relief.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5796 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

((((((courageous)))))

I am glad you like it... When I saw it, you popped into my head. So I shared.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

ugh! So it seems I am definitely in the anger stage. I am angry at so much right now.

My IC says I am grieving. I told her about the increased violence in my rape fantasies and the thoughts of cutting. She asked me if I was a harm to myself and gave me the hotline number. Also I had to promise not to hurt myself this week. It felt so silly making that promise I kind of laughed when she said it.

Two nights ago when I was talking to SO the conversation went to a bad place.... I don't remember what about... I was trying to keep my emotions under control and I stuck my nails into my arm as a way to disassociate. I left marks that are still visible today All i can say is at least I didn't act out my thoughts which was to take a blade to both arms, from wrist to elbow. My feelings are all over the place!!!

I don't feel like I'm getting better.

My mom said something sunday that has hurt me and bothered me since then. when she met my SO for the first time, one of the first things she said to him was that I was very disorganized and messy. SO thought she was just making a joke. I had to explain to him that she was being very serious. So this sunday she said that I needed to be completely upfront and fully disclose to SO my disorganization and messiness because it will always be "a bone of contention between us in our relationship". Seriously??????

It just made me realize that my mother will never be happy with anything I do... I will never be good enough. I discussed this with my IC and she thought it was sad that my own mother will never know the real me because it has never been safe to show myself to her. it's just so sad realizing her words are a reflection of her not me. That's not a pretty picture.

Of course my mom has also said in the past that she doesn't want me to ever go through another divorce because she wouldn't be able to handle it..... she doesn't have the strength. Uh, hello I'm the one that went through the divorce. My husband cheated on me and abused me..... I guess my mother would rather me stay in abusive relationship so that SHE doesn't have to go through anything difficult.

I haven't told her about counseling at the rape crisis center. She thinks I'm going to IC at church, which i did at one point.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 140