Wayward Side
User Topic: When she's struggling with everything....
New Member
Member # 38788
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Let me start this off by saying that my single biggest concern in all of this is the well being of my betrayed wife, her health, her mental well-being, her over all well-being. That said, she has been struggling lately, struggling with everything, struggling to get herself out of bed and get motivated.

I am concerned for her, but I am also seriously concerned about her job. My affair was with a co-worker, I left a good government job with good benefits (it was a mutual decision, it was the right decision, I don't regret it or second-guess it for a second), meaning that we now rely on her job for our health insurance while I am in the process of beginning my own law practice. We have two children, our son had significant health issues during his first year (turned one in February), we cannot afford not to have health insurance, and I am incredibly concerned that she is going to be fired.

Since I have left my job I have mostly been working from home, her job allows her the same freedom to set her own schedule, so I am fully aware of how much time she has spent working versus how much time we have spent together. In many ways it has been wonderful, we have spent a lot of time focusing on each other, a lot of time talking through difficult issues. On the flip side, neither she nor I is devoting the amount of time to our careers that we should be, and now I don't know how to push her to re-committ herself to her job without coming across as insensitive to everything she is going through. Whenever I have mentioned our precarious position, her response is that it is unfair for me to put that pressure on her, that I am the one who did this and put us in this spot. Anyone who has dealt with anything similar, or gone through anything similar, I would appreciate any advice, I don't know what to do, and I now that the only way things can definitely get worse than they are now is by introducing truly devastating financial concerns....

Me - 34 - Wayward
Her - 37 - Betrayed (smittennomore)
Two kids
D-Day: 12.19.12

2 Year Physical & Emotional Affair (Co-Worker)

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

It sounds like she is experiencing depression, has she sought out professional help for it? Is she in IC.

Depression, PTSD, and other side effects are very common. Sometimes professional hep is needed to deal with it.

Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

BS here -hope you don't mind my input. I didn't see a stop sign.
I too am currently the sole bread winner & 6 months in I'm still struggling to keep my focus on work. I have a great job & a understanding boss but if I keep up on my current path I could get fired. It's tough dealing with your whole world being shattered by the one person you trusted over everyone else & then try to keep the families head above water financially. It's a lot of stress & quite overwhelming. I have a lot of days where I just want to give up but I can't for my families sake. I wonder when do I get to have the meltdown I'm entitled to? I'm sure she's aware of your precarious financial status & that is adding to her stress level. Just my thoughts - I'm living it myself.

BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time

Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
sinsof thefather
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

BS here. I didn't see a stop sign.

I agree your wife could need help for depression - has she spoken to her doctor about this?

In the meantime, if as you say

"neither she nor I is devoting the amount of time to our careers that we should be"

could you take some of the pressure off her shoulders by looking for a job for yourself with health benefits? Even if it means putting the starting of your own practice on hold temporarily?

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Is it possible, to try to speak to her about your concern and frame it as you have here? "BS, I''m speaking as a parent today. We have a child with significant health issues. I''m so sorry, I know this puts more unfair pressure on you, but what will we do if we lose our health insurance? How will that affect our child? I know that my actions put this burdon on you and it''s totally unfair, but can we please think about what the two of us need to do to keep our children insured? What do you think? What do you suggest?" Or something to that effect.

Disclaimer, while we have no children, I do have significant health issues of my own, so I totally get needing that assurance that, if health goes south, that at least there is insurance to help with the costs.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 10th (Friday)

could you take some of the pressure off her shoulders by looking for a job for yourself with health benefits? Even if it means putting the starting of your own practice on hold temporarily?

This is the approach I'd take.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 6