Just Found Out
User Topic: Is it cheating?
New Member
Member # 39157
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I found a picture of a girl (whom I know) on my H's messages. She was in her bikini. He deleted it before I could read any text. I found it 4 months ago. I confronted him and her. Both said it was just something stupid they shouldn't have done. Just a couple of days ago I was able to find parts of old text messages on his phone. (They had been deleted but I found a way to resurrect bits and pieces). In one she asks him if he is going to come and see her the next day. He tells me she wanted him to see her new house her and her boyfriend bought. They were joking around in the other texts I could find talking about which rooms were their favorite. Not sure why. As I am confronting him about all of this yesterday, he lets it slip that after her mom died, last August, she called him to come over because she was so upset. He said her good girlfriend and her boyfriend were working, that's why she didn't call them. He was working too and he still went over. He's a police officer so he's out and about during his job. I feel like he has cheated on me again. He had a PA 11 years ago. Is this cheating? Is it enough to break up a marriage with 3 small kids?

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

It certainly warrants further investigation. The text messages about the "favorite rooms" makes you wonder if they were christening different rooms in the house? Keep digging and see what you find.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

it was just something stupid they shouldn't have done

I think that this answer says volumes.
"it was stupid" is probably one of the most common WS responses to being caught.

I feel like he has cheated on me again

You have enough red flags here to know that there is a serious problem. At a minimum your H is inappropriate with piss poor boundaries.

Is it enough to break up a marriage with 3 small kids?

that question is for you to answer and its not one that needs an answer this minute. The pattern of your posts tell me that you are on a quest for the truth. You feel as though you don't have it, and you aren't getting it. Based on what you have written....I don't think you have it.

Most importantly....Are you eating and drinking? Are you taking care of yourself right now?

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 9th (Thursday)


I think there's a lot more to this 'story' than he's telling you. A lot more.

Be good to yourself.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

They were joking around in the other texts I could find talking about which rooms were their favorite. Not sure why.

Amberdawn....IMHO they are talking about which room is their favorite to have sex in. You found enough to know he has serious boundary issues. Exchanging pictures and texting another woman after being a wayward is a big no no. He knew this going into it yet he took the risk anyway even knowing how much hell, pain, and devastation he caused you last time He still chose to do it again. He will gaslight the hell out of you so be prepared. Tell her BF, he may be able to get the info out of the OW or find more proof. So sorry that you are here once again.

Is it enough to break up a marriage with 3 small kids?

Only you can answer this, you know what your deal breakers are and what you can live with. At a minimum he is having an EA but due to the text you found, it really sounds like a PA. I am so sorry.

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

It certainly sounds like there is more. You said your H is a cop? He's be alerted that you have some idea of what is going on?

I would say you need to get your ducks in a row, stash some funds, see a lawyer, and hire a PI, He is going to be the master of underground I am willing to bet. Given his occupation, he knowledge and opportunity to really get away with a lot. Finding proof will be difficult on your own.

I would say get the PI and try to maintain some sense of normalcy while you find out what is REALLY going on.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
New Member
Member # 39206
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Does nobody respect boundaries anymore?? Pictures? Really? I'm new on here also, and I've gotten some pretty good advice so far. One thing I've been told is to gather more information. You would think that him being a cop, his pictures and messages would have been a little better hidden. But now since he knows you are suspicious, he won't be as sloppy about things.
((hugs)) to you!!


Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Yes, it's cheating.

And here's the thing... what you've found is the tip of a very large iceberg, and don't you let him tell you different.

Those with nothing to hide hide nothing. Think of all the things he deleted that you didn't find.

I'm so sorry, sweetie. These are telltale symptoms of something much deeper. We're here for you. Be strong and know that you're going to be ok, and that you're NOT crazy.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Trust your instincts. Take this time to get ready for the next step by gathering information. Get copies of your bank statements, credit card statements, phone records, mortgage and house documents, pay stubs, income tax returns. Put the documents in a safe place where your H has no access to (a trusted family member or friend, safety deposit box). You may never need these documents but if you do, you have will have them ready.

Continue to check up on your H. It looks suspicious and he is already covering his tracks by deleting the first text. If a PI is a possibility, make sure it is a good one, due to your H's profession.

I'm so sorry. But be strong and never doubt your strength and ability to do what needs to be done.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 366 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Why yes, I think it probably is...

Posts: 183 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

He is cheating. If not with his body then with his mind.

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Topic Posts: 11