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Wayward Side
User Topic: I just dont get it....
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I just don't get how WS's mourn the loss of their AP.

I do however mourn the loss of my M. It wasn't perfect, but is wasn't tainted by my A.

I mourn for the loss of my BH. We are still together and committed to R, but he is a completely changed man.

I mourn for the ease of laughter between my BH & I. While we do laugh, it certainly isn't as often or come with such ease.

I mourn for the sparkle in my BH eyes. All I see now is sadness.

I mourn for a mind free from my A. I think about the damage it has caused all the time.

I mourn for the dead sleep my BH use to have, free of dreams.

I mourn for the days I thought a 'trigger' was something that was part of a gun.

I mourn for the days when silence between us didn't really mean anything.

I guess I just don't understand how someone can mourn the loss of the AP when someone who loves them very, very much is still there beside them, wanting to work on the M and hurting way more you can possibly imagine...

Mourn for the loss of the AP?

Fuck the AP...

[This message edited by SandAway at 9:08 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Word Sister.

I didn''t mourn the AP himself as much as I mourned the feelings he gave me. It wasn''t about him. It was the feelings. The validation. I used a very sick, twisted man to get what I needed for me. It was all about me and my feelings. I overlooked the fact he was an SA. I overlooked the fact he used arm chair shrink tactics on me to suck me in further. All I looked at was feelings and validation.

Its heartbreaking to see newbies in the fantasy stage, still adamant that they what they had was "real" and "perfect".

We were both there too Sand. Don''t forget that. Maybe one day they will realize the truth.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:21 AM, May 9th, 2013 (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Well said, SandAway.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Well said.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I agree, and I went through that stage too. Like Aubrie says though, it isn't the AP, it is the feelings. Once a person makes that distinction, it is easier to see how fucked up those feelings were, and the source.

I think that a lot of people exist feeling everything internally, hidden deep within ourselves. And I think we live that way as a sort of self protection. When the A starts, those internalized feelings are off the chart. Never knowing another way of dealing with emotions/feelings, it can be very difficult to learn a new way of experiencing those feelings and the new feelings.

I miss many of the same things that you listed, but it is a chance to grow too.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
JKL Vikings
Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

SandAway
hugs from TX. I don't get it either. The best thing any remorseful wayward can say to their AP is simple
Go away and STAY away.
Keep doing right by your H. Show him that R is in fact the right move. I know it's hard. You can do it. Holler or even PM anytime.
JKL


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Yes, it is true that mourning for the loss of the AP is the same as mourning for the high that the A gave us. But, again, I never mourned those feelings.

Since DDay, I never once missed any of that. My BH was my only concern.

We are all different and end up here from different situations. It just seems there has been a lot of talk lately about this and I wanted to add my thoughts to it all.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

My BH was my only concern.

Where do you fit in with that? Remember you betrayed yourself first, before you plopped this shit on your BS right?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I'm sorry if my posts have upset some people. This was not my intention. I was just being honest and seeking support.

I realise it may have come across insensitive and I apologise for that.

Was just trying to reach out.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Trying, I don't think this is specifically about you or anyone in particular. It is a matter of fact that what we read is going to make us reflect upon our own situations, and it's okay.

SandAway...sorry if I'm out of line answering this post.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I went through that phase after my first A. I too thought it was about the AP, but for me, it was about holding onto some sort of control, and not letting myself be vulnerable for fear of being left.

As I pick it apart now, for me, it was a way to protect myself. That if my W decided to leave, it would be a soft landing, and easy way out for me. I was not ready to be authentic with myself, or my W at the time.

I can't speak for all WSs, but I agree that it is not about the AP. It is about the feeling, and as long as you are living based on what you feel, and not your commitments, you can't truly look at R as an option.

Trying, I don't think you are upsetting anyone. I don't think you should make this about you per se.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I didn't mourn the AP himself as much as I mourned the feelings he gave me. It wasn't about him. It was the feelings. The validation. It was all about me and my feelings.

Yes. This.
All about me....shame I didn't get that at the time :( I guess for an intellectually bright person, it just highlights how emotional dumb I was. :(

SandAway - this is exactly where I am. Unlike you however, I did mourn the loss the A feelings but I realise now it's because I shut myself off from my BH deliberately. I caused the rift when a crack appeared and put the AP in the gap in the middle right between me and my BH. And after the AP was gone I didn't know how to reconnect. Thank God my BH stuck with me long enough from me to get my head out of my arse. Love him.

I don't mourn the AP and I didn't from the day I actually committed to R. Like I switched off from him and refocussed on "us". I grieve from our M; I hate that we can't reminisce about our wedding day. I miss that look my BH used to have for me....I'm sad I threw all this away.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Where do you fit in with that? Remember you betrayed yourself first, before you plopped this shit on your BS right?

Yes, that is true. I was referencing that I didn't miss anything about my A and that my BS was my concern, not the AP or the high from the A. And I did betray myself - I have since realized I had very poor boundaries all my life along with other realizations that I never considered before.

Trying33 - BaxtersBFF and badchoice are right, my post had nothing to do with your posts, or anyone really. I was just reflecting my thoughts - which once again I probably should have kept to myself. I am truly sorry if I have offended you, or anyone else.

[This message edited by SandAway at 1:01 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Sand, don't apologize for posting your thoughts. The thoughts you express at the beginning of this thread are exactly what a BH needs to hear. And, more importantly, to feel from his W. Your H needs to be able to read these words coming from you. He needs to see actions that show the words to be true. He needs to be able to look into your eyes and see that those words come from your heart. You can't begin to imagine how healing your words will be for him when/if he can believe they do come from your heart. Please don't hold back on expressing thoughts and emotions of the type you express at the beginning of this thread. give them to your H often. Show him they are real and true.


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 593 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Thanks 1985

I do hold back my thoughts. To much.

Your words really hit me - thank you


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I agree, there is no missing the AP , the fact is that it was a total screwed up version of reality, so how do you miss that. The only thing I see of the other person is the opportunist he was and is. Its a relief that person is gone. no more lies deciet and bull any more. It is not something a FWS should be doing is mourning that loss. Just my opinion


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I mourn for the days I thought a 'trigger' was something that was part of a gun.

Me too. I'm a BS, but I totally sympathize with you all, too. It's not "easier" for any of us. I'm glad your BH is still holding on to you. It makes me believe in love again and how strong he is to try to help you because he truly loves you and only you. This board gives me insight because you all have hearts too. Yours are just a little heavier...

I didn't realize how much this board could help me understand WS perspective.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 17