User Topic: I think I've figured out my biggest trigger...Normalcy!
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

When we get out of that lovey-dovey, new relationship mode that we've been in for the last 3 months, I seem to trigger. When we have to be parents, housekeepers, or employees too much and the heat between us settles down, I trigger. Things feel too it felt before he left.

He was never mean to me before I found out about his EA last April. We never argued about anything. We were great parents, great employees, etc. We just didn't spend a lot of quality time together as a couple. We had sex, but we didn't hang out. We stopped prioritizing our relationship over everything else several years before his A.

So now, if we go for more than 2-3 days without quality time, it starts feeling "normal" and I get upset. That's what happened to me earlier this week. Things felt "normal". Apparently, I need that extra closeness right now to feel safe.

Anyone else trigger from being "normal"?

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Apparently, I need that extra closeness right now to feel safe.

^^^^^This is HUGE!!!! It would be a much better world if everyone could vocalize what they need as easily as you just did!!!! Tell him and make it loud and clear!

Maybe "normal" needs to be redefined into "everyday I need an hour of you and me time" or whatever makes you feel safe.

Hugs to you,

BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1011 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Normalcy? Your new normal should be to ask for what you want and to spend time together, just "hanging out"

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I guess we just haven't had enough of the "new normal" yet to make it feel just "normal". When life gets in the way, we seem to revert back to prioritizing everything else but us, like we used to. Obviously, that's going to happen occassionally. But last week and weekend were hectic for both of us and the kids. It was all we could do to fall into bed most nights.

We have established date nights. He works from home 2-3 days a week and I only work 3 miles from home so I get to eat lunch with him those days. (Last week, he had conf calls every day so I made lunch for both of us but we didn't eat in the same room.)

I think that's where we need to do the work next. Reconnecting every single day, even if it's for 15 minutes. He's very supportive of whatever I need. I plan to talk to him tonight about it.

Thanks for your support!

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

This is a great post. H drove this for us because I was a basket case and could not function post DD. I have come to accept and appreciate his constant checking in and planning stuff together, the walls up windows closed relationship I have seen described here. I like the new normal. (Hope it lasts )

The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, May 10th (Friday)

WOW....can I send you a big thank you!!!! I think you figured out my recent issues. I have been so up and down lately. And you are so boils down to having a normal household again. Boy does it scare the crap out of me.

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I had this breakthrough this week at IC.

My FWH was able to cheat on me for three years and I did not notice. He was my best friend, we went out on dates, we made financial decisions, we had sex, we laughed and flirted with each other.

And I miss that safety in believing he and I were "above" it. What we had was real because we worked on it. So when normal comes around I have a hard time with believing it is not hiding something else. What we had was not real but I was the compartmentalized wife area of his life. And when he traveled his other persona came out and I had no idea.

I don't have any coping hints but I just wanted to know that you are not alone!

Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Great post TXBW!

And Ophelia, I could've written what you wrote almost verbatim. Totally thought we were "above" something like this.

It's all so icky

♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 10th (Friday)

appreciate the post - dealing with the same thing this week.
Its almost like you see what was previously normal happening and it gives you emotional whiplash and you start hurting and wonder what the heck is going on...It is a job to squash old repeat patterns so as not to potentially go thru the same thing down the road...

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 9