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Reconciliation
User Topic: I put my ring back on
phoenix54
Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Ok. This might sound wishy-washy but weeks ago I had removed my ring because I felt it had lost its meaning. After all, it was supposed to represent my wife's love and fidelity.

I was not trying to be dramatic or make a statement. It was genuinely how I felt.

Weeks went by and she apparently never noticed (or never let on that she noticed) until we were away recently and got into a big argument about it (I had posted about this before).

Then the one year anniversary of d-day came and went. My wife showed me a lot of love, kindness and understanding.

Anyway, another period of time elapsed and I was thinking about my ring. I ultimately decided to put it back on.

I felt like not wearing my ring was sending the wrong signal. Not to my wife but to the rest of the world that somehow I was single and available and I just wasn't comfortable with that.

I still think it lost some of its meaning. But now I see another meaning in the ring. That I am committed to someone and unavailable. At least for the present.

I still can't predict what happens down the road but for now I'm still married.

Today, she thanked me for putting the ring back on. I really didn't do it for her but for me. If it comes off again, it will be because I am no longer married.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 10:46 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
MUFan
Member
Member # 38284
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I put mine on again as well. It was a sign that I am married and committed. I hadn't worn in it in a couple of years. It bothered him so I put it back on as a sign of my commitment to R.
Ironic how I am not the wayward but didn't wear my ring...he is and has never taken it off.
Unfortunately I asked him to take his off today. He wore it during the ONS and the thought of it touching her makes me ill. We are going out to lunch to buy a new one for him though.


Me (35)
fWH (35)- emotional affair that ended after a ONS (1-24-13)
4 kids
"Ah yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."
-The Lion King

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2013
wincing_at_light
Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that she just made a big, ugly scene on your weekend getaway over you not wearing a ring, does it?

Or am I confusing your story with someone else's? (It happens.)

I guess my question would be: did you re-think this, or are you giving in because anything else is feeding her drama llama?

I ask that not to be critical, but to understand. Shit, my wife went out and bought me a replacement wedding ring and came home all excited for me to wear it (complete with her wanting to recite our wedding vows as she put it on) that went over completely like a lead balloon for me. I'd specifically said that I wasn't interested in a new ring after I threw mine away when I learned that the duration of the affair hadn't been 3-4 months, but a couple of years.

The new ring felt incredibly disrespectful. It felt like she was trying to smooth things over. A very small part of me also understood that it was a gesture of hope (this was just a few months after D-day)...but most of me resented the living fuck out of it.

But I wore it. Took it off and left it in the truck sometimes. Lost it a couple of times. Finally dug out my old wedding band (that my wife had pulled from under a dresser or something after I'd pitched it) and used it to keep the new one on, because it's a bit too big and I'm too lazy to have jewelry re-sized.

Seriously, I hated the shit out of the replacement ring for a long time, but I knew I'd get over it...and even though I'm more than happy to be a dick on regular occasions, I also didn't want to hurt my wife's feelings by rejecting and ridiculing her little flicker-of-hope gesture.

So...like I said, no criticism here. I just think it's important to delve into *why* you'd put it back on so soon after it was the catalyst for a big, bitchy wife explosion.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6743 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I can relate Phoenix. I decided to get my ring resized so that I can wear it because I was inadvertently sending the wrong signal to the world. I was so happy to put it back on. A bit strange, but about a year ago, when my fWH started his A, suddenly my hands changed and I couldn''''t fit my ring over my knuckle anymore! I hadn''''t worn my ring for about a year up until a few weeks ago.

[This message edited by Knowing at 11:24 AM, May 9th, 2013 (Thursday)]


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Not wearing mine bothered me as well. I look single. I will NOT wear the rings he gave me the day he lied to me and promised to be faithful though. We bought an inexpensive CZ ring for now, since we are just committing to attempt R, if/when we complete this stage - I will get a "real" ring with new vows. We picked it up yesterday after it was sized and had a BAD night so my hand is still bare but at some point I will put it on.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Almost the same thing happened with me as wincing, swapping out a few personal details.

FWH bought me a gorgeous new set of rings... I told him that a diamond wasn't appropriate so he went back and got a green sapphire instead. It's the exact color of my eyes. It's amazing. I HATE it at the moment. I can't wear it. It's more a hard reminder and apology than a new start for me. It came way too soon.

Now I wear a $10 silver band FWH got me 3 years before we were married when I miscarried and he promised that whether we stayed together or not he would always care for me.

He didn't dig it back up and give it to me again - I decided that it still held meaning for me, and I want to do the right thing and display a ring that shows the general public that I am married and I am going to respect my H and my marriage.

I look down at it and I'm sad that I'm not rocking some kind of bling, but it feels like the most authentic-to-me thing to have on my finger right now.

The most important thing we can do as healing BS's is be true to ourselves every step of the way. Wearing a ring after DDay is a very personal decision, and I can't imagine there being a uniform reason why someone should or shouldn't be wearing it.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16844 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday)


..i now look at rings this way.

Hold the ring between the thumb and the index finger, so that you can look through the hole.

What number does it look like??

Yes.... a big fat 'ZERO'..

That's how much a wedding ring, hers and mine, mean to me.

..last year, one of our cats got my ruby ring that my parents gave me for my 18th birthday and proceeded to play with it. Haven't seen it since. I wear no rings or any jewelry now.

..smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4117 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Phoenix:

After my H first A, I threw away the ring he gave me the day we got married. So, for about four years, I walked around without a wedding ring even though we had reconciled some months after we had separated.

During our fourth year of R, my H surprised me with a vow renewal ceremony at church where he invited my family and friends and his loved ones to come out w/our church family. He bought me a brand new diamond ring to commemorate the renewal.

That was nice until his EA a couple of years later, of which, I pawned that ring.

After that, I bought myself a new, simpler wedding band as a sign of my commitment to God, my H and myself and to have on my hand to show that I was committed and not available but is just temporary until either H and I renew for real the next time or it comes off for good...

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 11:51 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 176 | Registered: Feb 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I know how you feel. You love her, you always have. You didn't deserve this. You were the one who held your vows as sacred and the ring SHE gave you, she symbolically broke. I, too, wear a broken ring and I'll wear it with pride because it's mine and my broken H gave it to me.

H asked why I wasn't wearing it, so I put it back on. I took it off for a few weeks here and there. But, it's back on.

I get sad everytime I look at it. But, this is my life. This is what I got dealt. What am I supposed to do? I'm tired of fighting myself, I'm tired of being angry. I don't want to cry. I'm in a weird wounded kind of stage now. The bewilderment and angst seems to be residing for now. I feel calmer and loveable again. It's kind of nice. Melancholy, but in a pleasant kind of way.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:08 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
phoenix54
Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I've dropped hints that it might be nice to get new rings and renew vows at some point...if we continue to R.

I'm not going to drive that process. It would have to be her doing.


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

I hinted at a new ring, too. Just a thin black band, no gems this time. We'll see...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
phoenix54
Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

No, I did not put it back on because we had an argument.

I put it back on because I was rethinking the meaning.

For the present, I am committed and unavailable. After giving it further thought, to me not wearing my ring suggests otherwise.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 12:15 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
D2confused
New Member
Member # 39127
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

This topic hits home to me. I recently took my wedding band off. I'm not sure if I'm being hypocritical but I want my WW to wear her wedding rings. I have no idea if she even notices that I'm not wearing mine. I almost want to hand her my band and let her know I really don't care for it right now.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

^^That's a normal reaction. After all, the ring she put on your hand was a "sign of her love and fidelity." She broke that. The ring you put on her hand is a sign of your love and fidelity...you didn't break your vows.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
befuzzled110
Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I am going to share big time here. When WH was in affair, I hadn't been wearing my ring for a long time. Not because I wanted to give the signal that I was single. But because I felt single. I didn't go out to place or act single. In fact I was depressed and it showed, and that kept everyone at bay. My WH on the other hand, never wore his ring. He used work as an excuse to not wear it regularly. I never saw that as a problem until he had his affair. When he had his affair neither of us was wearing rings. After the affair, he wore his ring all the time, and I tried to wear mine, but it had lost it's meaning. I asked for a new ring, and used all the stones from my original ring, plus the stone from a ring his mother had given me and got a new setting. I thought that it was a good ring, a reminder of the past and present, and hopeful of the future. Until he had another affair, while he was wearing his ring. The ring, it means nothing. It shows neither commitment or anything else. I bounce on this ring thing a lot. When I feel like WH and I are doing well, I wear the ring. When we aren't, I don't. I don't care about his ring. He didn't respect it. At one point, we separated. And then I let him come home after 5 months. During this time we tried wearing our rings, but somethings came to light and I handed him my ring back, and told him I don't care if he wears his or not. He said that hurt deeply, that he was committed to trying and the ring actually symbolized that for him. In the end of it, for now, WH wears his ring. I, on the other hand, don't at the moment. It's all about personal choice and how YOU feel.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I took mine off and will never put it back on my ring finger. The diamond was my Mom's and we had the band made. After DDay#1 I lost a lot of weight and lost the band due to the infedelity diet. I then took off the diamond after DDay#2 and have never put it back on. I may wear it on another finger because it was my Mother's, but never on my ring finger. At this point I don't want another ring. It bothers WH#2 that I don't wear it, but I told him it no longer means anything. He broke all the vows attached to it, now it's just my Mom's ring.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I took mine off- if she'd taken hers off I'd have been ANGRY.

Mine's back on because I'm married and committed to my wife.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Mine lays on a cross on my dresser. I have tried to put it back on, but he doesn't care either way, as he feels rings don't mean much. Its what is in the heart.
But to me, it means a whole lot. It was a symbol of us, trust we had and the trust that was lost. Now, when I put it on I feel like it will bring bad luck to us. Is that stupid or what?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
LonelyBH
New Member
Member # 38634
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

My ring got crushed at work a couple years ago. Never got a replacement, and I did take her ring back, but for me it was thinking about her in the act with them while wearing the ring. She never took it off, told her ap's she was married and didn't care. That ring has no good meaning left to me, it mocked me if anything.


BH:22
WW:22
S:4
Dday:2-27-13
Almost Reconciling

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: LonelyBH
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

The other thing is my wife used to take it off if it didn't match her jewellery- if she tried that now I would be very unhappy.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I haven't worn my ring or any other jewellery since dday.

WH didn't even notice. A friend of ours pointed out that I was not wearing it and I explained that I didn't feel married any more. The ring was a symbol,of our wedding vows which of course were broken.

WH never wore his wedding ring. I don't know if he even knows where it is.

He has never asked me about my ring.

Still don't feel married.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 743 | Registered: Feb 2012
La Traviata
Member
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

It's funny- WH taking off his ring (at a bar, with the intention of picking up a ONS) was the big part of why I left.

All last year I consciously kept my ring on- I never once took it off.

Since I left him last month I've had a horrible eczema flare on both hands, and the ring was making it worse by trapping moisture between my fingers. So I took it off. I'm strangely okay with it. I'll probably put it on when I go out with my roommate just as a "stop sign" but I'm quite comfortable not wearing it.


Really, really on the fence about this R business.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I still wear mine. Till death do us part, that's what I said and I meant it.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I really didn't do it for her but for me

This here is the perfect reason for putting it back on imho

I've dropped hints that it might be nice to get new rings and renew vows at some point

Do I have you confused with another poster, or did you already renew your vows a few months ago?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36788 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Beautifulmom
Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I totally get this topic. I stopped wearing my rings a few months ago. WH didn't even notice until I pointed it out 2 months later. He said he felt bad about not noticing but since has not mentioned whether I wear them or not.
A few weeks ago I was at the grocery store and a really cute guy there kept checking me out. I have never noticed flirting or anyone checking me out before, but this one I noticed. When I went home I couldn't get it out of my head. I guess because of what happened my self esteem is so low that it was nice to have someone interested, like I needed that verification. The next week I caught myself wondering if any single dads would be at a preschool function that I was going to as I passed over my rings when getting ready.
That was a wake up call for me. I put my rings on and realized what a slippery slope it is. I saw a glimpse of what my ex bff must have wanted from my husband, and how nice it is to be looked at in that way. The difference is that I will never be like her. I am a good person, and will honor my vows and put others in my life first (even when they might now deserve it), and will never act so selfishly as to destroy the people I love's lives with my actions.

Yes, he made the rings meaningless. yes, my stomach turns when I think of him placing them on my finger 10 years ago (as she stood there 2 feet from me and held my flowers). But until I make it clear that I am taking them off for good I will honor my decision.


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Topic Posts: 25