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Reconciliation
User Topic: ? Interesting MC session yest...
Hunter23
Member
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

So, we've only been going to MC every 4 weeks for the last couple of times. It was MC who felt we were doing better so we didn't need to go as often.
And for the most part, we've been pretty good. WH is dealing with some additional stress at work that involves him being a "therapist" of sorts to someone who just got caught themselves. ( I may have touched on this before but I won't go into detail in case the BS ends up here on SI.) Anyway, obviously it triggers WH but he's too chicken to tell this person to stop using him to vent and/or for advice. So this was the first thing we talked about in MC - and it was fine.

Then I was asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about. And I mentioned that I was having some issues with WH not texting back sometimes for over an hour and that it was a pretty bad trigger.( I mentioned this in a recent post here.) And MC, bless her heart, more or less tore WH a new one! She told him that he was to respond to me ASAP if that phone was attached to his hip - regardless if it's important or me saying "hi".
She said if he couldn't hear the phone, then he needed to check it any time he had a free moment. She even told him that maybe he should invest in a louder phone!

Her reaction surprised me. I thought she'd just explain much better why it was a trigger and to really make the effort to respond quicker to reassure me and help regain trust. So I told her that I would be fine if he would just let me know if he was going out on the road or would be under a truck for a while and not be able to hear or text.
And she shot me down! She that he wasn't doing enough in the way of actions - and that my offering him suggestions was only helping him, not me. She also pointed out that he hasn't read the books I bought because he mentioned that just the first few pages made him feel "too emotional" . And she flat out told him "You aren't doing any of the work here - BS is."

Now, please understand she didn't say any of this in a mean way (well - she did look down her glasses at WH at one point which was sort of funny). I guess I was unprepared for WH to get called on the carpet in a way.
Needless to say, we're going back in 3 weeks, and may have to go back to every 2 if things haven't improved.

Honestly, I feel like we have been better - no - I know we have. But I think what I got out of this is that I need to be tougher on WH and he needs to be tougher on himself.

The ride home was pretty quiet. Until I broke the silence and said "Damn, WH - she chewed your ass up and spit it out! How'd that work out for you?"

At least we both saw the humor in it. Guess someone's gonna be doin' a lot of texting and reading...


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

WOW! Love, Love, Love your MC! Sounds like you have a great one that is well versed in what it takes to R after an A.

Keep up the good work - and make him do some of the heavy lifting. He needs to *get emotional* in order work through this shit storm. Does he think the reading isn't emotional for you?


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6460 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Stephanie917
Member
Member # 37730
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Sounds like a great session. I love your line on the way home!


D-Day: 12-3-2012
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 30 years



Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2012
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Awesome!! I *love* the looking down her glasses at him' part.... sounds like he needed that! Can we all have her number...??

Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013
Hunter23
Member
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Yeah, I think we really lucked out with MC. I got her name from my boss - he felt she'd be a good fit for us (my husband is his patient). If you're anywhere in the Philly suburbs and looking for one, PM me.


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I think what I got out of this is that I need to be tougher on WH and he needs to be tougher on himself.

I agree that your H needs to be tougher on himself, but for you, I would turn it around and say that you need to be a better advocate for yourself, not necessarily tough on your H, but look out for your needs, as your MC said,

my offering him suggestions was only helping him, not me.

perhaps explore on your end why you are helping him to your detriment?

It is fantastic your MC picked up on this and brought it to light!!!

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Hunter23
Member
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I agree that your H needs to be tougher on himself, but for you, I would turn it around and say that you need to be a better advocate for yourself, not necessarily tough on your H, but look out for your needs, as your MC said

Agreed. I'm hoping we'll have some alone time this weekend to have a chat about how important it is for me to see him do some of the heavy-lifting, so to speak.

Thanks again to all the helpful people here. I honestly hope someday down the road I can offer advice or comfort to the people here as has been done for me. (well, I'd prefer SI didn't have to exist at all... but you know what I mean...)


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 10th (Friday)

You know, it actually ends up better for him to learn how to give in a relationship. My FWH is pretty good at this now, and I think he likes the way it feels.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8816 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 8