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User Topic: He masturbated
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, May 10th (Friday)

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

He last masturbated 17 months ago. Yesterday I came home from work on his day off and discovered he had M.

He was in town when I discovered it by finding the lube out. I packed an overnight bag, confronted him and left when he arrived home. I told him I was going to my Mom's house and wouldn't be back for two days.

It hurts me when he does that as it is a rejection of me when he does that himself instead of being with me. Also he has done it with porn in the past and will likely do more things if he gets used to doing that again. The slippery slope.

Any ideas or suggestions?

Thanks.

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Is it a deal-breaker for you while in R? It is for me due to my WH's escalation from porn// masturbation then leading to strip clubs/ oral sex with strippers & prostitutes:-(!t is a deal-breaker for me now. If we can't make love together, for whatever reason, and he wants to masturbate, I am involved and the one he is visualizing, not porn. He can hold me, touch me etc..., sorry if TMI. I trigger badly if he takes a long-ish shower:( All the best Jamie. Feel free to PM me if you need a friendl


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Thank you very much Jamie. BTW that was not too much information. It helped me to hear what you think and do.

Masturbating once is not a deal breaker for me. But it will be if he continues. He needs to know I take it seriously and am opposed to it. I have made that clear and will follow up if he disregards that.

I have truly had enough. I do not plan to go back where we were. I can handle a very rare "slip" but I will not accept a relapse.

You are exactly right. Having sex with porn and refusing to have sex with me when I am eager to do so is rejection and betrayal. He didn't have porn available this time except I know he has plenty stored in his mind.

We have both worked too hard on R to give up now. I would be extremely disappointed if our marriage didn't work after all he did to betray me and all the hard work we have put into R.

However, he is not a truly beloved husband who has always been faithful, kind, honest and true. He has given me years of trouble, deep anguish and pain.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I get that you feel this is a slippery slope, however this is a normal human urge, it's almost like telling an obese person they can never eat again, yes there is an addiction component however I think there needs to be an "allowable" time, or component. By making it an absolute no no I think you are just opening yourself for disappointment.

Jamie's method of dealing with this issue is actually a very good one. I like that.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
wannarun
Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Sorry, I have to agree with tushnurse on this. That's a pretty hard agreement for a man to live up to!! Women have to be loved and caressed into sex.......men just get an urge and a boner and have to do something with it or they'd be walking around knocking stuff off of tables!! Lol!! I'm not trying to make light of your feelings but it could possibly be just biological masterbating and not betrayal masterbating!


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I've already said abstaining from porn is totally fair enough and I'd never have a problem if it made the wife uncomfortable BUT I'm so sorry because I know you're hurting but- I personally don't think asking someone to stop masturbating is- dare I say- reasonable?!

Maybe TMI- I'm a grown man and I can control myself but sometimes I have to- what if it's early in the morning, no time for sex or the Mrs doesn't fancy it and I need to go to work- it's going to be quicker to have a go than it would be for it to..er..subside and I personally don't necessarily think of anything other than what I'm doing at the time.

Times like this I'm so pleased this is anonymous- I sound like a right wanker haha


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I too agree with tushnurse. That's asking ALOT.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Grimwyrm
New Member
Member # 39014
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Going to chime in here b/c I'm a guy. While I'm a BH...I can also say: this is asking a lot. As someone currently sexually frustrated (we're not at a point yet where we are being physically intimate)...I've made the personal choice to not do this, but it has been extremely hard for me and I've had to do a considerable amount of praying to help prevent me from it.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Me, too, hurt2. If H asked that of me, I'd flip out. and I'm a lady. lol.

Sorry, I know how much it hurts. While H having A's,he would reject me and I would cry myself to sleep bc he would watch porn and had OW. I just didn't know about the OW while it was happening. I'm sorry. I think he just needed a release. But, at least you stood your ground and I'm sure he's sorry now...Good luck!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:48 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I could agree with tushnurse, too, so long as he has been evaluated by a CSAT and determined NOT to be SA. If he is SA, allowing some M is like allowing an alcoholic 1 drink.....then believing that is all it will be. And it is a lot easier to find empty beer bottles to know when an alcoholic is using, with an SA it is very difficult to know.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Unless you are totally against it, why not ask him to do it with you in the room? You could let him perform for you while you give encouraging words. Or, you could help!

I've banned internet porn because my H was chatting to the women. But, I didn't ban masturbation, as I too think it's natural for all of us. What I did instead was give him pictures of me/us and a few short videos of us to use if he needs them. Hell, I use them sometimes too.

Maybe think about modifying your agreement so that he can occassionally masturbate but only using tools that will keep him away from that slippery slope.

((hugs))


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
lostmylight55
Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Hurt2Deeply,

First let me say I'm very sorry you are hurting at this time.

As someone who has experience with this and has been evaluated by a CSAT the thing that concerns me, if your husband is a SA, is if he hid the fact that he masturbated when you made it part of your R agreement not to.

Personally, I don't feel it's an unreasonable request. IMO it's a controllable action. It's usually discussed and a requirement as a component of SA recovery. You should not feel that you are asking for too much if that's what you need to avoid sexual anorexia or feel safe in your marriage. Especially if your WH sexual anorexia was caused by chronic masturbation or use of porn as his way of acting out.

The fact that you discovered this on your own shows that he is already on a slippery slope if he's a SA. He's not communicating with you. He's not showing self control. If this isn't the first time then he is hiding his actions. Feeling shame and hiding an action is the core of SA.

SA's aren't able to achieve true intimacy and masturbation doesn't promote intimacy within a relationship. Sometimes even if the spouse is there. Communication is the foundation for opening up to true intimacy.

The most important thing is that your WH has to recognize an addiction, if there is one. He needs to get help for it and know that the work is never done. Just because someone goes through an intensive program or attends a 12-step group they are not magically cured at the end. It's something that needs to be worked on for the rest of your life.

You can't control his behavior or force him to change if he's not willing. He has to want to work on this on his own for himself. You need to set boundaries and stick with them and it appears you did that by leaving.

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

As a side note, I'm not trying to just emphasis SA but this is also about trust and breaking an agreement for R. How is this any different than breaking NC?


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Unless you are totally against it, why not ask him to do it with you in the room? You could let him perform for you while you give encouraging words. Or, you could help!

This is exactly what we do, both ways. No sexual gratification without the other involved in some way. If I am away on work trips the phone or video chat works.

Seriously though I think has really brought us much closer together sexually.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Thanks for all your input. It is nice to be anonymous!

I am not opposed to masturbation in some circumstances. But with my husband's history it bothers me. He is getting older and is not as interested in sex as he was when he was younger. So when he does that he also ignores me sexually for several days afterwards. With rejecting me sexually and my years without sex because his choices it bothers me.

Our children are grown and gone from home. We have a lot of time together now. I am very available to him.

He has less sexual interest now than I do. What do you think about my sexual desires? Do i matter? Should we both just do it by ourselves and not be concerned about each others needs?

Should I think oh he needed to do it let him do it doesn't matter that I wanted to do it with him. Because it would get that way eventually if he does it alone. That is not my idea of a good marriage.

I prefer him. He is happy with me sexually. I will talk to him about it tonight and ask if I am unreasonable.

I know he is happy he quit his inappropriate behavior as he believed it was wrong and he was not a nice man during those years and he was not happy with himself either.

Thank you for your help. You are awesome!


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 10th (Friday)

My husband is a sa, and its their recommendation in 12 step sa groups to abstain from masturbation because it can trigger compulsive thoughts. It is a slippery slope.

For us, any sexual gratification is done together.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Greatlakes
New Member
Member # 39213
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I have to agree with some of the other responses here, for some guys (including myself....embarrassing to say) the urge just gets in your mind and is hard to get rid of. For me (when I (bs) and wife (ws) were happier together) it was the stupid Victorias Secret catalogs that they send so many of...but it was always seeing something beautiful and then picturing my wife in that setting/clothing whatever. So even though the pictures triggered it, the masturbation was always focused on my wife. I think that is the important thing.


Me - 38 Betrayed H
Wife - 32 WS
Married 13 yrs w/ 4 yr old daughter.
Confused...

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 10th (Friday)

My husband told me he thought he was a Sex addict when we started counseling. I do not know that the therapist called him one.

I took him seriously when he told me that. I still do.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I think, even as BS's, we have to manage our expectations. Unless your H has a serious sexual deviance (child pornography or sexual assault), I think it would be really challenging to take masturbation off the table. This wouldnt even be negotiable for my XWH. Even the suggestion of mutual masturbation, while I'm sure just about any man would readily agree to it, doesn't eliminate the need for them to fly solo when necessary.

Not to minimize your feelings about it, because we all have our pain associated with betrayal. So I totally understand the idea in theory, but in practice, I think you'll be packing your bags a lot. Are you two in MC? Are you in IC? A good therapist, someone who specializes in infidelity, might have suggestions to help you deal with the triggers and find solutions that are comfortable for both of you and keep R on track.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 10th (Friday)

My WS is a SA so unless he is going to do it with me then it is an absolute no in my house.
If he wasn't a SA and it didn't affect him wanting sex with me I probably wouldn't mind, but that isn't the case in my M so it really is up to the individual and if it bothers you, he should stop doing it without you being involved.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Hrtbrken1
Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 10th (Friday)

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

I think I'm going to be in the minority on this, but I think it is very reasonable to ask him to not masturbate, especially if you're not there. It's a VERY slippery slope. And he didn't tell you. This is something that was agreed upon, and instead of talking to you he took the easy way out. My husband and I also have a "no jerking-off alone" agreement. That's just the price he has to pay for cheating. Porn was the first step down his path, until the masturbation became easier then connecting with his wife.

I gotta call bullshit with that "it's a natural urge" and "it's too much to ask"? Are we beasts? Can we not vocalize our needs? If he was doing it to porn would people still be ok with this?

I have to admit, I'm pretty disturbed that he did this. I would see it as a breach of NC. Why? Because they had an agreement, and porn/masturbation in itself becomes just another type of AP when the spouse isn't involved.

And to say he has to do it, because he's a man, is just downright silly.

((H2D))


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 10th (Friday)

^^^THIS!^^^


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7689 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Hrtbrken1
Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 10th (Friday)

For the record, my husband hasn't masturbated (on his own ) for just shy of two years. If he feels frisky, we talk about it. He knows what he has to loose if he decides to go solo.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
lostmylight55
Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Hurt2Deeply is expressing her limits when it comes to her marriage and has every right to feel the way she feels towards her situation. If he is self gratifying in place of intimacy in the relationship, it's the equivalent to having an affair with his hand.

The issues lie with the WH in this case, not Hurt2Deeply. I might be reading incorrectly but I get the impression a lot of posters are putting this baggage on her and it's her responsibility to get good with it.

It's surprising to me how many BS's on this thread are ignoring the actions of a WS who repeatedly rejected his wife sexually in the past and seem to me to be minimizing her feelings about it.

Unless your H has a serious sexual deviance (child pornography or sexual assault), I think it would be really challenging to take masturbation off the table.

Speaking as a WS who was diagnosed as a SA, I find statements like this very offensive. As myself and a few BS of SA stated, abstaining from masturbation is a common practice in recovery. There is no reason to link it with "serious sexual deviance". These attitudes are not helpful for a recovering addict or their spouse.

There have also been a few women on this thread speaking for men and the male perspective in general. I haven't masturbated for going onto 2 years now and my sex life has never been better, more intimate, passionate and fulfilling.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2011
smittennomore
Member
Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I really liked the idea of him doing it in front of you if he feels the need.

This is a deal breaker for us. This whole disaster spiraled from WH watching porn and masturbating. The porn use started very slowly and escalated while I was pregnant with our first child. It became so obsessive, that his brain essentially was "rewired" into quick hits of dopamine where sex was nothing more than self gratification.

Enter porn style, over-sexualized OW, and two years later I discovered I had the answer to why WH could no longer even get an erection with me (if I could ever even get him to TRY and have sex with me). He had himself so twisted, that he no longer even associated intimacy or love with sex. He actually mentally deleted our entire sexual history... I have to remind him very specifically about hot sex we used to have - he literally has no memory of it.

It has been a very painful road to recovery and it is far from over. With the work of our MC and his CSAT, masturbation is off the table for him. It is too much of a slippery slope. The only sexual gratification he currently indulges in is healthy, intimate sex with me.

Hot topic for me, as I never understood anyone's issue with masturbation or porn before this mess. It's great for those of us that have a healthy outlook on sex overall, but now I totally see the other side as well. I hope that you are able to work through this!


Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
IRN2006
Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 10th (Friday)

My husband told me he thought he was a Sex addict when we started counseling. I do not know that the therapist called him one.
I took him seriously when he told me that. I still do.

Is your husband reading Patrick Carnes? Going to a 12 step group? Finding help online or with a therapist? Abstaining from getting high doesn't mean anything. Alcoholics have the term dry drunk, where you aren't drinking, but still talk, think, and act like an alcoholic.

My H is a recovering SA, acting out with porn and compulsive masturbation.

My husband was 32 when masturbation was taken off the table. Assuming he lives into his 80's, that's a good 50 years of not spanking the monkey.

So far, DH has gone 5 years without it. He's still breathing. His testicles have not spontaneously exploded.

If my husband wants to remain married to me, there is no masturbation. I have no intentions of living with an active addict. I've BTDT and have the t-shirt. I don't have another recovery in me.

Consequences can be a bitch sometimes.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Apr 2009
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I thank you for your help here. The support has been what I needed. I appreciate hearing from people that get it.

Things have been going well in our marriage. My H did more things to R than I have mentioned here. I know faithfulness to our marriage is the life he wants to lead.

I believe if he lets himself get started on his former destructive behaviors he could get to a very bad place again. As I said I will not be his wife if he goes back. I would much rather hold him to a higher standard than him go back to his depraved lifestyle and we lose our marriage. We are actually very compatible when he is not acting out.

I especially thank those of you who understand my feelings and position on this. I think it depends on the circumstances. Sexual/intimacy anorexia is very painful.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I have to way in on the no masturbation in your situation. I was in the same situation with my H. He would self gratify himself but not be intimate with me.

I only feel masturbation is acceptable when a spouses sex drive is very high compared to the other or during a time a long dry spell due to physical issues(ex. illness, apart, injury).


You need to be firm with your spouse and stick to your boundaries.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

This porn issue ... is a problem with me as well. Every day in the morning, he gets up early to visit his porn videos. At first I used to get upset, turn it off, maybe a small argument. After a while, I stopped arguing about it, just turned it off. He says it's nothing, it means nothing. I say he is obsess with it.

Now that he confessed of having 3 sexual encounters, when he gets back in 4 weeks, that will be a deal breaker for me. No more porn. Period.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

I was on my phone yesterday when I responded, so I wanted to go a bit deeper.

My husband was a compulsive masturbator. Yep, there is such a thing. He would do it 4-5 times a day, in addition to sex (regardless if it was with me or one of his AP's). He would do it to porn. He would do it in his car to and from work. He would do it AT work. He would do it in the driveway at home late late at night (think midnight) before coming to bed with me. He would do it anytime, anywhere essentially. He'd surf his porn on the computer, on his phone, on our kids computer.

When DDay#2 happened, all of that came out. He was I denial about his SA (we'd seen a psychologist 6 months prior) for quite some time until that day when all of his affairs, and the above came out.

He went to an intensive SA therapy workshop for 3 days, and SA 12-step meetings 3 times a week until he was employed again, and now it's once a week.

Again, in the SA world, masturbation is highly discouraged as it contributes to the compulsive thoughts and compulsive behavior. It takes away intimacy from your spouse, and it desensitizes them to real intimacy. In fact, often it's encouraged to go 3 months without sexual intimacy at all (solo or together) in the beginning to rewire the brain so to speak.

My FWH WANTED the no masturbation boundary for himself. I encouraged and supported him with that. In show of my support, I chose (my choice) to not fly solo either. We reserve that for each other now. Now, what we do together...no limits on that. Well, we do have one "rule" no sex where we can't look each other in the eye. We need it to be emotionally intimate as well. And not being able to look at each other can contribute to that "fantasizing" that he used to do. So, no doggy, etc. for us. Again, that was something he decided. I support it fully. We still have many many positions available for us though and make good use of them. Our sex life is much more fulfilling than it ever has been. WITHOUT all of the addiction stuff between us.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Sorry, wanted get back to this thread but, ya know, real life needs to be dealt with. I already expressed that the agreement that WH & I have agreed to is masturbation by either one of us, includes each other. I love the ideas about pictures/ videos to be shared if we are apart because WH does travel for work but they are usually short 1-3 day trips. He will go out of town soon & I will send him some pics/videos as a nice surprise and we have never tried phone or Skype sex, so I am all for trying something new! I will also freely admit that there have been some early mornings when WH woke with that morning stiffy, that while I was in the bed while he took care of his needs, I prolly wasn't very active, if ya know what I mean! Still, I knew it was my breasts and lady bits that he was looking at while he did the deed! Best of luck to all of us while we negotiate the masturbation equation:) Welcome PM's from anyone that needs a friend. All the best Jamie

[This message edited by JamieMc at 2:34 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Lots to read and contemplate on this thread. Thanks to all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3994 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, May 13th (Monday)

We talked about this Saturday. He said he was sorry and that he felt badly he let himself down too because this is one of his own commitments in R.

As I said he has avoidant behavior so he has not initiated sex with me since. When I mentioned it to him tonight he said I was upset with him so he didn't think I would want too.

I believe he needs to bring up a discussion of it with me rather than avoid me. He can not stand conflict so he will ignore me to avoid it.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, May 13th (Monday)

Sorry more of my long-winded take on this issue. @ Hurt2deeply, sounds like our WH's are quite a bit alike. Mine will do almost anything to avoid conflict & that has caused many problems during our M that had nothing to do with sex. Finances, children, splitting up chores, you name it, we have had problems because he won't discuss concerns and then is resentful after the fact. I also struggle with the masturbation issue in that we are both at least 50 years old and if he masturbates, he was "good" for a couple of days, meaning if I wanted to make love he wasn't willing or able. We try to be intimate 2-3 times per week, if we are on vacation/ free from stress, we can usually make love every other day. So, if he were to masturbate twice a week, you can see where that becomes a problem. We have reached the age where we both agree that quality over quantity matters most and we have a firm agreement to be intimate twice per week, unless illness or travel interfere, and at least half the time we have sex 3 times per week. I think at our age, he is in no way deprived. When he was acting out sexually with porn and strippers, we would go weeks without because he was "too" tired, stressed etc... In reality he was masturbating every other day and had little to no interest and/or ability to achieve gratification with me. Sorry so long but this has been a major problem we have had to work through. All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, May 13th (Monday)

Communication! I think the no masturbation alone boundary is doable. And I think it might be worth the time and energy to explore whether he is a sex addict, in order to understand how important the no-masturbation boundary is. But it is okay for it to be a deal breaker for you regardless. But it would be better for there to be discussion, communication. He should be comfortable coming to you to tell you when he wants to masturbate, and involving you in it, if that is okay with you. A skilled marital counselor could really help at this juncture. This is hard stuff to talk through, especially depending on how you were raised and socialized.

Thinking of you. Stick to your needs and desires. Don't settle.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 34