I'm a WS, with a DD of Aug 2012. This is my first post as i only recently became aware of this site. I am sad to say it is too late to save my M as it appears I have ended it due to my lack of emotional control in dealing with the anger that my BS is working though.
Had I found this site months ago i believe I could have been more effective and supportive for her.
I just didn't have knowledge, insight and tools to know how best to help. Karma I guess.
I am not posting this for sympathy or pity, but rather out of lack of any other place in my life where i believe I can be understood or where I can even get this out in the open. As my BS, understandably, is not available for supporting me.
I am committed to R, however I don't know how to deal with the emotions of failure, responsibility, remorse and self doubt that I harbor and seem to have no end.
The A has become how I am defined both by myself and from my perspective, by her.
I have felt subhuman for so long, its difficult to remember what I am really like.
I don't know how i can both be supportive, healing and completely available to heal her, and at the same time be able to tend to my own problems that feel like they are crushing me. Serving her healing vrs. healing myself.
I know her healing is more important.
I have read most all of the healing library yesterday. of course I really identified with most of the topics that are WS related. I do very much understand my role in healing my BS, and how I am solely responsible for putting her into this situation. I want to have her heal above all else. I know there is no timeline for this.
sorry for the rambling, all-over-the-map post, its been a roller coaster ride, and its beating me.
[edited: corrected abbreviations]