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Just Found Out
User Topic: Telling the other woman's husband
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I am an open book. As open as I am, my husband is closed. Sometimes I hate myself for being so open. Often I question why I am with someone who believes that hiding the truth isn't lying. I like to think that if I had known this years ago instead of making excuses I wouldn't have wasted so many of my emotions in frustration and hurt. But, I doubt I would have done anything about it because we were married, had kids, and all that went with marriage.

We were talking about WS's new NC letter. This was his fourth attempt. He rewrote with MC and my help. I don't believe he meant it but at least its written. the words aren't his, they were given to him but at least she will read them.

Anyway, I told him I had a letter for her too. He immediately jumped to "it can't be to her husband." My letter had been to her only but it bugged me that he was so protective of her privacy and secret. We spent 45 minutes arguing about it. He believes that she should tell him and I have no right to interfere in their marriage. I told him that he interfered in their marriage and she interfered in our marriage so he put me in the place to tell the BH. They were the ones who decided to have the affair and I know what it feels like to be betrayed. I am glad I know. It explains a lot of his behavior knowing why he was checked out completely for over a year. I also told him that if she wanted to work on their marriage, as he claims she does, then she has probably already told him so it won't be a surprise anyway.

I shouldn't have said anything to him and just let the BH know. I have tried to call their home. The machine picks up the calls and once she answered. I just hung up (of course now she can see that its a call from this area with a little research) I could write a letter but there is no guarantee that she wouldn't intercept it. He has no facebook though she does. (Thats how she reconnected with my husband.) He lives in another state. My husbands reaction makes me want to tell him even more. He didn't try to protect me or our relationship yet he is trying to hide this affair from the guy she cheated on. Maybe he is trying to protect himself. I don't know.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Priceless..!!! He tells you that YOU have 'no right to interfere in their marriage'..???! Uhh, Dude-- HELLO, you already did that. This is some serious insane Cheater's Logic. (which has no logic at all).

In fact-- I think the WS should be the one to tell the other BS. How come this never happens..? With you right there (and speaker phone on- or you proofread a letter) making sure they tell the truth...? Why do they always get out of doing this? THEY create the mess, and leave it all for someone else to clean up...


Posts: 204 | Registered: May 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 10th (Friday)

I would love to see my husband tell her husband that he was cheating with his wife.

My husband thinks of himself as a really nice guy. I think cheating is pretty rotten and don't see anything nice about it.

My husband is very passive most of the time. Boy, HE IS NOT PASSIVE ABOUT THIS. I am afraid he might even stop trying altogether if he finds out I contacted the betrayed husband.

My husband hates conflict. I would love to see him suffer the consequences of having to deal with the conflict he created when he got in the middle of someone else's marriage and stole her emotional connection toward the BH. I don't want to ever go through this again and if my husband doesn't feel the effects of his behavior, he probably won't learn anything.

He already gets angry when I bring up the affair and he can shut me down, but a perfect stranger wouldn't care what my husband felt, WS would have to stand there and feel the effects of his behavior on another person. (I don't think that WH cares about the affects on me, I am not really a person to WH.)

I just wish I could get a hold of OWs husband and tell him. Every time I call, its so scary and stressful. Having to hear her voice and hang up on her was just too much. I want to do the right thing and get out of there. Please Betrayed husband pick up the phone!

Is there anyone who would say they wish they never found out about the affair and just was happy that their spouse started loving them again?

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 9:42 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Is there anyone who would say they wish they never found out about the affair and just was happy that their spouse started loving them again?

Absolutely not. What I wish is that he never had an affair but he did and that can't be changed. I am glad I found out because I do not believe that me WH would have changed for the better.

Why don't you try to find out where the BH works and contact him there? This is what I did.



ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 10th (Friday)

SO glad you posted this!!!! Reading responses. So grateful!
I'm exact same situation. When I said I he had to give me OW contact info, my H actually said--"why can't you handle this like an adult. I sm not going to let you ruin her marriage " WTh!!!!!! I don't even know my spouse anymore.
He is staying at a family member's
house. I will not speak to him until he gives me her info. He is not
budging.
I wish I had more to offer, but for a week I have been bouncing from angry to falling apart crushed.
Hugs to you. In same boat


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Protecting his A partner is one of the things that has made me the angriest this whole time. And, he probably isn't even protecting her but protecting his own sorry ass anyway. He lies and it would surprise me if he cared enough to protect her while he dragged his wife and children through hell. I don't think he has ever cared that much about anyone but himself.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Next time...do not hang up. Simply say...Who you are and what you are calling for (expect anger). Calmly tell her what your intentions are (to verify that her husband is aware of the affair). Let her know you will continue to call until you are sure he is aware. I can only imagine the response. If she tells you that she has told him, respond that it is your intention to verify he knows, because since she is a cheater, you cannot take her word for it. I would also let her know that if you do not talk to him within the next 30 days, you will hire a PI, who will provide you with other contacts (work, auto info etc).

This is one of the few instances in this ugly mess that you are in control of. If you are making them (WH and his hooker friend) uneasy...TFB. Look what they did to you and your happiness.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

OW in my situation was single, so I did not have a BH to contact. But you can be sure I would have if there had been one.

Why don't you try to find out where the BH works and contact him there?

Have you tried this? Do you know his name, town, what he does for a living? You could type his name into google + the town & you may find out info about him ( organizations he belongs to, etc.) or linked in. If you can't get into linked in, someone here can help you do it.
It's amazing how we BSs become such good detectives.
Good luck.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Or try this. Call your phone company and ask them to make your number unlisted. And figure out how to work the caller ID block options.

Then call with your caller ID block on and pose as someone from his office, if possible. Or a salesperson trying to sell insurance or something.

Then when he is on the phone let it rip as fast as you can.

Better yet, why do a letter or a phone call. If you know the phone number, pull the address and go straight to the front door.

That'd be fun. Make sure you bring a video camera just in case she tries something. Oh, and bring your EFFN dickhead husband along, if he can muster enough testosterone to join you. Otherwise, bring a trusted friend for safety purposes.

Have fun. Could be the most exhilerating time in your life!


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

He is retired. They live faraway in another state.( It was an emotional affair with two meet ups that I know of.) He isn't on Linked in or Facebook. He is an introvert so I can't seem to find any way of contacting him other than this address and phone which were easy to find on an internet white pages search.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Sounds like a road trip to me, but then that's what I would feel like doing.

You could always hire a courier agency in the area to deliver the letter so that they can make sure that only he gets it.

[This message edited by la433 at 10:58 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

I wish I had contacted the OBS right away. It helps to have them in on the A. This way the "lovers" have pressure from both sides to behave. (I would be concerned about the A going underground at this point if you telling is a deal breaker for him) My fWH didn't want me to contact the other boyfriend. He wanted to protect "his girlfriend" and he really took sole responsibility for the A. Don't allow him to manipulate you. As long as he still plays the KISA to her, it will never be over for anyone. As long as he takes sole responsibility for the A, he will never see the AP in a negative light. IMO

It took me 6 months to get out of the fog and contact the other BS. I am glad I did and wished I did it sooner. YOU don't owe any of them anything.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

The post office can send a letter "restricted delivery"--then only the husband can pick it up.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8824 | Registered: Jan 2008
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Send a registered letter that he has to sign to receive. Do not let your WH or OW know what you're doing. They will start laying the groundwork to make you look like a jealous, suspicious harpie.

" omg OBS - you won't believe this! I added an old friend from highschool on FB - no big deal right? Well this poor guy - his wife saw that he accepted my friend request and went ballistic! I guess she does this everytime - she's just so insecure!. She's even called up the families of these poor women - causing trouble and accusing them of having affairs! What a poor fool to put up with such jealous craziness. I mean - he can't have female friends? Aren't you glad I'm not like that baby? I let you have female friends - I would never do that! Wow! I wonder if crazy woman will call here? Geez - I mean all I did was see him on my classmates friend list and click add. I regret ever seeing him on FB! I feel sorry for the guy..."

and because they are soooo good at deception and manipulation, when you do get through to him, you have no credibility.

So stop discussing it - tell H you think he's right - best to focus on your m and leave OWBS out of it. Then wait a couple of weeks and send the guy a registered letter or hire a PI in their city to track him down and deliver the letter to him personally.( if you have the finances for that) does OW work? Only call during her work hours. Stop hanging up if you do get her and instead ask if she's interested in air duct cleaning as their is a promotion in their area.

But find a way to tell - he has the right to protect himself and the extra pressure will make the A difficult to continue...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I would have a friend pose as a credit card/ phone/ utility company representative and try to get OBS on the phone. Then I'd take over the call and let it out. " your wife is having an A with my H and I have irrefutable proof. This is going on since x months, let me know if you want any more details as I feel it is my duty to warn you about possible STDs etc."
Something on those lines.

Best of luck. Whatever you do, do not let them know you are going to call.

The very fact that you are not able to contact OBS via phone may be that ow has gone into hyper vigilant mode and is making sure OBS does not reach the phone. Expect Alice in wonderland stories already concocted by OW to OBS.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

The registered letter or courier idea-- perfect!!

Posts: 204 | Registered: May 2013
lost100
New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I maybe going against the grain but personally I would not tell. The devastation that would be inflicted on the other innocent party would be so great and my conscience would play on my mind. Motivation to inflict pain is not my thing however I do see the points made by the others and they maybe right.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

The devastation that would be inflicted on the other innocent party would be so great and my conscience would play on my mind. Motivation to inflict pain is not my thing

The devastation was inflicted by OW , not you LearningToFly.

Also wanted to point out that if you send a registered letter, oftentimes the mailman will let a family member sign for it, so OW could still intercept it. Altho, if she works, the mail is usually delivered during working hours,& if it arrives on a weekday, maybe she wouldn't be home.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 4:43 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I wish I could just call him and get it over with. Until I do, I feel like I can't move on, that I have a moral obligation to another person out there that I don't even know. My husband is so adament that I not tell and since I usually don't go against his strong feelings, this is so hard for me. I have been so angry at him all day for putting me in this spot. I've vented and said too much. I hate my mouth.

I don't know who he is anymore. I use to think he was a sweet guy who just wanted to be liked. I have known that I was low on his priority list throughout our 28 years together. But, I would not have thought he would betray me the way he did especially during this terrible time in our families history. I really needed his love and support and instead he left me to deal with tragedy and pain by myself while he played with someone else. He says the affair is over and it might be, but the damage it caused to our already struggling marriage is huge. He just wants to draw a line right now and go from here. He has done this many times before. How many lines will he draw?

I might feel differently after this huge oblication to the Cheating womans husband has been met. Knowing what he did hurts a lot. But, it just explains why I felt so alone while he was doing it. He was hurting me then. Not knowing why would not have helped me to heal. He does't get that.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Lost - I wish someone had told me. It hurts that so many people knew - and no one thought to make an anonymous call. I knew something was wrong - do you wish you never found out? Do you think without consequences, OW will start being a good wife? And yes - she's the cause of the pain.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

I tried to call again. My number has now been blocked. Its obvious that the call coming in is from me because she knows no one else in this area. They live a thousand miles away.

I lost it with my husband. I went crazy. I am so angry that he thinks that it is okay to keep a lie. He wants to move on and said that they have to move on. Its not our business. I told him he dragged me into this without my permission. I feel that I have to let the guy know. Its driving me crazy. I told him that HE should be the one to call and say that he was having an affair with the guys wife. That he should apologize for stealing the guys wife's affection. That is what would speak to me and show me that he was really wanting to be an honest man. Of course, I lost it and look crazy.

I wish the guy would have answered the phone the first three times I tried to call. I will look into sending stuff up there but she knows now and will be looking for it. They are both retired so she has the time to be vigilant. Unlike me who will now need to work for the rest of my life because I stayed home to raise children trusting that my husband and I had a future together.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Again, registered letter, courier service. Stop telling WH what you're going to do.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

There are ways to call and have the calling number set to anything you want. PM me if you are interested.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Again, registered letter, courier service. Stop telling WH what you're going to do.

A lot of affairs will go underground at this point....DO NOT put your head into the sand. The APs have had time to do a little "damage control".....

My guess is that they are still in some form of contact.....

good luck...

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5827 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

*67 before you dial, it will show p as a private nuber on their phone


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3629 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

The problem with that ^^ is they may have their phone set so that private calls don't ring until the number is unblocked. That's how I have my phone set because the skank that was running behind my H had nerve enough to call my house to talk to him when I was at work. So I blocked her number. Then when she used another number that was private, I blocked all private calls. Now if someone calls my house from a private number a recording tells them that they need to unblock it in order for their call to be received.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, May 13th (Monday)

A lot of affairs will go underground at this point....

Sounds to me , from personal experience, like that is what is going on.
Your WH does not truly want to R.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 13th (Monday)

LearningToFly, have you seen all the suggestions several people have made about certified mail and RESTRICTED delivery?

Stop with the phone attempts since it's a dead end at this point. Get together a PACKAGE for her husband containing copies of cell phone records of their calls between each other, copies of their texts, emails, chats, pictures, whatever evidence you HAVE write him a letter detailing everything you would have said on the phone to him. Be sure to include YOUR cell phone number so he can call with any questions.

Then be sure to pay for RESTRICTED delivery ONLY to him through the post office.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1800 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 13th (Monday)

I'd want to be contacted; as for lost100's statement that the "devastation that would be inflicted on the other innocent party would be so great and my conscience would play on my mind. Motivation to inflict pain is not my thing..." By this reasoning, doctors would never inform patients that they have cancer....it's an often devastatingly painful diagnosis to hear, and generally one that the patient has done nothing to cause (ergo, the patient is 'innocent').

I view revealing truths to another BS as allowing them the dignity of INFORMED CONSENT. Right now, they are hoodwinked and in a non-consensual open relationship. By staying silent, you are helping to perpetuate the lies.

I think the notion that telling the other BS is about a "motivation to inflict pain" is missing the point entirely; it minimizes the moral dilemma to a tit-for-tat dust-up. If a BS's conscience weighs heavily on them for revealing the truth to another BS, I'd tend to think there's too much internalizing of blame going on. Telling the other BS can be very difficult, because any BS knows the pain; however, no one ever said doing the RIGHT thing was synonymous with doing the EASY thing.

I am afraid he might even stop trying altogether if he finds out I contacted the betrayed husband.

If he stops trying due to that, then he's just spared you a lot of wasted time trying to R with a WS who isn't really feeling a lasting remorse, IMHO. R is a long, difficult road, and requires a lot of heavy lifting from both the FWS & the BS. If this is the straw that breaks your FW-camel's back, he's done you a favor. Not to be flippant or harsh; however, my feeling post DDay was that being nice and letting things go and compromising right and left didn't do anything to stop all the cheating, so I certainly wasn't going to hold back now.

Talking to your H about it any further sounds like it will only keep the OW apprised of your plans.

Have you checked property tax records? (If you need his actual name ~ ) Make sure, if you send him a letter, that it can absolutely ONLY be signed for by him, return receipt requested, as others have stated. I know stuff comes here often for my H that I sign for no problem...so whatever that type of mailing is, you don't want IT.

Good luck to you!

[This message edited by sad12008 at 9:37 AM, May 13th (Monday)]


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 13th (Monday)

OW is probably watching for something to come in the mail. If he isn't home when the mail arrives, she will tell the carrier to send it back or if the mail carrier leaves a notice for him, the WW will throw it away. Best option is to find out where he works and send it there.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
PurpleBirch
Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 13th (Monday)

If it's important to you, I would do it. Tell the other BS what he needs to know (yes, he really needs to know).

I agree with everyone. stop telling your WS what your plans are.

I think they're both retired? Sending something to his workplace wouldn't work in this case.

I'd maybe PM circlingthedrain for that phone info. I agree that OW will probably return to sender or "lose" the postal slip.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Like I said before:

ROADTRIP!


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I didn't read all the replies, but if you want to PM me I will call him and get him a message...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Oh thank you! Something about finding out where the AP's H works keyed off a memory and it only took less than a minute to FINALLY find an email address. I'd previously messaged his Facebook account but suspect it was a fake she set up to catch any messages anyway. I never got a response.

I'm already feeling stressed out about sending another email, so you have my empathy, LearningToFly.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Find a way to do it.

I called the OM's live-in girlfriend at work. She thanked me. I said that I didn't do it for any noble reason. I did it out of anger.

It made me feel better and now OM has to face reality in his own home, too.

All of us BS need to stand up for ourselves. Every action we take that helps us say, "it's not OK to hurt me," helps. At least that's all I feel.

There's a school of thought that says by exposing the affair you're going to inflict unnecessary pain on the innocent OW's husband.

That's for the OW to own, not you.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Send the letter restricted.

Can you see her facebook friends? Check for ones with the same last name as the BH. See if you can ascertain the relationship. Contact a sibling telling them you are trying to get ahold of BH and can he help you....


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

You want the OW's BS to know? Hire a PI. A PI can find him in a nano-second and give him all information you wish to share.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Don't know about a road trip. The last BS to take a road trip, we never heard back from -Disappointed 33?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I can relate to a situation where it was not all that easy to inform the other BS.

The Whore's H is a logger, apparently self-employed, so sending him a letter or calling him at work was out of the question.

I had their home landline phone number and I knew her approximate work schedule so I called one morning, hoping she'd be at work but the BH might still be home. A teenaged boy answered and said his dad had gone to work. I was just a nervous wreck after talking to that kid and didn't really want to talk to her kids. Uggh.

Neither Whore nor her H appear to have any presence on the computer or social networking. Quite frankly, I don't think they have a computer. So email was obviously out.

So here is what I finally did:

I recorded copies of the Whore's pathetic voicemails left for my H (on the abandoned secret tracfone). In these messages (2-3 months after the A ended) she was begging my H to see her again, blubbering and bawling about how she missed him and said she just wanted to hear his voice...then on the last one she kept saying she wanted to see him...needed to see him and she luuuuuuuuuuuvvvved him so much (sounding like she was bawling the whole time).

So I put them on audio CDs and wrote up a note to go with them, then I packaged them into a small box. I put a return address on this box to make it seem like it was something lumber related because I figured they would not be suspcicious of the contents and there was a better chance he'd open instead of her though my method certainly had no guarantee. I sent it by UPS to make it seem more officially business related.

Wish I could have been a fly in their house that day, but all I know for reasonably sure is that one way or the other, the BH got the message based on some things the whore said and did after that point.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:42 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5759 | Registered: Apr 2006
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

OK so no road trip and no registered mail and all that other stuff.

What to do?

I got it.

Go to the store and get a somewhat popular age appropriate men's magazine that you think he will like and a Tracfone.

Write your letter(s) and make sure to put the number of the Tracfone in the letter. For the phone call, all he needs to do is call and tell you that he got it and that's it.

Attach the letter to the inside pages using stick glue or something.

Write an for a subscrition saying this is a freebie. Give fake numbers to call and all that. You know those offers that come in the mail in plastic wrap with letters...that's what I'm getting at.

Put the magazine in a clear magazine mailer and insert the advertisement in the mailer too, but on top of the magazine.

Make sure to put a label that says to Mr. SUCH N SUCH "or current resident" with his address on the magazine.

Mail it.

You know he has receieved it when you get a phone call.

Now if OW is so paranoid that she even goes through a free issue of "field & stream" or something of the like, then I have another option.

You could take out a full page ad in the main newspaper in the area where they live. You can really go bold with this one. Put her picture in it. Call her whatever you want, within limits like adultress or something. You know that if he doesn't get it, everyone else will. Then a friend of his hopefully would pass that information along. Oh make sure you put your Tracfone number in that add too.

Of course, you could get bogus calls, but it might work. The beauty is the Tracfone is throw away. After it has served its purpose, you toss it.

Of course DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS!!!!!!

I just think the letters in registered mail are no gos at this point because she has been tipped off.

The newspaper ad is really the cover all to get the message to him.

Besides, it really doesn't sound like he's ready to R because he is still protecting her. I say you give him the ultimatum that he needs to contact him and tell him or leave.

Then when he leaves, call a lawyer.

Good luck.

[This message edited by la433 at 3:16 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Oh, and do the magazine or newspaper thing regardless.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
stillcrying4ever
Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

It has to be a "restricted registered" letter that he can only be the one to sign for. The mail man knows what "Restricted" means. And get the tracking no. You can track it on line.

[This message edited by stillcrying4ever at 4:09 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

My fWH didn't want to me to tell her exBS. He wasn't aware that her husband already knew. I had no intention of listening to him. He tried to make it a condition of our reconciliation, I filed for divorce. There is no way that I would have allowed him to dictate anything else in my life.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3974 | Registered: Aug 2007
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Hi, I am struggling with the same issue. (read "peering into the abyss" thread in the just found out section.)

I hear and agree with the argument to tell the OWs H, but I fear that will set her off and prompt to contact my husband or somehow stir up trouble for my family. The OW is my daughters godmother and a complete sociopath . Telling her husband would mean her financial destruction as she is a high executive making 7 figures while her H is an at home dad. I just want to make sure I tell for the right reasons and not just for revenge. As tempting as it is , revenge for revenges sake is just as much against my morals as having an affair. I think I will tell him if I happen to run into him around town. I'm sure he'll be puzzled as to why his wife's best friend and family hasn't had anything to do with them suddenly. Do I really want to poke the bear while I am trying to R? I honestly don't know. My therapist says not to act impulsively but she didn't say absolutely not. Just trying to stay true to myself and not allowingmyselfmto get poisoned by this betrayal. I'm very conflicted.


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

This is what I have heard done:

Call in your phone book any local PI. Ask him what to do! Also call PI in the other town. Ask what evidence he would require from you to hand to the OBS when they are alone.

This is their main job...taking pictures of infidelity, but ALSO TELLING THE BS!!! They will have some good ideas for you.

In my town, the PI said he would get a DVD together. Then I would hire a PI in the other town to hand deliver to the OBS when he is alone. This happens all the time! This is their job.

In my town here were the 2 PI's I called. One, a lady said 500.00 for 10 hours.
THe other, a guy said 1500 up front that he puts in an escrow acct. When he has all the documentation, he gives me a detailed report of the charges and returns back the rest of the $$$ to me.

Also, you can make a free consult with an atty, tell them you are thinking about a divorce. Tell him you want to do the PI thing and who do they recommend. They know good pi's because they have to go up against them in court all the time!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:37 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2195 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 45