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Just Found Out
User Topic: Found out about my wife's affair. I'm still the one groveling.
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Hello Everyone. My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We have a 3 year-old daughter whom we both love dearly.

A few days ago, I discovered that she was having an affair with a fellow graduate student at school. A little background:

About a month ago, my wife came to me suggesting that we go into couples counseling. This was not a completely surprising suggestion since we had been having some ongoing clashes that we were having some trouble getting past, but if you had asked me at the time, I would have said that our marriage was mostly functional and happy, but beleaguered by a handful of ongoing conflicts and problems: in other words, a normal marriage. However, it came out in the course of the conversation that she was having serious doubts about our marriage and our future together. I won’t give many details about the problems she raised, but let’s just say that it’s a familiar story of a husband cruising through marriage while his wife repeatedly feels that her emotional needs are not being met. Many of the problems she brought up were legitimate (while some were exaggerated or distorted), and when I began to see just how badly I had managed to hurt her by my actions, I was devastated, and of course with all of this language about the marriage not working out, I was terrified. After a few angry and heated conversations, I came to her on my hands and knees promising to change. I knew deep down that our problems could not possibly be all my fault, but I also knew that I wouldn’t get anywhere by finger pointing. I had already begun to push her further away when I lashed out at her during our initial conversations, and I couldn’t risk pushing her away any more. I had to focus on my problems and my faults and focus on giving up my own need for vindication in order to love her. Basic marriage 101 things that I learned too late.

So we had begun to go to counseling, and it became apparent that she was not so much interested in working out our problems in counseling to improve our marriage as she was in negotiating the end of the relationship. So I was desperately trying to be given the chance to change and show that I could change, but in many respects it seemed like she had already given upon me, too emotionally wounded and drained to even give it time to play out. She has been pushing for a separation, which I believe is simply a stepping-stone to divorce for her.

This whole time, I had been laboring under the assumption that, with some exceptions that I hoped would come out in therapy, my wife was primarily the wronged party. I was saddled with horrible feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and was terrified of the possibility that I might not be even given the chance to make things right when I knew in my heart and mind that our problems were not insurmountable.

That is when I learned about the affair. As is often the case, I learned about it through perhaps morally questionable means, snooping around in her e-mail account. It was a breach of trust, but when I confronted her about it, she was less upset about it than I thought she would be. She seemed more upset that she hadn’t managed to be more discreet (in other words, she seem like she was sorry that she got caught). She came clean. She told me what, I think, was everything: how she had met the guy at a party five months ago, hit it off and several months later reconnected. The scumbag took her back to his apartment and kissed her. She liked it, and the continued seeing each other. He knew that she was married, and that she had a kid and was okay with that. Hearing all of this, I somehow managed to remain calm, though every second of the revelation was like having a hot knife twisted in my gut. It was made worse by the fact that I heard little or no remorse in her voice. Her confession was almost starry-eyed. Later, she told me, she discovered that, in a crazy coincidence, a friend of hers in her book club had also begun seeing the same man. Needless to say, both of them were shocked and hurt. My wife’s confrontation with the guy revealed what, according to her, was a “miscommunication about exclusivity.” Apparently the scoundrel figured that since he was already seeing a married woman, the normal rules of exclusivity probably didn’t apply. And astoundingly, my wife seemed to accept that, and they agreed to have an “exclusive” relationship from that point out. My wife’s friend, however, was not so understanding, and had the thought that you are probably all having right now, which was to question how she could keep on seeing someone who had cheated on her! The language was, of course, intensely ironic, and I kept on wondering how it was in all of this that no one brought up that the real problem was the fact that she was cheating on her husband! They all seemed to accept my wife’s infidelity, which mad me suspect that I had been painted in their eyes as a real monster, a terrible husband somehow not deserving of fidelity. It felt like I was living in some terrible alternate universe, where not only had my wife turned against me, but everyone she knew had as well.

Having learned some of this through reading her e-mails, I had been able to steel myself somewhat for this conversation. I knew that the wrong response would be to immediately try to use this information as ammunition against her, in order to turn the entire situation around and make her the villain. Even if I was justified in that, I knew that it wouldn’t help, and she’d probably feel like there was no way to come back from this and quit on the spot. I wanted to shout at her, revile her, curse her for her betrayal. Nearly every part of me wanted to walk out on her right then and there, but a small part of me clung to the possibility that even this could possibly be overcome, and I focused in on it. For my daughter, if no one else, I thought to myself. So instead of cursing her, I told her that I loved her, and that even this did not change my resolve to save our marriage. She did seem surprised at this. She asked how I could love her after she cheated on me. Perhaps if we were in a movie, I would have heard those words and thought that my devotion had warmed her heart, but I don’t believe that was the case. She said that she thought that I was crazy for loving her, and I think she meant it just like that. She reaffirmed to me that she did not love me, and wanted a separation.

I wanted to tell her how she was not only wrong, but stupid for having an affair, because, after all, what kind of person fools around with another man’s wife aside from a dirty rotten scoundrel? But whenever I hinted at my opinion of her lover, she rebuffed me, saying that I had no right to judge his character without knowing him. What a strange situation to be in, but I had to acknowledge, painful though it was, that at the moment, she had a stronger emotional connection to him than she did to me, and that this reaction, though terrible and misguided, was natural. I told her what I was sure she already knew, that I didn’t want her to see him anymore. She told me she couldn’t give any guarantees.

The next morning, my wife called me and told me that she had broken off the affair. She revealed that she had told him that they needed to cut off their romantic relationship so that she could “Focus on getting out of her marriage.” I have no idea what this means, whether she is planning on getting back together with him after we separate, or what. It’s certainly not the reason I wanted to hear for her ending the affair! She seems more determined than ever to get out.

I haven’t forgiven her, and I don’t trust her, and I don’t even respect her anymore. I do love her, but loving her feels more like a torturous exertion of willpower than a warm feeling of affection, and I do it because of the fool’s hope that our love for one another can come back and be rebuilt, that trust can be restored over time, and we can somehow get over this horrible, horrible betrayal. Frankly, I don’t even know how I am holding on to this hope, because I feel like I’m emotionally at the end of my rope. I feel like a walking dead man, a corpse with no blood running through his veins who is somehow still walking, still going on. I am trying desperately to save my family, to save for our daughter a future in a loving household. I fear that I still won’t be given the chance. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

I am still not sure if my wife feels sorry for her affair. It sounded to me like she felt that it was largely justified due to the way I had treated her. And while I do have to accept responsibility for my failings as a husband, I refuse to accept responsibility for her adultery.

The emotional toll has been severe. I have never felt a pain this intense, this terrible, in my life before. Daily functioning takes a huge amount of energy that I don’t have. I want to just curl up in a ball and grieve, but every day I still have to get up and put on a happy face for my daughter and play with her and continue to raise her. I feel trapped and just want to scream. And the worst part is that I know that this is only the beginning. If somehow, my wife is convinced to try to work it out (and she seems impossible to convince), we have a long and torturous road ahead of us. If she refuses to get off of the path to separation and divorce, then it is going to be even worse. It feels like every time I feel like I couldn’t possibly be hurting more than I already am, something comes along that hurts even more.

She has already started looking at apartments for moving out. I have basically until July first before she’s gone. She says that she wants us to agree to a separation with joint custody, which gives me a little bit of leverage since she’ll probably want to avoid making it a legal battle, which means she will need to compromise with me, but apart from that, I am completely powerless. I feel like I have no choice but to try to make this work because the consequences of giving up are too terrible for me to contemplate, especially for our daughter, but at this point pessimism and despair are beginning to sink in. For the past month I have been trying, as much as my wife will let me (which isn’t much) to live out the kind of behavior that I should have been exhibiting for years, but between my wife’s continual emotional coldness to these efforts and the discovery of the affair, I am finding myself with less energy and drive for this every day. I’m not sure what to do. I am fairly certain that if I give up without continuing to try until the bitter end, I will have to live with regrets for the rest of my life, forever wondering whether it could have been better, whether we could have had our “happily ever after,” whether our daughter could have grown up in a complete and loving family. I feel like I know what I have to do, but I don’t know how, and I don’t know if I can, and perhaps most crushingly, I don’t know if it will make a difference.

I argued to her that we had every reason to at least try, and no reason not to. If we gave it a few months and it didn’t change her mind, then we’d just be back where we started, but if things did get better, then we could have years of happiness ahead of us, and we would be able to say that we delivered to our daughter a childhood in a whole and happy family. The benefits of trying outweigh the drawbacks spectacularly. She says that the downside is having to live with me for any further amount of time, which is apparently torture enough that she’s not willing to do it. I understand this to a certain extent because I understand probably even better than she does at this point what it’s like to be emotionally strung out and at the end of your rope with someone who has hurt you, but I still argued that this was a small price to pay for the good that could come.

Ultimately this did not move her, but she said that she would consider a month-long trial period leading up to her moving out, and that she’d take the weekend to think about it. I’m not hopeful that she’ll decide to do it, and if she does, my fear is that she’ll simply check it off of her list and leave me anyway, having the salve of being able to say she tried, when in reality both of us know that a month isn’t nearly enough. And what’s more, I fear that after putting myself on the line for another month, it will hurt even more when it still fails in the end. Still, it’s all I have.

And so after being betrayed, somehow I’m still the one with his face in the dirt begging to be given a second chance. How did this happen? What do I do?


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

(((gently)))

So sorry you are here. So sorry you love her so much. But, it really sounds like she has already checked out of your M. She may have done it long before the A.

Are you still doing M counseling?

Maybe you should let her go. Perhaps some time away, might make her realize she still loves you (only if she is in a fog).


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

I’m not sure what to do. I am fairly certain that if I give up without continuing to try until the bitter end, I will have to live with regrets for the rest of my life, forever wondering whether it could have been better, whether we could have had our “happily ever after,” whether our daughter could have grown up in a complete and loving family. I feel like I know what I have to do, but I don’t know how, and I don’t know if I can, and perhaps most crushingly, I don’t know if it will make a difference.

Welcome to the club none of us wanted to be members of.

As to your daughter growing up in a "complete and loving family", forget about it. Your wife has ensured that will never happen.

There is nothing "complete" or "loving" about adultery. Adultery is commited by people who have a total indifference to the welfare of their spouse, their kids, and their family.


And, as to your "happily ever after"? Forget about it. That's not going to happen anytime soon, if it ever does.
Your wife is only sorry she got caught, not sorry she did it.

As long as this is the case, NOTHING you can do, say is going to "make a difference". You are a "plan B", a "default". If she chooses you, it will be out of some kind of compulsion, not because she is in love with you and wants to make life with you.

Kids learn horrible lessons when marriages stay together "for their sake". Ask me. I stayed with the slut because I wanted my kids to have both their parents.

My son grew up and married a slut far worse than his mom. This one left him in the hospital with 12 stitches in his face. She has not only cheated multiple times, she has committed FELONIES for which he has nearly gone bankrupt twice tryng to keep her out of prison.

Kids are BETTER OFF with one moral, decent, upright parent than with two parents, one of whom is a slime-ball who considers only herself and her own feelings and doesn't give a carpenter's damn about anyone else, including her kids.

And, as for "the fog" ? Forget about that, too. It is a complete falsehood, a non-existent phenomenon.

People commit adultery because THEY WANT TO, and because they have NO RESPECT for the welfare of others.

she said that she would consider a month-long trial period leading up to her moving out, and that she’d take the weekend to think about it.

Adulterers all have one thing in common: they're LIARS. She is no more going to "think about it" than she is going to sign up for the first rocket to Mars. This is "trickle-truth".

[This message edited by tfkeel at 11:22 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 526 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

You cannot "nice" someone out of an affair. Your wayward wife is completely checked out of the marriage, and as a result, gently, everything & anything you do falls on deaf ears.

Okay, you had marital problems. Two things: 1) Why did she decide to solve those by stepping out of the M as opposed to seeking counseling? 2) You were in the same crappy marriage and didn't cheat.

So -- this is on her. You have NO responsibility. Yes, you own 50% of the marital problems. That's it, though. As an adult, SHE is responsible for her own feelings. Needs not being met? You talk to your husband or a counselor. Unsure about the future of your marriage? Again, communicate, don't do a trial run of the single life.

So what do you do now? Personally? I say pull a 180. Read here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

YOU do not deserve to be Plan B, the fallback.

My advice is to pull a 180. And breathe. And eat, and hydrate.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 11:27 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

very, very well said tfkeel, and I'm in full agreement... WS Fog?, pffft, it's really a fully realized toxic cloud of lies, blameshift, me, me, me, anger, hatred, wonton deceit, thrill of forbidden fruit, and complete and utter COWARDICE!!!

I hate the term "wayward", as if they just went a little of course, and oooop's, our genitals locked up... BULLSHIT! They gladly chose to fuck over the person they were to protect, destroy many others for their selfish desires, and all they have now is lies, anger toward the BS, gaslighting, etc.

They are monsters, the enemy from the second they chose to cross a line they would have never wanted or allowed you to cross. I'm glad for folks who can truly reconcile, not hold it over the cheater, and live some other version of the M they have now; me, NO WAY, especially with what I have been through, and experienced with the pod person.

dbellanon, I truly feel and FULLY understand your pain, but real simple here from what you have written:

FUCK her and her excuses, blame shift, lack of remorse and a soul, decency, and zero care for your feelings. I say this with compassion, as I would not want another fella to go through the hell I have, and I'm trying to help you heal as fast as possible. You are in shock, and need to take very good care of yourself, and understand the flood of emotions you we be experiencing, many within the span of minutes. Serve her D papers now, and go from there... She is gone, long gone, and you will not love, sex, nice her back, and I hope the best for you friend, and for your DD. You WILL be OK, and SI will be your lifesaver through this mess.



D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Dbell, it's time to let go of the rope. Your WW has given you no indication that she desires to R with you, and in fact, has told you that she wants out.

Believe her. Give her what she wants.
The only conversations to have with her right now should be about 'logistics'.
Grovelling, begging, pleading, being nice.....none of those things will work and will only serve to hurt YOU more.

You may feel as if you're dying inside, but DO NOT let her see it. Just don't. Cry in the shower, beat the shit out of a punching bag at the gym, run 30 miles....whatever. Just don't 'give' her anymore of your emotions right now.

And this:

she said that she would consider a month-long trial period leading up to her moving out, and that she’d take the weekend to think about it.

I went to Sultan on a Friday morning in Sept 2011 and I was a crying mess. I told him that I thought we should be together. We decided to take the weekend to *think about* what we would each need in order to make staying together happen.
He spent that weekend at a hotel. With his OW. Giving her the chance to show him why he should choose her, instead of me.
I didn't know about that until almost 3 months later.

^^Finding that out was devastating to me. Don't let ^^that be you. It sucks. Bad.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Thanks everyone for the quick and sympathetic responses. I'm going to wait to hear as many perspectives as I can before weighing in, but just very quickly, can someone fill me in on the abbreviations used here? I'm afraid I'm rather new to the lingo.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Link to abbreviations:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Also, I believe there is an additional thread at the top of the General forum.

eta: yep, there was. Here's that one also.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469718

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:41 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

WOW! Soo you have to prove to her you are worth her love? She has the affair and you feel the need to pull her to you??
Honey 180 her go file for separation get on with your life. Do the joint custody.

Sorry you are here.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

First, let me get this out of the way: Very well written. I could feel the pain as I read through.

Next. Shes checked out of the M.
I know this hurts because what you wrote is exactly how my ex behaved.

You don't have to feel guilty, you are a normal H and she is broken.

Protect yourself and DD both emotionally and financially.
She is way ahead of you in the planning department. You need to catch up.

From what I could figure out, OM is unmarried. So he has nothing to lose.

Save the evidences and record her conversations.

Be mentally prepared for a long battle.
I know you love her, but, right now you have to let her go. People do get back together even after the D.
My best guess is OM is just using her and will throw her out the first instance he gets ( with another fling) , this where WW gets the kick back to reality or realizes the pain of rejection.

Be civil, your anger on her will only justify her decision to leave.

This gets better eventually with time.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Be civil, your anger on her will only justify her decision to leave.

Well said Happydays, I couldn't agree more. Stop the anger and counterproductive discussions, this bird has flown and the sooner you extricate yourself from this marriage the sooner you can fully heal.

She is absolutely convinced she doesn't love you and the affair was her way of demonstrating this. No remorse; don't waste a month groveling in an attempt to change her minds.

Just calmly tell her that on reflection you agree this marriage should end and you both move on with your lives. Ask her to move out ASAP. Only by rejecting her will she begin to question her actions and wonder if she has made the correct decision. Let the affair with the OM run its course as you divorce her. She may see you in a different light as you move on and she is left alone minus her Casanova..


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

You are doing great man. Well written post. Take a deep breath, find some inner peace, and let her go. She wants out, and any attempt to pull her back in will just push her further away.

My xWW was just like yours. She almost gleefully talked about the A. She wanted out of the M, but was too cowardly to do it herself, the right way, so she had an A, threw it in my face, halfway pretended to want R, then had another A. She just wanted me to end it. So I finally did, but 6 months too late, 6 months of pain and suffering I did not need to endure.

That's why I say let her go. The only chance for R is for her to leave, somehow see how much she misses you, and comes begging her way back.

Bro hugs. This is the toughest thing to endure.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry your here.
No one wants what your going through.

It sounds like your WW has already left your M. She's totally in the fog with the OM.
Something tells me that once she leaves, and she will, the OM will loose interest in her. He's not about to raise another man's child. And he's already cheated on your WW at least once so she doesn't mean much to him except cheap sex.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I have no idea if this makes any difference at all, but my wife insists that there was no sex involved, whether that was because of some principle or simply because I discovered the affair before it had the chance to escalate to that, I have no idea.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry you are here, but one thing you will learn like yesterday is that cheaters lie and lie and lie.

Cheaters Handbook 101 Page 1: We did not have sex. Deny, deny, deny.

Sorry to be so blunt, but so many of us here have heard the same line.

You need to meet with an attorney like yesterday. You need to protect your daughter.

Unfortunately, you cannot "nice" your wife back into the marriage. I don't think anything you do at this point is going to change her mind.

Buckle up, put yourself in the driver's seat.

One thing I did after my D-Day 8 years ago was pretty much putting on my bitch boots. I would not tolerate any more disrespect to me or the marriage. My way or the highway.

Read up on the 180 and implement it immediately, for your own sake.


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Dbellanon,
As always, it f*cking sucks that you find yourself here but this place will likely give you more strength and knowledge than anywhere else.

Like everyone else here, I am going to give you advice based on my experience. Everyone here told me very similar things to what they are telling you. Although not married or with a child, my WGF took a very similar course of action in ending our relationship and making me feel like I didn't do enough. It's going to be the hardest thing to pull back and not "TRY" for the sake of what your used to have and your DD but it is obvious that your WW has checked out a while ago just as my WGF did before she started an A and started blaming me for not doing enough for her in the relationship.
DO NOT beg, DO NOT try to convince her of the changes that you made. Those changes are fine and they are for YOU. It's time to focus on YOU and your DD. My friend told me to put this saying as the wallpaper on my phone when I was having trouble detaching from WGF (and still am) "The 180 is the only right thing to do". Please read about the 180 and detach from your, what seems like, completely unremorseful WW. Nothing about this will be easy. All the easy routes will be the wrong routes but you sound intelligent and strong.
I can't say it enough, pretty much everything that anyone says in here might as well be gospel spoken from the Infidelity Healing gods. Heed it. Wishing you strength. Post as often as you need to.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Sorry for your pain. I have been where you are. We are here to help. You are getting good advice . . .
please take it to heart. Cheaters all say they didn’t have sex, if your wife had a talk about being “exclusive” they most likely are, doesn’t mean he will though (be exclusive to her). It is best that she leaves ASAP . . . she leaves the home, you and daughter stay. Please do the 180 now for your own mental health. I know it’s hard. You are on a long, rough journey, she may begin demonizing you, (probably already has) be ready for it, it just more knives to the heart. Just try to go no contact with her unless about child or finances.
She left you a long time ago, just never told you, now you must mentally steal yourself to leave her and the life you thought you had.
Again, I am sorry, no pain in the world quite like betrayal.

[This message edited by shiloe at 4:25 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 615 | Registered: Mar 2003
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

let her go.

Your daughter will still grow up in a loving family. She will just have two homes.

Contact a lawyer and move ahead with filing. You can still continue to work on saving your M, but at least you are actively moving ahead.

Go and open a separate bank account and take 1/2 of $ or as advised by lawyer.

Go to the Dr and get tested for STDs - who knows where OM has been & now you have been exposed to him.

Once OM realizes his mistress is single and wanting commitment I think he will back away - he was looking for fun, not a wife (and not one with a child). Once she's dumped and realizes she is a single mom, she will most likely realize what she has lost and beg your forgiveness. But the woman who is asking for forgiveness is no longer the woman you married, so that will be a decision you have to make - good luck my friend.


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Run Forrest! Run!!

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Read this post:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051


It is a good quick start to advice and basic actions to take.

Understand that this is not your fault and it isn't about you. Also understand your wife is a liar and is not trustworthy - everything she says here is suspect. Any promises she might make, any agreements she might give you, even if they are written and signed in blood do not expect them to be worth the paper it's written on.

Take steps to protect yourself. See a lawyer immediately. Good luck, sorry you found yourself here.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7487 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Gently, she's checked out of the marriage, that is a given. Now is the time to start concentrating on YOU - she has make her choice, and you can't force her hand. She may/may not at some stage realize she has made a terrible mistake and come crying back.

Her choice in OM is terrible btw, not only is he dabbling with a married woman, he is also having others on the side as well. I can't see this ending well - he wasn't "into" her enough to be "exclusive" with her - he was already looking elsewhere. He sounds like a player. And yes, that whole exclusive thing is just revolting, given she is a married woman. Hello???


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Unfortunately 99.999999999% of cheaters, based on my observations lurking here (and my own experience) tell you only the absolute LEAST hurtful part first -- or what they feel will make them look best/cleanest. There's more truth coming. Trust us. Nearly every cheater starts with "We didn't have sex!!"

I know it seems counterintuitive. She's checked out of the marriage, she blames you for all this, yet she's holding back what she feels are the worst details, the details that will paint her in a bad light. The thing is, subconsciously or consciously, she still wants you as a back-up. And, more than that, she still wants to look as good as possible in your eyes. If she tells you the worst, or what she feels you feel is the worst, she runs the risk of being rejected BY YOU, rather than being able to reject you herself.... and then come back if things don't work out with OM, or in single life.

Unfortunately I know of what I speak.

Before I joined here, on my first D-Day, my WH was not committed to our marriage. He said things like, "It was over when I did it," "I don't love you anymore," "I don't want to waste my time in this marriage." OUCH. He even went so far as to start planning who would take what possessions and asked me who should go to the courthouse to file for D!!!!

During ALL of that drama, while he was telling me I brought it all upon myself, while he was insisting that he didn't want to be with me, didn't love me.... He continued to insist he'd "only" cheated on me with one other woman.

Once we were in R and he felt confident in our marriage again, I found out that was only 25% true -- he cheated on me with three other women. Why wouldn't he tell me that on the initial D-Day, when he apparently despised me, didn't care about my feelings, didn't love me, was ready to leave, etc?

WHO KNOWS.

You're not dealing with logical circumstances, so logic does not apply.

All we know -- all of us, everyone here -- is that almost every single cheater minimizes the truth during the initial "D-Day." I can't think of anyone here who has not experienced a second confession.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 11:29 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

So instead of cursing her, I told her that I loved her, and that even this did not change my resolve to save our marriage.

Don't tell her that you love her. For one thing, gently, she isn't very lovable right now. But, mainly, this is trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Think about it, this attention-craving dysfunctional woman has not one - but TWO men vying for her "love". You and the bullshit-feeding affair guy. This actually makes her feel of more value and makes her feel justified in what she is doing.

She reaffirmed to me that she did not love me, and wanted a separation.

I got this bullshit too. All this is - is her giving herself a mental quickie-divorce as well as a mental permission-slip to start having sex with other men. Problem is, she isn't informing you of her new mentally single status as well as not giving you the same permission to have sex with other women. Gee, why not honey?

But whenever I hinted at my opinion of her lover, she rebuffed me, saying that I had no right to judge his character without knowing him.

Fuck. That. Shit.
I don't know you, her, or him - but I know for certainty that this man your wife is involved with is a worthless piece of shit. He's not worth a squirt of piss. He's doing something to you and your family that he would NEVER want anyone to do to him - and he knows it every moment he is doing it. He should do the world a favor and jump in front of a speeding train. Good-fucking-riddance. One less shitbag that doesn't care what his fucked up behavior does to the lives of little children.

What a strange situation to be in, but I had to acknowledge, painful though it was, that at the moment, she had a stronger emotional connection to him than she did to me, and that this reaction, though terrible and misguided, was natural.

Yes, of course, she HAS to delude herself into thinking it's the love of fucking legends in order to mask the reality that it is pure fucking shit. The shittier it is, the "stronger" the emotional connection. Trust me, your wife also knows very well that she is doing something to you that she would never, ever, under any circumstances want you to do to her. She has to bury that reality under a huge pile of delusional soulmate bullshit.

Listen, I know this is difficult to imagine doing right now but the best move you could make would be to IMMEDIATELY file for, and start following through with a divorce. It is the ONLY clear message that will get across. The only action she will not be able to rationalize away. It will send the clear message that you are not going to fuck around with this Jerry Springer bullshit. It sends the message that you value yourself more than her dysfunctional gamesmanship. It will also raise your value in her eyes yet simultaneously send the message that her value to you has plummeted - she will really not like that.

No one was more gone than my STBXWW. She thought her affair guy could walk on fucking water - up until I filed for divorce. Then, I got the call tearfully asking if we could reconcile and saying she was willing to do anything for a second chance.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Listen, I know this is difficult to imagine doing right now but the best move you could make would be to IMMEDIATELY file for, and start following through with a divorce. It is the ONLY clear message that will get across.

^^^^This - listen to it. I was in your exact situation a year ago, and I should have done this. Everyone told me to, I knew I should, but I tried to "nice" my WW back into our M. FAIL FAIL FAIL.

See a lawyer, in person, get a business card. Leave it on the counter at home. get the process started to protect yourself.

One more thing, put 100% of your mental energy into parenting. Your WW is in the fog and likely checked out from your DD as well. Your DD needs you to be there for her emotionally. Get sleep, eat well, exercise, and get into IC or find a good friend to confide in. Take control of this situation completely.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Thanks everyone. I know I have to take the advice to take care of myself seriously. I haven't been doing well. I've lost about 20 pounds since this all started and I'm definitely frayed at the edges. What's more, being in this position has, admittedly, taken its toll on my own sense of self worth. She made me to feel worthless and inadequate and guilty, and all the while she was hoping to get away with taking me to task in therapy, bashing me, criticizing me, calling me a shitty husband all without having to face down the ugliness in herself. She never would have confessed if I hadn’t confronted her, and she would have let me go through the entire process thinking that I was a monster and she was a saint, a long-suffering goddamn saint! I’ve allowed myself to be tugged around, battered, degraded, lied to, to have my character assassinated, and to be emotional dismantled during this entire process, being forced to grovel in the dirt begging for a second chance, while my wife selfishly held on to her own false sense of moral superiority by lying and deceit. And now that I know about the affair? What's different? Not much. She has acknowledged that the affair was wrong, but this is not the same as an apology or repentance. And it hasn't changed her stance towards me. And fair enough since two wrongs don't make a right. Obviously her infidelity doesn't erase my own failings, or vice verse, nor does it make us "even." Her having an affair certainly doesn't make us more likely to be happy together in the future. It makes it less likely, but I still don't think I'm ready to give up yet.

She has agreed that we will take a month in which we will do our absolute best to try and be good spouses to one another. If it goes encouragingly, we'll consider another month. I think there's a high probability it won't do any good, and even a high probability she's not even sincere about it, but it's a month that we would have to be living together anyway. What do I have to lose? Do I risk even more heartbreak at the end? Absolutely. Do I need to be preparing for divorce during that time? Definitely. But I don't think that I gain anything by serving divorce papers now as opposed to a month from now. I won't gain more peace of mind. I'll just wonder all the time whether I made a mistake. Whatever happens, I don't want to be the one to end it. And if in the end, she does divorce me, then it's all on her. She's the one who refused to work on the marriage. She's the one who cheated on me. She's the one who wouldn't forgive me and give me a second chance when I was willing to forgive and work on recovering from the worst betrayal imaginable. And I can walk away with as clean a conscience as is possible in a situation like this.

Somehow, I still love her, and what is love if not mercy and forgiveness, and redemption. What is love if not being willing to put yourself through hell for someone, even someone who doesn’t deserve it?

I don't believe she has any interest in being married to me with an affair on the side. Her determination to get out of this marriage tells me that much, so if she does show any indication of wanting to reconcile, I'd be inclined to believe her.

As far as being able to trust her goes, that's another question entirely, but the truth is that I'm going to be dealing with trust issues one way or another. I never thought this could happen to me, and It's likely that I would carry that disillusionment with me into any future marriage. I don't think she was a dishonest or untrustworthy person from the beginning, and I'd be dealing with the fear that anyone else I married could turn out the same way no matter how promising the start. So somehow, I need to learn to trust again. If I can do that through trying to heal with my own wife, then I want to do that. If not, then I'll do my best on my own.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

dbellanon --

She has acknowledged that the affair was wrong, but this is not the same as an apology or repentance.

Why, then, are you offering her the gift of reconciliation? What has she done to earn it?

But I don't think that I gain anything by serving divorce papers now as opposed to a month from now.

You do. She is going to use this month to cake-eat, and you are sweetening the deal. She gets a sweet, repentant husband at home, trying desperately to win her back (and, tell me, who is the prize? is it her... or is it you? Think about this, please), and I am 100% sure she is still stringing OM along on the side, experiencing that carefree limerance love that appears in the early months of a new relationship... a relationship in which there is no morning breath, no mortgage talk, no arguments over socks that don't walk themselves to the hamper. To save the marriage, you must be willing to lose it.

Your old wife -- the wife you fell in love with, the wife who loved and respected you -- is gone. Look at the person you are dealing with now.. the person painting you as a monster while she stomps on your trust, the person manipulating you into taking all the blame when she's been having an affair. Do you really want to be with this person?

Please hear me: If you allow her to spit in your face (by having the affair and shifting nearly all blame onto your shoulders), and then YOU grovel to get HER back, she will NEVER respect you, and you will certainly lose the marriage -- maybe not now, but you will lose it, and probably to another man.

((hugs))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

You're right. She hasn't done anything to earn reconciliation. I'm waiting to see what she does once she's had a chance to process this whole thing. It's been less than a week.

You bring up some good points. And if I need to be disabused of my illusions one by one, I suppose that's the way it might have to be. I'm not going to maintain this stance at all costs.

I should note though that I do not think that she is trying to cake-eat. She told me that she broke off the affair, and I believe her. Why? Because she told me that she broke it off to work on getting out of the marriage, not to stay in it. Doesn't seem like the lie someone would tell if she wanted to have both of us. No. I am fairly certain she wants to get out of our marriage as soon as possible so that she can have a "legitimate" relationship with this guy.

That doesn't exactly help my case, I know, but consider this:

The fact is that I had been trying for weeks to get her to agree to some sort of "trial period," maybe six months to a year (this is before I found out about the affair), and only just now did she agree to a month (which we all know is too short to really make progress), and only, it seemed, because we were stuck with each other for that long anyway. At no point in this process have I gotten the impression that she is just telling me what I want to hear, considering that she has conceded essentially no ground to me in this entire process (except for, at last, this one month). It's not hard to trust that someone is being honest when all they are giving you is bad news.

You say that to save the marriage, I have to be willing to lose it. I hate to admit it, but this is probably right. I also know that I'm just not there yet. God help me, I'm just not willing. I'm close, but I'm not there.

I do know that no matter what, I need to find a way to stand up for myself.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

So sorry to hear the pain you are struggling with.

You are very well written, and convey a true sense of being traumatized, lied to, deceived, betrayed and emotionally abused by your WW.

Unfortunately, I can say that most all of us have "been there". And if it means anything, what you're going through is, sadly, 100% "normal". In fact, I felt incredibly reminiscent of my own story when I read yours.

That being said, I can say that if there was one thing I could have done differently when I was going through the pain and abuse from my WW's A, I would have tried to find resources (e.g., SI.com, books, etc.). I didn't know those existed for this particular subject matter, and for some reason, having little to no experience with affairs, I thought my situation was unique, for some screwed up reason. It wasn't until after my 5th DDay that I found SI.com and started reaching out for support.

So, comparatively speaking, you're off to a better start than I was, at least.

What I can say is that SI.com is full of MANY people who have "been there", as well as a wealth of incredibly helpful knowledge in the Healing Library. I strongly encourage you to read up on the 180 guide, and follow it as much as you realistically can. It may seem counter-intuitive to do so, but trust me, it will be your savior during these troubling times.

I want to echo what many have said in that there is absolutely NOTHING you did that resulted in your WW engaging in destructive A-like behavior. That is 100% on her, and hers to own the rest of her life. You ARE, however, equally responsible for any shortcomings or failings within your M, but I see that you've already acknowledged that, so that is good.

In addition, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to "convince" your WW to stop having an A, or to "choose you". After all, you truly are worth more than having to "convince" someone to be with you. And although you may not see it now, there are TONS of incredibly not-fucked-up women out there who would be thrilled and honored to be with you, and not betray you, backstab you, deceive you, or emotionally abuse you.

Folks who engage in such behaviors must dehumanize their victims in order to engage in and continue with such devastating behavior. It is a SICKNESS (just like, say, compulsive gambling, sex addition, etc.). There is no "cure" you can provide. If they want to get better, they have to not be "sick" anymore. And they get better only by being smashed over the head with a reality sledgehammer.

If you continue to try to have your WW "see the light", you will only be subjecting yourself to continued abuse and pain. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from her, start protecting your mind and body, and get your house in order so that you can think clearly and rationally. You see, this can be thought of like war. She is the enemy, in this case, and has a HUGE head start on you. She has forged an army, detached emotionally and physically from you, and has sought refuge with what sounds to be a degenerate OM. My WW did the same thing. She had a HUGE head start on me, and I had to scramble to catch up, which I was months behind on. She had built a web of lies, many of which involved dehumanizing me, and demonizing me to friends and family. All of which I had no idea about.

If you want to come out of this with your integrity, sense of self worth ,and overall, in a better place within yourself, you MUST stop blaming yourself for her A. You must pull yourself up by your bootstraps and accept that your WW put you and your family in grave danger, and that she is NOT the person you thought she was all these years. In her current state, she truly is your enemy, and is on track to destroying you and your family if you don't fight back and fight for what's right.

Giving her a month to "think about it" is absolutely asinine. She should have 24 hours, IMO, and that's being generous. You see, she is still calling the shots, and she no longer has that luxury. She is trying to control and manipulate her. She wants her cake and wants to eat it to. If I were you, I would give her an ultimatum. I would firmly draw a bottom line, instructing her that she must leave the house, as that is not a place for emotional abuse and betrayal of your family, as those behaviors simply will not be tolerated. Tell her that YOU will decide if you want to be with her again, but that she does need to leave until you've determined how you want to move forward. I would immediately contact an attorney and find out your options, of which there are MANY. WSs look VERY bad in the eyes of family court judges and juries, especially when the extent of their betrayal is as deep as you've described it. But man, seriously, take control here, and tell her she isn't welcomed there, and needs to leave. It is up to HER to figure out what she is going to do. She should have thought about this, and had a plan, prior to betraying you. Don't provide anything for her. After all, is she providing anything for you? No? Well, meet her equally and provide for her what she is providing for you. Let's see if her AP will let her move in with him (HAHA! That is HIGHLY unlikely to happen, or if it does, it'll last, say, 2 weeks?).

If she is going to wake up from her "fog", it's only going to be when you push her away. Otherwise, she is simply being a cake-eater. What incentive does she have to end the emotional abuse and trauma if she knows you're simply going to be sitting there waiting for her to "come around"? Again, it sounds irrational to people like us, but remember, you are dealing with a VERY ILL PERSON.

Lastly, do everything you can to collect evidence about her A. Screenshots from her computer, txt messages, etc. You may need this later! (Note: PM me for other tips and methods of investigating her. Sadly, I've learned a LOT of them, and had them taught to me, and don't want to give WSs any new material to strengthen their defenses by posting opening in SI.com, so again, PM, if interested in more of these things you can do).

Be strong, take care of yourself and your family. You've found a safe place. Keep on fighting!


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
HouseOfPink
New Member
Member # 38023
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Coming from someone who is 5 months down the road from you, please heed the advice that everyone says here - serve her divorce papers and hard 180.

This is coming from everyone who has been in the same pickle as you are. I thought I was different too, that I can fix my husband by myself. That there is some good inside him that still loves me. What a waste of time that was!

Now that I am finally starting to detach I feel free and now seeing the myriad of opportunities ahead of me. I can plan a future with my children and make new memories with them. My husband now sees me in a different light and the confusion on his face is highly amusing. He's now trying to nice me back to my former dutiful and grovelling self but wait.... he's still with the OW.

Please take heed and don't waste another month, not even a day on fixing your wife. As long as the OM is in the picture you can't. Quick and decisive action is what you need.

Good luck !


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Australia
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Sorry you have found us.

If you have not already done so, please consult an attorney.

Read up on the 180. It is found in the Healing Library under the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses.

If she really wants a separation, then do the following:

- Take half the money in any and all joint accounts and put in your name only.

- Continue paying for any joint obligations you have.

- Remove her from any credit cards she is a authorized user. Typically the card was opened up in your name and she was authorized to use the card.

- Freeze any accounts you have as joint. You don't want to fund her attorney or her affair

- Remove yourself from any accounts where you are the authorized user she opened up

- If she has any bills you are currently paying, stop. Cell phone for example.

- Discontinue any marriage counseling. You are just wasting money and it will serve no use until she is faced with the decision to attempt reconciliation.

- Keep all evidence in a safe location (your office, with your attorney, etc.).

- Consider purchasing a voice activated recorder. Keep it with you at all times you are talking with her. It may not be admissible in court, but it may help you in the case she gets backed into a corner and fabricates any lies against you.

Let her know you are serious. You will not put up with her behavior. This will let you feel like you have some control in the process. Might not be able to control the outcome, but it will give you strength.

Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water. Spend quality time with your daughter and focus on her.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

The emotional needs to be separated from the practical asap.

I'm sorry you had to find us and for your situation but please heed the advice here.

The 180 is a mechanism for you, for helping you to detach and to focus on the here and now, and on yourself. Read and read again. Absorb and adopt it as your mantra. Follow it despite your pain and anguish. It will serve you well.

You cannot control her or anything she does, the situation or the outcome. You can only protect yourself. This is your priority.

Welcome to the club no-one wants to join. We are here for you.


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4965 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

One more detail that may or may not make any difference:

She started demonizing me before she began the affair (and again, some of her criticisms of me were legitimate). I know this because of the e-mails that I read. So she used her demonization of me and her general impression that her marriage was on the rocks to justify the affair, rather than demonizing me to justify it after the affair began (though I am sure that the two reinforced each other once the affair began). This is one of the reasons, I think, that her stance towards me hasn't changed. Since all of her problems with me came before the affair, she doesn't think that the fact that she had the affair really changes whether or not she should get out of our marriage. In fact, the fact that now we both know that wrongs have been done on both sides, it's all the more reason to get out, in her mind. She doesn't love me, and I shouldn't love her, so let's just quit. That's how she sees it.

[This message edited by dbellanon at 5:28 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

dbellanon,

How sure are you on the A timing. Usually the demonizing starts after the affair has started. The WS does this to justify their behavior to themselves after they have already stepped out.

Please heed the advice you are getting here. Their is an enormous amount of wisdom here. Most everyone has BTDT and are giving you the benefit of the things that in retrospect they now realize they did wrong. Sending you strength.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

I'm pretty sure about the timing, since I was able to reconstruct much of the timeline of events and her thought process through reading her e-mails.

Not sure it makes all that much of a difference. I'm sure that her opinion of me worsened once the affair began, even though it was pretty bad to begin with.

The fact is that she has badly bungled absolutely everything about this process, beginning with not telling me when she began to feel seriously unhappy in our marriage. There were months and months during which, if I had known this, we could have gone to counseling and begun to reconcile. But then she told me too late after she already made up her mind, and had already begun an affair with another man. That's what pisses me off so much about it, that there was a window of time when this could have been fixed. I don't believe that the world is divided into "cheaters" and "loyals." I think that everyone has a different capacity for infidelity, and some of them won't even know it until they're put in a situation where it's possible. I'm fairly certain my capacity is 0, especially now, since I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy, but I don't think that my wife is a 10, someone who was bound to get around to it sooner or later no matter what. This didn't have to happen, and some serious "preventative medicine" in our marriage probably could have deflected this outcome.

She sabotaged our chances first by keeping her dissatisfaction to herself (though she'd say that she's been trying to get through to me for years), and then sabotaged them further by cheating, and then sabotaged them further by lying about it, and trying to keep herself in the lovely moral glow of being the "wronged spouse." There is not a single thing that she has done right since this began. I'm not sure it matters if the chicken or the egg came first.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

I know I need to see a lawyer, if for nothing else than to discuss my options.

If it does come to divorce, I'm not anticipating a legal battle. She wants to separate amicably, and she was saying that even before I found out about the affair, so she's not just saying it because she knows that I could use the affair against her. Equal division of property and joint custody is what she has in mind, and I honestly don't have a good reason not to give it to her... at least I don't think. She's a good mother... Well, okay, I'm not so sure I'd go that far given the potential of this whole mess to harm her child, but I should say that I'm not afraid to share custody with her (although if OM becomes involved, I might change my mind. I do not want him involved in my child's life), and I know that it would be cruel to try to cut her out of our daughter's life.

She knows that I am a good father. That's the one thing about me that she hasn't criticized, and she knows that a legal battle would financially drain both of us and leave nothing for our daughter at all (Did I mention my wife is a graduate student? We don't have a lot of money). All this to say that I don't think I'll be fighting her in court. But I do need to find a lawyer nonetheless.

Anyone have advice about how to track down a good one?


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

I have posted this many times here (I did not write it), and it gave me strength, and a clear direction in my darkest hours... Allow it to give you the strength and resolve to get on track to a better life, be it genuine R, or D... It's limbo that will kill you.


Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Usually word of mouth - talk to people who've divorced to find who's good and bad. One thing I've seen repeatedly however - is that no matter how good the intentions of the divorcing couple to keep it fair and friendly, the lawyers have a vested interest in making it nasty thus prolonging it and hiking the bill - and if not for personal gain, their job is to get YOU the most you are entitled to and this can create animosity.

Btw - welcome, sorry you're here - and the advice you've been given is spot on. I foresee that in the next 30 days you will experience such anguish and soul-crushing despair because of your wife's attitude that you will look back and ask why you didn't 180 her ass and take a hard line. But if it happens (I truly hope you come through with your self-esteem intact) but if it happens, we'll be here to help you through. We understand - most of us delayed the tough-love until we learned the hard way. We're here for you every step of the way.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Wow shock - awesome post...and the absolute truth. I did that (after dday2) and H immediately started fighting for me and the M. I said, "you obviously need her - I can't make you live me - so go, be with her." and I said it while stroking his face and with a wistful smile. I shared my plan to tackle our debt and how we'd use an advance in my pay to afford first and last months rent for his apartment. The man who had asked for separation 2 months prior (before I knew of the A) stood there with his mouth open, in a desperate struggle to comprehend what I was truly saying. I wish I had the strength to have done it on dday1. But I knew I had not been a good wife for years and instead tried to become the ideal spouse - to show him I was the right choice. Instead, he had the perfect step ford wife at home and the silicones ego-stroker on the side. I only made the cake-eating that much sweeter. Sound familiar at all Dbellanon? I risked losing my M and in the process saved it. We have been in solid R for 8 months (with bumps in the road for sure) but even if we didn't R - I had to stop being a desperate doormat to save me.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

My xh and his bimbo didn't have sex, either, because "we decided it would be immoral to have sex while we were still married to our spouses." Really ? Instead, they were naked and had touch-less sex. Uh, huh. As I learned later, of course they had sex. That was the goal of meeting, after all. You need to understand, as others have said, cheaters lie. And they continue to lie even when the truth would be better than the lie.

Yep.... Run, Forest, RUN ! (I really like that advice.)


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Sorry you find yourself here brother. The others have pretty much said it all. What you need to so is shift the power dynamic here. So far she is calling all the shots and your pretty much accepting it. Amicable divorce my ass. There is no such thing. This woman just shot you through the heart and now she was to be amicable ? She gets exactly what the law says she gets. Not a dime or a consideration more. If you live in a fault state file under adultery. Use anything and everything at your disposal to tip the scales of justice in your favor. If it becomes a knock down drag out fight don't be afraid to go after her immoral behaviors as a weapon. Divorce is war. Take no prisoners, show no quarter. Don't believe that for one minute she is going to keep her word. And don't reward her for being a lying cheat either. Keep in mind that if you did not catch her she would have been more than happy screwing another man while you were ignorant to the fact. If she wanted out of the M that badly she should have asked for a D before fucking another guy.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Awesome post, Shockleader. Listen to what he says. He's been through the ringer and has learned from it greatly.

I'm not sure it matters if the chicken or the egg came first.

This is absolutely the case, dBellanon. The relevance of "when" your WW started unraveling is a moot point, although the stats say that it was right around the time of the start of the affair, despite what she may say. I see clarity coming to you already which is awesome. It's something that I wish I had much earlier in my situation.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, May 13th (Monday)

You know, I think some of this is starting to sink in. Here is where I am right now:

I'm not willing to give up on loving her, and I'm not willing to give up on our marriage.

But I'm not going to be a doormat anymore.

I will give it the month, but only if she ends the affair PERMANENTLY. None of this "I'm breaking off the affair until I can get out of my marriage" crap. No contact. Accountability. These are the terms I am setting. And I had better see some goddamn remorse, some sort of indication that she can actually evaluate her actions clearly.

I've been afraid to set ultimatums because I have been afraid that she will take those ultimatums and run and then I will have lost her forever. And that's probably true. There's a strong likelihood that this will happen. But there's a strong likelihood that she will leave after the month is over anyway, and I won't have done her or myself any good by letting her walk all over me.

I will make sure she knows that whatever I do in the next month, I do because I love her and believe in our marriage, and not because I think I need to earn her love or approval. And if she reneges on the month, then so be it. So help me, I'm terrified of that outcome, but I just can't be in this position anymore.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, May 13th (Monday)

Bro, you have nothing to lose because you no longer have her anyhow. I understand about wanting the M to work. And if gives you the satisfaction that you gave it your best effort then go ahead and give her the month. But there is nothing wrong with lining your ducks up while you await the outcome. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Sadly what usually snaps them out of the fantasy they create is reality. And the reality of it is you must let her go. She needs to experience life without you. And if you think that she will not see OM during this time you are sadly mistaken. Trust me she will use this month to get her exit plan in place. She will position herself in a place of power. She will start on spin control and blame. You will be portrayed as the reason the M failed. Or at the very least she will claim that it just did not work out. There will be no mention of her A or the OM. Chances are she be come out with OM very soon. She will portray the relationship with OM as divine intervention. Like he and she just happened to find each other right as the M to you ended. What you have here is a textbook exit A. One thing I always stress to the new members is that your situation is not unique. I know it feels that way right now. But its not, we all have been there and its astounding how most WS act the same. Your going to read about the WS handbook very soon if you haven't already. Its just a collection of personal stories on how similar a WS is. Trust me use this time not only fighting to save your M. But to save your emotional, financial, health and overall well being should she bolt. And the chances here are she will do exactly that. I like that your becoming stronger. Keep that up. Think with your brain not your heart. Easier said than done. But its essential that you prepare for what's going to come. Good luck my friend.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 13th (Monday)

You know, when she told me she broke off the affair, I said, "Thank you." As if she was doing me a favor! How twisted is that?

What did she do to me? I feel like I'm finally waking up and realizing how badly my self esteem has been damaged.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Stronger08 (and everyone else) is right.
I'm sorry you had to find us.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Short update on this situation:

The month-long trial is on. She seems willing to give it as much as she can, which at this point, is not so much emotional investment as it is just time. We've basically doubled our therapy schedule. It's not at all the right way to do it. We need more time, but she wants to move out on July 1st, and she's not budging.

As far as the affair goes, it did come out that "no sex," really just means "no penetration." I believe her on this, but at this point I don't think it matters. It's a pencil-thin distinction and it doesn't make it any less painful, or make we wish I could kick the asshole in the balls any less.

The worst part is that she's not really sorry for the affair. She can acknowledge that what she did was ethically wrong, but she doesn't feel remorseful about it. In her words, "It's hard to feel bad about something that made me feel good." The affair met needs of hers that she felt were not being met. It did something good for her, she thinks, even if it was wrong.

And of course, I can't make her feel sorry for it, even though she should. It's a bunch of narcissistic bullshit. There's a reason why the goodness of an action isn't determined by how it makes you feel, but rather by how it affects others. But she's so far from feeling empathy for me that I don't think it makes a difference.

I feel like I'm incredibly confused as to where I am. On the one hand, having a month of being all-in might, just might have a snowball's chance in hell of changing some small thing about the way she is feeling. And if there's a chance, it feels like it's worth it. On the other hand, it still feels like her underlying determination to end the marriage warrants a 180 on my part.

So do I go all-in and invest myself fully, or do I detach? Is it possible to do both?


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

It is not possible to do both, just as you can not R without a remorseful spouse.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, May 17th (Friday)

The lack of remorse is the biggest problem. I want desperately to forgive her, but I can't do it if she doesn't think she needs to be forgiven.

At the same time, I don't want us to leave each other now and simply crystallize the images we have of each other. If we leave the marriage now, she will always be a cheater in my eyes, and I will always be the neglectful and emotionally abusive husband. We will never get to live down our reputations with one another because we never will have had the chance to be anything else to one another. But we will still have to face each other every week and be reminded of the things that ended our marriage.

So I suppose that since she's giving me a month to try to change her view of me, I suppose I'm giving her time as well, perhaps to come to a place of remorse, or something... I feel that if we leave now, I will never forgive her, and I'll have to live with this disgust that I feel over her betrayal forever.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 17th (Friday)

Dbellanon,

I have a very hard time believing that the person I have gotten to know through reading your heartfelt words was ever emotionally abusive to his wife.

I think your wife may be twisting what happened in your marriage and making you feel responsible for her feelings because she is seriously f*cked up. You seem to be an approachable, introspective and understanding guy. Emotional abuse? That's what she is doing to you.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 17th (Friday)

I will always be the neglectful and emotionally abusive husband

Whether this is true or not, it is NOT the reason she cheated. My H gave his excuse for cheating because I interrupted him when he was talking. So I hope you can wrap your head around the fact that the cheating is ALL on her.

Dude, please pull out the 180 and implement it like yesterday. Wishing you strength.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 17th (Friday)

No. I don't believe that I was emotionally abusive, but she does.

And yeah, I do feel abused in all of this, and I don't deserve it. But somehow, I'd like her to at least be able to see that I'm not the monster she has created in her own head, even if it's not enough for her to turn around.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Angelback
New Member
Member # 39273
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 17th (Friday)

dbell, sorry you are here, but you are at the right place. I am new as well and I have learned sooo much. I don't have a lot of advice but I wanted to share one thing with you for what it is worth.

Right after DDay for me, I went to the Dr. for anxiety. He did a lot of tests and one of the things he found was that my testosterone was extremely low. Please don't think I am suggesting you "man up" or anything, this is a common ailment. Well three weeks later I seem to have my old swagger back and I have a new energy and "badass' attitude I used to have when younger. This has helped me to look at things logically and to be confident in my decisions and desire to get out there and start a new life. Hope this helps!


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

What I've observed before with various friends is affairs cropping up when the WW enters university. The liberating atmosphere of the academic environment, coupled with all that contact with young, attractive students, can send them off the rails.
Maybe true with your wife.

One things for sure unless your wife realizes that you both bear responsibility for the state of your marriage and you are not the monster she has come to portray you as, there is no hope. Right now she is so arrogant, convinced you deserve every morsel of grief she has handed out. There is no possibility of reconciliation with this attitude and I agree with other posters, let her go; maybe she will come to her senses later, maybe not. Either way you may have moved on in the meantime; thats the risk your wife will have to take.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

What you describe is very, very much like what I just spent the last year doing. I'm a betrayed wife who had a mirror-image of what you describe happen.

STBXH/Perv had already fully detatched himself from our 17 year marriage and 20 year relationship for quite a long while, but never told his wife. It was exactly as you describe, so that when he finally spoke of an MC he already knew he wanted to live with OW but wanted to pretend he was doing the "right" exit. He never spoke of wanting MC prior to knowing OW.

I worked myself sick to give chances and "fix" this awful list of supposed problems that only half-existed. He was mad about coffee, for one? but never, ever told me. Just held it all in and maybe had a list somewhere.

So I write this about my story to say that I can completely, absolutely relate to what you are trying to do. And I commend you for giving your M so much energy. But ...I hate to say but...it will really, seriously take its toll on you emotionally and physically if she isn't in it wholeheartedly, too. I'm sorry to say that, but it happened here and to one or two other couples we/I know.

I wish you tremendous luck and hope that what you want to happen will happen. I hope she's really let go of OM and not pulling your leg-that happened here many times, even while looking me right in the face.

I'm sorry to say that I did frown when I read about her and OM "Miscommunicating about being exclusive", because...she's married to you!!!


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

Stronger, you hit the nail on the head! That's exactly what Perv's doing, a whole year later!

It's the most awful thing to live with...I did have the guts recently to remind him that he did it and not me. No reply came, lol.

Thank you for getting it...I'm starting to!


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sorry for your pain.

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
wewillmakeit
Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

In her words, "It's hard to feel bad about something that made me feel good."

I wonder if she would agree with the assertion: "it's ok to hurt others, as long as your behavior makes you feel good" ? If yes, she needs some counseling, IMHO.


Posts: 265 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

You know the weird thing about it is that, again, she acknowledges that it was wrong, but she doesn't feel it.

The problem with counselors is that it's not their job to pass moral judgment. Our couples' counselor very cautiously chose her words when she said something along the lines of, "I think you realize that this was not the most healthy way of..." or something like that. In my mind of course, I was thinking, "Yeah. Just like ripping out someone's tongue is an unhealthy way of dealing with anger." It's an understatement of monumental proportions. But of course, she was just being professional.

Others in her life expressed concern about the morality of what she was doing, and about whether it was a healthy thing for her, but to my knowledge, I don't think anyone ever brought up the hurt and trauma it would cause me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because they thought I wouldn't find out. Maybe because had been so demonized that it didn't seem like my feelings mattered. I don't know. But it is troubling.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

In my case, my wife has stopped going to her therapist (who also sees me) because the therapist slightly insinuated that maybe my wife is doing the wrong thing and perhaps should end the affair if she wants to work on our marriage.

I guess that wasn't very professional of her.... But it was good for me to hear.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

No matter what you do in this next month, it will not bring her back into the marriage. She has already detached from the marriage and has her eyes set on a life with the OM. It will not go well for her I am afraid.

XWH#1 was having an EA?PA with an 18yr old. He said I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with. That is the day I walked away from my 20+yr marriage that had been filled with affairs and abuse. OW left him right after I filed for D. By that time I no longer wanted him back in my life. I had spent weeks detaching from the marriage. The reason I say this is sometimes you have to let them go. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. When I told WH#2 after DDay#2 that I was through, he could have her, I wished him much happiness in his new relationship. He looked scared as hell and said he didn't want OW, he wanted me. As I told him I am not an option that you can just want one day and not want the next. Leave me in peace if you don't want to commit to our marriage. If you think she will make you happy, then leave and be with her. He is still here and is now starting to try R.

It is true sometimes you have to let them go in order to keep them. My two marriages turned out totally different, so there is no guarantees either way. You have to get to a place in your own mind that you deserve to be loved and if she doesn't want to be the one to do that then you are better off without her. You are no ones second choice and you are not a floor mat. Don't let her treat you like one, EVER!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
dbellanon
Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

A short update to this story can be found here, in the separation/divorce forum:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497471&HL=39236

In short. It's over.

The long and the short of it is that I finally realized what I should have realized a long time ago, that there really was nothing I could say or do that would change her mind. She had made it up long before we ever got to the table.

I probably should have pulled a 180 a long time ago, but that is the benefit of hindsight. I don't know that there was any way I could have reached the point I have reached now without feeling like I tried everything. I'm not so sure that I'm ready to give up, but I know that I have to let her go.

It's horrible and heartbreaking, and I hate that she's forcing us to break up our daughter's home, but I've been sick too long with unjustified hope, and I need to start grieving, and start healing.

I'm not sure how long we'll be living together. It might be until July 1st, but my wife has been having trouble finding apartments, so it might be longer. It could potentially be all summer. I suppose in theory there are a lot of things that could happen between now and then, but the most likely is that we both just become more comfortable with the idea of divorce. I know that I can't see this time as a chance for change because I will just make myself sick again with hope, and then I won't be ready to move on when the time comes.

We are continuing to see our couple's therapist. It is frustrating because our therapy sessions are usually productive. They gave me hope that we could work this out, but now... we might be able to come to a better understanding of each other, but I am 99% certain that nothing is going to change her mind now. This is what she wants.

I'm not sure how I'm coping at the moment. It's the same horrible pain most of the time, but a part of me feels like the burden has lifted somewhat. There is a strange liberation in giving up. Still, there are triggers everywhere, and the slightest reminder, the slightest memory can send me into a spiral. I think that I'm going to be very fragile for a long time.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 61