SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: What does false R mean?
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

I see this a lot - what does it mean? That they are still in contact with the other person? That they are not pulling their weight by showing remorse?

Just curious what it means to everyone.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

I think false R can mean different things... It could be that they're still seeing the OP, still in the A.

It could mean that they're not seeing the AP but that they're keeping the A alive in their mind - fantasizing, or pining, or refusing to give it up mentally. False R because then the WS maintains a commitment to the A, and that's not acceptable if you're supposed to be loyal to your spouse and M.

It could mean TT - that the WS is withholding details or even multiple As intentionally. False R for sure, because you don't know everything you're reconciling from, and because there cannot be any more secrets.

It could mean - as was in our case - continuing to see the A(s) in a positive light, not feeling at all bad, still smiling over memories of the As, and being unwilling to hear the BS's pain, getting outright annoyed - rugsweeping. Definitely false R, because the WS is not helping or taking seriously the BS's need to heal, or for that matter the WS isn't doing the work to make sure they won't make those choices again.

It could also mean going through the motions with R, but not really into it or trying half-heartedly (ETA: I think this is different than having a hard time or feeling doubts - of course we struggle in R - I mean this more about not really caring from the start if the M is saved but claiming otherwise), and in the end seeking separation or divorce. R must be very hard, but it's something both spouses must actively choose to do if it is to be R, imo. That doesn't mean everyone has to R. The A might certainly be a dealbreaker, and that's more than understandable. Also, it does not mean you must choose immediately to R - you can be honest and say you're in limbo, and while it sucks being there, it's reality. imo saying you're in R is serious. It's false R when a person says they commit to R but doesn't really put their heart in it.

I think false R can mean different things, and it can hurt in different ways. In general: I think it means when the commitment of one or both spouses is absent from the M post-A, while one or both spouses claim it's there.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:52 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Thank you silverhopes. I am happy to write that I don't recognize us in any one of those points you put out.

But maybe someone else will see it and it will be helpful to them.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

t/j---Great post, Silverhopes! I agree with all of the above.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 2:29 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

LA44, thank you for asking this question. I had been wondering what false R meant as well.

silverhopes, thank you for your answer. Your insight and clarity of thought in your answer is amazing. Your ability to accurately describe what is false R and how this is different true R has helped immensely.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 350 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I am always happy when a question helps at least one person out there and looks like it has!

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 6