Wayward Side
User Topic: After 1 1/2 years
Member # 23167
Stop  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

No contact... Moving on.. reclaiming my life. BS and I are doing well. All of the sudden, I wake up today missing the OW. WTF? Its bad... Music, tears, memories of dancing in the rain... Why? Why now after all this time? Help me out, this really blows!

When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Remind yourself that the bad of the affair---the pain you caused your BW and yourself, the surrender of your integrity, and the fear & mistrust you placed into your M---far outweighs any perceived good from that period in your life. Replace every positive thought of the OW with that reminder.

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10


Posts: 2245 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

My therapist and I used to call her Hurricane J. We havent even talked about her in a year.. That makes me LOL. I think it's because my wife brought her up last night telling me how much SHE missed her. Totally f**ked up situation. I had a sister wives thing going on. What a mess that was.

When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

I think that sometimes when we go there in our heads, it's because we are looking for the feeling of the escape. The escape from our everyday lives, from the humdrum stuff.

My IC at the time told me it wasn't OM that I missed, it was the feelings that the A elicited in me.

After everything, I realized that the everyday stuff was the good stuff, that you can make happiness anywhere in any situation.

I replaced the A activities and high with positive behaviors and attitudes in my everyday 'real' life. Those are the things that sustain me now. there anything going on with you that you think you need to be looking at? Anything that's going on that you're dissatisfied with or unhappy about and the thoughts of OW are your default thought process? You need to mindfully go back to your healthy thought processes, and not use thoughts of OW for the escape.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38190 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Does your wife understand that mental NC is essential for both of you?

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️

Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

My wife...ha. She still pines over the OW's little girl. She refuses to get help. I dunno how much longer she can go on like this. I beg her to get help. I think she suffers from PTSD caused by all of the pain and trauma my behavior caused her. Honestly, she needs help. We dont make love, we dont sleep in the same room. She doesn't "trigger" anymore. I am an open book for her as I have nothing to hide. I would never cheat on her again... I would divorce he first. I just dont know how to help her anymore. She and my friend B have been talking about the OW and the messed up situation I created lately. I'm sure that's what triggered this nonsense. I havent even thought about OW in at least 6 months. Feeling this way today really pisses me off.

ETA: And you are right, I dont miss OW, she was a nightmare mess. I just miss the way I felt when I was with her.

[This message edited by Forever_Sorry at 12:57 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 6