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User Topic: feeling strange today
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Not sure on the day, feeling off or non feeling. Reading lots about digging deeper. as to the why the behavoir and the A, Which ultimately is a behavoir which I see comes from many different feelings and way I deal with stress , confrontation bad feelings toward myself. I now my childhood has a lot to do with the feeling worthless and used and not trusting people. But is it part of my resentment to. Is that what caused me to feel resentful towards my BH? I am in IC but I don't know if its getting me anywhere. Am I not asking him the right question am I just floundering around. Another question. We are suppose to supportive to our BS and still be real. well how do you do that with a smile when it is fake. That's not real. Im sad I want to cry to when he is mad, sad hurt, anxious etc. Am I suppose to smile when I know he's having a bad day. When the pain is in his face! What do I do. Im confused, I want to be there and do the right thing to be supportive to be sounding board. But I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I know he has said for me to just go on with the day, help with distractions, smile and not to react to him, we both react to each others moods. If I wake up sad or frustrated he goes there too. If he wakes up a certain way then I go that direction as well.
He says he needs a break from talking about and discussing it all the time. Is that wrong. Urrgg I really don't want to screw up now I really believe we can be together. As we both want to be here and we both love each other.

[This message edited by Joanh at 5:54 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 309 | Registered: Apr 2013
housenotahome
Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

BS here. I hope you don't mind.
We are suppose to supportive to our BS and still be real. well how do you do that with a smile when it is fake. That's not real. Im sad I want to cry to when he is mad, sad hurt, anxious etc. Am I suppose to smile when I know he's having a bad day. When the pain is in his face! What do I do
Just be genuine. Its ok. Its what I look for. Fake smiling is never appropriate. Try not to mirror his feelings and think of it as unity. He is going to be in a bad state of mind for quite a while, and you're allowed to be sad about it. I can tell you're feeling frustration and maybe a little anger. Be careful not to direct those emotions towards your BS unless the reason is that he is being abusive. You may be feeling these emotions towards yourself, so face it and embrace it. Remember why he is hurting and accept it for what it is. He doesn't want to feel this way and he may not be doing it to punish you. If he is, he needs to discuss this coping mech with his IC, but remember his pain is real and so is yours.As far as your IC goes, be honest and tell them what you would like to get out of therapy. Give them something to work with. They need to know every detail of your life in order to help you. It helps them if you tell them the problems that preceded the M, let alone the A. The past is usually the key to finding out why we are fucked up(both BS and WS). A lot of us have a hole in us in a mysterious shape that no one can fill. You have to figure out that shape(mom, dad, substance abuse, dysfunction, bullies, abuse of any kind, etc). Most of us have this hole. Some call it a root. The difference is how we deal with this root through our coping mechanism(escapism, instant gratification, accountability, etc.). I know how simplistic and generic this could sound, especially if the problems go deeper. A good therapist will ask you about your past, especially childhood.If your therapist is not doing it for you, find another one. I went through 3 of them myself. Be patient and gentle with yourself and your BS.


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

I went through three IC's myself. By the last one, I had figured out what I needed to bring to the table, and he was also just really good at putting the various pieces together over the months that I saw him. It takes time.

I agree with housenotahome, that you need to be genuine. While smiling may not be genuine, it can help you to start a pattern, to get used to things that are or have been uncomfortable to you in the past. So, maybe fake smiling is the wrong way to look at it or the wrong term. Obviously, you aren't going to fake smile if he's mad, but you can be genuine and present with that emotion.

Fake it till you make it...it is something that can help you to break your normal patterns. And those normal patterns are probably a result of what you learned as a kid. As much as everyone likes to think they are good parents, there is going to be something that happens that is probably going to require IC for our kids when they get older. I say that half-jokingly...but given that my childhood was pretty normal, my parents are still together after almost 50 years, and I've never done drugs or been arrested (I know...there are a ton of other things out there...), I feel like I should be as stable as anyone else, yet I'm a WH too. And it came down to how I developed coping mechanisms to deal with my fears that I learned as a child. Changing that involved IC, being open to the possibility that I was screwed up and that my coping mechanisms were what got me into trouble, and faking it through when I wasn't feeling it sometimes.

Another thing...your BH has told you some very specific things that he needs/wants from you. My BW did that too, and at first I resisted thinking that what she needed wasn't going to work for me. That is where I started to trust that she was right, and that she knew better than me what the best path forward was going to be. That didn't mean that I didn't do some things my way, or that I gave up all control of my life, but in learning to trust someone who is willing to love me after all of the hurt I've piled on them, I've learned that it's okay to give up control over the outcome. And it's worked so far. (I hate to caveat this...but sometimes a BS's path forward is not the right one. You need to be honest with yourself though, is it that the BS is wrong, or that you are afraid of the change in yourself.)


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Thank you for the support and thots,


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 309 | Registered: Apr 2013
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

"He says he needs a break from talking about and discussing it all the time. Is that wrong."

I don't think this is wrong at all. My H and I were both emotionally exhausted after talking about the A on a daily basis. Fortunately, we had a vacation planned already and agreed that we would not discuss the A during it. Instead we focused on us and starting to rebuild the intimacy that was lacking in our relationship. And after our vacation, we felt refreshed and closer.
Are we fixed? Absolutely not, but we are moving forward everyday, taking it in baby steps.
Maybe you could find time to get away, even just for a weekend, to focus on your M and not the A.

[This message edited by bookjunkie at 8:29 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
Topic Posts: 5