User Topic: I see affairs
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Real or imagined everywhere now. New stage in recovery and reconciliation for me at least. I have shared this week with my H that my boss' recent distress was infidelity related and he is very troubled these days and ...

Tonight, at the movies, there was a lady, my age, who was so excited and obviously happy. Dressed with some care, everything was either denim or silver, she spent time on her hair. And, I thought ooh first date...and then she ran into her friend. He did not stay to get introduced, she said he is from out of town and then I WANT to run tell her in the worst way...make sure he is not married.

Oh honestly....need to focus on me/ us, not speculate, realize this is old. Old testament old.

So I guess tonight the movie was not the trigger but there is still no escaping this shit.

The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 372 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 11th (Saturday)


I feel ya. I wonder if we'll always read into things like this?

I get some comfort in the fact that as often as these thoughts may crop up, they get less and less of an audience in my head.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17851 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Yes you're not alone. It changes the way you see everything...

Posts: 214 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

I know, it sucks. I even look at happy families and wonder if they have experienced infidelity.

Every time I see a couple in Starbucks I wonder if they are actual AP's.

And I always check to see if both people are wearing their wedding ring, and if not I assume they are cheating or have been cheated on.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

I was at a cookout yesterday and there was this couple with 2 small kids. She plays sports with different men from work. When I asked the husband if he played on the team as well...he said, no Friday night is guys night!

The first thing that came to my mind they both cheat on each other??

I don't think in a million years that would have been my first thought before Dday!

Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

Oh I LIKE this. Thanks for sharing and me feel less jaded and less of a party-pooper. I absolutely hate it when these thoughts creep in and I get the " look".

Helps to share here

The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 372 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

I know what you mean. The other day I was driving past a house on a late Friday afternoon. A man was out washing/ vacuuming his car . The vacuum was being used in the back seat. Immediately, I think, "Oh he's going to go pick up OW and can't have evidence of kid's Cheerios in the back seat." I don't even know this guy or if he's even married. Why couldn't I just think it was someone cleaning their car?

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 12th (Sunday)

We were on a little family getaway back in March. We were driving out of the resort and there was a man standing in the middle of the golf course with his dog (course was not open yet).

He was on his cell.

I thought: He's calling the Ow under the guise of walking his dog.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 13th (Monday)

Wow! It's nice to hear I'm not alone in these thoughts.

Whenever I see a seemingly happily married couple, especially those with a young child, walking through the park or just taking a stroll as a family, I sometimes catch myself saying to myself, "Man, if only he knew what he was in store for when he finds out his W is cheating on him". It's crazy, because I have absolutely no basis for thinking those thoughts. It's not like I know either of them in any way, but I just see them, see how happy and innocent they look (and likely are!), and can't help but think, "while she is walking with him and their child, I bet she is daydreaming about her OM".

These thoughts have somewhat subsided over the month or so, but I do catch myself thinking it still.

Interestingly, I seem to think this very little, if at all, when the couple appears childless or doesn't seem that physically close to one another (i.e., if they are just walking side-by-side, with no physical contact).

So strange.. Oh well. Par for the course, I guess.

ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 13th (Monday)

Taking the dogs for a walk while waiting in a huge line at one of the "open call" vaccinations at a big pet store...

Went next door in a huge parking lot and saw a small car parked at the farthest point you could possibly park away from anything else (so no one will drive up on them). Two people inside - not all over each other, just "talking", but I couldn't get over the feeling that something wasn't right, so I stayed nearby, walking right past their car numerous times, until they got the message and left.

I figured that it was OM/WW out for a ride and their BS's were at home and they had no where else to go...

Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married

Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 13th (Monday)

I always wonder if every couple I see is going through or has gone through what I'm going through now. I hate that I can think that way about ppl I don't know . I look at happy couples with kids and I wonder if he is really happy with her or if he lets her think that .... I get angry when a married man looks at me and smiles. I think you dog!



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 13th (Monday)

I too see them everywhere - what sucks is when I think I see one and then some sort of "proof" is made known. Makes me wonder if any marriage isn't affected by this ;(

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 13th (Monday)

This one time my fiance and I were driving into the mall's parking lot and there was a middle aged couple who had parked their cars waaay in the back right next to each other and were making out like high school kids in between their cars. I told my SO: "Those mofos are cheating." He laughed at me, but I think I was right.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:18 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Member # 37308
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 13th (Monday)

Same for me. I see a happy couple and think to myself "Just wait, soon you will be as destroyed as the rest of us." And I am almost obsessive about looking at hands for rings now. If I see a couple and one is wearing a ring and the other isn't, I want to smash faces. I miss being able to just smile at someone in passing, without wondering who they are seeing on the side or who they have destroyed recently.

Me: BS
Him: WS (longroadahead22)
DDay #1: 10/23/12
DDay #2: 11/7/12
DDay #3: 2/9/13
Kids: 2 boys
R, trying our best

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 13th (Monday)

Oh yes, this is something that happens to many of us.

I think of it kind of like when people become parents. We develop or grow antennae and can sense things our kids are about to do or can reason through a lie before a confession.

I think these antennae are like another sense we develop as well and we are not so innocent about people any more. Our senses are heightened and I wonder if it comes from the acuteness of the pain, where we anticipate someone else's chances of having this type of pain and we begin to have tendancies to be more negative about people.

Our trust in people in's so ruined that for me, at least, no one is immune and now, they have to earn it. I can't just give it away any longer, whether stranger or friend.

NL (Neighbor Lady) now lives in this for her universe and it's a good example of what I don't want, where the families in our neighborhood and small town who are still intact, she reads really big problems into little ones, or any activities a husband does, she figures must be bad ones or leading up to something.

Life is not a bowl of cherries, is it?

Would we be better off having these antennae prior to the A's? Would we have caught something sooner?

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Immediately, I think, "Oh he's going to go pick up OW and can't have evidence of kid's Cheerios in the back seat."

and this:
told my SO: "Those mofos are cheating

Made me laugh out loud,,,,and its good to hear that again

But middle aged folks all over each other, not so good. H and I did sort out alot in the cab of his truck, just talking. For some reason, I could hold it together there long enough to make progress and not taint every room in the house.

The sad truth is I AM now attuned to off-relationships. (((Sigh))). It does suck

The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 372 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Me too!! I think every new father is cheating! So sad. Not all men are broken, just mine...

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Then it happens to all of us. I go jogging and see couples all over my neighborhood. All I can think of is, are they going through what I am. Which one is the bastard? All my WW can say is, I just want to get back to us. Get back to Happy. Well you sure screwed that pooch didn't you. That might have been a subconscious pun.......

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Called a woman a slut under my breath because I thought she was cheating. I was wrong. And I am ashamed of myself. I have never called a woman (except the OW) a slut in my entire life. I don't even really believe in sluts.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 19