Mm mind just won't slow down today, or yesterday for that matter. I keep remembering every hurt, I just can't seem to put it away. I am at work and I can't even focus.
I keep remembering, 8/23/12, two days after our 10th anniversary, that is when he started texting with her. Four weeks later, we went on our dream vacation, 2 weeks in California, horrific. He was texting her while he was right next to me! How can you do that? Text this stranger, and then look at your wife, it makes no sense to me. He would go to pick up take-out and not come back for 2 hours, blamed it on the parking, I believed him! I feel stupid and humiliated.
I keep remembering,after he left, she texted me. Telling me that "I know it must make you feel better to blame me but we both know that I am not the problem". She was right, she wasn't the problem, she was just a symptom of the illness. I want to tell her, you were right, you were only the symptom and now that the illness is being treated the symptoms go away. I am feeling angry that she texted me several times, being cruel, acting as if I were the one who did not belong. Acting as if she were the wife. Then I remember for a while he did chose her over me, he chose to be with her and leave me.
That is another thing making me crazy today. I heard the word mistake in a song today. Husband tells me this is the biggest mistake he has ever made. MISTAKE!!! A mistake is a math error, a mistake is when I walked into the mens room, (I did this recently), a mistake is accidental, this was not an accident, this was a choice. He chose to text her while sitting next to me, disregarding what it would do to me, his wife, the one he promised to love, respect, the one he lived with for 10 years. I just needed to get this out.
I keep thinking some of these thoughts should be gone by now. I just don't want this in my life, our history.
I have gone through some very difficult and painful experiences in my life. I used to tell him that if I had to go through that to get to my life with him it was all worth it, now that is no longer true. It feels as if it was all a lie."So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie