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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Kids are triggers
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 13th (Monday)

I know this is going to sound odd, and I don't understand it at all. When I am alone and I dwell on the death of M and what I thought would be my future with POS, I am incredibly sad, but I can't cry even though I feel like my life is over and I am in mourning. Yet, when my kids do or say something so incredibly sweet, I cry uncontrollably. When my DD wrote a sweet msg on my FB wall for Mother's Day, I broke down in tears just reading it (I am tearing up just thinking about it). What the hell is wrong with me??? This is so messed up!!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 13th (Monday)

I'm the same way.

I cry at the goodness aimed at me. It isn't something that I have come to expect from people. I don't know why I expect people to behave toward me like my XH did, but I do. When they behave with respect and kindness.. I become close to tears.

I think I am grateful for their kindness toward me when I don't feel worthy of that kindness.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5161 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 13th (Monday)

I am two years from DDay and I still cry whenever someone is kind to me or says anything even remotely kind. Including my kids. I can take almost anything except kindness & compassion.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I have been unable to cry over my STBX as well. I'm sad, of course, but I am just too disgusted by him to give him any tears.

I think I'm more focused on the kids and worried about the damage STBX has been causing to them, so when I see them thriving, it brings on the happy tears.

I don't think anything is wrong with you. You probably realize you are mourning something that wasn't real. It was a fantasy you wish you had, a person you thought you were with, so it's kind of silly to cry over something that wasn't real..

But your kids ARE real, and those relationships ARE real, and so I think your tears are almost a celebration of what is left of your life that is not a fantasy.

Congrats on raising a fabulous DD. She sounds wonderful

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 12:52 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

You are grieving, all kinds of things will trigger your sadness. Eventually this will pass. It all takes time unfortunately. Take one day at a time. ((Phoenix1))


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1348 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Yes, this is what happens to me, too. Kindness is very hard to accept and I don't understand it. Why do I get kindness from strangers and others, including DD and very young cousins, when the person I craved it most from tried to destroy my life after he helped me build it together with his?

I think I don't expect kindness anymore or right now, so when it comes, it's such a shock that it can still exist in this world. And do you any of you feel like it's double edged if it's not from a kid? I think the mistrust is very thick after DDay and not just about WSs. I think that As mess up a lot of our thinking about people and life in general, at least it did for me.

I also find that I have terrible trouble asking anyone for any help.

And you know, when kindness comes from a child, it's truly from the heart without anything hidden, KWIM? It's honest and raw and pure, which used to be with our WS, so maybe something in our subconscious is reminding us of that?

And I think maybe the tears we have for good things and kindness-again, at least for me-are a sign of greatfulness that kindness and thought still exist for me on this earth. I'm glad it does for all of you, too.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Jayne Doe
Member
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I'm going to add something else here to the discussion about kids being triggers.

My 23 year old. He was never a good father to her when she was growing up. Nothing bad - just nothing.
Now he is making up for it. Everything for her. Which is fine, and it's about f-ing time!! But, now I get to hear - Daddy this, Dad is going to help me with that, dad, dad, dad, daddy, dad.

I just want to scream. But I don't... just burn a slow burn inside.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Topic Posts: 7