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Reconciliation
User Topic: We Had "The Talk"
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Good morning, everyone!

I pray you all are doing very well or as best as you can be for whatever you may be going through today.

I truly hope today is better for everyone no matter what stage of R (or healing) you are in right now.

Well, H and I had "the talk" I mentioned I was going to have with him last week. I was trying to wait until we were alone on Saturday but H could sense I had something on my mind and wanted me to talk to him right away.

He was expecting our usual Q & A session. However, I was ready to let the past go and start focusing on today.

Before letting him know verbally that I was ready to release him for the offenses of the past and what that meant to me (not letting him off the hook in being accountable for today and our future together), I did ask him several more times if there was anything else I needed to know.

H stated he couldn't remember anything else that needed to be shared because he felt we discussed everything so far. However, I let him know that in moving forward, if anything is bought to my attention that he knew about and chose not to disclose, that I was done, because I am making every effort to move forward in this process with him and if he knowingly omitted anything, then it was over for us.

I also shared that if any more A of any kind take place, I am out....not up for discussion, none of that....I will not keep wasting my time on issues like these after dealing with so much and being together this long (16+ yrs). I am not getting younger and don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this. NO WAY!

Nevertheless, I think he is kind of numb and may not necessarily believe yet that I am done w/the digging of yesterday. However, I did make it known if I feel the need to dig regarding anything going on today or in the future, I am letting him know up front I will.

Well, I've been much happier and freer since having "the talk" with H on Friday evening. However, I am noticing that he is withdrawing more since I told him I forgave him.

We spent Saturday together for Mother's Day instead of Sunday bc our children were out w/close friends and we took advantage of that alone time but all day Sunday, he was acting weird.

He hasn't been sleeping well and was up till 1 in the morning last night. I feel like he is regressing a little now that I am moving forward.

He told me about a co-worker who commented before his group how "handsome" he looked as soon as I saw him yesterday and he told me that he told one of his FF that he would not be contacting her as much because he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, it seems like he's been in another world.

This morning, I found a note in the kitchen written in crayon with the month of August written on the top of the paper and his email account written underneath, w/the word, "Lord," as if he was writing out a prayer and I took a snapshot of the paper found and sent it to my surveillance email account.

I am a bit concerned bc the month of August is when he went NC with my fBFF 9 months ago and I am wondering if he is missing her.

Nevertheless, with how strange he's been acting the last few days, I am still choosing to keep my joy and focusing on building myself up and not allowing him to take me down the path of emotional hell I've been on. Yet, my guard is still up and I am not turning a blind eye to anything strange I am noticing.

I hope I am not reading into everything since I do have a way with doing that sometimes...and since the A, don't let anything go under the radar....but for the most part, I am glad I am able to move on within myself.

I think my moving forward is kind of leaving him to have to deal with his own self now that he doesn't have to fight with me about what's going on with me...or at least I hope so.

Nevertheless, I feel better releasing him and am watching as well to see how his behavior will be now that I am not on top of him (with all the questioning) like I used to be (even though I will question if something doesn't sit right with me now).

In this new phase, I feel to watch and learn him for where he is now, something I wasn't able to do before because of dealing w/all of the pain of the past.

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 5:18 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 176 | Registered: Feb 2013
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Update:

Spoke with H about the note I found...he was just doodling when speaking with a relative about a vacation we may take this summer and possibly around that time. So, that issue was confirmed. :)

Regarding the distant behavior: not feeling too well because of allergies...pollen is pretty crazy where we are and I know he has been congested the last few days...

I am choosing to believe the best and will keep putting my best foot forward.

Have a great day everyone!


Posts: 176 | Registered: Feb 2013
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Sounds like you guys had a great talk! Hopefully, it was just allergies.

We had a talk similar on DDay #2 last month. I told him that he had to cut off all of his bad-influence friends. He did. But he was a little moody for a few days after. He also got moody a few weeks later. Basically, he was having withdrawals from that type of life and social interaction - constant FB, Twitter, chatting.

I listened to him. Told him that I understood. That it's similar to an addiction. And then I purposefully engaged him in other activities to help take his mind off of those things. It seemed to help. He tells me now that he really doesn't miss that behavior anymore.

Keep your guard up. But enjoy this new chapter in your marriage. It can be good again!


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Thank you, TX! :)

I am having to learn how to renew my thinking during this stage I am at.

I am so used to thinking the worst and then the best (as a defense mechanism so whatever blow won't hurt too bad), that this is one habit that's kind of hard (but not impossible) to break.

I've gone through a lot in life and am not one who easily sees the glass half full.

I am truly learning how to do that at this stage of my life (approaching middle age).

I guess better late than never. Right? :)

My H is usually the one who expects the best in others even when evil approaches him and slaps him upside the head.

I don't know if I want to go that far but I do know that I want to be more positive (w/out walking in denial or rugsweeping) about whatever is going on in my life.

Everything he says so far has checked out. So, I am going to keep looking up and doing my best to retrain my thinking. My head is already there...just may take a little while before my heart plays catch up. :)

Have a great day, TX. :)


Posts: 176 | Registered: Feb 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Hi h0peful! :)

I couldn't help but to smile a little. I kind of thought it seemed worse than it really was...

Glad he wanted to talk right away, it shows he's dedicated to you and R.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 year+ false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 and for good Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.

Posts: 909 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 5