User Topic: Should I find out details of A?
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

It's nearly 4 months since DDay and xWS and I separated in February as he never came clean and was still lying. You can read my profile.

Anyway 2 weeks ago I was at at low point and I texted him a few angry questions and he confessed something back in an angry manner (that is the only time I get any truth out of him is by backing him into a corner!). He did ask then how many details do I need to know to move on and stop torturing myself. He then said he would write everything down for me to read. The thing is I don't know if he will be honest enough to write everything down truthfully, he hasn't been honest so far? He also claims to have confessed everything to his mother.

Also, I'm not sure whether it would help me have closure and move on or make things worse?

I've been feeling really low as I'm exhausted from looking after two small children, my youngest is ill again and it's such hard work. Being tired always makes me feel low. And yesterday I was looking at pictures from when we went travelling as I wanted to print some nice ones to put in my new home, but, I came across a few nice ones of us together which sent me over the edge. It was during that trip that he asked me to marry him.
Can anyone advise me?

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

In time the details won't matter.

I understand the need to know. I was tortured by it myself for a long time.

Truth is I'll never get the truth. And I'm OK with that. What I do know is enough - more than enough.

Knowing won't give you closure - you won't find out some sordid detail and hit a eureka moment... aha, THAT is why he did it!

He did it because he could. Who the OW is is inconsequential - if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. Anyone else, anyone without an ounce of integrity, that is - just as broken and fucked up as them.

I no longer care for details. I've accepted my truth.

My husband cheated on me and blew my family apart. He lied, gaslighted and TTd the fuck out of me. He looked right into my eyes and ripped my heart out and tried to set it alight.

He betrayed our vows, his promises to me, my trust.

I betrayed myself. I tolerated so much less than anyone deserves.

I accept my truth. His truth is irrelevant to me now.

Don't stay in limbo too long friend. It will make you crazy.

Its up to you as to how painful this has to get.

You're only very early into this friend. I promise it won't hurt this bad forever. Stick to hardcore NC. Post here when you get the urge and take the 2x4s which will be swung with love.

We've all been there. We don't want you to walk the same path. But your path is your own. You'll know when you've had enough. Just make sure not to lose too much of yourself between now and then.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I only know what I read from one string of text messages that I found. I know that he lied and cheated on me. I know that the affair started in August.

When I ask mutual friends how he is doing, I am slammed into more pain. When I check up on him, I am slammed into more pain. When I saw the two of them together, I was slammed into more pain.

There is a part of me that wants to know more, the details but I know that just finding out that he has planted a vegetable garden at the house, slams me into pain. So, for now, I need to have distance from all that. I can't take any more pain, so I am very careful to protect myself.

I feel like I don't have a lot of choice or control over what is going on in my life right now. Wiser woman have told me that I need total NC to start to heal. So, for me that means no more snooping, no more tracking where he is, where he is spending his money. I have had a lot of slips in NC and each time I do, I slam into more pain.

The only contact I have made with him pertained to moving my son's things out of the marital home. Once I did that, he started to text me over other things. I ended up changing my phone numbers and blocking his emails, to give me some distance and peace.

It is hard because I want to make sense of this. I know I will not get the truth from him, he blames me for everything, and he is in the fog.

I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Dindy, to be very honest, he won't be doing himself any favors financially by spilling his guts all over the table. Coming clean at this stage of the game will not benefit him at all - and with these cheaters, it's ALWAYS all about saving their own skin.

Handing you a list of all his dirty deeds at this point is like handing you the bullets to put in the chamber of the gun aimed at him - if you get divorced, he's just handed you a ton of concrete evidence to nail his ass to the wall.

I just don't see the point in him coming clean when you've been separated this long with no talk of reconciliation on the table.

At this point, I'd take anything he has to say with a huge grain of salt.

I hope you feel better soon...

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

You have to be prepared for all the details/information. You will feel worse - sadness, angry, rage. It may be too much information, but once you hear it, you can't unhear it.

Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

No don't find out details knowing about the affair is heart breaking enough why torture yourself anymore.
He's weak and pathetic and she's a whore going with a married man but some woman see you have a nice life and struggle getting their own guy so go after yours.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Thank you for your replies.
Fortunately we are not married and we are managing (just!) to keep things amicable for the children.
I've decided that I'm not going to bother reading the details. I did think it would help me to get closure but I don't believe xWS can even be honest in that.
I'm struggling with NC due to having children, and when I'm feeling tired I have texted him to search for answers. I had a really good chat with a friend last night and I'm now going to email xWS at 9am and state that from now on during the week we only contact each other through email during office hours. He can still phone his son in the evenings and if either of our children are ill then it is ok to text to check up on them. He did text at 11.15 last night asking about our daughter, I've not responded.
I'm already feeling so much stronger today. :)

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

More than not, the details were lies and half truths. If you're not in R, probably not worth pursuing.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

My husband cheated on me and blew my family apart. He lied, gaslighted and TTd the fuck out of me. He looked right into my eyes and ripped my heart out and tried to set it alight.

He betrayed our vows, his promises to me, my trust.

I betrayed myself. I tolerated so much less than anyone deserves.

I accept my truth. His truth is irrelevant to me now.

Don't stay in limbo too long friend. It will make you crazy.

Exactly that!

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I saw 12,000 text messages and basically had a breakdown.

It was enough for me. I couldn't see the dialog - att didn't provide with subpoena. But it was enough to finally believe it.

A smart friend who's been thru this, told me the way she "recovered" was that the X never got to see her. That was her goal. So, NC and he can't "see" you. It really helps me alot.

That said, if you look in the healing library, there is I think it's called joseph's letter explaining why it is so important for us to know everything.

If I think about it, it drives me crazy when and how they set all the meetings up --especially bc we were all friends. But, when I start to "go there" I look online at someplace close but out of town I can take my children when school gets out.

We all need to get away and planning puts "them" out of my mind...

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:05 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2260 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 39267
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Trust me honey, knowing the truth (or at least his version of it) will not make you feel better. I hacked my x's phone and was getting all of the text messages between him and his 22 year old soul mate for a month. I have all of the details, including a picture of her.
I thought I would feel better knowing what a douchebag he is but I was wrong. It actually made me feel worse. I was consumed with anger but at the same time could not stop myself from reading them everyday.
What did make me feel a ton better was seeing a therapist (highly recommended). The woman literally saved my sanity.
Even if he claims that he will write down all of the details for you, you can bet that it won't be the entire truth. He will only tell you what he wants you to know.

Sending you lots of hugs, stay strong.

Sometimes you have to stand alone, just to make sure you still can.

Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

You have to be prepared for all the details/information. You will feel worse - sadness, angry, rage. It may be too much information, but once you hear it, you can't unhear it.

I totally agree with this. And once you see it, you can't unsee it. (Really wish I hadn't looked through his deleted pictures. I would give anything to unsee that closeup of her twat )

But what if I found out they went to Burger King together? Do I stop going to Burger King? Will it trigger me now? I shouldn't have any reason to not go there, but if I knew that, it might give me problems.. I'd rather not have ever known. Maybe I have to live with still being naive about things that happened, but I think I'm going to heal A LOT faster without so many triggers and memories holding me back..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2400 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 27861
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, May 17th (Friday)

I don't think hearing the details is healthy for anyone. You have already suffered the blow of infidelity; you do not need to hear the play by play.
Protect yourself from anymore heartache. Focus instead on doing whatever it takes to heal the damage already done.
Good luck.

If you love something and hurt it dearly, then chose not to fix never deserved it in the first place.

Posts: 3603 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Michigan
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, May 17th (Friday)

I think we want details to find out the 'why'. We want to know why we were no longer good enough or something.

I think details do damage too and if your WS isn't forthcoming, it's probably better not to push. It's funny; my now XH was so protective of her and their crap...which I found ridic considering what she (and subsequently shared with her XBH) knew about ME and our kids, but I'm glad I didn't know a whole lot know...5 yrs later because I mostly don't give a shit anymore!

Sometimes speculation is rough, but I think facts could be worse.

My advice is to print some of those photos you like; they were shared memories but they were also YOUR memories. Make you house your home now.

You are tired and will be until those kids are like 30...but put comfort around you. So what if XH was there, he isn't in the photo you know?

Posts: 14400 | Registered: Jun 2008
Topic Posts: 14