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User Topic: "If I don't date, I don't get hurt" Your thoughts?!
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Cool  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Hey gang,

So now I am thinking... "If I don't date, I won't get hurt."

I am curious as to how do you guys feel about that in your personal lives...

Thanks as always!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 10:24 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

That's where I am right now. The only problem with it is that you have to work hard to stay busy so you don't get lonely.

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I feel that way right now also. Still working through a lot of hurts, and right now it just doesn't seem worth it. It is lonely, but it's safe.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Here is the deal (my IC said this and he is right),

Love always ends in hurt.


Therefore to keep from hurting you have to stop loving people. You have to emotionally shut down to avoid hurt, but there is no way to do this except to remove Happiness too.

I think what you need to do is to

1) Understand what you want in a partner
2) Look back on past relationships, establish what were the bad things and dig to see if you remember red flags about those things earlier in the relationship that you chose to ignore
3) Proceed when ready and do so cautiously. Look for red flags. Note them. Break it off it isn't the one.

Life is about the journey, so don't sit on the sidelines. Date or don't date but get stuck on the sidelines of life.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52534 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Thank you guys! Great words of wisdom my twin (you know who you are)


I think it's safest to not date...but curious about how others feel about that statement

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 10:50 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

To not love is to deny the Divine which exists in all of us.

What I've discovered is it all depends on the level of hurt I can handle if the relationship doesn't go where I though it would.

I've learned through all this that I can handle a TON of hurt and survive. So I'm willing to explore a relationship with someone knowing I can handle it if it doesn't work.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6578 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

it's ok to not date "for now" or to not date because you are otherwise fulfilled by your moment in time...but if you are trying to avoid getting hurt, there is no way around this:

You have to emotionally shut down to avoid hurt, but there is no way to do this except to remove Happiness too.

i've done it. in fact i even shut out all my friends at the time, since in my tender early 20s, i'd been betrayed more by friends and family than boys just yet. there were two things that i learned from that experience:

1) i am capable of betraying and wounding myself in my solitude as much as any outsider ever could.

2) when i finally wanted to reach out to someone for help or comfort or connection, i felt like no one really knew me, like i had to give them some tremendous back story, all of which occurred under their noses, in my private world.

staying open, at least to a certain degree, is the challenge of all NB. at this time, perhaps for you it's most important that you stay open to the idea of a fulfilling and great time that simply doesn't include dating, instead of having to vigorously "not-date." it's a subtle energy shift for me, maybe others can't sense it. openness in one place in your life tends to lead to openness elsewhere, very naturally.

lots of NBs hurt when they get rough....not just the romantic ones.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I agree that hurt is everywhere... even in trying to avoid it.

So really... do what feels right and good for you and yours, be it dating or not dating or basket weaving or whatever. Life happens, hurt happens. It's just the roll of the dice.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15411 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
tennispro4
Member
Member # 27842
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Definitely crossed my mind. But then I found this quote on here. Sorry, I don't remember what it was from, who posted it or who the author of the quote is, just wanted to share.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart."


I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Mar 2010
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

If you are in that mindset, you are right not to date. You will end up with the wrong sort if you expect to be let down and are just afraid of being alone. A period of self reliance will do wonders and maybe someday the idea of getting hurt again won't be so scary.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

EW,

I hope you are just considering a break rather than ruling our dating all together. I'd suggest a rest and that when the right person comes along you will know but right now focus on yourself.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

You can't appreciate the beauty and happiness without experiencing some pain.

Live your life so that at the end there are no regrets. And you only regret the things you did NOT do.

Take a break - hell don't date at all, but not because you are afraid of pain. Living in fear is no life at all.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7735 | Registered: Aug 2005
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Love and loss are two sides of the same coin. I've just lost my beloved mother, four years ago my husband of 24 years said he loved someone else, and the man I love now has a serious heart condition and appears to be pushing me away. Would I be happier and lead a full life with none of these people or events? No, no no. Take time to recover from the pain of infidelity and separation/divorce, but then if you meet someone else who sets the spark alight, don't turn your back on it.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

No risk, now reward.

I feel that everyone is sent into my life for a reason. They may not be in my life forever, but what I learn from them could benefit my future relationships.

I do not pin my happiness on the hopes that a man will love me someday. I provide my own happiness - the people in my life add to it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I think it's a natural place to be in after a breakup from a long-term relationship, particularly one caused by infidelity.

That's where I still am and may be for a while now. I'm looking forward to dating but I know that I'm nowhere near ready to open myself up to another relationship.

My heart is still healing, the last thing it needs is another injury.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I'm with gahurts - if you're concerned, take a break. Your breakup was not long ago, give yourself the time you need and proceed when ready. I'm doing the same thing now. ((EW)) Keep in touch lady.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

You can also live in a sterile bubble and never get sick or injured, but what kind of life is that?

Get yourself in a good place mentally and emotionally and see what happens. It's not like you have to make a decision about the rest of your life.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20272 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I sort of feel that way, but at the same time, I am not ready at all.

Too afraid to get hurt to trust again.

And when I am ready, really how am I going to meet Mr. wonderful?

-I don't like the bar scene.
-I think there's lots of weirdo's in Online dating.
- could get complicated at work
-Catholic Church - uh no chance, just families and older people
- So really where is one suppose to go find that Mr. Wonderful?

Basically, I'm screwed (well no).... Lol


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

My marriage ended 10 years ago. I was asked out shortly after he left, and I said yes. That relationship ended and another began shortly after that. That relationship lasted 8 years. it ended last year (may 15). I haven't dated since.

I need time with me and my kids for awhile. And to put my heart back into one piece... letting the scar tissue heal into a stronger bond.

One day I will be ready... till then I'll date myself... and find things I like to do.

I am open to friendships... and that is good enough for me right now.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
bpositive
Member
Member # 5981
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

True, but very simplistic.

Will you let your life be ruled by what someone else MIGHT do to you? Or will you live your life, love, maybe get hurt or disappointed, but have confidence in the knowledge that your capacity to heal and recover is greater than someone else's ability to dictate how you live your life?

I prefer to live my life open hearted and full of confidence that I can survive anything.


"If you're happy and you know it..."
1 in 3 US women die of heart disease. Take charge of your health and your life!

Posts: 6307 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: breathe.
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

jackie:

-Catholic Church - uh no chance, just families and older people

Not true. You'd be surprised at how many singles/divorced people are active and involved at church. Check into the activities that are going on there (even/especially the ones not geared towards divorce or meeting people). I bet you'd find out that there are quite a few people to meet who could become friends, or more.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

-Catholic Church - uh no chance, just families and older people

Jackie,

Talk to your pastor - you can start a group of parents without partners, single parents etc... to go do things with or without kids...

My church's youth group was full of single parents... when the kids group met.. the parents did too it was fun.

I miss that group. my kids are older and not in youth group anymore.

Maybe I need to talk to my pastor about a singles group.
Hmm...
Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Whilst I'm still not unbroken? I agree with the statement.

When I'm healthy? No. Yes the walls shut out the bad but they can also shut out the good.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

You guys are so full of great advice and I have to admit...you 'all (gee, I have lived in TX for waaay too long ) are right about not just shutting down. But I feel that I got hurt...bad. Very bad. Twice. Once by my ex-h of 17 years and then next by my bf of 4 years...Yeah, the one that everyone warned me about. Which reminds me...
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME WHILE I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I REALLY NEEDED IN LIFE.
I digress...
So I just want to thank everyone. I hurt for each and everyone one of us here, we ALL (and yes, that inc. the waywards here on SI) we all have beeen hurt, I guess it is part of life.

For now, I think I will do ME.

Yeah, yeah that's it! I will do ME!

Thanks SI, you guys are just amazing!
I just love this place, we rock y'all, WE ROCK!


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Sue1964
Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Yep I'm so with u I feel I will never date again.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
josie11
Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I'm on board with the no dating ever again plan.

Never in this lifetime do I want to feel that kind of pain again.

I love my children, my mother, and my siblings. That's enough love to last a lifetime.


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 395 | Registered: Mar 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Exit Wounds,

This showed up on my newsfeed tonight. I thought of you and this thread.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

love that quote!

There is a psychologist/buddhist author who speaks to this very eloquently. His name is David Richo and he's written a book called The Things We Cannot Change and te Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.

He says that the givens in life are:
1. Everything Changes and Ends
2. Things Do Not Always Go According to Plan
3. Life is Not Always Fair
4. Pain is a Part of Life
5. People are not Loving and Loyal all the Time.

It's a beautifully written book and I recommend it.

Any relationship even a perfect match made in heaven is going to end and we will probably experience pain unless we are both killed instantly together. But then others will feel pain.

In my mind all pain is not the same and I especially try to eliminate gratuitous pain, like the pain from putting up with a mate who has no consideration for us.

Exit, you had your share of inconsiderate men for a while. I hope you can take time for self exploration and development before getting into your next relationship. The first person who must show sensitivity and consideration for you is you.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 8:47 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5853 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Agree.

I choose not to put myself out there and one of the reasons is to avoid hurt because I do feel like it's just a matter of time that someone will let you down.

I feel like people are just different now; not only SO but family, friends...everyone's so selfish. I am too even.

Now, I truly haven't started dating mostly because of my kids. I want to feel like they are 'settled' before I can 'settle' myself. I feel like that's my main goal right now. They're only young once and I feel like I have a lot of living left to do - so taking some time for them now is important.



Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 17th (Friday)

I think the potential for hurt lies in all relationships, not just "dating" ones. So in order not to be hurt, will you sever ALL ties?


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 17th (Friday)

In my mind all pain is not the same and I especially try to eliminate gratuitous pain, like the pain from putting up with a mate who has no consideration for us.

Love this IL. I need to remember this.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 17th (Friday)

Innerlight
Exit, you had your share of inconsiderate men for a while

Yes, thank you for that sentence. It is true the last two men in my life, (being my ex-h of 17 years and my ex-bf of 4 years both hurt me...both were very selfish and at the end, God watched out for me, where I could not watch out for myself.

Lady Q as far as getting hurt by "all" relationships vs just the dating ones....
I think dating is kind of trivial compared to the relationship you have with your kids for example. So my kids will hurt me but they are my kids and I will get through it and still be their mom. If a bf hurts me,(deeply), then it's like WTF? What did I do to deserve this?! So I will shield myself from that kind of hurt.

Kajem,
thanks, you made me smile

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 12:45 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 17th (Friday)

Ah, I see. Fwiw, I think there's not any harm in NOT dating, especially if you still feel vulnerable to that kind of pain. It actually seems healthier to me than dating because "it's time" or any of the other excuses we humans tend to use...


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 33