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Just Found Out
User Topic: He asked her to Marry him!
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Well, some of you may have seen my post yesterday about OW's father finding the post I put on Cheaterville. Long story Short, she emailed me and was asking me to remove it. I used that request as leveredge to open the door and ask some questions. Boy did I get some answer!!!

I have been getting nothing but tickle truth and BS half ass lies. He actually asked her to marry him. She sent me the text. They were together way more than he ever admiited and she had actually been traveling with him, spending the night etc.

According to her, they were together every second they could be and living like a married couple out of hotel room.

I'm numb. he finally admitted everything she was saying was true. His explanation, it was just a game and he had no intention of leaving me, marrying her or anything like that.

Oh and they've been in contact since Dday.

If we didn't have extenuating circumstances with our daughter, I'd be OUT.

I'm in 180 mode and he has a to-do list. I have little to no faith at this point. Maybe he'll shock me. I shouldve know it was never going to be easy.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Ugh, FTG

I am so sorry. At first I thought she was bs'ing you. But he confirmed.

(((hugs))) That really sucks.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

(((hugs))) I''m so sorry.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4550 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry. I never believed he was being honest with you, so I'm not surprised. Take care of you. You definitely don't deserve this.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13644 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I can't even imagine! What is the MATTER with these people?

I don't think I would ever be able to look at him again. Did you ask him how he even looks at himself in the mirror every morning?

I am so unbelievably sorry.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

He's probably being honest when he says the thing he had with OW was just a "game" - but unfortunately, since he's been still in contact since DDay, it's obvious that your relationship is also a "game" ...

Time to declare "Game Over" and pull your piece from the playing board. I'd lock up the bank too so no passing Go, no collecting $200 for his rotten ass.

So sorry you're going through this. Please do the 180 ASAP and start caring for YOU! Your WS sounds like a big selfish, deluded narcissist and I hope you can start focusing on YOU and don't let his lies and B.S. sweep you back in.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

It may have been a game but they were playing with your very real heart.
I'm sorry.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Anyone who things that playing a game like that is okay, isn't a good or safe person to carry in your heart. I'm so sorry.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I am stunned by all that she has revealed. He still is swearing he never meant it. That he told her what ever he needed to to keep her in bed. She has pictures of my home, described my bed spread from pictures he sent her. It's now in the garbage.

I can't post much right now. I feel sick. I'm dizzy and my world is never going to be right.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

GAH!

OMG, Chef. I am so sad at hearing this news. I was rooting for you to make it out of this with no new hurts. GAH!!!

I am so sorry. Try to breathe, I know that your head is spinning.

Why do these WH think its a game? If its a game it sure is a cruel one.

Hang in there. We are still rooting for you.

And I hope you keep the cheaterville post up. Skeevee Skank!

Strength and light to you.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Well the truth may suck but at least you have it. Listing her on Cheatervile was a good move on your part. I have to say, I am surprised you got so much from her by removing the listing. Wow! I'm sorry. I know it sucks. But still, now you know the truth. Honestly, without the truth, you could not forgive him for what he really did. Not without even know what it was. He would have always have known that he hadn't really earned your forgiveness. Now he has a chance to earn it... If you let him live long enough. Can I hate him with you for awhile? I am in a situation where I know for a fact my WH hasn't told me the whole truth. The lies are so outrageous they're almost funny. It is keeping me from moving forward. As much as what you're going through sucks, like starting over again with a completely different story, at least you can make fully informed decisions now.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 8:44 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Wow! I am impressed at your tenastity. As badly as you are hurting now, at least you know the depths he sunk to. Now you can heal since you finally have the truth. I cannot get answers from my FWH. All I have gotten over 20 months is "I don't remember". I have been inspired by you and tomorrow I am going to put OW and her picture on Cheaterville. Maybe when she finds out about it, she will give me the answers too in order to get me to take it down. You are a role model to me. Thank you Chefj9.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Your husband tells people (you and other women and probably every other person in his life) whatever they want to hear in order to get what he wants.

Been there. Done that. OMG.....I'm not going to allow myself to post my thoughts on your situation. But MediumRare pretty much summed it up. Forget the 180....


Time to declare "Game Over" and pull your piece from the playing board.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

lieshurt
- neither did I, that's why I took the opportunity when I could. I knew that she couldn't wait to talk to me. I was in my own world of denial, but my gut knew I didn't know everything... not even close.

MediumRare - Time to declare "Game Over" and pull your piece from the playing board. I'd lock up the bank too so no passing Go, no collecting $200 for his rotten ass.

I am putting myself first. This man is so sick, he breaks my heart. I am sick by what I now know, but at least now I can actually start to move forward. And if this hadn't happened, there would never be any chance of R. He would have gotten caught with her again and that would have been it. Game over. He had started a new role on the West Coast and she had already purchased tickets to go out there to be with him. His explanation "I did everything I could to stop it, except say dont' come". So in order to avoid telling her the truth and not to come, he went on medical leave (for also valid reasons), and is now permantly home. For some reason, he doesn't want her, but he can't stay away.

SoVerySadNow

It may have been a game but they were playing with your very real heart.

Yes and it is shattered, but I am a person of great forgiveness, tenacity, and empathy. This will not break me and it will not define me. I won't let it. I have to fight my way back to who I was and am. I am praying that he fights as hard for himself and for us. He has too, or we won't be together.

Getting to Happy -

OMG, Chef. I am so sad at hearing this news. I was rooting for you to make it out of this with no new hurts. GAH!!!

If I'm honest, I knew there were more hurts to come. I just didn't know to what extent. The things she shared, I can't even share here. It's too much.

Ladyogilvy -

Honestly, without the truth, you could not forgive him for what he really did. Not without even know what it was. He would have always have know that he hadn't really earned your forgiveness. Now he has a chance to earn it... If you let him live long enough. Can I hate him with you for awhile? I am in a situation where I know for a fact my WH hasn't told me the whole truth. The lies are so outrageous they're almost funny. It is keeping me from moving forward. As much as what ou're going through sucks, like stating over again with a completely different story, at least you can make fully informed decisions now.

It's finally a relief in a weird way to know that I now really KNOW. I now know what I'm trying to recover and heal from. And I now know the depth of his illness. Today, I'm sad for all 3 of us. Him, me and her... I'll be making another post soon about the OW. So sad...

BB59 -

I have been inspired by you and tomorrow I am going to put OW and her picture on Cheaterville. Maybe when she finds out about it, she will give me the answers too in order to get me to take it down.

OK, once you post it, let it sit... go back every now and then and add a comment and as much proof that you're willing to put out there. My post wasout there for 3 months. She had over 25 thousand views and over 8000 votes before someone found it and told her. Also, please note that once it's there and you remove it later, it's still in google and until google refreshes, it'll pop on the first page if someone just googles the name. It's hard to permantly remove...LOL There is also a way to email people anonymously to make them aware of the post. But let the post marinate for a while... the more views she sees it has, the scary it is. Also be aware, that she could post you or your WS there. It's difficult to get down 100%. Good luck, I hope you get your truth.

GonnaBe -

Your husband tells people (you and other women and probably every other person in his life) whatever they want to hear in order to get what he wants.

Yep! He is without a doubt a PDN. So is his mother, he was trained and groomed by the best. Pray for him... he needs help. I will recover, he may not. PDN is one of the hardest things to over come, and my greatest fear now is that the work will be too hard for him and he won't do it. If he doesn't, he will end up alone.

Thank you everyone for all the love, and support. This sight is amazing and I would not be OK without it and all the support I find here.



ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
krisdev
New Member
Member # 22090
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Wow I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. It makes me wonder exactly he's been saying to her this entire time, now knowing all of the lies he's been telling you. IMO I'd put up my emotional wall and focus on myself. Geesh he needs help. It's just a "game", a game, he's playing with YOUR emotions too. So is that also a game?


He taught me so much, self worth.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: krisdev
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Oh Chef, Forgive me if I am wrong, but didn't you post his "I'm sorry" letter a while back? It was quite memorable, and now this news absolutely has me floored.

"Oh and they've been in contact since Dday."

And he asked her to marry him? What a complete pogue!!

I am so sorry. Take care of yourself and DD.

E.

[This message edited by Edith at 12:00 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry....this has been a bad day for BS. Two of you long-termers have had another TT.

I can't believe you are staying, but I will still pray for you that it will work out. It sickens me the length they will go to get in bed with someone. To propose M? Goes to show what he thinks about the institution of M. Goes to show what he thinks about the AP, to string her along and take advantage of her too.

Guess the OW is a bigger piece of shit than we all realized. To tell you they were still in contact. Even after she wrote that text begging you to take the post down. The nerve. Guess the Cheaterville post was spot-on. I would put it back up and update it.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. BTDT. OW also told me all about the A on DDay#1 and then again DDay#2 when I found out that they taken the A underground. He had also asked her to marry him a year before DDay#1. She was even living in my home for awhile, so I know how you are feeling. It does get better once you are able to put it all into prospective, but right now it just hurts, I know. I am sending you a big (((HUG))).


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Edith -
Oh Chef, Forgive me if I am wrong, but didn't you post his "I'm sorry" letter a while back? It was quite memorable, and now this news absolutely has me floored.
"Oh and they've been in contact since Dday."


And he asked her to marry him? What a complete pogue!!

Yes, I did... I thought he meant every word. It was lies. And his post here, was a lie. He took it down, but hasn't posted again. I am shaking today and having huge anxiety attacks. I need time, I need space. I can't catch a break.

The things he told her about me. The lowest of low. I'm going to share this, because as I type it, it reminds me of how horrid and violating it all is.

I am a diabetic, so there was a period that the Dr. was adjusting my meds and I was fightin a bad yeast infection (diabetics are prone). He had her convinced that we were in a sexless marriage, and actually took a picture of my medication and sent it too her as proof that we "couldn't" be intimate. Can we say Violated? Humiliated?

He told her that I had been crippled as a young adult, that I was bi-polar and that my meds made me sleep all the time. That I was lazy and that he had to do everything. He painted a picture that is anything but close to the truth. That I started culinary school as a hairbrained plan to start a business and that it was costing him a fortune, and that I just quit for no reason. He took me to the school, practically gave me no choice but to enroll, enrolled me and did it proudly.

I quit because his youngest daughter came to live with us this past summer and she needed me at home (lots of stuff to deal with emotionally etc). I quit to be available for her. I broke my heart to quit, it was a huge dream for me that he said he supported, He used it as fuel on my fire to get her committment.

I need to throw up

She has hundreds of pictures of the inside of my house. Knows every detail about my girls and their schools. She was going to wait for him. She has his nickname for her tattooed on her wrist. She has every email, every text, picture, video. All of it. I should ask her to send it all to me, but I don't think I could bare to read any of it or look at it.

I have more details of their sex life. She was basically his wife in another city. When he got his new roll in San Francisco, he was supposedly in NC. They were talking and she bought a ticket to go see him there. She is hardcore into SM, Things that I won't judge for, but that I can't imagine. Cutting, bruises, pain. NOT MY THING. He swears he didn't do any of that even though she begged him too. He doesn't do "pain" What ever!

I don't know what else I can take at this point. I'm strong, but I have limits. I have offered him everyway out. Go, go be with her... be happy. I'll make it easy. He swears it's not what he wants. I still don't believe him. I think he wants both of us.

He sent a final NC letter last night. She'll try to contact him again, she always does. She got to him this time via text on a game. All games are now deleted and I have parental controls on the electronics and full access to his iTunes so I can see what apps are being downloaded and deleted.

But I don't want to babysit. What's the point? Just go and be with her, if that's what you freaking want. Leave me to my pain, so I can heal and have a life. A life I deserve.

He wants to be the man I deserve. Such a long road. And what if? what if I'm the game now... and she's still there waiting in the wings.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

My heart is breaking for you Chefj. I can't imagine your pain today. I remember reading the letter he wrote you too, and I can hardly believe that it was all just a bunch of lies. They both sound very, very sick and broken indeed.

Sending you hugs - you are very much in my thoughts.

((((Chefj9))))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Oh my dear Chef, I am so sorry you are going through this. How utterly unimaginable, the things he has said and done. In your home of all places.

It sounds to me like she is trying to break up your M by telling you all this stuff. So in order to be fair, maybe you could consider sending her a copy of his "I'm sorry" note, just so she can see his "other side?"

I really was convinced by that note. You have obviously married a very gifted liar

Take good care, and I would pull out the 180 and implement it like yesterday. I'm so sorry.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

My biggest regret in all this mess is that I didn't make him leave when I found out the depth of his lies. I think it might have really woke him up more quickly to see first hand what it would be like giving up his family.

Hindsight being 20/20 I think you should seriously think of doing just that. He has lied for so long and so well to everyone. He needs to *feel* the consequences. If he shows some serious growth you always have the option of R. Nothing needs to be decided immediately and nothing has to be permanent at this point.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Oh, be still my beating heart!

This idiot actually "proposed" to her via TEXT????

And MORE sadly, she actually saved the text for posterity??

Honest to God, if you weren't so devastated and disgusted by these two, I'd have myself a HUGE freakin belly laugh at how utterly FEEBLE the two of them were - and are.

It honestly never fails to amaze me when I see what pitifully LOW expectations these OW talk themselves into accepting, in order to get a few minutes of some liar's spare time before he goes home to his wife.

What an idiot this woman is.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

NeverAgain -
This idiot actually "proposed" to her via TEXT????

And MORE sadly, she actually saved the text for posterity??

Thank you, I needed that laugh... gave me a chance to take a deep breath. No, he didn't propose to her over the text, she had a text that showed him referencing her as the "future Mrs. ____"

I can't read the letter he wrote me ever again. I can't believe what he did to her either. Nobody deserves this, not even this OW.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

What-so she is still in contact with him?

re-post the cheaterville stuff. Let her father read that crap. Let him know how low she was willing to sink to be with a man like your H. Pics of meds to prove he was no longer sleeping with you.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

HopefulMother - Go read my last post in general "Sympathy for the Devil" I can't repost it on Cheaterville, she's getting all full ride on the pain train. Courtesy of the truth and reality.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Edith -
It sounds to me like she is trying to break up your M by telling you all this stuff. So in order to be fair, maybe you could consider sending her a copy of his "I'm sorry" note, just so she can see his "other side?"

I really was convinced by that note. You have obviously married a very gifted liar

If I read that note again, I think I'd literally throw up (for the 20th time in 24 hours). Can we say NPD? He's an english major, he can write.

It's all so horrific.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

((chef)).. yeah I've heard that before too. The whole 'I didn't want her'.. thing. SO WHY'D YOU FUCK HER, THEN..??! Idiot.
And- 'I've been trying to blow her off for years' Hhmm that's funny. Because the reality sure seems like, you know, the COMPLETE OPPOSITE..
I mean what is wrong with these people..?? THAT is the real question here. Because their behavior- lying, playing games, using people as objects to get what they want, manipulating, having split realities between 2 different people, denying, projecting/ blame-shifting/ gaslighting, superficial charm, lack of empathy, etc.. sure seems like that of a bonafide sociopath to me. So... WHY so many sociopaths? Has it always been like this? Or is this a symptom of modern times..?? Why are so many people so sick..? Didn't their Mommies teach them how to behave, the difference between right and wrong...?? Don't most of us learn this stuff when we're- like, 3...???

So sorry Chef.. I hope you use the good advice here & you get all the painful truth so you can move forward... with or without the Hub. You're fortunate the parasite told you what you needed to know.. now maybe H's fantasy bubble is busted- and he can start learning how to treat others (esp his Significant Other!).. and understanding why his actions were wrong and screwed up.
Good luck to you...


Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

yeah I've heard that before too. The whole 'I didn't want her'.. thing. SO WHY'D YOU FUCK HER, THEN..??! Idiot.
And- 'I've been trying to blow her off for years' Hhmm that's funny. Because the reality sure seems like, you know, the COMPLETE OPPOSITE..
I mean what is wrong with these people..??

Whats wrong is that he is a full blown bonified sex addict. And has been half ass making attempts to get the tools he needs to stop. He went to his first real SAA meeting last night. He believes that is the right place for him to be. He got his first chip.

I stay because, I would stay if he were an alcoholic trying to recover. I will give him the opportunity to get help. If he doesn't take this last chance, then he loses everything. We'll see. I said in another post, I have hope... I do not have faith in him.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Chef-j9- That sounds like really good progress.. the fact that he is admitting responsibility and doing something about (and believes it's the right place for him to be)--this is HUGE.
I think most of us here can relate to wanting to hang in there with someone who is broken and screwed up and hurt us in the worst way.. so we definitely get where you're at. Because we believe in commitment through thick and thin. (But why so many of us end up with partners who DON'T, I'll never know....)
I hope the blowup of his lies was a huge wakeup call and he realizes the severity of what he's done... & does what he needs to do to be a better person.

Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

cosmic -
I hope the blowup of his lies was a huge wakeup call and he realizes the severity of what he's done... & does what he needs to do to be a better person.

He says it was. That now that its out, he realizes there could never be any real healing with all the lies still going on. DUH


He's changing his number, closing all existing email accounts and had his employer blocl her email addresses. I realize that there are numerous other ways for her to get through. But at least he's trying to show he's willing to do what ever it takes.

Of course, I've heard it all before. Time will tell.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I really understand where you're coming from and what you're going through. I'm still trying to understand WH. He was raised in a world where the person who screwed over someone else was the winner. Lying was easier than telling the truth, got him what he wanted and he nevered suffered any consequences for lying. I always knew he got away with what I allowed him to get away with. Those of us with empathy and a strong ability to forgive run the risk of enabling repeated abusive behavior. Not because there is anything wrong with us but because there is something seriously wrong with them. Without serious consequences, nothing changes. I took pride in not taking WH's behavior personally all the years he was a mean drunk, living my life well regardless of his behavior. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Rise above it? Then I found out WH was having an affair. I took that personally, did not understand it, did not forgive it, did not get over it... I think that people with NPD believe many of their own lies because they believe what they say when they're saying it. But... I don't think they can conceive of how terrible the consequences of their behavior will be until they are confronted with them.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
stratus722
Member
Member # 35907
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, May 17th (Friday)

Bottom line is you are is wife. Not the desperate slut on the side willing to share a man. I always think of how sick it makes us knowing they were with both of us but they willing knew and made a little fantasy over it. He loves me so much even though he's with his wife. What kind of logic is that?!? It takes a pretty screwed up person to call that true love.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2012
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, May 17th (Friday)

lady & stratus-- So true! Every word you both said..!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2013
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, May 17th (Friday)

Bottom line is you are is wife. Not the desperate slut on the side willing to share a man. I always think of how sick it makes us knowing they were with both of us but they willing knew and made a little fantasy over it. He loves me so much even though he's with his wife. What kind of logic is that?!? It takes a pretty screwed up person to call that true love.

AMen to that honey. Well said.

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 35