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User Topic: Im a WS - turns out my BS has been no angel!!
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Unfortunately, I am back again asking for insight and information from others who have walked path before me.

If any of you read my thread - he wants details will have seen the angst of me writing ALL the details of my A to my BH at his request. This must have been pricking at him as I got a reply from him today ...

Basically, confessing that over the last 3/4 years or so (the period we started drifting apart) he has met, had coffee, drinks, emails, texts etc with about 3 - 4 different women. He says only kissed one of them passionately and has admitted he was actively planning on taking it further physically and thought better of it.

This has not come as a surprise to me on many levels - I've always sensed a 'secret' life but didn't want to deal with it. But, I've got really mixed reactions - part of me feels - you bastard - for months I've borne the guilt for lying etc and you know you've also lied, but haven't admitted it until now; the other part feels - Ive no right to be angry or upset - what I did was so much worse as I had a physical affair.

Its like we are on opposite ends of the spectrum - for 17 years Ive never even given my phone number out to another man - but had a very intense affair for a period of a few weeks; and he has 'dabbled' for years.

Do I have the right to ask him questions or express my hurt? It feels like what I did was so much worse ... But, surely if we stand any chance of going forward - its all got to come out now?

Help?


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Have you checked out the Madhatter thread in the I Can Relate forum?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6092 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I didn't see a stop sign. I just saw this on the main forum page and wanted to let you know that there is a thread in the I Can Relate forum called "mad hatters only". That is for people in your situation, where they are both wayward and betrayed.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 725 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

PM for you blackkat


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36405 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Just when I thought I had the lingo figured out here - I've learned a new term 'madhatter'.

Thank you for those who've pointed me towards that madhatter thread - there is a lot of info to go through there so will make a start.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

BS here -
Although there is no justification for having an A or engaging in A-like behavior, even a revenge A, which is what your WS/BS may have engaged in, something else may be at play here.

There are several folks i've read about that have been cheated on, and subsequently 'disconnected' their hearts from their WS such that they were really a "ghost" in the relationship, but simple remained in it because, well, why not? However, for these BSs, there is no way they will ever truly return to the relationship. Therefore, they simply allow themselves to drift into somethinf much healthier, normal, and which doesn't present an perceived safety risk. They truly are allowing their broken hearts to move on.

Usually, i've seen that their new AP is someone with strong moral values, self-esteem, and very grounded in reality. Often, they don't even reveal to their AP that they are even in a relationship. It is rare that they would have gone "slumming", and ended up banging the waiter at Denny's.

If these characteristics are similar in your MH spouse, then you might want to consider this possibility. If so, chances are that he simply cannot get himself to truly feel safe with you ever again, and is seeking companionship with someone who doesn't exhibit the "typical" A-like attributes (e.g., low self-esteem, secrecy, codependency, promiscuity prior to M, etc.)

Just wanted to throw that out there to contemplate.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Slight t/j:
Theradin, unless I missed something in Cat's post, it looks as if her BH has been unfiathful prior to / during her A and is now telling her only because she confessed to him. End t/j

Makes me wonder now if the reason behind him wanting to know every explicit detail was to "compare" his A's to yours so that he could come back with tit for tat. And btw, one betrail does not make another "not as bad". They're both horrible and it's a load of shit if he's making you believe otherwise.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 6:14 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

****Posting as a member who is hopefully misinterpreting something here****

additional t/j -

There are several folks i've read about that have been cheated on, and subsequently 'disconnected' their hearts from their WS such that they were really a "ghost" in the relationship, but simple remained in it because, well, why not? However, for these BSs, there is no way they will ever truly return to the relationship. Therefore, they simply allow themselves to drift into somethinf much healthier, normal, and which doesn't present an perceived safety risk. They truly are allowing their broken hearts to move on.



Drifting into another relationship while married isn't healthy OR normal. It's cheating.

You just described textbook WS permissions and behaviors, and are saying it's ok because it's a BS who is doing it this time? Like two wrongs and whatnot?

My brain is literally sputtering over this... they were wronged and unhappy and a ghost in their relationship, but stayed because "why not" and then started another relationship instead of ending the one they were in?!?! Really?!?!?!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 6:33 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16253 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Sorry for the t/j, blackkat.

You have every right to be hurt and ask questions.

It's just so much harder once the MH'er effect is in place.

It's not about what's worse now. It's about how to heal as a team.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16253 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

There are several folks i've read about that have been cheated on, and subsequently 'disconnected' their hearts from their WS such that they were really a "ghost" in the relationship, but simple remained in it because, well, why not? However, for these BSs, there is no way they will ever truly return to the relationship. Therefore, they simply allow themselves to drift into somethinf much healthier, normal, and which doesn't present an perceived safety risk. They truly are allowing their broken hearts to move on.
Then get a dang divorce.

Justifying their own A because they were "cheated on first" doesn't make it any less hurtful or acceptable.

As it seems, that's totally not the case. He was cheating on her at the same time or before her infidelities. So I wonder how he can spin and justify that to his advantage?

blackkat, I've been keeping up with your posts. I'm sorry you're in this position.

(((bk)))

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 6:57 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6041 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

t/j:

Usually, i've seen that their new AP is someone with strong moral values, self-esteem, and very grounded in reality.

Seems like there's a contradiction in that paragraph...


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Trying not to T/J -
Then get a dang divorce.

Always. Then none of us would be here. Aubrie - you are so right. Divorce isn't forever - the other option unfortunately is.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3725 | Registered: Dec 2011
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

This has not come as a surprise to me on many levels - I've always sensed a 'secret' life but didn't want to deal with it. But, I've got really mixed reactions - part of me feels - you bastard - for months I've borne the guilt for lying etc and you know you've also lied, but haven't admitted it until now; the other part feels - Ive no right to be angry or upset - what I did was so much worse as I had a physical affair.

Hi Blackkat,

I had a revenge A after discovering H's A. (None of this is in my profile. It is on the DB site). My XH has absolutely no idea. I'm not sure if I am technically a MH, (see myself as BS) but this is my perspective. You have absolutely every right to feel angry at your H dropping this on you. I don't know how believable it is that your H only kissed one; I'd just assume the worst. Regardless, he is just as wrong as you are. Doesn't matter if his only went x far. The fact is what he did was also cheating. It seems rather cruel to me that he watched you going through pain for months, while covering his own ass. Do you think he came clean b/c he wants to truly R or do you think it was meant to hurt you?

Do I have the right to ask him questions or express my hurt? It feels like what I did was so much worse ... But, surely if we stand any chance of going forward - its all got to come out now?

You have the same rights as BH. It doesn't matter who did it first or to what degree it progressed. The damage has been inflicted by both. If you both want to R, then you both have to express you hurt, anger, whatever. The focus needs to be on repairing the damage that you both inflicted.

I have no advice as to how to R, as my XH opted to not try. I don't believe what you did is any worse than what he did. I can't imagine that focusing on who was badder can help in any way.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 724 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

blackkat,

I'm sorry to hear this.

This:

Basically, confessing that over the last 3/4 years or so (the period we started drifting apart) he has met, had coffee, drinks, emails, texts etc with about 3 - 4 different women. He says only kissed one of them passionately and has admitted he was actively planning on taking it further physically and thought better of it.

I don't believe. I believe he told you that, but I do not believe the contents of his "confession". If he met 3-4 women for drinks, conversation, etc., I just don't think he stopped at a kiss.

Posts: 11376 | Registered: Mar 2008
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry you are here, MH status is a horrible place to be, its all horrible really. I just want to offer you support, there are many of us MH's here and it takes a lot of hard work to get through. Work that cannot be done by comparing or belittling. Work that can only be done if you both own your actions. If your not both in it with hard work and dedication it'll be like spitting on a fire that's slowly raging into an inferno. You both must do the work to heal from this, individually and as a couple. Hugs and support.

Slight t/j:

Theradin I was apalled reading your take on this. Nothing justifies an affair and an AP cannot be of strong moral character just by the very title of AP. Whether or not they are a waiter from Denny's is inconsequential, not even sure why someone is slumming material because they are a waiter. Also if he is having an A all those things you listed he is not looking for he is involved in. Last point, he seems to have done all this before she engaged in her A and now that she's done her dirt he figures its okay to unload his baggage because in his opinion she did worse. Give me a break here.

End T/J.

Sorry blackkat. We are here to support you, please post when you need to.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:43 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2622 | Registered: Oct 2012
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for the support and confirmation that it is OK for me to be hurt, upset and ask questions of him.

His dalliances did start a couple of years ago from what I know up til now - so well before I went off the path. My A was a matter of several intense weeks that started just before Christmas.

He is definitely of the opinion that as I had sex - I am the one 'more' at fault here. - he did vent at one point that "I've no fucking right to question him, after what I've done." I think thats a lot to do with how I was caught - which was red-handed with lots of very incriminating emails - I did nothing as noble as confessing and am in awe of the SIers who have done this.

Have to say that I bought into his view that what I did was worse and in comparison his seems fairly innocent ... until read your threads.

I also agree with what some of you have said that its unlikely that it stopped at kissing. Oh deep joy!!!!


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I'm afraid I have to disagree to some extent than most people here. I do believe that what you did was worse.

Tell me, would you have felt better if you had coffee with your OM for 3 weeks and then when you saw it getting too serious you broke it off? I think you know the answer to that.

Other's here who only had an EA are appropriately considering themselves as waywards, but yet I think they might be thankful that they didn't let it progress to a PA. Notice the word "progress?" That word alone indicates a difference.

I do agree that what he did was wrong. And I think you have every right to ask all the details of what he did. He definitely needs to figure out why he let himself do those things. But, honestly, aren't you relieved he didn't have a PA? That he didn't get someone pregnant? That alone should answer your question.

I think what people are getting at, I hope, is that an EA and a PA both come from the same place of fucked up. They come from the same problems. I certainly agree with that.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2013
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Mike7- respectfully, and I don't know your story, I think it's very hard to qualify one type of A as "worse". I think that's a very individual assessment. Some may feel an EA is "worse", the emotional time, energy, effort all put into someone else? Whereas some may feel the physical act of a PA is "worse". The reality is you're splitting hairs.

All A's a jacked. All A's are wrong. There is no better A. All A's come from a broken, messed up place. Healing from all A's requires work.

BlackKat- you have every right to be hurt, upset, sad, and question things. You are now in the realm of madhatters. I'm very sorry.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1986 | Registered: Sep 2011
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

blackkat - yes, you have every right to get all of your questions answered. Do not get caught in the trap of feeling like one is worse than the other, it will not help you process anything.

You have to deal with each one in as big of a vacuum as possible. It is very hard to do that, I had a lot of trouble with it. Take time to ask your questions, express you feelings, get the answers you need to heal and process, and let your BS do the same.

Good luck - sorry you find yourself in this boat.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 722 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I agree that it doesn't help anything to try to determine what is worse. What matters is what the couple thinks and how they feel. That doesn't change the fact that there are degrees. To ignore that is to be willfully ignorant. Like saying slapping someone is the same thing as killing someone or hitting them over the head with a bat. It's just not true. Even though they may all come from the frame of mind of anger.

Can you have a one day EA? a one week EA? How does that compare to a ONS?

Personnaly, I would have loved it if my wife had had coffee for three weeks, even kissed a guy, and then realized she was making a mistake and stopped of her own accord. Instead, I caught her having unprotected sex. To my mind, that is much, much worse. But that's just me. You may feel differently.

But none of that matters. If someone is unhappy, that unhappiness must be addressed.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Can you have a one day EA? a one week EA? How does that compare to a ONS?
It's nobody's call but the individual's on what "compares".

Every type of A is wrong. Some BSs can "handle" an EA more than a PA. But the next BS would feel quite differently. I've seen BSs here completely devastated from coffee and a handful of texts. And I've seen BSs take an LT-PA in relatively decent stride.

To discount blackkat's feelings because we might not feel her betrayal is "as bad" is wrong. It's not up to us to tell her how she should feel. That's up to her.

blackkat,

he did vent at one point that "I've no fucking right to question him, after what I've done."
One could argue that he has no flipping right being on the slippery slope and hiding it all these years either. A slipperly slope will quite often inevitably lead to a total fall.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6041 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

To be clear, I definitely think she has a right to be unhappy. And I think she has a right to ask all the questions and recieve the answers that will make her safe.

I think it's important to keep things in perspective. Otherwise I can't imagine there would be hope for reconciliation. There has to be a meeting of the minds. Please don't read too much into that. I'm trying to help. Not trying to minimize her H's actions.

I wish you luck BK


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I understand that Mike. Not trying to bust your chops or anything.

She just got over giving the agonizing bloody, gory, details and *then* he says, oh yeah by the way.... That is all kinds of wrong. I think it was a way for him to ensure that his wasn''t ''as bad'' as hers. And maybe to him it isn''t. And maybe with time she''ll decide it isn''t to her either. They can both deal with their betrayals separately.

I can''t imagine how complicated being a MH is. All the "Am I allowed to be hurt or question." stuff. And will he be open to her processing her betrayal. It couple take more than a couple days for her to find perspective on this.

How''s it going today blackkat?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6041 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
blackkat
New Member
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Well, I'm pleased that its caused a bit of debate - and I can definitely see both sides. My instinct was initially to agree with Mike7 - but the more I think about it .. its like .. hang on?? WTF?

Its obviously a comfort to me that my BS has not had sex with these individuals; however its the fact that this has happened off and on for a period of years (there were previous dalliances that I knew about earlier on in our relationship). So, putting the more recent discoveries together - I wonder how long a period of our relationship has been affected by this.

For the sake of our R - I have to ask questions and express my feelings - if he thinks thats unacceptable - then what does that say about our chances for R. What hurts is that I've quite rightly had months of shit for being a liar - but all along he knew he has been less than honest himself.

Thank you for your ongoing support ... Helps a lot


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

well I hope things work out for you. I agree, it's troubling that he's done this more than once.

there are smarter people here than me. I think it's best if you listen to them.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

there are smarter people here than me. I think it's best if you listen to them.
Not at all. See the beauty of SI is all the different angles, perspectives, stages of healing, advice, and concern, all in one place. Each voice here is very important. It's part of what makes this place so great.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6041 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Can you have a one-day EA?

D-day #1 in my case was in 2007, less than 2 weeks before XH and I married. He found a string of texts between me and the OM (yep, same OM from the affair that caused our divorce) reminiscing about our past dating relationship, how great it was, etc.

XH and I got into a raging fight over that. I had never heard of an "EA" and acknowledged that it may have been somewhat inappropriate, but to make that big a deal over it???

Obviously I didn't have a clue. I know better now. It was about 10 messages back and forth over the span of 2 hours. Yet I consider it an EA, and it damaged our relationship.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 17th (Friday)

Welcome to the Madhatter Society, where guilt, shame and rage alternate at a moments notice.

I totally, 100% understand how you feel. I caught my H's EA, though it was over when I caught him, and catching him prompted me to tell him about what I like to pretty up as an EA, even though I think most would consider it a PA since we did kiss.

As the second confessor, I absolutely felt H had the right to ask any question he wants, so I totally disagree with your H there. Then again, in his eyes I'd be the "worse" one since I kissed my AP and H didn't.

As far as what's worse, I agree with those who say that's all in the eye of the beholder. I waffle every day between thinking what I did was worse and what he did was worse. But in the end, as we talked about in MC, it really doesn't matter. We're both broken people who need to work on ourselves so that we can fix our marriage. It's as simple as that.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 17th (Friday)

here are your questions..

Do I have the right to ask him questions or express my hurt? It feels like what I did was so much worse ... But, surely if we stand any chance of going forward - its all got to come out now?

IMO - you have a right to ask him questions and express your hurt. what you did is worse. it's all got to come out if you can move forward.

and..... you need to decide if you want to stay married. maybe you don't. this argument about what is worse doesn't really help anything.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 17th (Friday)

this argument about what is worse doesn't really help anything
.

I am going to tell you right now that in a madhatter situation, if you want to have any hope of making it work, this is the argument that you stay away from. It will never get resolved. Never.

What is a deep hurt to one person can be not so much to another. You have to acknowledge each other's hurt period. And if each partner cannot get to that place, there is going to be real difficulty in going forward. Each partner has equal rights, to ask questions, to be comforted, to trigger, to have to fix themselves, to be held accountable. Hlessons and I have found that this has been the only way it has worked for us. I don't know how other madhatters have done it, maybe they will weigh in.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4451 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Ashamed14
New Member
Member # 38240
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 17th (Friday)

I became a MH as of Monday. I committed my PAs last summer. My BH and I started MC in September of last year. During that time, he started chatting with another BS. They became friends, then started having lunches, evidently his PA started in January and ended in April. His was an EA & PA. He took her to nice dinners, bought her roses on Valentine's Day, took her to concerts and dinners with our friends and referred to her as "his lady". He admits to loving her.

I find that as the WS who had a PA, I'm more forgiving of the physical part than the emotional part. I feel more betrayed over the roses, the concert and the love than I do over the sex. It might also be that I'm a woman. We think differently than men do. I also have a major problem that all this occurred while I thought we were working to reconcile our marriage, AND I thought we had accomplished that as we "graduated" from MC before I discovered his A.

So, to summarize, I think the BS is always going to think they got the worse end of the deal because of the pain you are feeling. However, each person in the marriage has to take responsibility for the state the marriage was in and their weakness in allowing any kind of affair to happen, and has to be 100% committed to reconciliation. Beyond that, what else really matters? When the blaming stops, then the forgiveness can begin.

I recommend that if you haven't already gotten into MC, that you start now. A big part of that process is forgiveness of yourself and our spouse.

My husband and I are beginning that process once again.


MHW-42
STBX-MHH-41
Married 15 yrs.
2 children

Mine DD - 6/2012
His DD - 5/2013


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, May 17th (Friday)

BS here, as I didn't see a stop sign, either.

The posts that speak about not comparing the details of As are thoughts that I agree with. I wouldn't call it useless, but would rather spend the energy and feelings on sorting out how to put the different pieces of hurt away in order to move on. I worry that comparing them could lead to bitterness and not letting go.

Things have been done by each person in the couple that Blackat is in. They were living as a couple but not doing the things as a couple does, for and with each other, married or otherwise...I didn't read the profile.

I am sorry for your hurt, Blackkat, because it seems like one of the most painful feelings in the world, to learn a spouse or partner has been out living their own life and hidden and deceived. But you have the added burden of things you've done as well and that I cannot imagine...and am sorry for it.

I don't know if this will help any, but it finally helped me to realize that I do actually have a threshold of both pain and tolerance-and STBXH violated both of those to extremes. I suspect that we all have that threshold?

And I think that you have a whole lot of sorting to do, if you don't mind my suggesting it...here are some questions that I ask of myself...first with yourself, how are you going to come to terms with your life and its actions? And then how to to turn to your spouse/partner and see where everything is going to stand there...what is left to go forward with? Do you want to?

What can you tolerate? What do you want for the rest of your life? How can you alter your thinking, so that the actions of both of you won't haunt you for the rest of your life? Would you be like I would and always wonder about the other person and what they're doing? Wonder if something they said is honest?

Yes, the post that speaks about forgiveness seems like a really important early step.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 32