New Beginnings
User Topic: Answering questions. I feel awkward and isolated.
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Frustrated  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

People in health profession regarding the kids or others in general. "Where does x live?"
I have to answer I don't know.
"Where will the kids be when with him?" Again answer I don't know. It could be hotel room, it could be grandparents house or stepgrand house. ( I've asked, he has to provide address but hasn't yet.)
People look at me like I am from outer space when those answers are given.
They don't get that he does not work with me, nor communicate with me, even with kid issues. People do not understand that I can't just call him up and discuss parenting issues. People do not understand that he will not bend if I ask for something for benefit of the children. He won't simply because it is me asking. Example: refuses to use online calendar for kids' activities and appointments because "It isn't in the parenting agreement so I don't have to!!!"
This feels like being the only one in the world in this situation. Logically it is not, but it feels like it.
Gah this never ends.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

In my case, I just respond with "my ex is no longer in the picture" when people ask about him and leave it at that.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

(((wgb))) I have some menstrual problems, and my doctor suggested endometrial ablation. However, she said she wouldn't do it unless my husband had a vasectomy (we're separated; the divorce is almost final). I didn't even know how to respond -- yes, he's had one, but he's about to not be my husband?

Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Yes, I sure do hear you there!

People ask me about his visits with DD and neither of them tell me much and I don't ask, just about her. I don't want to know about his job search or what it's like where he lives...why would any of us?

FWIW, I say to people, "It's not mine to worry about unless DD has a problem." Sometimes it shuts people up and if it offends anyone, they have to get over that.

Yes, I feel the isolation also even though many people I know have been divorced-scary how many-though not all with adultery.

I also ask people not to tell me anything they hear about Perv and it took me a really long time to get to that point, because when he first left, I was like a sponge trying to learn about him.

The parenting plan Perv tried to attempt has already failed, so I won't sign a darn thing! Sometimes it feels like dealing with another kid!

I am pregnant and getting divorced and hope not to rant, but am very agitated and upset by people askin if I am keeping this baby.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2302 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

The last part is just to say, as others posting here, why would I change my beliefs just because he did?

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2302 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I get asked the same questions. People are genuinely shocked at STBX's refusal to communicate or cooperate. I can't do anything about their normal reactions, so it just doesn't phase me. I don't really care, honestly, unless their reaction is hindering a transaction or care arrangements.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

yeah, you are NOT alone. And you should not feel awkward or isolate. There are many in your same position, or variances of it.

My situation is that the Dooosh has not spoken to our oldest daughter since 2011... because she decided NOT to accept what he did and believe that the OW is "an angel, a real sweetheart!" and instead got pissed off at him for cheating and breaking her heart (and her mom's). I can at least explain that as my oldest (she is an adult) having her own opinion, and since it didn't flow with his "picture" of how this was going to play out, it was easier for him to just make up a bunch of bullshit and claim she was a little bitch and difficult and won't speak to him and that's that. And he didn't try to fix anything, so that showed her!! {eyeroll}

He has also stopped seeing our middle daughter - she is in middle school. People ask why, and this one I cannot explain. Well, not rationally anyway. I don't really understand why, aside from the fact that he is a major dooosh, the world is supposed to revolve around him and his beliefs, and he is turning out to be as big a dickhead as his narcissistic cheating father (who also wrote off his children, and still does, according to who is in his pocket at any particular time.) Guess he is just doing what he knows?

Disgusting behavior.

But I have no idea how to explain it to anyone. It doesn't make sense to me, or to any REAL parents - you know the ones, those who would do anything to be there for their kids. But then again, these cheaters threw all that out the window when they cheated and blasted their families apart so I'm not surprised by their craptastic behaviors anymore.

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

It's always ok to answer these questions with, "why do you ask?" So many times, I find myself looking for an answer to a question that really shouldn't have been asked.

You don't owe anyone explanations. And you sure as hell don't have to explain your X. So not your job.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25776 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

Ditto nik that you do not owe anyone any explanations unless you choose to give them. I think simply stating, "We're divorced, so we don't communicate often" should suffice, and even then only if you feel like it - it's none of their damn business. You are obviously the parent handling everything.

In my situation the idiot handled everything from DDay forward so chaotically and crazily, that 98% of the people we know together simply believe he lost his mind, so I've never been asked much, just sympathy looks, lol.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4614 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I explain he divorced me and disowned our children.

If they want an explanation for why? We(they-when talking about the kids) had a difference of religious opinion, He thought he was God, we(they) disagreed.

It gets them thinking... which was all I wanted in the first place.

But.. it is interesting.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)

I would have an issue with the kids going with him if you do not know where they will be. What does your attorney say?

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I should have been more clear.
When talking with a child's therapist in family counseling together and trying to plan for weekend visit with dad since kid is fresh out of treatment.
Therapist, where will you be staying? No one knows.
Yes I've asked him to provide address (by email our mode of communication) so far no response he only argues other points and of course blames me and tells me how horrible I am.
I'm almost out of retainer, paying a lawyer is making me poor.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Will Get By,

One thing I have learned in this situation with X's not forthcoming with information is that I am not the first to go down this path. Nor will I be the last.

They get that he doesn't provide anything you ask for... they just do not want to deal with it.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 17th (Friday)

I have NO idea where my ex-h works, or lives, or anything for that matter. So when someone asks me about xyz about him, his employer ect I just say "I have no idea." I know it sounds like *I* am dumb but it's the truth. I have no idea.

Don't feel alone, there are tons of "us" out there...

(((((will get by)))))

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 17th (Friday)


I understand.

It does feel like the fact that we co-parent with a fucking lower muppet controlled by the strings of Satan himself is somehow OUR ignorant or faulty parenting?? I know what this feels like.

I DON'T KNOW where ex is going to have my children at any given time. I DON'T TRUST that they will be where I think they are, buckled up, around decent/safe human beings, treated decently as human beings, or available to me by phone... yet, I will send them off with a forced smile and abide by the court order that protects their right to time with their father.

The answer to those questions is an exhausting explanation that withholding all such information from me is a game, meant to discourage and frustrate me and that my only recourse is an expensive and fruitless game that only provides HIM with proof of his power to frustrate me. Court ordered to provide information? Who verifies it is true? Who prevents it from changing with the wind? Who holds his feet to the fire when he lies or misleads or takes off on "vacation?" yeah. What the fuck ever.

And every time the question is asked and I have to shrug explain and feel like the idiot who allows this to happen to me and the children the person asking the question becomes an unwitting player in HIS GAME and that usually makes me feel somewhat bitter and frustrated with the question and the asker.

The only solution I have found is to fucking not care what the answer is. Like yeah, whatever. Where you going son? out. When will you be home? later. Sure! have fun!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 15