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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: When did the feelings of repulsion and fear decrease?
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

For those of you farther down this path than me, when did the feelings of repulsion and fear and dread decrease?

I'm kinda triggery (low grade) right now. Yesterday I had to ask this forum a question about a tax issue. When I spoke to my accountant today, he made the comment "I hope he doesn't lose it/go crazy when the IRS contacts him".

I fucking don't want to live in fear any more. I've been feeling so strong since we have absolutely no contact but now I have that fear creeping back up.

Then I saw his profile picture on facebook and I was overwhelmed with dread and repulsion and I almost threw up. I still feel a little nauseous. Why am I reacting this way? Is this normal? What helped you cope with the repulsion?

I don't see my therapist until next week Friday. Thank you for your help!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Same feelings I have when the talk of separation of all things comes up. She wants to be single but doesn't want to lose the security I provided for her. Then there's the taxes. She claims she'll allow me to claim our oldest. Yea, probably not now. Her words are pretty empty. As mad as I am at her, I still love her, but at the same time I can't stand what's she's done to me and the kids.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole...never to be seen again. You know?

Your reaction is quite normal. Instead of repulsed, though, mine is depression. To know that I gave this woman everything that I had...

For them to treat us like this is unacceptable.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

The love/hate feelings are horrible. I'm over a year from D and almost 2.5 years from Dday and I still get those feelings. Last night I had bad dreams about her. I get them every once and a while and it torments my morning when I wake up...kind of like an emotional hangover. I wonder when they will stop already. In the dreams we are either arguing or she is being very unremorseful to me in front of people I know. I guess the two to five year rule applies in getting over this.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Just about two years from DDay and I am still physically afraid of him. I'm afraid to be around him and still afraid that he'll hire someone to harm me. It has decreased, but is there.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9467 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I am 5 1/2 months out and my emotions are all over the place. I found out that there is a "voluntary settlement conference" I have to attend in August and I broke down in tears and spent most of yesterday sobbing, anxious and pissed off. I am so angry, I am so anxious, I am filled with disgust towards him, the lying pig.

I thought by the six month mark, I would be seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, but I think it will take a couple of years before that happens. The trust was broken at such a deep level and I was completely blindsided when I found out about the affair. It has shaken me down to the core of my being and I am questioning almost everything I thought I knew.

I have so many triggers but I have hope that over time, it will heal. Hearing that other people get through this and in a few years, my life will be so much better gives me hope.

In the meantime, we lean on each other to get through......


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Heal&Deal
Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I am about 2.5 years out and can say that the strong reactions to XH have decreased immensely.

Due to DS, we are still linked, so I have to deal with XH and his nonsense. I fear for my child's emotional well being, but have accepted that the situation just is what it is and despite what comes our way, we will work through it.

As far as repulsion, well, it just got to be old news after a while. Maybe like witnessing mangled bodies for ER workers... There is still something especially out of the ordinary every now and then, but mostly it is the same old stuff from XH month after month.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

1. You can see him on FB WHY??? Block. Block. Block.

2. Time, distance, and NC nudge you ever closer to indifference.

3. DON'T ignore fear. It can be an indicator that something is off/wrong or that there is actual danger. Are you at risk? Is he dangerous?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24779 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

It seems as if these are common reactions for BS after the fog clears, if we get it...like I did.

I have fears about Perv, but I don't know if the thoughts are irrational based on all the stuff he's done or if they are justified because of what he's capable of. I don't feel physically afraid of him, I'm 80% certain he's too cowardly for that.

I do have nerves about his DD visits and don't calm down until she's home again. But that happens with anyone she goes off with and I'm not there, so that's one reason I'm not sure of sorting the fears out.

Yes, I feel repulsion and disgust and like he's... dirty. The more I was learning about his SA stuff, the more it helped me become "turned off" by him. The more women I would see on the internet before I stopped looking, the more turned off I became and disgusted, too.

Ironically, he's pushing for "Model Citizen Perv" to come back out from under the rock he slithered under, but now...now, he's simply Perv, no matter how hard he works at being Model Citizen Perv.

Do any of you think that people who cheat can rid themselves of the stigma? Perv (short for "Disgusting Pervert") is working so hard at rugsweeping he must be exhausted, so I wonder if there are people who get rid of the stigma in the public eye?

I haven't met any or come across any that have...what I do see is, like him, trying to change his surroundings and people around him and turn his back on people from his "other life."

I worry about what DD will hear or see or learn in his presence and I never had that before, when "Model Citizen Perv" was present.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

nowIknow23: Aaacckkk!! I don't know how to block on FB!! I was looking for someones birthday so I went to their FB page and you know how it shows a few profile pictures of their friends on the left hand side ... that's how I saw him!! I think the only way to not see the tiny profile pic is to not go on other peoples pages? Do I have to unfriend my friends who also have him as a friend? I'm kind new to facebook and I feel I need a degree to figure things out.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I don't know how to block on FB

Settings (the little cog in the upper right hand corner)
Privacy Settings
Blocking (menu list on left side of screen)


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1730 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

need_hope: Thank you! Did it!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I noticed a drop in my reaction to my ex-husband about five years post D.

He is a diagnosed malignant narcissistic psychopath. I read Nature_Girl's posts and it's like she's talking about the same sub-human. I also noticed every time I got space and time from having to deal with him, my strength crept up - like being around him was radioactive and just kept me worn down and sensitized to his normal crap.

This past holiday season, he showed back up after NC for six months to try and pull a power play and demand the kids for a weekend, though he had seen them a dozen times maximum in the almost ten years since the D, and after almost nine years since he was around them alone.

He had a new girlfriend and wanted to use the kids to solidify whatever image of the "ideal man" he'd crafted for her. Ironically, when I told the kids about the demand, they looked at each other - all teenagers versus the small kids they were before - and said, "Mom, that poor woman has no idea who she's dealing with. Should we warn her?" I grinned at them as they crafted a plan to agree to a movie, with only meeting him there.

Short story: when she gave them an in by saying how amazing they all were and how surprised she was that they were so healthy with such a difficult "family situation" (meaning me), they told her to be careful, that he wasn't who he said he was, that they wanted nothing to do with him and that I was an "angel" and far too kind to the bastard - and actually said this all in front of him.

He was furious. They stared him down. I couldn't help but beam at their courage as they relayed the story after I got a volcanically angry email from him. They weren't afraid of him. I know if we hadn't been as successful in freeing ourselves, that would have been a very different story.

Before, I would have been anxiety ridden, trying to per-emptively plan for what he would do as revenge, but I found I had an increasing zen about not only what he could do to us, but why any of it would matter.

We'd already seen his worst. Not much to fear after that. And by getting free, they have less opportunity to act out.

I think it's a fantasy to plan for interaction to ever get completely neutral with these type of men, but it does go from Sauron like power to Golem; both are gross, but that sense of power diminishes from frightening to pitifully disgusting.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

(((dmari))) I hope I didn't come across as yelling at you. It's just this - if you can see HIM, he can see YOU. Blocking solves that problem.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24779 | Registered: Aug 2011
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

nowiknow23: I know the yelling came from a place of love but really, thank you for pointing that out. I didn't know. I'm SO relieved he can't "see" me now. Phew. Better late than never.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

So back to my other question - Are you at risk? Is he dangerous?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24779 | Registered: Aug 2011
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

nowiknow23: 3. DON'T ignore fear. It can be an indicator that something is off/wrong or that there is actual danger. Are you at risk? Is he dangerous?

Thank you for the above! You are absolutely right ... I should not ignore fear. I feel he is dangerous to himself (past suicidal attempts, threats, behavior). The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, right? He has access to firearms because he is a cop. I don't know if the police department gave him his badge/firearms back and I have no way of finding out.

I honestly can't say that I feel safe but I've done all what I can to protect myself and kids: I wrote to the chief of police begging them to do a comprehensive psych evaluation to protect himself and his fellow officers (since they didn't give a shit about me and my kids) before giving him back his firearms; I've installed security cameras; I've changed my will and trust and made explicit directions who should care for the children should I die; when the kids were participating in visitations, they had an emergency plan; emergency set of keys; cellphones; copy of court order at son's school that states stbx cannot take son out of school.

What do I do with that fear? I understand I should not ignore it but how do I use it in a productive way? At the very least, it has reminded me that I should always be alert to a certain degree. I guess as much as it pisses me off to live in fear ... that is my new normal. Hmmm ... I am going to process this a bit more. Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention!!

e.t.a. I need to get this out. A little less than 2 weeks ago, I had a dream that he came back to the house; I saw him at the front screen door; and he said to me "I should have killed you when I had the chance."

This scared the crap out of me. I usually never have (or at least don't remember having) dreams. I pride myself on being such a good sleeper. I don't watch scary shows because I'm a scardy cat. So this dream really shook me up.

[This message edited by dmari at 8:08 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

about 2.5 years from dday I think I hit pretty solid indifference. It happened that the D came through at about that point too, but I think it was coincidence and the timing was more relevant.

At 3 years, I find that I go whole days without thinking of him at all. I can have fun and not be looking over my shoulder.

I do still have a few dreams that leave me shaken in the mornings but not often. I also set my day by whether I will have to see him due to sporting events, but I will answer the phone, I will address him face to face if I have to about scheduling.

I have gone to staring through him and actively pretending he doesn't exist in real life to accepting that he does exist, that he is an idiot and I will have to deal with him and that I can do it!

I think it is like the difference between a giant wasp buzzing in your ear and a mosquito. Sometimes the mosquito startles you and sometimes it bites but it is a nuisance and the realization that you can swat it comes quickly. The wasp reaction? yeah, that is different.

And for those who wonder, my reaction to exwh was severe. I had full blown panic attacks, prescribed medication, sleep issues. There was the potential for violence and actual breaking and entering on his part.

I am proof that you can come a LONG LONG WAY from fear and repulsion.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5751 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Dmari, my POS is law enforcement also. He has told me several times in the past that he would go thru a homicide trial before he would ever go thru another divorce, and we have an arsenal of firearms. However he is currently 4000 miles away so that helps a lot. I have also told several people that if anything ever happened to me that POS is responsible. I have also put it in writing. Am I scared? No, not really. I have reached a point that I don't care, and living in fear is not an option. My children are provided for and that is my primary concern. Plus, I really think he is all talk and a coward at heart...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

dmari, I was just talking to my IC about this yesterday. I think she could not grasp that, even though we are divorced and everything is final and done, that I *still* go into a tailspin every time I see his picture or him in person or hear his voice. She was telling me that I should be able to talk myself down.

I was kind of angry because I felt like, DUH, don't you think if I could talk myself down I would???

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I've said here that I am still repulsed by the sight of him, adn I'm 17 months out from dday and 4 months divorced now. Folks here say it's the other 4 letter word, time, that will help the revulsion pass.

Hang in there hon, you are doing great!!!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2582 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Thank you for all your responses! It has helped immensely ... and your responses gave me "food for thought".

caregiver9000: I am proof that you can come a LONG LONG WAY from fear and repulsion. Thank you for stating this! I needed to know that it's possible.

Phoenix1: I have reached a point that I don't care, and living in fear is not an option. <<< This is where I want to be. Certain people should not have the authority to carry a firearm, right? When you said he had "an arsenal of firearms", I literally got fear goosebumps. Thank you for responding!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 20