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Just Found Out
User Topic: what is the 180
cali1002
New Member
Member # 39270
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Was wondering if someone could summarize what the 180 is and if it can be done over a year after finding out. Thanks.


Me - BS 44
Him - WH 52
Kids - 11 and 12
DDay - May 2012
Married 14 years
In Reconciliation

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

You can find the 180 in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11.

Basically it is to help you get stronger, not to be used as a manipulation tool.

Getting out of the house will give you some hours of independence that will strengthen you. If you fail, just get back on the wagon and keep going. It works.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Here is a direct link: : http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

The 180 is for you, so you can do it at any time. It''s for YOUR benefit, not anyone elses, to help you get the detatchment needed to make good decisions and seek clarity. Best of luck.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I didnt find this website until over a year later and still i find the 180 and NC very helpful, funny thing is even without knowing about the 180, I was practicing some it of already


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
5yrsout
Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I am glad this question came up - I've been wondering something about the 180 and intended outcomes.

I know that posters often reiterate that the purpose of the 180 is FOR YOURSELF. But, frequently it is suggested when the BS is desperately seeking to re-connect/repair/save their relationship.

I think this causes confusion because then someone will often say that sometimes this will give the WS clarity and a taste of "bakery closing" and that can help knock a WS off the fence.

Would it be more clear if we talked about a step of "SHOCK AND AWE" for the knocking off the fence part - filing for D, immediate S, lawyers, whatever it takes... take no prisoners, lines in the sand, decisions in 20-seconds or less (him/her or me)... aka wearing bitch boots or big boy pants?

AND separate this activity from the 180 which truly is for the protection and mental health of the BS to:
Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her.

I keep feeling like people hope the 180 will change their WS's attitude - despite repeated explanations to the contrary.

Just trying to clarify the process(es) in my own mind and hopefully help other JFO readers...


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
cali1002
New Member
Member # 39270
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I'm not quite understanding the purpose of 180. I mean, yes, I understand that we should take care of ourselves, and be positive and stuff, which I am really trying to do, but it also makes it sound like we really shouldn't be having discussions with the WS.

I found out about his behavior a little over a year ago, but I don't know if he has told me everything. I'll have a trigger, get upset & cry & try to tell him how this all made me feel, tell him I don't believe he is telling me everything. He'll say, no I've told you everything,I love you, I want to work this all out, etc, but I still leave those conversations feeling like there is stuff he's not telling me. I also am unsure if I want to stay with a man who has been so disrespectful to me. Whey did he do that if he loves me?

I guess the 180 thing is just confusing me. Is that really working on reconciliation? If I walk around acting like I don't really care, than why don't I just leave?

Feeling confused.


Me - BS 44
Him - WH 52
Kids - 11 and 12
DDay - May 2012
Married 14 years
In Reconciliation

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
dontknowanymore1
New Member
Member # 39238
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

hi, im new too so don't take me at my word lol

but what I got from it is that if ws sees you start to detach and build a life for yourself, he/she will start to see what life will be like without you??

I have heard a lot of people here say, you have to be prepared to loose your marriage/relationship in order to save it.


me bgf(25)
him wbf(44)
dday 7th may 2013
children 2
together 4 1/2 years
status want out

How can you love what you cant trust?


Posts: 49 | Registered: May 2013 | From: england
cali1002
New Member
Member # 39270
DOH!  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Thanks "don'tknow". That helps. Right now we're just acting like everything is peachy-keen. I go back and forth everyday on how much I love him and how much I hate what he did. Just working through it like everyone I guess.


Me - BS 44
Him - WH 52
Kids - 11 and 12
DDay - May 2012
Married 14 years
In Reconciliation

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
dontknowanymore1
New Member
Member # 39238
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

that's ok, im sure someone whos been here longer will be along soon to add more depth....... or correct me x


me bgf(25)
him wbf(44)
dday 7th may 2013
children 2
together 4 1/2 years
status want out

How can you love what you cant trust?


Posts: 49 | Registered: May 2013 | From: england
Topic Posts: 9