SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: My story
Unexpectedpain
New Member
Member # 39271
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I would like to share my story here. I apologize that it is a little long. I don't have many people that I can talk to. I have been happily married for 16 years. We have 4 children, some by birth and some by adoption, and we have 1 on the way. I never suspected anything was wrong in our relationship until 4-12-13, 2 weeks before DDay. That evening, I discovered that she had been texting and facebook messaging with OP for some time. He is a man that she had worked with on a few temporary jobs for about the last 9 months or so. I asked her about it and she assured me that they had just become good friends while working together and that there was nothing inappropriate about their relationship. I had never known of my wife to lie to me, and she is a very friendly and outgoing person, so this didn't really seem that unusual. However I had a bad feeling, so I began to investigate. I figured out her Facebook password and began to log into her account and read her private messages. I noticed that the messages they were sending each other would get immediately deleted after they were sent. On 4-26-13 (DDay) I logged in from my computer in the living room after she had gone to bed early. I watched about 20 minutes of them sending sexual messages and nude pictures to each other. I was devastated. We stayed up all night that night crying, talking, and yelling. She said that they had made out 3 times while they were working together, and that they had never had sexual intercourse, but had done everything but. She said the pictures and messages had started in February when their last job ended, and had progressed to the point that they had become very explicit. She has been very remorseful and says that it was just a stupid mistake. She sent him an email the next day saying that she could have no contact with him and wants to restore her marriage. Overall, she has been very good to me since DDay and that is helping. One thing that is really bothering me is that she is pregnant, and our conception date is right in the middle of the time that they were seeing each other. We had been having very regular sex at the time, but I know that if she is lying about sex with him, I could be in trouble. I did send him an email about a week ago and asked him for his side of the story and it does match hers exactly. I'm just in so much shock that I don't know what to believe. To make matters worse, two days ago, on 5/13, she broke down and confessed to an affair she had 12 years ago, that I never suspected. She had a 5 month long, sexual affair, and had decided to leave me. She says she had a change of heart during this time, decided to stay married, and ended the affair. I can't believe I never knew it was happening, but that was so long ago now that I can't hardly remember what was going on during that time.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read all of this. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart and I don't know what to do. I sometimes feel like leaving her, but I would really rather restore things, if possible. My wife and kids are really all I have. I have dedicated my whole life to them and don't really even have any friends outside of my family. She is the only person I have that I can really talk to, and that is making this even harder. I appreciate any kind words and advice.


Me BS 37
Her WS 38
DDay 4-26-13
Married for 16 years
Children 9, 8, 8, 7 +one on the way
My full story is on my profile

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Hi Unexpected

I am sorry for your pain, but you found a great spot. If you read the healing library (upper left , yellow box) it is a huge help.

Be ready, I know it will be a shock...but our cheating spouses lie.

This

it does match hers exactly

Happened to me and made me feel safer, until the other woman's husband broke into the other womans email and called me with the real truth.

They had coordinated their stories to be less than the truth and the same....ugh.

So most of us betrayed spouses find out more down the road. These cheaters seem to carry the same handbook.

We are here when you need to vent, bitch, yell...whatever. Many people and lots of views and support.

Take care of you and the kids and share when you need to. I am sorry your wife has sent you here.

Know that right now isn't the time for decisions. This is a roller coaster, so take the time you need to sort out what you want your life to look like going forward.

It's a good idea to find some therapists, you should both consider it, alone and later together to work on the marriage if thats the route you decide to take.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
lostgirl12
New Member
Member # 39223
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry you have to find the web site but know that you are not alone in this. I'm new but have been reading a lot in the healing library and it is very helpful. Like you I came here because I had no one totalk to about what was going on. I have read a lot of other peoples posts and everyone says that this is a huge shock so try and remember to take care of your self and also remember you don't need to make any decisions right now. Give yourself time to process what you are being told and what you are feeling. Being part of this "club" sucks but this is a good place to get information and support.


BW-me (26)
WH 27
Married 5yr together 8yr
DDay 4/24/2013
DS 3
DD 1

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

{{{Unexpectedpain}}}

I am SO sorry that you are dealing with this heartache and I truly wish you strength through this long, difficult journey.

At this point I would be cautious about believing what your W is telling you. So often, especially so close to Dday, they lie or tell half truths. Sadly, you usually find out that there is so much more to the story.

and asked him for his side of the story and it does match hers exactly

Because the WS/AP are master manipulators there is a strong possibility that they formulated "their story" together.

Cheaters are liars. Do not be too quick to believe what AP say.

I too walked in your shoes, my whole world fell part and I had no idea what to do. I knew one thing for certain, if my WH wanted to remain in our M he would work day in and day out to fix his mess. I would tolerate nothing less than a 100% remorseful WH, working daily to right his wrong. I did not care what he said, I cared what he did.

For 2.5yrs my WH has been a model WH. It has been a terrible journey, the worst thing that has ever happened to me, with many dark days (and that's with a truly remorseful WH who took more crap than most). About 1.5yrs into it I began to believe that yes, I we would survive this and I began to actually recognize myself again. My world, although I have sad moments on some days, is for the most part a happy one. There is hope and there can be happiness...I wish that for you.

ETA: I agree with Karma, find yourself an IC as soon as possible. Mine was instrumental in helping me navigate through this nightmare.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 7:52 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Unexpectedpain
New Member
Member # 39271
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your concern and kindness. You are all right, the lying is the thing that is really driving me crazy. Over the last 16 years, I've never known of 1 lie she has told me, until now. Now it seems like it's all lies, and every day I learn a little bit more of the truth. I've told her several times that I think all the lies are hurting me more than the acts themselves.

Karma and Riding,
I am planning to get into some kind of counseling, I've just got to find somebody to use. I live in a fairly small town and want to be careful about who I talk to.


Me BS 37
Her WS 38
DDay 4-26-13
Married for 16 years
Children 9, 8, 8, 7 +one on the way
My full story is on my profile

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

It is the lying. I wouldn't be half as mad if he had told me he was going to-I know insane. It's the betrayal of the whole thing. Who are these people who called our spouses?


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I would check the biological parentage of all your children that were not adopted. You really can't believe a word she says so you will have to establish the truth yourself.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry that you've had to join our "little" club. Misery does love company and the members are so nice and helpful. My D day was 8 days ago and the only thing keeping me sane is my visits to a counselor. I highly recommend you calling your doctor and getting a referral. You need to work on you first and then you can figure out what you want to do. I wish you and your family the best of luck and remember we're here for you, so please write away if it makes you feel better . Take care.


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
Unexpectedpain
New Member
Member # 39271
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Ok,
I think I will, just to be sure. Only one child is biological, besides the one on the way, and he looks just like me, like I cloned myself haha. But still, with all this new information, it couldn't hurt.

Morethanme,
she was my best friend. I still can't believe this has happened, it's crazy.


Me BS 37
Her WS 38
DDay 4-26-13
Married for 16 years
Children 9, 8, 8, 7 +one on the way
My full story is on my profile

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

what OK said. You need to check the dna of all your biological children. I'm really sorry you are here. But since she has proven that she is a convincing liar, you really don't know the status of things.

It occurred to me that the emotional betrayal of the affair coupled with the pregnancy may have caused her to come clean about the affair 12 years ago. In which case, she may be telling you the truth.

On the other hand, she may also be testing the waters. If you are ok with the old affair, then maybe the fact that she slept with someone else this time will be OK as well.

I'd try to prepare for the worst. Have you thought about what you would do if the new child isn't yours?

Again, I'm sorry you have found yourself here. I will tell you, if you do find yourself in this position, the people at this site will help you. I've found this site to be a life saver. Or at least a safe, sanity saver.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone. You have found a place full of wisdom, experience and hope.

Have you spoken with an attorney? You have rights and you need to know how to protect yourself. Even if you don't file, there is strength and peace of mind in doing so.

Others have already pointed out you can't trust anything that has been said. In my own experience, the damage control was already in place when I found out. Of course the stories matched. It was already decided by them what they would say.

I would suggest that you try to get a DNA analysis to verify you being the father. Some of our members who found out that they were not the biological father discovered in the state they live in they had a limited time to take action. I'm not saying what your decision would be if it were not your child but you need to know time lines for contesting. The bad news is some times the state automatically makes you responsible due to the fact you are married. Another thing to ask an attorney.

I might also suggest that you find a therapist that has experience with infidelity. Your church or house of worship may have someone on staff. You need to be able to let this out in real life. There is therapeutic value in being able to talk with some one and spew your feelings, worries and fear for the future.

Take care of yourself. Eat. Drink plenty of water. Avoid alcohol. Exercise. Sleep.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
Unexpectedpain
New Member
Member # 39271
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Thanks guys,
You know, I'm already a father to three wonderful children who aren't biologically related to me, so I think I could probably make that work, the problem is not knowing, feeling like I can't believe anything she says. It just all comes back to the lying. If I could know for sure that from now on she was being 100 percent honest, I think moving forward would be a whole lot easier.


Me BS 37
Her WS 38
DDay 4-26-13
Married for 16 years
Children 9, 8, 8, 7 +one on the way
My full story is on my profile

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 12