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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Told her tonight that I want D
imdimd74
Member
Member # 37667
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I haven't posted in a long time. For the past 3 months, we have been in MC. Overall, it has been helpful in terms of helping us understand each other's thoughts and how to better communicate. There have been moments of connection. She has also been trying to address my needs in terms of non-affair/pre-affair issues.
Through all of this, I still cannot bring myself to trust her or forgive her. I also don't feel love for her anymore.
Plus, she is still lying. She has repeatedly indicated that she has been NC with OM since January and I know that's not true. I gave her one last opportunity to come clean tonight and she didn't. She lied again. She said she would not be interrogated about A anymore.
I told her want D. She asked me if I was serious. If I had thought it through. If I really wanted to give up on our M. I confirmed that I want D. She said we have nothing to talk about, got up, went upstairs and went to bed.
I feel relieved and nauseated. Both. Deep down I feel like I'm doing the right thing, but damn this is fucking hard. A small part of me is like, "Shit. Did I just fuck up?"

Is it normal to feel this way?

I try to imagine forgiving her but it makes me sick to my stomach. I try to imagine our future together but it makes me sad, not hopeful. I have never been the type to give up. She has not stopped lying. We went to MC for 3 months. Did I really try? Is normal to feel both like I made the right decision but also guilty?


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 38
M: 5 yrs T: 8.5 yrs
DDay1: late August 2012
Dday2?: Feb 2013
A: EA? >2yrs?
DD: 3 years

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: East Coast
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

I could have written your post last October.

Right down to me telling him I want the D, and then thinking "Oh fuck, did I just screw up?"

We tried MC for about 3 months. I bent myself backwards and forwards trying to "get over" his affair. Trying to deal with him working with his slut. Trying to get over him lying to me constantly, hiding things, not being open to fixing us.

It was a fleeting thought, however, because his dooshbaggery came out pretty quickly.

It is totally normal to feel this way. Trust me, you'll get over it. I know I tried my damndest, and it just wasn't going to be enough because he really didn't want it. He played me, and I'm not letting him win in the end.

You'll move on, just like I am. Don't let her pity party for one mess with your mind.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)

Yep, absolutely normal. You committed for a lifetime. Letting that go is never easy. A marriage contract is not a suicide compact. Glad you see the difference.

Change the order of your statements a little and I can see why deep down you feel relief.

"Shit. Did I just fuck up?"

Nope

she is still lying. She has repeatedly indicated that she has been NC with OM since January and I know that's not true. I gave her one last opportunity to come clean tonight and she didn't. She lied again. She said she would not be interrogated about A anymore.

She ain't ever going to get it.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2979 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I think its normal. Shit, I did he very same thing myself. You get to a point where the lies after the fact become more of an insult to you then the A itself. Bottom line here is this. You cant R with a person who has no remorse. And in order to have remorse there must be total honesty. Not only to you, but herself as well. And without her being honest there is a very good chance that her behaviors will repeat themselves. In your case I feel she has regret. Regret for what I dont know. Perhaps for getting caught. But regret is not remorse. In my experience here at SI Ive seen couples successfully R. And they have all started with the following formula. Remorse, honesty and action. Without any of these ingredients it simply wont work. Good luck brother. Its gonna get worse before it gets better. D is a tough battle to fight. I suggest you use this time to prepare for the hostilities that are surely ahead.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5720 | Registered: Nov 2007
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

The mixed emotions are normal. It comes along with doing something you would prefer not to do, but know you must do.

Divorces take some time to go from start to finish. You'll have that time to evaluate and validate your feelings. I do agree that no remorse is really a death sentence for the marriage, though. It certainly was for mine, and I also had a two year old (and a five year old) in the equation.

Good luck.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Given what you have written; very, very normal and all you can do with what you have to work with. To me, when I filed the papers for her to be served, it felt like visiting the vet to have a pet put down... Hate to do it, it's extremely sad, filled with "what if's", but there are no other options.

Please be careful now that the D option has been executed; your WW attitude IMO and experience seems to indicate:

"buckle in for a hell of a ride"

My STBX went from "take everything", to being a complete raging PITA, extreme parental alienation, accelerating the lies, even ones that could be disproven in a few seconds with hard facts (W2's, tax forms, etc). One weird emotion I recall right out of the gate was seeing:

Smith vs Smith, plaintiff vs defendant, on the paperwork... Simply surreal, so clinical and "itchy" feeling.

It's also normal, and I think healthy for you to feel some much needed relief, and feeling of a more genuine, authentic life will soon be at hand, once you drop the yoke of existing with a lying, unremorseful cheater. Your situation will improve, and greater clarity and resolve is a gift you will realize.

Good luck, batten down the hatches, and get ready to spend some SERIOUS $$$.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

MC for me was a joke. Every week it was a forum for WXH to list all my faults and flaws and reasons why he cheated and dump all over me. While he acted like his A was he only thing he'd ever done wrong in his whole life. Then I found out he was still cheating the whole time we were doing MC, so it was all pointless anyway. Ugh...


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Yep what you are feeling is completely normal.

No you didn't fuck up, your WW fucked up when she had her A. I felt the same way when I made the decision to file but quickly got over that line of thinking once I reminded myself that my WW's decisions led us to this point even after I offered R.

If you haven't you will likely be mourning the loss of your M and what was. That rush of emotion caught me off guard and I didn't understand what was happening until the posters here pointed it out. That is normal as well. Going to the Lawyer to file had me anxious for days but after the meeting I felt calm for the first time in YEARS! It's still a tough road but once you make the decision to file you eventually realize that you do have a way out.

Just remember that your WW is no longer your friend. Even if the D is "amicable", until it is final she is to be considered the enemy on the other side in a WAR for your financial future and well being. Go see a lawyer and listen to them. D is about business not feelings so tell the lawyer what you want and then listen to there advice. Until the papers are signed and/or the judge enters the decree you are enemies. You can be friends or friendly again after the dust has settled and the D is finalized.

Go see a L, 180, and be kind to yourself. Also it is possible that you actually filing could "make shit real" for your WW and she may pull her head out of her ass but then again she may not. Just be prepared mentally in case she does and decide up front what you want to do. however fi you knwo she is still in contact with OM then she is still choosing a M of 3 and that won't work. So move forward with D, there is nothing to say that the 2 of you can't get back together at some point in the future if she chooses to "own her shit" and do the work.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:26 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Stay strong... It hurts like hell, I know. I'm going through it right now, but it is starting to turn better. Just remember you probably are mourning the marriage (how can you not). She broke it. God help us. Take good care.


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

All of those feelings are normal. This process sucks.

Hang in there and keep posting.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
imdimd74
Member
Member # 37667
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Everyone, thanks for the kind words. Weirdly, I'm already feeling less guilty today and a little more relieved.
We had already had MC planned for this AM so I went. Our MC has always been good about being objective and making me feel like my feelings are valid and that she understands. I explained my current feelings despite our progress in therapy. We started to veer off topic, and then I brought up how even last night WW lied again. She had stated repeatedly there had been no emails since January which I know to be untrue (I logged into her email one night and found several emails in her trash folder from 3 weeks ago - which I did not reveal.) For the first time since DD1,she offered information about their conversations that I didn't actually know about. She called to console him because he has cancer, blah blah blah. She said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to set us back even though I had repeatedly told her at home and in therapy about my need for total transparency. She apologized and asked for forgiveness. I didn't flinch and said that it may have made a difference in the past but it doesn't now.
After therapy, she came to me crying and apologizing for what she had done. She stated that she doesn't want to give up on our marriage. I said thanks for letting me know, but I have to get to work.
I'm staying in a nearby hotel for 2 nights as well as at a friend's house this weekend. I'm calling my L today or tomorrow (already on retainer).
I feel both relief and sadness right now, but more relief, more free. I've been apt shopping as well. I just have to find a good way to see my daughter without WW being there.


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 38
M: 5 yrs T: 8.5 yrs
DDay1: late August 2012
Dday2?: Feb 2013
A: EA? >2yrs?
DD: 3 years

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: East Coast
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I felt relief too...that was one of the things that told me I was doing the right thing.

I think we have all felt that "What did I just do?" moment, I think it is natural to feel fear walking away from the known into the unknown.

But, sometimes you just gotta leap. Refuse to be treated that way and go find a better life.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4182 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 12