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User Topic: I think I need more help
savvy
Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I am struggling with trying to realize that's its ok to be single. If I have had to go through anything stressful I always knew my H was there at the end of the day. How do I learn that I can handle what ever comes my way? I sometimes almost feel a panic attack thinking about having no SO. Does anyone else feel this way? I have family but its not the same. I hate dealing with fear on top of all the pain of the betrayal. Already on meds and in therapy. Any advice?

[This message edited by savvy at 9:49 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Savvy,

I am a year out from XSO following his heart into the sunset with OW.

I still battle the fears. I don't know if they will ever go away completely.

I use the metaphor 'how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." and take things one little bite at a time..it helps after awhile the elephant doesn't seem so large anymore.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Yes, I have this too. I haven't been single in 20 years!

A paradox surrounds me because I have fear of no one else ever caring about me or wanting to be a couple with me, but I am repulsed when I see couples or romantic things now.

Ironically, being independent does have its charm, but I've always felt I was born to be a married person with family of my own. Well, I have the kids but am thrust into single parenting while Perv lives in lala land with OW.

Yes, I have family too but they've always caused more agony than help and we do better with space-in different countries!

People already ask if I'm going to date or interested. You know, I see that men are out there and I even see some look at me, but it leaves me feeling very ...neutral. And opening myself up to that ever again just doesn't feel good right now.

Thanks for this post. It's things I think of everyday...is anyone "real" out there for me? Do I have anything to offer or was Perv right?"


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2202 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Yes, I have this too. I haven't been single in 20 years!

A paradox surrounds me because I have fear of no one else ever caring about me or wanting to be a couple with me, but I am repulsed when I see couples or romantic things now.

Ironically, being independent does have its charm, but I've always felt I was born to be a married person with family of my own. Well, I have the kids but am thrust into single parenting while Perv lives in lala land with OW.

Yes, I have family too but they've always caused more agony than help and we do better with space-in different countries!

People already ask if I'm going to date or interested. You know, I see that men are out there and I even see some look at me, but it leaves me feeling very ...neutral. And opening myself up to that ever again just doesn't feel good right now.

Thanks for this post. It's things I think of everyday...is anyone "real" out there for me? Do I have anything to offer or was Perv right?"


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2202 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I really hate cheaters. So your husband hooked up with a 30 year old with a daddy complex...urghh. I don't think you will feel its ok to be single, until you pass through some tests alone, and you will find you are ok. Until you are comfortable in your own skin and feel good being alone...but the aftermath of infidelity is counterproductive to getting a grip on these feeling. I am sure you feel like You have been traded in for a newer model. You pass through all the hardship, and frustration of raising children to be rewarded when things get a little easier with a hasty exit from moron (sorry, but he is). Time sucks, but in the end, everyone who is further away from DD will tell you...things get easier, the pain not so sharp, and we get our balance back...and you will too.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Savvy--my H and I are still married but he traveled tons throughout our marriage and for most of it he was unemployed or underemployed so if any bill was going to be paid then I was the one who had to pay it. In other words, the only one I could depend on was myself.

Here are my suggestions--

1) Pick something that scares you, something small, and then go do it. Tomorrow pick something a little bit bigger. As you achieve by yourself, you'll learn to believe in yourself.

2) Look around you at the strong and independent women you know (and there are many here on SI). Each one of them is just as human as you are yet they've kept body and soul together and are actually pretty happy doing it. Think of them when you start getting scared.

This week my car battery died and even if my husband had been home I knew I would be the one to fix it due to his health issues. I've never replaced a car battery but you know what?--millions of people have and I'm just as smart and capable as they are. So I bought the new battery, Googled how to change it, got the tools out and did it. I survived and the car didn't blow up and any day I can say those two things is a good day. Maybe you don't need a new car battery but there's something in your life that needs fixing. Find it and fix it. You're just as smart and capable as anyone else and you can do anything you set your mind to.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
luv_lost
Member
Member # 24621
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Savvy,

I think PeaceLove is right on target.

Also, I understand the feelings you have about coming home after a stressful day and there's no one to hold you or what not. Might I suggest a pet? I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my dog. I love my kids, but they're way too younug to know about what is going on with me and their father so I take my dog out and I literally talk to her during our walks....yes, I get stares but then I wear my bluetooth and people think I'm on the phone! ha! I can cuddle my dog, vent to her, kiss her and she just loves me.

I hope you find something that gives you some peace. You deserve it. (((savvy)))


BW (me) 31
WH 33
DS1 8 yrs.
DS2 1 yr.

Anniversary 6/09/04
DDay 6/27/09
Wedding 3/15/12
DDay2 5/5/13

presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...


Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Philly, PA
savvy
Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone. I do have a dog and a cat both very lovable they help. I just miss the man my husband was. My son who is 19 gives great hugs but I can't burden him with too much he already knows too much. I think I am going about this wrong, I think I am going to try to go about it at a different angle and find all the good things about being alone ( I hope I can find some) Didn't have such a great day, like many, I hate this rollercoaster. And those mind movies argh!! they creep in constantly!!! I am only hoping the movies my mind is playing are more glamourous than the real thing. grateful for SI!!!


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Topic Posts: 8