New Beginnings
User Topic: Sent text forgiving Ex WH
Member # 31652
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I sent a text last night forgiving the ex.

I've been reading about and thinking about forgiving for the last 10 months or so. From the beginning I completely got how forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving. But I just couldn't get there.

Last night I was doing my forgiveness research again. I still couldn't imagine saying the words to him. Then I read a blog about a woman who called her ex and simply said I forgive you for cheating and lying. That's it. She explained how changed she felt afterwards.

I was a bit envious because I am tired of living in the past with triggers and waves of anger, sadness and lack of confidence that come and go unexpectedly. I wanted post-forgiveness bliss.

So I decided just for practice to write my forgiveness speech. Making it simple just like the woman in the blog. I came up with...

I forgive you for lying to me, cheating on me, abandoning me and making me look and feel like a fool.

It took me all of 10 seconds to write this and after I was done, there was nothing left to say. This short sentence summed up everything that I've been feeling and everything that I wanted to communicate to him with my angry thoughts and remarks. It is everything that I wanted him to feel sorry about. Now I've said it out loud (okay over text message) and I don't feel that I need to say it or experience it again. This message felt so complete and honest that I felt like I needed to send it, right then and there. So I did.

I can't say that I am feeling post-forgiveness bliss. But I immediately stopped feeling the need to relive all the moments of my past marriage and betrayals. Some part of me wonders if the text message was pre-mature--hence the lack of bliss. However,I do feel a positive difference. I finally feel like I can move on, truly move on.

Has anyone else told their WS that they forgive them?

[This message edited by Fightingspirit at 11:32 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

BW 37
WS Who cares...
DD 3 yrs old
DDAY1 2/17/11
DDAY2 3/11/11
DDAY3 6/26/11
DDAY4 8/2011

Divorce finalized 7/2012

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Maryland
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

No. I will never forgive him or MOW for what they did. IMHO, forgiveness is earned, merited, and then given.

If it brings you peace to forgive him, great.

My life is so awesome that he occupies no space in it, but I still hope he dies a slow and painful death.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I have forgiven my x, and I told him so. In my case, it has helped me to let go and move on. Just know that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. You will still feel the hurt and sadness. But, if you forgive, then you are simply making the choice to not let the past rule you any longer. And that is what new beginnings are all about.

Me (BS)- 36
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Member # 31652
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Williesmom, I thought the same thing. I was waiting for him to earn forgiveness. But I realize now I have no control over him fixing his issues. He may never fix himself. And even if he did, I'm not sure he'd be able to convince me that he is now a decent person.

In the meantime, without forgiveness I imagine I would still be suffering.

BW 37
WS Who cares...
DD 3 yrs old
DDAY1 2/17/11
DDAY2 3/11/11
DDAY3 6/26/11
DDAY4 8/2011

Divorce finalized 7/2012

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Maryland
Member # 31652
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Thank you Survivor3512. I'm glad that you said forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling. I certainly feel like I made a good choice.

I'd been hoping for a blissful feeling---but that isn't what its all about really. I imagine the bliss is my living the rest of my life unencumbered by the past.

BW 37
WS Who cares...
DD 3 yrs old
DDAY1 2/17/11
DDAY2 3/11/11
DDAY3 6/26/11
DDAY4 8/2011

Divorce finalized 7/2012

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Maryland
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I don't know that I will ever forgive ex, but I know that I am done with it. That it is behind me (for the most part). I don't wake up every day with seething hatred. Most of the time I don't think of him ata ll.

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Fighting spirit- I just saw this as a post on a friends FB page and I think it sums it up perfectly.

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart."

Williesmom- I would never say forgiveness is for everyone. And I do think it's possible to move on without it. But, for me, it was something I wanted to do. I think it's different for each person and situation.

Me (BS)- 36
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I've accepted what XWH did, but I will never forgive him for it.
The acceptance allows me to move forward with my life and not dwell on his ugliness on a daily basis. I'm happy, but I know he never will be.

By accepting what XWH I mean I accept that those actions happened. I am not OK that they happened, I just acknowledged the facts and have moved on.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:23 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 16935
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I will never forgive my ex for doing what he did,... at least I would never tell HIM that he is forgiven. I have work yet to do to be able to get to the place where I forgive him, but then I do I will never, NEVER, EVER let him know this. In his demented selfish mind he did no wrong, not to me, not to the little brokens or to the rest of the family. He truly IS a very sick, sick man.

I realize that in order for me to truly go forward, I need to forgive, but like I said I am not there yet. Perhaps someday,.......

Posts: 2042 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 36784
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I did forgive my WXH and I told him via text as well.

And as you, I was waiting for that sublime peace feeling wash over me and it didn't happen....that day...but it did happen a few weeks later.

I knew I had to forgive him, it is rooted in my faith. I didn't have the power to do it on my own though, but prayed and asked God to help me. He did.

Realizations started to come, nothing I didn't know before, but this time I was able to see it more clearly...without my anger glasses on. Like the fact that my WXH is a carbon copy of his father and brother. Being wayward is all they know. It's like they're constantly trying to feel good about themselves by getting validation from anything with boobs and easily spreadable legs. The thing is, they can't even see it! They don't even know they're broken!

As a result I'm not going back and forth from present to in the past in my mind. I've even had a few days in a row where I didn't think about X at all. I'm more able to focus on my future.

I'm not saying I don't have down days, but I do feel much better.

X never acknowledged my text. No "thanks" or "whatever" or "your crazy"....nothing. I kind of expected that. But in the end it doesn't matter, I'm free. My mind is clear. I'm moving on.

I suspect that you too will now be able to move on. :)

Divorced Jan 2013

"Don't look back, the road is long."
- Needtobreathe

Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: IL
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I don't see the point in telling XH that I forgive him. We are not in touch and living our own lives. I think forgiveness is valuable for freeing myself mentally and emotionally for resentment I carry. I find I have to forgive over and over and over. I feel better for a bit and then it sneaks back. Overall it is progressively lighter but I still am not done 5 years later.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5871 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 31652
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Well a full 24 hours hasn't gone by yet but so far I am happy I decided to text.

Now that I've said it out loud and shared it with someone else (the ex), I'm not going to go back on my word. I've forgiven and I can already see that I don't see things through my angry lens either. I kind of feel like a small weight has been lifted.

I know longer feel it is my responsibility to make him suffer. I'm done. I don't have to feed my anger or go out of my way to make a snide remark when one is well deserved.

I hope I keeping feeling this was the right decision. I certainly can't take the text back. He also responded and was contrite---but I am indifferent to his response.

BW 37
WS Who cares...
DD 3 yrs old
DDAY1 2/17/11
DDAY2 3/11/11
DDAY3 6/26/11
DDAY4 8/2011

Divorce finalized 7/2012

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Maryland
Member # 35695
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Did he reply?

Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown

Posts: 472 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I did the same about 1 yr after separation. I also did it for me. No regrets and no more anger. I don't accept what he did but it no longer is my burden that he dumped on me.

He never responded to me but told his son that "See it was for the best." He'll never get it and I don't care.

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I forgive you for lying to me, cheating on me, abandoning me and making me look and feel like a fool.

I'm not sure that you felt the effect of truly forgiving because what you wrote doesn't sound like you are over it. The words sound angry.

With that said...I don't feel the need to forgive EX. I don't forgive him for what he did and won't, he doesn't deserve it. I haven't got over what he did to me and I don't think the "idea" of forgiving him will make me heal any differently.

I'm also not a religious person, so forgiveness is not engrained in me, so my thoughts may very from other's beliefs.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Not forgiving and perfectly at peace

It worked for you; that's great. It's just not my cup of tea.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20313 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

he does not deserve my "forgiveness" for what he has done to our family, and never will deserve it since he has just continued to be a big fucking asshole - growing larger by the day.

I will never forgive him for taking away my children's family, for spoiling their lives for such a long time, for taking away a very special time in my life where I had to deal with his selfish cheating ass instead of enjoying my life's dream come to fruition..

nope. He certainly deserves to rot in hell. And I know he will. Enjoy the heat babe!

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 31652
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

He did reply. He thanked me and says that what he did weighs on his conscience everyday and for the rest of his life. He thanked me for being a good mom to our daughter.

The last part could make me mad but I've moved on.

Maybe I'm able to forgive because I realize someone (a higher power) did me a favor. I would never have divorced him if he had not f'ed up so royally. I would have stayed in what I now know to have been a passionless marriage for the rest of my life.

Now I get another chance to be happy. And I don't want my other chances to be clouded by an angry funk.

Perhaps I could have moved on without forgiving. But sending that text seemed to turn off the angry switch for me.

BW 37
WS Who cares...
DD 3 yrs old
DDAY1 2/17/11
DDAY2 3/11/11
DDAY3 6/26/11
DDAY4 8/2011

Divorce finalized 7/2012

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Maryland
Member # 30707
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, May 17th (Friday)

I forgave my ex. I didn't text him though, I told him while we were driving somewhere getting a kid thing done. It's about me being over it, not him deserving it.

I'm happy for you

It's nice to let go.

What doesn't kill us makes us smaller. - Mario

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, May 17th (Friday)

It's really big of y'all that can do this.

I've forgiven XH in my mind to a degree, but I will never admit it to him out loud and the reason why is childish I suppose...

He's never once said he was sorry.

I have let go, but I simply cannot 'gift' him my forgiveness. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I feel okay and that's good!

Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, May 17th (Friday)

I just can't forgive. To much has gone on since. I can't let my guard down for a second, she is an aggressive woman that will take advantage of me whenever she can.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, May 17th (Friday)

This is a subject that does interest me, but I am not sure I understand it. Do I forgive WXW? I dunno. Have I moved past the pain and anger of the past? - yes, although there is lingering damage, but that is not about her. Do I need to forgive her? I dunno. I feel free of it anyway, so what does it do for me?


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, May 17th (Friday)

Hats off to you for being strong enough to do that....We all have different situations and in our heart when we feel strongly about something than we do it. I agree that forgiving and letting go is a huge step whether you let them know you forgive them or you just generally forgive them....In my case mine would probably say "forgive me for what"!!! and that would just piss me off so the fact that he acknowledges that he messed up helps "your forgiveness"....

3 beautiful boys (21,20 & 17)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
10/27/2014-Met a wonderful man 9months ago
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1098 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 17th (Friday)

For those of us who have ongoing conflict over issues affecting our children - and my conflict is pretty mild compared to what many others are going through - it's tough to forgive, as there are regular new hurts. I don't see forgiveness as likely until both kids have graduated from college.

But congratulations to you, your post was very nice to read.

Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

About 10 months after our divorce (which was 4 years after D-day), I had one of those forgiveness releases. I had an overwhelming urge to tell ex I forgave him, so I wrote a very brief email. I thanked him for all the good things I knew to be true in our marriage, and wished him all he wished for himself. He was free.. I was free. It felt great! The monkey of pain jumped off me.

I honestly did not expect, or want a response from ex. I recognized I wrote that email of forgiveness for me. And I heard nothing from ex for 2 months ... and then, a few days after the 1 year divorce anniversary date, ex filed with the court for a divorce do-over. It was nutso, and costly. I can't even go there in my mind. The words "phucking idot" keep popping up. Gahhhh....!

After that I took on a different attitude towards ex. I feel now that the man I loved, spent 20+ years with, and had kids with, has died. This thing that looks like my ex, is just a bad copy. Kind of like the roach-man Edgar in the movie "Men In Black". I illogic that an alien is now inhabiting my ex husbands' body. He is NOT my friend. He does not care about me, or appear to care for our children. I see no evidence that he has any memory of our two decades together. The whole thing beyond my comprehension. I do not know how it is possible for a human who seemed so wonderful, so kind, caring and compassionate, to be as ex is now. To help me cope, I think of my ex as the before person, and the after person.

I have nothing to forgive this new ex. I am simply thankful this alien did not inhabit him when we were married!

[This message edited by luv2swim at 6:01 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

Me: BS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

I don't know if I forgive XWH#1 or if I just developed indifference to him. Either way, it doesn't really matter to me anymore. I am just glad that he seldom crosses my mind anymore. We are cordial when we have to be and that is just fine with me.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 37891
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

I have also fairly recently forgiven my husband, but I don't feel a need to tell him. Our kids are grown up and we rarely see each other and never communicate about anything. Forgiving him has been a long process guided by my Faith and its important to me because it lets me be the person I believe I should be, not because it makes any difference to him, he doesn't see that he did anything that wrong The biggie is now finding some degree of forgiveness for her...that will take longer but I'm content that I no longer wish hateful things for steps in a longer process.

Me; BW
Him; sadly passed away now...
married 24 years
including 10 years of false R
3 wonderful grown kids
Divorced Dec 2011

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 27