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New Beginnings
User Topic: Never say Never
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

I am moving in with SO of 3 years. I really thought we had a perfect relationship living in separate homes. He is 65 and I am 52. He's been married 2x, me once to XWH. Neither of us see the need to marry again. We love each other and are completely committed to each other.

I am having some fear. I spent 25 years with XWH from age 19 to 44. We grew up together so I wasn't sure at all when we D who I was as an individual. I spent the last 8 years figuring it out.

I'm very comfortable with who I am now. I am worried about letting go of this new independent woman. When I was married, I compromised A LOT. I haven't had to compromise with a living companion as I learned about this "new" me.

I don't want to give up my individuality, but I don't want to be inflexible. It will take some adjustment to find that balance - to figure out what is worth holding the line on and what I should give on. I don't think it will be anything big - we mostly agree on the big things. But I know those little things can add up to a lot of stress if not handled properly.

I don't know what I'm asking for other than support as I embark on this new adventure. I'm not even sure when this will happen because we are both so damn busy and I need to sell my house.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

From my (longer then me) single friends in our age group... they tell me that once they found themselves as they got older they were less likely to let her go in a new relationship.

I am hoping that you discover the same is true for you.

Good luck and keep us posted on your NB 2.0.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5067 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I'm sitting here cheering you on... It's a big step but one I'm sure you've weighed the pros and cons...

Keep us updated on what it's like...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

i have had and still have the same fear...but it's not happening so far. so far, i see myself standing up for what i need, calmly (mostly) and firmly. mainly i just won't live with unresolved issues or eggshells. it gets challenging, we do conflict. many times i've winced, and then caught myself thinking, "it's the beginning of the end!!!" and been able to tamper the drama and the fear. sometimes it's me catching myself in my less wonderful moments and choosing differently. sometimes its not allowing myself to feel put in "my place," or controlled by others. i've had to maintain some discipline - whenever i start feeling uncomfortable with him for some reason, i try first to find the source of my reaction. i also make sure i'm not looking too critically at my relationship in efforts to avoid the scary parts of fulfilling myself first.

you'll be better at it this time. the work you've done on yourself will show. it has for me. i'm loving it here, though i remain vigilant about noticing old patterns or fears come up.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:22 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


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life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Cool  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

I wish you and your SO the best life together.
To find love and happiness again is truely a blessing !

You (I think your SO also) have the tools for a strong loving relationship that the young woman that married so many years ago didn't have a clue about.

we mostly agree on the big things. But I know those little things can add up to a lot of stress if not handled properly.

Some very important life lessons you learned the hard way NL.
Enjoy the journey of planning and getting the house sold. It's all for your future new chapter.
Hugs

Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20371 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

It is always a delicate balance to keep the best parts of ourselves while being open to change and compromise as we work to allow another person "in"

I think you will work it out. You are both completely committed to each other, so that tells me that even though it may take a little time and some getting used to, you will figure it out. Good luck on another "new beginning!"


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15227 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Here's a piece of advice every woman should hear - don't let him turn you into the housemaid. Seems whenever a guy has a woman move in, he suddenly becomes crippled from that old war injury and can't even wipe his own ass.

So my advice?

Make sure he CONTINUES doing his own share, as he was doing before you moved in.

Unless he's a millionaire.

Then it's different.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone!

I hashed out a lot of FOO issues in therapy after the D. My father was an alcoholic and the atmosphere growing up was (at times) very chaotic. Since I was the baby of my family and raised as virtually an only child, I often found myself in the role of peace-keeper.

That is something I fell into during my marriage. However, over the years resentment festered. Since I abhor conflict, I would become passive-aggressive. Not something that I'm proud of, nor do I want to slip into that mindset again.

We are very good at communication - SO has also learned a lot about himself and relationships over his lifetime and made changes.

Guess I just have to take the step and believe that we will work it all out. If not, I can and will take care of myself. Best lesson learned from this whole ordeal.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Awww, this is so sweet! I wish the best to you NL. It sounds like you've got a handle on how to do this and not lose yourself again. Yay!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5119 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

Aw, congrats, NL... happy for you and SO.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15393 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 17th (Friday)

Congrats NewLease. We are the same age and I also feel attached to my independence and addicted to not compromising in my living space. Still, it is really a new adventure for you as you have never lived with anyone being who you are now, and your SO is a more considerate man I think. You are a brave one and I wish you all the best.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, May 17th (Friday)

Wishing you all the best as you start this next journey together.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25305 | Registered: Aug 2011
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 19th (Sunday)

Congratulations :)

Just a thought, have you considered renting your house out, at least for awhile, so you retain your options even as you transition to living with your SO?

I apologize if this comes off as cynical ... Just believe you should watch out for YOUR best interests.

If things go great, you can always sell down the road. If they don't ... You've got a place to return to.

Good luck and I hope it does go great for you and SO!


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
Topic Posts: 13