Topic: Dead Inside
Member # 38928
| Posted: 1:46 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
I really feel like I am having an out of body experience, and I am totally dead inside. I am going through the strategic motions like moving his shit into a storage trailer on our property, having the house appraised (he has an inflated opinion of its value), getting FMV of all major assets, asking hard questions about hidden assets, etc., but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I don't care about anything on the inside, and nothing brings any happiness or joy to me. I just don't care. If he came groveling back tomorrow, I wouldn't care. If he got run over by a bus, I wouldn't care. I go to work (three jobs) and go through the motions, but I don't want to be there. Everything I do is like looking at it from outside my own body. I just want to get my youngest DD graduated from high school (2 years) and on her own path in life. Other than that, I just don't care about anything. I feel like he has literally killed me, but I will never let him know that (he doesn't care, so there is no point).
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:46 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 37215
| Posted: 2:58 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
Oh Phoenix1, you are so brave to post this. Please see your doctor. You don't have to feel this way. You will be in my thoughts today. He may not care but WE DO! Please contact either your doctor or therapist and tell them what you wrote here.
Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!
Posts: 2234 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 32785
| Posted: 4:54 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
It's your brains way of protecting you from the initial shock Hun and is normal. I say initial but it does not necessarily need to be related to the first pain if discovery or divorce and can happen at any stage when things start to get overwhelming.
You ARE taking action to get your life back on track which is healthy. Do you have a decent support structure in place?
Posts: 510 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Member # 28622
| Posted: 6:00 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
It will get better!!!
I agree with talk to your doctor. These feelings are completely normal but you don't want to get "stuck" feeling this way.
From what you write, I would guess you are exhausted, mentally and physically. How COULD you find the energy to care???
Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 32664
| Posted: 6:34 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
I understand exactly what you are feeling. I too was left with the house to deal with while he played king of lalaland.
You will wake up inside again.
Start with the small stuff. Mine was a view of a mountain with palm trees down the street from me. I looked at that one day against a blue sky and asked myself how anyone could be in a bad mood when there is such beauty in the world. Every day I stop myself to look at that.
You'll find your smile, your inspiration. It's just taking a little break for awhile.
Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.
Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Member # 35229
| Posted: 7:22 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
I also suggest talking to your doctor.
I also agree that it is a way of coping with the shock. I describe it as going numb. I had been numb on/off for the last 5 years of my M but it was different in those first few weeks of S.
Acceptance? Freedom? Surrender? I don't know what it was but when it happened it was like the fog lifted suddenly one day.
((Phoenix)) Know you're not alone.
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
Posts: 5579 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 31468
| Posted: 7:27 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
Together 9 yrs
Status: Divorced 4/27/11
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Posts: 4563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 1224
| Posted: 8:51 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
I understand. I am the same way. Just go through the motions. Most days I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning but my kids need me, for now anyway. I don't have the strength to come back from this a second time. I wish I could tell you something more positive, maybe you just need more time. Just know you are not alone in this hell.
But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h
Posts: 598 | Registered: Mar 2003
Member # 32554
| Posted: 9:26 PM, May 17th (Friday)|
I get that way sometimes, too. ((((HUGS)))) It passes. That's all I can say to encourage you. It passes.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 34073
| Posted: 4:44 AM, May 18th (Saturday)|
or ...you could try to look at the funny side of it?
...sometimes that's all you can do
" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks
"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead
Posts: 678 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
Member # 36134
| Posted: 8:42 AM, May 18th (Saturday)|
Sounds more like numb than dead to me. You sound like you're functioning just not feeling. To me that means numb. And it is a step. eventually you will come out of it. If you think it's lasting too long, see your Dr.
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 39114
| Posted: 9:22 PM, May 18th (Saturday)|
hi Phoenix!!! I agree with the others that you are numb and I worry about how you might feel when the numbness wares off and the impact of the feelings start. Please go see your doctor if it's the only thing you do (besides eating and staying hydrated!).
I'm sorry I don't have much more to add to help you but your message made me at least want to write and give you support and encourage you to reach out for help. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and please do it, even if you don't care. Do it for someone you love.
Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
|Topic Posts: 12|| |