Wayward Side
User Topic: wayward trigger
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, May 17th (Friday)

No biggie but thought I'd share.

After d-day, BH commented about how he knew something was up because of how much care I'd put into my appearance. Perfect makeup, etc.

So, just now he says to me that I'm wearing more makeup than usual today. (I wear very little makeup in general) I said, 'Really?' He said, 'Yes' and I said, 'It wasn't intentional'.

It made me feel bad because I didn't want him to think anything was up. And I went back to the old neighborhood today to have lunch with a friend, so I wonder if that is related to his remark.

The good news is that after almost 6 years he can mention it and now it's over.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38059 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 17th (Friday)

I occasionally realize I'm doing things that I used to do during the A (along the lines of what you're talking about), and I wonder if XH notices or if it triggers him.

He never mentions anything, but I get a clench in my stomach, wondering if he's reminded or if he's suspicious. Everything I do nowadays is on the up-and-up and there would always be a logical non-A reason for any of my behavior, but it triggers me too just the same.

Thanks for posting this. I'm glad you and your H are able to deal with this stuff openly and let it go.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:28 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 17th (Friday)

I can relate to this.

When my BH and I are out and I put on lipstick, I feel the same way. I don't really wear it, but I like to when we go out at times. Yet, I also feel guilty. I don't put it on to impress anyone, more to make me look nice for him...

Progress is Good!

BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 17th (Friday)

I wear dresses to my dance class and have been wearing makeup occasionally and my heart clenches sometimes because I'd started dressing up more in the build up to A. A coworker commented on it one day and I said no I was just feeling better about myself recently. I really had been feeling better but for the wrong reasons of external validation. Now I just try to look good externally on a regular basis for me and for SO.

AN I'm happy that you've made progress. It scares me that it might take 6 years but the year since I had A has gone by more quickly then I imagined it would feel. Coming up on 9 months since DDay which feels like its barely been a month.

Sorry I'm all over the place. AN I'm happy for you and your posts always give me hope.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, May 17th (Friday)

It's good to feel understood. Thank you all .

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38059 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

As much as we ALL wish that the triggers would disappear for good someday, I think this is a huge testament to how healthy your communication is now.

I'm sorry you guys had a fleeting bummer. I'm really glad you shared though - it's welcome inspiration.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17851 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

I agree with Jrazz. Thanks for sharing this.

Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

BH here. Hoping my triggers will disappear someday. A remorseful wife helps.

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 8