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Just Found Out
User Topic: How rotten & How deep?
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

How rotten? How deep?

So my wife has had 2 full blow sexual/emotional affairs (she admitted to as i have the proof) and started a 3rd as the second was fading. Going on right under my nose, in our house, in our bed, in our pool. She has seen ex boyfriends on trips away (kept secret from me), left a string of phone numbers i can't identify and look very suspicious(area code+time of call+duration). She has a second sim card/cell number (secret pay as you go type), a second email address (secret) that i can't access. A second Skype address. Also, I found phone numbers jotted on boarding passes, credit card payments, "cookies" form sex chat forums on her laptop. A stash of gifts, photos, thongs, fishnet stockings, sexy underwear a vibrator (used!)... and that's all I found! so there IS more!

All this from a wife who's your classic good girl, friendly but quiet in nature, never been so keen on sex or intimacy. A wife who's value system is women's rights, equality, integrity, honesty and transparency (both work and personal). Someone who i respected greatly for her beliefs and stood behind, supported and looked up to for it.

Need i say, D-Day was also Mind-Fuck Day. I had to read (shout)a sexually explicit letter from one of her lovers to her in order for her to admit to the affair(s). Even while i read it she was looking at it like: who me, what, i can explain, you don't understand!!!?
So the horror for me is still only creeping in bit at a time. I have not had the strength to read that whole letter, 2 pages worth, it's so toxic.

So if all that's not bad enough, she has said sorry TWICE since March. And i mean she just that: "I'm sorry" short and cold. The few tears she has shed are out of GUILT, not sorrow, seeing me break uncontrollably , crying like someone i love had just died. As long as i'm not falling apart or pushing her with my Why's and questions she's FINE!!!Happy wife, business as usual!

She says she wants to give our marriage a second chance, she loves me (Wow!), and she sees a future with me (Gulp). I do love her despite all this (yes shoot me now!) but her lack of effort (denial), lack of ACTION, and disregard for my triggers are of serious concern. She seems to think that by saying "she's going to try" it's enough, and i should respect her word! But Oh, how cheap are words to a liar?

My worst fear is that she's not giving up this second life of hers. She's trying to smooth it over with me at the same time continuing her disgusting deceit.

Anyone out there have a similar experience? Help, I can't see the wood for the trees right now.

Totally BrokenBill


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

Welcome to SI, Bill, the best club you don't want to belong to. Have you read anything in the Healing Library? It is located in the yellow box in the Upper left hand corner of this page. Pay particular attention to the BS FAQ's great wisdom and info there. Also, really look at #11 all about the 180. I feel you need to implement the 180 immediately for your own mental health.

WS's say a lot of stuff, but that doesn't matter. What matters is actions, and your WW has not been doing any actions that signify that she is remorseful. I would agree with you that you probably do not know the depths of her betrayal yet and that I wouldn't doubt that she is continuing in these betrayals of you.

Besides love, what is keeping you with her? You don't have children it looks like.

It is very slow on the weekends, Bill, and the Reconciliation forum doesn't get as much traffic as other forums do. Can I recommend you going to the ICR forum (I Can Relate Forum) and posting your story in the Betrayed Men's thread? The men there are so awesome and can give you some spot on perspective.

I also see you read the thread "Things Every WS needs to know". Did you print it out and give it to your WW to read? I would suggest you do that, too, and see if her actions improve.

(((BrokenBill)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

BrokenBill

I am sorry you are here and for what you are going through. I want you to know you have been heard and are not alone.


I am just walking out the door for work but I will check back again later. Weekends are kinda slow here buy I am sure more people will be on to respond.

In the mean time check out the healing library in the upper left corner. Also check out the threads in JFO tactical primer, before you say reconcile, and great post for newbies. Have your wife read everything a WS needs to know in the wayward forum if she is willing.

Eat, sleep, drink plenty of water, get some exercise, keep reading and posting. Its a long road.

[This message edited by Chicho at 8:12 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

BB...Your story is beyond similar to mine, it is almost carbon copy. UI cannot say that I am in a safe place right now in my marriage, but I can tell you she has not continued her evil ways. There is a level of satisfaction for me in knowing that if I ever am suspicious again...I walk. I told her this, and she knows it is truth. There are no passwords, secret e-mails, no going to bars with the girls anymore. She had free reign to do whatever she wanted, and she slipped on the banana peel. I gave her choices, and for now, she chose family. We are R at a snails pace, but slowly heading in the right direction. Restoring faith and trust is soooo damn hard, and it takes a long, long time. I suggest you think long term on this R...make a game plan for your dealbreakers, and stick to them for you sanity. Good luck my friend.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

BB, your situation sounds awful. I'm sorry. The advice above makes sense to me.

My WW had one LTA and had a difficult time saying sorry at first, but that's getting better now.

Not to make excuses for her, but she comes from a family/cultural background where admitting mistakes is seen as a weakness.

The only thing that's helping is going to MC.

I'm a firm believer in it.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

SisterMilkshake & Chicho

The 180 i'm trying to do, good concepts but very hard in reality! I have always given my wife the real me, no pretense, no disguise. I thought i had married someone who loved me for who i am.

I gave up my my country, career, friends, family and moved everything 1/2 way across the world to be with her! This is not simple or easy situation and thank god there are no kids involved.

As it stands all our wedding vows lie shattered, not a single one honored (we wrote them together, in our own words). If we make it, and we do have kids, before she gets pregnant, she signs everything to me, custody, assets, EVERYTHING, or i'm gone -> That's non negotiable.

I did read "Things Every WS needs to know" and she's not doing a single thing mentioned there. NO, I have not printed it out for her! Up to now i have been the one pushing, making the effort, printing articles, setting aside time to talk, the one always talking during that time, finding books to read, etc.

She only does something when i get angry or prod her. Never her own inituative. She has so many resources at her finger tips, her work even offers a free confidential counseling service to employees! Still nothing!

She shows no remorse whatsoever you are right. That's killing me more that the whole sex thing. She still goes drinking (without me) at the place where all this filth started (?) and gets upset when i say i'm not happy about it!!! Kick my triggers why don't you? All so disrespectful.

I'm hitting the gym, the road and the tennis court with all my anger. The only way to sleep right now is through exhaustion, best i can do is 5hrs. I'm forcing myself to eat , fruit mostly, and started vitamin supplemental too. Lost 14kg in the first 4 weeks, have not dared get on the scale since April.

SI has been a god-send, thanks to all of you who work at SI and everyone who posted their pain. The BS FAQ is excellent. The Tactical Primer is also of great value, i need to re read that.

I have, and continue to put my best foot forward, being positive and strong. Trying not to see myself as a victim.

Trying to understand and support her, making a space for her to come out of denial (Fog). Changing in me what i don't like about myself, listening to her criticisms of me and growing on a personal level ...To me that's being a MAN. The balls to face yourself! (This is all at considerable emotional cost.) Not sure how much longer i can take it/wait for her to come round.

Regards Bill

[This message edited by BrokenBill at 12:02 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

keptmypromise and FeelingSoMuch

Thanks for your replies, I posted before i read your comments.

I can't deal with the fact that she just doesn't give a fuck and this was all just a sham!

[This message edited by BrokenBill at 11:58 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

You posted in the Reconciliation thread. R is a two-way street, and you're clearly the only one on the road.

She is a cake eater, and it sounds like you just keep baking and decorating. I'm a WS, a liar and a cheater, and I've been where she is. Pretending to be the happy wife, while living a secret double life as a carefree single slut. It was a disgusting, horrible thing, and I am so ashamed of myself.

Now we are in R, together, and I'm probably not working hard enough. But I am so sorry, and I am in it to win it.

If I went out drinking right now...alone...are you kidding me!?! He would tell me to GTFO. That is not the behavior of a remorseful wife who wants to work things out, that's a cheater, cheating.

Run. Before you have children, before you lose more weight and put yourself in the hospital. Run. See an attorney on Monday, if you haven't already.

I'm not saying R isn't possible. But doing the 180 and seeing how it lands for her, will tell you a lot. She has to want R, she has to repent, and agree to your conditions.

Changing in me what i don't like about myself, listening to her criticisms of me and growing on a personal level ...To me that's being a MAN.

Listening to her criticisms is valid, in the absence of an A. You may be partially responsible for your relationship problems, but you didn't have an A. That was all on her. That is not even a little bit your fault.

Quit baking and frosting, and start taking care of yourself.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1110 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

Hi, Bill, I just wanted to add there is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for Betrayed Men.

You might want to check it out and get some more insight from the group there.


Posts: 7473 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

So sorry you are here, Bill, but welcome.

Are you in IC? It may help. Too soon for MC, IMHO, because she is not being honest. But I worry that she may have some serious issues. My fWH recently disclosed childhood sexual abuse and I have learned alot about it. I just wonder if your wife has some deep seated problems.

She is being beyond cruel. I would not be able to live in a home with someone behaving like that; just acting like it should be business as usual when you are destroyed.

I wish you well.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

Hi, 20WrongsVs1

Good to hear from a WS, thank you.

Sorry, i clearly posted in the wrong place, under R. You are right, we are not in R! I hadn't wanted to admit that. I will try harder to 180 and throw out the cake tin.

My wife is such a

"carefree single slut"
when we are out together her body language is off the chart and the inappropriate comments from her (to men) are just shameless. I'm seeing this now with fresh eyes now the trust has gone, i was so blinded.

Funny you mention the lawyer, i got the number from a friend via email a minute ago. I am going to call Monday and get that info. I have also packed 2 boxes of my most precious personal items last night should i decide to up sticks.

I am ready to leave, but don't want to. It's fear plane and simple, i know.

180 180 180 180 180!

Good luck with your R, thanks again and for goodness sake, try harder!!!

Bill

[This message edited by BrokenBill at 1:35 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

BrokenBill, welcome. Sorry that you had the reason to come find us, but welcome.

Yes, every marriage has problems. Some of them have really horrible ones. But, and this is a crucial but, you were in the same marriage and didn''t decide to go out and screw someone. If you have problems in a marriage, you talk about it, discuss it, get counciling, maybe even separate and divorce. Those are all steps that moral, sane people take. You had a front porch that had some termite damage. Instead of treating the damage, your WW threw a nuclear bomb on the house. Now there''s no house. And she''s telling you to suck it up because the radiation in the soil isn''t that bad.

All of her affairs, every one of them, are ALL on her. She made the decision to have them. She didn''t just happen to trip over her high heels and end up "compromised." Whatever your termite problems in your marriage were, the radiation of her affairs have to be taken care of first.

(((hugs))) Keep talking. We''re here for you. If you''d like, you can ask the moderators to move your thread to the JFO (just found out) forum.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4724 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

I am ready to leave, but don't want to. It's fear plane and simple, i know.

Good for you buddy you are well on the way to clarity. Now you just need to understand that what you REALLY should be afraid of is living the rest of your life in fear and distrust of your partner. compared to that, the fear of losing someone who is already betraying you should be tiny. You deserve better. If you really love her, then you need to risk losing her. Lay down the law with your rules for reconciliation and make damn sure you hold her to them


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 19th (Sunday)

Please note that since this thread has been moved to JFO, it is now closed to WS responses.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
whatlysbeneath
Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

BB,

Our situations are similar but with important differences.

You have just discovered her affairs, I am 3 yrs out.

You do not have children, I have 4 young ones.

Like you, I am honest and transparent, I believed I had won the wife lottery. My wife deliberately pretended to mirror/share my values to gain my trust first then me.

Take as much time as you need to make the choices you can live with.

Friend, if I did not have children I would NOT be with my WW! She is in surface R but refuses to be completely open and honest.

Please don't bring an innocent child into this relationship anytime soon. Would you want a mother like this? You and your WW are adults. Adults get to make choices, children do not!

I have stayed this long and suffered this much because I believe I owe this effort to my children.

You are seeing a lawyer, good move.

Do get tested for STDs as soon as possible. Almost all Cheaters lie about having unprotected sex, please don't bet your life on it!!

If you choose R, have ONLY protected sex until you are certain she is faithful.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, May 20th (Monday)

Thanks whatlysbeneath,

No remorse and not trying is what's killing me. She's not in a Fog, she's in a cage. A brain of steel boxes.

I did get Tested for std's & HIV. She had unprotected sex and didn't want to get herself tested until i threw a total fit!

The horror of it all is that i think this behavior has been going on since before we were married, when we were dating. Looking at the patterns of depression and crying etc.

It's a lot to deal with and the anger is eating me alive. I can hardly contain my anger right now.

No kids but i didn't get married to have kids! I got married for the love and security of a single committed partner, someone to share my life etc. Kids for me would be a product of that, not the reason for it.

Kids are not on my mind by any stretch of the imagination!


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, May 20th (Monday)

Welcome brother. I think your assertion of the situation is pretty good. Without remorse and more importantly percise action on her part there is never going to be a chance of R. The woman has been living a double life and likes it. My XWW was the same way. I never thought in a million years she would be doing what she was. Image of a happy home life was something she always projected. But inderneath it all lied a very dark and twisted lifestyle. And to be honest all these years later I still dont know the depth of her depravity. You dont have to make a decision right now. Take time to digest what has happened. You are only scratching the surface here and Im sure there is much more to the story. Get as much information as you can and make your decision. Of course you love her and want the M to get better. But without her participation its a waste of your time to even try. You can not change her. You can not change yourself to please her. You can not nice her back into the M. Sadly the only weapon you have right now is your choice to stay in the M or not. I feel its imperative that you take a hard line and make demands of what it is you need in order to stay. Any form of compromise or weakness on your part will be seen by her as a way to continue her wicked ways.

This is going to get worse before it gets better. You must concentrate your energies on healing yourself. Infidelity is a deep and hurtfull emotional wound that takes time to heal from. Its in this hurt emotional state that a WS will try and take advantage of the situation. Some like your WW will claim remorse only to get the heat off. Others simply rub the shit in your face. And some even attempt to make you believe that all is going well while they continue cheating on the down low. I have found that the best course of action is to assume and prepare for the worst. If things happen to work out thats great. If not at least your prepared. Do not under and circumstance allow her to blame this on you. This is solely on her. And if she wants the M to work she will accept any terms you set and work her ass off in order to fix herself. If not its never gonna get better. Again welcome and keep posting and reading.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5613 | Registered: Nov 2007
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Thanks stronger08

Your wisdom is duly noted, thanks for your time and advice. Sorry, you have clearly been through this. I hope you are out the other side now

It most certainly is getting worse. I was screaming at her on the phone just now and getting nowhere, just sceaming and pushing her into justification mode. She puts me last on her list of priorities and i'm angry and just sick of it. I have the lawyer on Thursday and counseling on Friday, preparing for the worst, trying to 180 and hating it all!

As my good friend said, i'm just giving up my dream, because in reality life with my wife the past year and a half has been awful, empty and cold. So let it go, ...it's just a bad dream.


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I'm sorry, but the most amazing thing to me is why you would ever consider reconciliation. The degree of betrayal is so huge and unsurmountable; and you know its going to continue. This alternative lifestyle is so incredibly exciting to your wife she just can't give it up. She craves validation from men and she just can't turn it off because you demand that she does.

Either tolerate her infidelity and request that at least she makes sure that the children are yours, [no guarantees however], or divorce this woman before she gets pregnant with one of her lovers.

Once you really decide to end this marriage a lot of the anger will dissipate. I don't think your wife will be very troubled; there is no room for love in her type of mindset.

Read up about this type of WW, who flirts constantly and whose validation needs are bottomless. At least you will see how intractable of a problem this is, and the diminished probability that she will be able to relate normally [and faithfully].


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Suspicious  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 20th (Monday)

BB

I am sorry you are going through this. SI is a Godsend.

You know your journey and path - we each have our own - but you are better than being treated like this. You are. You know this.

Define your boundaries and if they aren't met - leave. You given more than enough and repeatedly.

Your WW has no reason to change bc she doesn't have to. There have been no real consequences for her actions.

It sucks and it hurts but you deserve truth, honesty and love. You have none of that now.

3 strikes = she should be OUT

Sending hugs - keep moving


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

1Faith and Ok-now

Thanks for your insights and comments.

I believe that everyone deserves a second chance and some room to make up for what they have done. Also i didn't want to leave my marriage thinking i hadn't tried to at least understand what and why this all went so wrong, for both of our personal growth.

You are correct, she has no consequences to face so why bother. Her game is way more fun, indeed. I have kept it totally hush to preserve her reputation at work and socially.

She has no remorse, justifies her lack of actions, then gets on the defensive every time. Our conversation this morning indicated to me that she has one foot out the door: In her words - " I'm going to get counseling on my own and start a new life of my own!"

Here i was trying my hardest to get some reconciliation! Wow, this is moving fast.
I'm seeing the real beast i married now...


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

*You are correct, she has no consequences to face so why bother. Her game is way more fun, indeed. I have kept it totally hush to preserve her reputation at work and socially.*

Once you decide that reconciliation is off the table there will be little to no reason to protect her reputation socially or at work...IMHO
Hugs


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Bill, you know what you need to do. You need to leave.

If she was remotely remorseful, looking like R was even in her lexicon of possibilities, then I get giving her that second chance.

But she isn't, is she? Please understand that the pain you feel is something only YOU feel right now. She isn't feeling it. She's not upset, except to feel angry.

Everything you're giving her right now has no value to her.

You need to leave. It doesn't have to be forever. If she really wants to R, if there are good things to salvage, then you can work on them in a safe place. Being faced with her apathy or anger is only amping your pain and reinforcing the disparity in her emotional stance.

Be in a safe place, Bill. She isn't a safe place for you now.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
zenhouse
Member
Member # 30231
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Bill, sorry to see that you are suffering. It is hard and it does blow your mind.

I am about 2.5 years in, and one thing that I learned through this is that it really is not about my WW, it is about me, in the sense that my WW's behavior does not deprive me from making choices and taking action on my own.

Ultimately, the question changes from "how could my WW do this to me" to "what I am going to do about it.". With that change in focus comes power. It can be hard to get there, though, because your world has been rocked and naturally you are turning to the person you love the most for help...except she is the cause of your pain.

Take a look at the 180 in the BS FAQ. It wil help you to recover from the shock here by moving your focus back on to yourself, and what is best for you.

Good luck. You will get through this.


Me: BH-44. Her: WW-44
D-Day: 10/31/2010
Status: after almost two years of hell after
dday, we found our way to true R and just passed the third anniversary of dday with barely a notice of it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Florida
HereWeGo62
Member
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

BrokenBill,

Like everyone else I am sorry you find yourself here. Please listen closely to what others are telling you, they have been through this and have seen it for many years.

No kids but i didn't get married to have kids! I got married for the love and security of a single committed partner, someone to share my life etc.

Well this reason is now completly blown to bits. She has shown you time and time again who she is. She is not remorseful and R cannot begin until she pulss her head out of her ass.

You sound like a strong man that deeply loves his wife. I went through the same thing only to get hit with a 2nd Dday 18 months later. My wife acted remorseful and everything seemed great, right now you don't even have that going for you.

You need to 180 my friend. When you can let the your WW go and admit that the M you thought you had is dead, you will then be able to start healing and move forward.

Please take care of yourself, listen to the help that people are offering, and use what you can.


If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 306 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

In her words - " I'm going to get counseling on my own and start a new life of my own!"

And in Broken Bill's words - "ok, honey. I'll help you pack."


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7942 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Man, I'm so sorry for your situation.

This line got to me,

"I got married for the love and security of a single committed partner, someone to share my life."

Seems all you got was a wife that wanted to be shared.

When you see your lawyer you might as well have him file.
Your WW only considers you her plan "B".


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

BB sorry you are here.
She sounds like a real piece of work. She is willing to try to R, as long as you allow her to conintue to what she has been doing. Making you second fiddle, and that it's perfectly ok to continue to lie and cheat.

Did you give her demands for R? If not you need to, including passwords to all emails, access to her phone, no omissions of truth, etc. NC with any of these clowns that she has been involved with.
Lastly you need to lay consequences, if she is unwilling to do it, then you have your answer, she does NOT want to R, she just wants you to be the guy that she lives with, while she coninues this abhorent behavior.

Make sure you are taking time for yourself, make sure you are eating, and drinking (water) getting sleep, and if not go to the Dr and get something to help you with sleep. It's normal to feel this way early on. Time to find out who you are again, and work on that guy.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8229 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Hi Bill,

Welcome to the forum none of us ever wanted to join. It is a place for very good support from people who have been where you are now and know what you are feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed by the person you love and wanted to spend your life with.

Right now give yourself time to process all of this. Do not make any rash decisions. Seeing an attorney is not a rash decision. It will hopefully wake your wife up to the fact that this is real and she could lose you. Unfortunely I did not have SI on DDay#1 and I did everything to try and make my BS love me again. I let him blame me for his LTA, changed things that he said he didn't like about our marriage and me, etc. He just took the LTA underground for another year resulting in DDay#2. The reason he said he did that was because he really had no consequences after DDay#1. We are still attempting R, but it is hard after all I have been through and I am still 1.5yrs later still trying to decide if I can ever R with him. He is transparent, some times remorseful (mostly regretful),and likes to rug sweep when I allow him to. He has a long way to go and I am not sure I am willing to wait for his total head removal from his ass, but I at least know he is not cheating now. You nufortunately can not say the same for your WW. Her refusal to remove herself from the bar seen, as well as other red flags, tell me she is not really interested in R at this time with you. You need to practice the 180 (for you, not for her)and give her consequences and stick to them. Keep posting. We are all there for you. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Bill, reading your post actually made my stomach turn, you poor thing, your wife sounds like a piece of work.

My EXH was remorseless. I waited for the apologies, the "please don't divorce me" etc but in his eyes, everything was my fault.

I believe if someone isn't even sorry they don't deserve forgiveness. Do you really think your WW is sorry?

Thinking of you... and wishing you hadn't had to go through this situation...


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 186 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Broken Bill

How are things going now? We haven't heard from you. Just checking in on you.

Hope things are better.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Hi 1Faith

Thanks for checking up!

I took 4 weeks away from my wife (we live& work abroad) and went home. A trip that was agreed to, i didn't just leave. I wanted to get some head space and see a new future without her. That was good and i have some amazing friends who's ears i have all but chewed off!!! They have never been through this and "divorce" is their mantra! You truly don't know what this is like till you go through it.

Anyway, on my return i realize i truly have turned a corner. My wife picked me up from the airport and the first sight of her turned my stomach. Her touch turned me cold. My love from her is at it's lowest level and i see now how meaningless our marriage is now.

She has her heels firmly dug into that denial pit.

We have had one chat since my return and i posted that in this thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=498244

Mind blowing!


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I am glad that you were able to get some physical space away from your W...

Sounds like a financial 180 is also in order..

It is soul crushing to find oneself having to support a cheating/un remorseful partner financially and otherwise... It is like being trapped for an indefinite period of time in a locked elevator with your worst enemy and having nothing but shit sandwiches to eat


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
Shockedman
Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 7th (Friday)

So sad to hear your story. I am finding strength in you and your story as I am only 2 weeks out from d-day. My WW had a full blown, 7 month, EA and PA with a married man with kids after we have been together for 17 years, married 10. She got caught. Didn't come clean. I was optimistic at first, thinking R is a possibility. 2 weeks later isn't a long time, but the amount of clarity I have now is actually mind boggling. I was (maybe still am) in BS fog. I was hoping for the best. Thinking "We can get through" this, but I am being foolish. This was clearly an exit affair for her and she is not yet truly remorseful and doesn't grasp the reality yet.

How are things today with you? Any insights you can share?

[This message edited by Shockedman at 11:13 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 34